Sadly, Kasey was eliminated last week, so we only have one physically impaired train wreck left: Rated R! Let's see how this goes...
It's Turkey time. They are in Instanbul. Ali didn't realize that 15 million people lived there. She thought it was more like 12 or 13 million, maybe 14. But 15? Insane.
Wow, Chris Harrison was allowed on this trip. And he's wearing a pink deep V. Nicely done. There are 7 guys left. Ali says "I feel better right now than I have throughout this entire journey". I'm guessing it's because you finally don't have that awkward singing deaf guy around.
Then Ali says "I don't think anything could go wrong at this point". Gee, I wonder what that means? Oh, now Chris shows up at her hotel and tells her that something indeed has gone wrong. Isn't that always the way? I'm glad that didn't feel staged at all.
It turns out that a girl - Jesse from last season - contacted Chris about one of the guys. Or so Chris wants us to believe. Chris and Ali call her. It goes to voice mail. They'll try again later.
No, actually it rings a thousand times and she finally picks up, and Jesse tells Ali that Justin Rated R has a girlfriend.
And...Jesse just happens to be in the room with his girlfriend. Thank God she answered the phone! Her name is Jessica. She gets on the phone with Ali. Awkward. She tells Ali that she's been with Justin for 2 years and he is on the show "to get his foot in the door of the entertainment industry". Yeah, cause we all know this show launches careers. Just look at the red hot success of Bob Guiney, Jerry O'Connel's brother, and that one English guy!
Jessica cries and cries, and Ali tries to look concerned. Careful, that raised eyebrow will cause wrinkles. Then Jessica says she found out that Justin has ANOTHER girlfriend. Hold up! I think the fact that he has 2 other girlfriend completely clears him. Now follow me on this:
He's not cheating on somebody, he's cheating on everybody. This is how he rolls. He doesn't have a girlfriend, he has girls who think that they are his girlfriend. He's done nothing wrong.
By the way, the producers do big time searches on all these people. There is no way in the world they didn't know he had a girlfriend or two. It's impossible.
The Confrontation
Ali confronts Justin in front of all the guys. It's hard to watch with all the dudes there and the way Ali does it. Justin doesn't say anything, he just literally runs. Oh, he does say one thing as he walks out - "Fuck you" to Chris Harrison. Hey, leave Chris out of htis. I'm fine with you having a girlfriend, but you start insulting Chris Harrison and we got beef.
Ali chases Justin down some stairs. Of course, it's very hard to catch him because he's in a walking cast. Ali yells at him "Justin, talk to me! You're gonna regret this!" Dude, everyone regrets getting caught.
Finally, he does come to talk to her. And his excuse is...Jessica is his "best friend", but as the show went along, he was into it "less and less", and he wanted to give the rose back. That's good, tell Ali you also are not into her at all.
If any of you are in love with Rated R, you can hang out with him here. Thanks to the person who sent me that. I'm booked in July, here I come, Reid!
Justin has no excuse. He was caught. But I'm pretty sure by his reaction that he felt betrayed by The Bachelor producers. They knew it all along and chose to drop it on him right here. Then they go further by playing all of the voicemails he left for her. All of the voicemails are rated Homo.
That's the end of that. Now Ty gets the one on one. He's a big dude. Also big? His ears. Even bigger? His succulent man breasts.
They walk around Turkey. Ty has to be disappointed that this date isn't on horse back. That's his strong suit! They go into a Turkish bath house where normally women aren't allowed. Ali is thankful they made an exception. It's kinda like when a country club lets one Jew in just to say they've done it.
Horrible makeout alert. No tongue. I'm gonna make a bold statement: no matter how long you kiss for, if there's no tongue, not a makeout. I retract my alert.
Ali asks Ty about his divorce. He says when he grew up, his mom stayed at home with the kids, and his dad worked, and that's what he was "accustomed to". Basically, this man, in the year 2010, is saying the problem with his marriage was that his wife got all uppity and had the nerve to have a job. Hey fly over country, this is why we dismiss you.
Jesus. All I want is a wife who will work so I don't have to. That's my dream. And I also hate horses and spelunking, I'm the anti-Ty!
So of course, Ali gives Ty the rose. But she keeps saying she "has concerns". I think number one on the concern list is that Ty is living in a John Wayne movie.
Back at the hotel, Ugly Manning Brother keeps yapping. Dude, do you not understand you are in last place? It's never happening.
Group date. At a castle. The 4 guys - Kirk, Roberto, Ugly Manning, Dead Mom - have to wrestle some oiled up shirtless Turkish Dudes in leather pants. Oh, how I wish that Frank was on this date. He'd be in heaven.
Dead Mom is immediately put on his back. Thank God his mom wasn't alive to see that. The rest of the guys lose too. So now they have to wrestle each other. Ugly Manning beats dead mom. Roberto beats Kirk, setting up a thrilling final. Roberto manhandles Ugly Manning, but sort of falls on his back at one point and loses. Man, I hate all foreign sports, even the ones featuring leather pants and oil.
Good news: if Ugly Manning makes it to the end, he will officially have the worst body we've seen in a finale since Jillian.
Mango keeps crying about everyone getting time with Ali. Dude, you're getting the next one on one, shut your face! Maybe he's just mad he missed the half naked man wrestling.
Random question: Can someone please explain the appeal of fireworks?
Ugly Manning and Ali make great conversation, and all she can think about is how little she wants to kiss him. So she doesn't. She says "He has all the things I could want in a guy", except sex appeal and attractiveness and a nice body.
Time for Mango's one on one. He immediately kisses Ali more times than Ugly Manning did. They go shopping. Gee, I wonder if Frank will enjoy that. He says "it's fun to watch Ali shop...I can do that all day long". Okay, Stanford Blatch.
They do a bit in a rug store. I'm ignoring it.
Commercial for "Bachelor Pad". I'm not gonna lie, looks awesome!
Frank and Ali go to dinner and have a "deep" conversation. I'm not sure what's being said, but I think it's code for "you're definitely in the top 2". Ali is scared because Frank has the potential to break his heart. Yeah, when he runs off with a Turkish oil wrestler.
Who is trying to argue with me that this dude isn't gay? Quitting his big job to be a screenwriter was a cry for help. Everyone knows screenwriting is for queers.
More distracting body part: Roberto's eyebrows or Ugly Manning Brother's chest?
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Only one person is leaving. They are really dragging this out. It's gotta be the Ugly Manning Brother. And she's gonna walk him out and tell him "I just didn't feel a physical connection. You are going to make someone so happy".
ROBERTO - the eyebrows have it
DEAD MOM - his mom is still dead though
KIRK - exactly
Ugly Manning Brother is gone, as predicted. It had to be him. And she asks to "walk him out"! I know what I'm talking about, people. Let's see what she says...
"The romance was missing between us".
That's it? Damn, cushion the blow a little, lady. She's not that good at talking to people.
Isn't it funny how it's always the ugly people who get eliminated? People are such liars. It was said multiple times that this guy was "hilarious" and the "conversations flowed" and he had such a "great personality". But guess what? At the end of the day, your pecs look like deflated balloons. Sorry, you're gone.
Whoops, I just remembered Vienna "won", ruining my "ugly people" diatribe. She's the asterisk on every future season of this show.
Next week, things get interesting, because all of these dudes have legitimate shot...
During the credits, Ty sings a romantic song to Frank, who cums in his pants.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Who Saw This Coming? Oh Yeah, Everyone
A lot of Jake/Vienna updates to today. All of them are funny.
First, Jake told People the reason he broke up with Vienna over the phone. Surprisingly, it had nothing to do with her horrible unattractiveness and awful personality. Nope, it's because he's a method actor:
I've also seen that Vienna is claiming that they were never intimate. Uh yeah, cause he's obviously gay. I'm so sick of no one listening to me. No straight man picks her! Why? Because straight men like having sex with good looking girls.
That came out this morning. And then this happened:
In honor of this occasion, I thought I'd present all the gay jokes I made in recaps about Jake:
Should we discuss the "Jake is gay" vibe we're all feeling right now? It's there, we all know it, we all feel it. It's strange, cause you can just tell he's oddly super religious. So it's a mix of a promise keepers/gay thing, I don't know yet. We'll explore it, back to the show.
Jake describes Vienna as "intense". And once again, says that she's "out of his comfort zone". What are you talking about? She's right in your comfort zone - she's a guy, guy!
What's funny about this whole sequence is that Jake totally became the lady while Vienna was the comforting man.
Jake does not feel like a real person to me. It's always like he's playing the part of "Jake the bachelor pilot". I don't think he's figured things out with himself yet. One thing is for sure though, whoever he actually is, is also a dork.
Later, they get in a hot tub and Jake gives her a rose. So much for the foreshadowing. Vienna says she is "on cloud Jake right now". Cloud Jake is very close to cloud 9, but in the gay section of clouds. It's West Hollywood to 9's Hollywood.
They go to Chinatown so Jake can get the cream of some young guy. He's wearing all black with a turtleneck. Gee, I don't know if Jake's gonna fit in in San Francisco.
Jake says "cheating is a choice. The woman I marry is the last woman I look at". And probably the first.
He has to "assure" us that he had dirty thoughts. Sure you did. He says "nothing was gonna happen, it was rated G all the way". Can't hate on him though, I'd keep things with Vienna rated G too. G for gross.
Jake actually says: "it's not about sex appeal"! No wonder Vienna is still there.
So remember who said it first. And by the way, if Vienna is the next Bachelorette, i wouldn't be able to kill myself because it would be too awesome
First, Jake told People the reason he broke up with Vienna over the phone. Surprisingly, it had nothing to do with her horrible unattractiveness and awful personality. Nope, it's because he's a method actor:
"One of the keys to acting is you have to get out of your head," Pavelka, 32, tells PEOPLE. "This [show] (Drop Dead Diva on Lifetime) didn't hire me to be Jake, they hired me to play Toby Davlin. I can't be Jake and sell this character."The worst part about that? I just realized Jake is younger than me. God Dammit. How is that possible?
Troubled by what he termed "trust issues" with Vienna, 24, Jake says he broke up with her in a phone call Monday night.
"I've been trying to put all that aside so that I can give this character justice," he says. "It's been a struggle thinking about my relationship and going in front of the camera and shooting."
I've also seen that Vienna is claiming that they were never intimate. Uh yeah, cause he's obviously gay. I'm so sick of no one listening to me. No straight man picks her! Why? Because straight men like having sex with good looking girls.
That came out this morning. And then this happened:
Jake and Vienna have already secretly reunited to tape their breakup special for ABC and multiple sources say Jake went into an uncontrollable rage, shaking his fist at his former fiancee, threatening to throw a punch, and screaming at her multiple times to shut up.I love that there's a "breakup special". Because they are America's sweethearts. Well, I can't blame him for wanting her to shut up, but there's no excuse for the fist. But hey, I'd be pissed to if I was so perfect that not even Vienna wanted to have anything to do with me.
In honor of this occasion, I thought I'd present all the gay jokes I made in recaps about Jake:
Should we discuss the "Jake is gay" vibe we're all feeling right now? It's there, we all know it, we all feel it. It's strange, cause you can just tell he's oddly super religious. So it's a mix of a promise keepers/gay thing, I don't know yet. We'll explore it, back to the show.
Jake describes Vienna as "intense". And once again, says that she's "out of his comfort zone". What are you talking about? She's right in your comfort zone - she's a guy, guy!
What's funny about this whole sequence is that Jake totally became the lady while Vienna was the comforting man.
Jake does not feel like a real person to me. It's always like he's playing the part of "Jake the bachelor pilot". I don't think he's figured things out with himself yet. One thing is for sure though, whoever he actually is, is also a dork.
Later, they get in a hot tub and Jake gives her a rose. So much for the foreshadowing. Vienna says she is "on cloud Jake right now". Cloud Jake is very close to cloud 9, but in the gay section of clouds. It's West Hollywood to 9's Hollywood.
They go to Chinatown so Jake can get the cream of some young guy. He's wearing all black with a turtleneck. Gee, I don't know if Jake's gonna fit in in San Francisco.
Jake says "cheating is a choice. The woman I marry is the last woman I look at". And probably the first.
He has to "assure" us that he had dirty thoughts. Sure you did. He says "nothing was gonna happen, it was rated G all the way". Can't hate on him though, I'd keep things with Vienna rated G too. G for gross.
Jake actually says: "it's not about sex appeal"! No wonder Vienna is still there.
So remember who said it first. And by the way, if Vienna is the next Bachelorette, i wouldn't be able to kill myself because it would be too awesome
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The Story That Should Be a Bigger Story
Shut up about the oil spill. Screw McChrystal. I don't care who Al Gore is banging. Okay, I am kind of interested in that weird Jeremy London drug thing.
But the biggest story, the one that should be constantly talked about, debated, enjoyed - is the true story about the guy who went to Pakistan with a sword to kill Osama Bin Laden.
I just love that this really happened. One guy with a God Damn sword. And he might've gotten sort of close.
His name is Gary Faulkner. He is a 52 year old unemployed construction worker who had made 6 other trips to Pakistan on this "mission". He grew out his hair and beard to better fit in.
Looks Pakistani to me. Of course, I can barely see him, he has a camouflage T-shirt on. He really just blends into that grey background. The man is a chameleon!
But the biggest story, the one that should be constantly talked about, debated, enjoyed - is the true story about the guy who went to Pakistan with a sword to kill Osama Bin Laden.
I just love that this really happened. One guy with a God Damn sword. And he might've gotten sort of close.
His name is Gary Faulkner. He is a 52 year old unemployed construction worker who had made 6 other trips to Pakistan on this "mission". He grew out his hair and beard to better fit in.
Looks Pakistani to me. Of course, I can barely see him, he has a camouflage T-shirt on. He really just blends into that grey background. The man is a chameleon!This would be just a funny story, but the dude got close:
According to his brother, Faulkner had located a cave on an 18,000 ft mountain where he saw "a bearded man in a white robe speaking on a walkie-talkie".
A bearded man standing near a cave with a walkie walkie? That definitely could've been Bin Laden or every other person in Pakistan.
Faulkner was arrested in a forest in northwestern Pakistan while trying to cross into Afghanistan's wooded Nuristan province, a known lair of Taliban and al-Qaeda fighters.
I believe he was spotted by the police when they noticed a suspicious man speaking English and carrying a sword.
I cannot stop being fascinated by this, and I don't understand why people aren't as excited about it. What if he had been successful? Would our government let the story get out? There's no way, right? We have a trillion dollar military, and it turns out all we needed to get the job done was the lead singer of the Grateful Dead.
And how about the showmanship? If you go all that way to kill Bin Laden, what are you gonna do - stab him with a switchblade? A high powered rifle feels like a cop out. No. A sword. That's how you kill evil.
This brings up another question: why aren't we just sending the unemployed over there? They've got the time. We just need to teach them the swordsmanship.
According to his brother, Faulkner had located a cave on an 18,000 ft mountain where he saw "a bearded man in a white robe speaking on a walkie-talkie".
A bearded man standing near a cave with a walkie walkie? That definitely could've been Bin Laden or every other person in Pakistan.
Faulkner was arrested in a forest in northwestern Pakistan while trying to cross into Afghanistan's wooded Nuristan province, a known lair of Taliban and al-Qaeda fighters.
I believe he was spotted by the police when they noticed a suspicious man speaking English and carrying a sword.
I cannot stop being fascinated by this, and I don't understand why people aren't as excited about it. What if he had been successful? Would our government let the story get out? There's no way, right? We have a trillion dollar military, and it turns out all we needed to get the job done was the lead singer of the Grateful Dead.
And how about the showmanship? If you go all that way to kill Bin Laden, what are you gonna do - stab him with a switchblade? A high powered rifle feels like a cop out. No. A sword. That's how you kill evil.
This brings up another question: why aren't we just sending the unemployed over there? They've got the time. We just need to teach them the swordsmanship.
Another Good Tosh.0 Tonight at 10:30
I don't normally pimp my shit this much, but these happen to be some good episodes. We don't know how long this can possibly last, so this is the time to watch.
The Video breakdown is one of my favorites - I wrote 2 particularly mean jokes for it. And the Internet dancing segment is strong as well.
I didn't think there would be a day where I would be excitedly talking about both soccer and tennis, but hey, sometimes the dumb sports surprise you. GOOOAAAAALLLL!
The Video breakdown is one of my favorites - I wrote 2 particularly mean jokes for it. And the Internet dancing segment is strong as well.
I didn't think there would be a day where I would be excitedly talking about both soccer and tennis, but hey, sometimes the dumb sports surprise you. GOOOAAAAALLLL!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Ali the Bachelorette: The Deaf Man's Last Stand
We begin with breaking news. I am sad to report that Jake and Vienna have broken up. Yes, yes I know, try and get ahold of yourself. I bet I know why they broke up: Jake was just too perfect. Dammit! That always gets him.
As for this show...
We are off to Iceland. Is this season longer than normal seasons? It feels like we should be going to some hometowns by now. And I wish we were, just so we can find out if Kasey's voice was inherited. I can just imagine his dad coming out and singing "It's Not Easy Being Green".
Is there any other kind of lava besides the "burning, hot" kind? Cause according to Ali, Iceland has lots of burning, hot lava.
The guys have to write a love poem to Ali, and the "winner" gets a one on one date. This isn't fair - Kasey's gonna win easy. He sang 3 love poems to her in the last episode alone. What title could he give his love poem? Maybe something with guard, and protect, I don't know, like her heart or something.
This is what Kasey says about the poem competition (I had to rewind 5 times to decipher this):
"It's incredible to have one on one time with Ali, cause I'll be able to share my tattoo. I'll be able to see her heart, and she'll be able to see mine".
But let me ask you this, Kasey: while you're seeing her heart, will you also be guarding and protecting it?
Craig does his poem, it's okay. Then it's Kasey's turn. Before he goes, he tells us in an interview "I'm here to guard and protect Ali's heart, that's what makes me confident". Okay, that's number 1.
Holy shit! The cold Icelandic weather makes froggies voice more froggy! You can't understand a word. And finally, someone says something, anything, about that voice. Dead Mom guy says "we couldn't understand him, we needed subtitles". Well, it wasn't frog related, but at least it's something.
The producers try to be funny with the subtitles. They put a Buckwheat style "??????" during his poem, and then "chest" when I'm pretty sure he said "heart". I'm pretty sure because he always says "heart".
The guy who has never spoken on this show is finally forced to speak because of this poem thing. And now we know why he hasn't spoken before. Terrible.
Kirk kills it. The guy is good. He's gonna get a chin makeout for that. Frank aka Mango aka the Screenwriter who lives with his parents, puts on a full performance. You're kidding? A dramatic gay guy? I can't believe it. And Ali chooses...
Kirk. He's one of the only guys who feels like a normal "dude". We all know guys like Kirk. If you know guys like Kasey, you probably live at the Muppet Theater.
Kirk and Ali walk around in the same outfit for some reason. Then Kirk is reluctant to open up, and Ali is suspicious. Finally, Kirk tells a very long story about getting really sick in college because of living in a gross house full of asbestos and mold and it fucked him up, but also changed his life. It's a pretty crazy story, and makes me want to make out with Kirk. Whoops, did I just say that? Well, the point is that Kirk is pretty bad ass. But now he might be too good for Ali.
Group date. They are going horseback riding. They look midget horses. Sorry, dwarf horses.
I hate how you look like a complete asshole if you don't want to risk your life on this show. "Uh, no thanks to the spelunking in the volcano, is it cool if we just get dinner?"
Ty is a "cowboy" so he's good on this date. Ali says "I love how he's always taking care of me and making sure I'm okay". All the women, independent, throw your hands up at me! Lucy Liu, my girl Drew, Cameron D and Destiny are all rolling in their graves right now.
Ali complains that Frank isn't "trying" on the date, and that if he wants to fall behind that's fine because there are so many great guys here. Oh, I'm so sorry Frank isn't stopping to get to know you enough while you're climbing through a cave in zero degree weather right now. Fuck you.
Later, they all get in a giant hot tub. Dead Mom guy gets a makeout. He's not as suave as he should be. You'd think he'd be a little smoother with the ladies, but let's remember that he does still live at home and his mom is dead.
Frank says that he's "an emotional disaster right now". And you guys are trying to convince me that he's not gay? No straight man calls himself an emotional disaster. Has never happened.
Crap. I just realized "guy who has never spoken" is on this date. They just cut to him nodding. How is he still here? Oh yeah, because he has a normal voice, doesn't get creepy tattoos, and is not a weather man.
Ty gets the rose. Typical woman. Reward the guy who likes animals and is good at stuff.
2 on 1 showdown time. Justin the Wrestler vs. The Frog. Let's savor it.
The Bachelor chopper! Man, I think it actually missed an episode, good to see it back in action. They take it to look at some of that lava we've heard so much about, and then they land on the volcano. Wait, was this before or after that big one in Iceland erupted? I'm thinking at any moment it's gonna erupt all over their asses. You can just imagine Chris Harrison saying: "it's the most tragic Bachelor ending ever!"
"guard her heart" #2.
Funny shot of Kasey sitting alone and coughing. I have no idea why that was so funny, but it was.
Ali says this for the second time: "the only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal". I don't think she understands what a tall task that is.
Uh oh, time for the tattoo reveal. I'm getting uncomfortable.
3.
He shows it. Ali is horrified. "What? Wow!"
4.
5.
Ali gives a frightened smile, it's the same look I get when watching Tom Cruise do anything.
Then she gets the guys together, and announces that she's giving Justin the rose. She tells frog voice:
"I realize now that this is who you are" - basically saying that she thought he was normal and wanted him to be himself, but now she understands that's actually who he is, a lunatic.
Justin sums it up perfectly: "Ali told Kasey to tone it down, and he did the opposite, he toned it up". Yep.
And just as quickly as he came, Frog Voice is gone. And we never got an answer! What's up with the voice? No one ever asked. Such a bummer. It's a mystery that must be solved.
Dead Mom gets his final alone time. Ali seems to worry that he's gonna want to keep living in Cape Cod. He says he'd live anywhere, he'll "collect garbage in San Francisco". That's just what a girl wants to hear, "I want to be a garbage man for you!"
Ali tells Roberto she would've never gone up to Roberto in the real world because "I would've thought you're too hot for me". Point taken.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
I have to say, this season has gotten pretty intriguing. The group of guys looked so shitty, but now there's more possibilities than maybe we've ever seen before. Roberto is legit, as is Kirk, and she seems to like Mango and Dead Mom and Ty. I could see her picking any of those dudes.
FRANK - this is the most predictable rose ceremony ever. Hasn't Spoken Guy is gone.
DEAD MOM
ROBERTO
UGLY MANNING BROTHER
You have to give it up to that guy for making it this far as a mute. Then he says:
"This is the worst pain that anyone wants to experience"
Uh, talk to the guy whose mom died.
Ali says "supposebly".
Next week: we try to soldier on without Casey. It's not gonna be easy. But! One of the guys has a girlfriend. Gee, I wonder who it is, but I'm guessing the situation is Rated R.
As for this show...
We are off to Iceland. Is this season longer than normal seasons? It feels like we should be going to some hometowns by now. And I wish we were, just so we can find out if Kasey's voice was inherited. I can just imagine his dad coming out and singing "It's Not Easy Being Green".
Is there any other kind of lava besides the "burning, hot" kind? Cause according to Ali, Iceland has lots of burning, hot lava.
The guys have to write a love poem to Ali, and the "winner" gets a one on one date. This isn't fair - Kasey's gonna win easy. He sang 3 love poems to her in the last episode alone. What title could he give his love poem? Maybe something with guard, and protect, I don't know, like her heart or something.
This is what Kasey says about the poem competition (I had to rewind 5 times to decipher this):
"It's incredible to have one on one time with Ali, cause I'll be able to share my tattoo. I'll be able to see her heart, and she'll be able to see mine".
But let me ask you this, Kasey: while you're seeing her heart, will you also be guarding and protecting it?
Craig does his poem, it's okay. Then it's Kasey's turn. Before he goes, he tells us in an interview "I'm here to guard and protect Ali's heart, that's what makes me confident". Okay, that's number 1.
Holy shit! The cold Icelandic weather makes froggies voice more froggy! You can't understand a word. And finally, someone says something, anything, about that voice. Dead Mom guy says "we couldn't understand him, we needed subtitles". Well, it wasn't frog related, but at least it's something.
The producers try to be funny with the subtitles. They put a Buckwheat style "??????" during his poem, and then "chest" when I'm pretty sure he said "heart". I'm pretty sure because he always says "heart".
The guy who has never spoken on this show is finally forced to speak because of this poem thing. And now we know why he hasn't spoken before. Terrible.
Kirk kills it. The guy is good. He's gonna get a chin makeout for that. Frank aka Mango aka the Screenwriter who lives with his parents, puts on a full performance. You're kidding? A dramatic gay guy? I can't believe it. And Ali chooses...
Kirk. He's one of the only guys who feels like a normal "dude". We all know guys like Kirk. If you know guys like Kasey, you probably live at the Muppet Theater.
Kirk and Ali walk around in the same outfit for some reason. Then Kirk is reluctant to open up, and Ali is suspicious. Finally, Kirk tells a very long story about getting really sick in college because of living in a gross house full of asbestos and mold and it fucked him up, but also changed his life. It's a pretty crazy story, and makes me want to make out with Kirk. Whoops, did I just say that? Well, the point is that Kirk is pretty bad ass. But now he might be too good for Ali.
Group date. They are going horseback riding. They look midget horses. Sorry, dwarf horses.
I hate how you look like a complete asshole if you don't want to risk your life on this show. "Uh, no thanks to the spelunking in the volcano, is it cool if we just get dinner?"
Ty is a "cowboy" so he's good on this date. Ali says "I love how he's always taking care of me and making sure I'm okay". All the women, independent, throw your hands up at me! Lucy Liu, my girl Drew, Cameron D and Destiny are all rolling in their graves right now.
Ali complains that Frank isn't "trying" on the date, and that if he wants to fall behind that's fine because there are so many great guys here. Oh, I'm so sorry Frank isn't stopping to get to know you enough while you're climbing through a cave in zero degree weather right now. Fuck you.
Later, they all get in a giant hot tub. Dead Mom guy gets a makeout. He's not as suave as he should be. You'd think he'd be a little smoother with the ladies, but let's remember that he does still live at home and his mom is dead.
Frank says that he's "an emotional disaster right now". And you guys are trying to convince me that he's not gay? No straight man calls himself an emotional disaster. Has never happened.
Crap. I just realized "guy who has never spoken" is on this date. They just cut to him nodding. How is he still here? Oh yeah, because he has a normal voice, doesn't get creepy tattoos, and is not a weather man.
Ty gets the rose. Typical woman. Reward the guy who likes animals and is good at stuff.
2 on 1 showdown time. Justin the Wrestler vs. The Frog. Let's savor it.
The Bachelor chopper! Man, I think it actually missed an episode, good to see it back in action. They take it to look at some of that lava we've heard so much about, and then they land on the volcano. Wait, was this before or after that big one in Iceland erupted? I'm thinking at any moment it's gonna erupt all over their asses. You can just imagine Chris Harrison saying: "it's the most tragic Bachelor ending ever!"
"guard her heart" #2.
Funny shot of Kasey sitting alone and coughing. I have no idea why that was so funny, but it was.
Ali says this for the second time: "the only thing Kasey has to do today is be normal". I don't think she understands what a tall task that is.
Uh oh, time for the tattoo reveal. I'm getting uncomfortable.
3.
He shows it. Ali is horrified. "What? Wow!"
4.
5.
Ali gives a frightened smile, it's the same look I get when watching Tom Cruise do anything.
Then she gets the guys together, and announces that she's giving Justin the rose. She tells frog voice:
"I realize now that this is who you are" - basically saying that she thought he was normal and wanted him to be himself, but now she understands that's actually who he is, a lunatic.
Justin sums it up perfectly: "Ali told Kasey to tone it down, and he did the opposite, he toned it up". Yep.
And just as quickly as he came, Frog Voice is gone. And we never got an answer! What's up with the voice? No one ever asked. Such a bummer. It's a mystery that must be solved.
Dead Mom gets his final alone time. Ali seems to worry that he's gonna want to keep living in Cape Cod. He says he'd live anywhere, he'll "collect garbage in San Francisco". That's just what a girl wants to hear, "I want to be a garbage man for you!"
Ali tells Roberto she would've never gone up to Roberto in the real world because "I would've thought you're too hot for me". Point taken.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
I have to say, this season has gotten pretty intriguing. The group of guys looked so shitty, but now there's more possibilities than maybe we've ever seen before. Roberto is legit, as is Kirk, and she seems to like Mango and Dead Mom and Ty. I could see her picking any of those dudes.
FRANK - this is the most predictable rose ceremony ever. Hasn't Spoken Guy is gone.
DEAD MOM
ROBERTO
UGLY MANNING BROTHER
You have to give it up to that guy for making it this far as a mute. Then he says:
"This is the worst pain that anyone wants to experience"
Uh, talk to the guy whose mom died.
Ali says "supposebly".
Next week: we try to soldier on without Casey. It's not gonna be easy. But! One of the guys has a girlfriend. Gee, I wonder who it is, but I'm guessing the situation is Rated R.
Why Won't Women Listen to Me?
All I'm trying to do is tell you what looks good. That's what my bangs crusade has been all about. And almost as bad as bangs? The high waist. I've ranted about this before, but still, you people don't listen. And then this happens...
That's right. Who would've thought Taylor Swift would make bad choices?
But she hits the double whammy - high waist and giant sunglasses. That's a triple whammy if you count pig nose there. Some people just don't want to be cute.
I'm only one man, ladies. I can't help all of you. At a certain point you have to help yourselves.
I'm only one man, ladies. I can't help all of you. At a certain point you have to help yourselves.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
A Very Entertaining Tosh.0 Tonight at 10:30
I've mentioned here before how hard it is to get celebrities on the shows I write for. But sometimes a bit comes together so easily, and fits so perfectly for a celebrity, that the Gods smile on you and it all works out. Such is the case with the episode tonight.
In a way, it's kinda of a good thing that it's so difficult. It sucks to crowbar celebs into something just because you can get them. Now we'll only do something with someone if it make the bit better.
I don't want to spoil who it is, but I will give you 2 hints. I'm going to keep the hints very, very vague so you probably won't get it, but enough to intrigue you as to who it might be.
Are you ready? Okay, see if you can solve this riddle:
He has Hep C and a giant dick.
Good luck!
In a way, it's kinda of a good thing that it's so difficult. It sucks to crowbar celebs into something just because you can get them. Now we'll only do something with someone if it make the bit better.
I don't want to spoil who it is, but I will give you 2 hints. I'm going to keep the hints very, very vague so you probably won't get it, but enough to intrigue you as to who it might be.
Are you ready? Okay, see if you can solve this riddle:
He has Hep C and a giant dick.
Good luck!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Ali the Bachelorette: The (not) Deaf Guy Sings!
Finally, the episode we've all been waiting for. This week felt like when I was a kid and knew Christmas was coming, and the days would last so long in anticipation. But instead of a tree with presents, it's a guy who may or may not have a hearing problem attempting to sing.
Chris gathers the guys and asks: "how far would you go to fall in love?" Frank responds: "Depends, is there a dude involved?"
Chris says they are leaving the house forever and they'll be "traveling around the world" with Ali. First stop: New York City. The Weatherman is shirtless. I immediately have two thoughts: 1) how is he still here? and 2) he has the same upper body as my 5 year old nephew, Toots McGee.
Ali says that Casey is going to "guard and protect my heart". Yeah, but he's going to remove it from your body first.
Casey (frog voice) gets the first one on one date and he is "super" pumped. When he gets that pumped, his voice is almost normal. I cannot stress the word "almost" enough here.
I feel like this is my first one on one with Froggy. Finally just some pure unabashed froggyness. Know what's confusing? When someone has a physical issue that covers for a mental issue. Like how his frog voice is covering up the fact that he also might be insane. I had a cousin like that.
They go on a helicopter ride over New York and then sit in a park. And that's when it happens. They are drinking wine, and Frog Voice just starts singing. No intro, no preamble, just starts singing. And what does he sing? Something from the Kermit catalogue, perhaps?
Nope. He freestyles. Here, presented verbatim, are the lyrics:
"Yeah, that's pretty intense stuff"
Yes! That was worth the wait, people. My only regret is that he didn't work the line "Ali, you look absolutely imaginary" into the song. Also, not sure he knows what the word "hindsight" means.
So we're at commercial and let me say, there was definitely some editing there to make him look as bad as possible. Yes, he gave them the ammunition, but they definitely made it way worse.
We're back. They go to the American Museum of Natural History. Ali says she's keeping an open mind (while she has a horrified look on her face) and that Casey is being "a little cheesy...with the singing". Uh, no mention of the voice!
Casey runs funny. Let's be honest, I thought he would hop. Then he makes monkey noises at the stuffed monkey. Interestingly, his rendition of a monkey sounded eerily similar to a frog.
I wish you could somehow hear my impression of Casey saying "Oh, wow". It's really good.
Especially creepy moment: Ali asks him "how is this different from your other relationships?" He says "because your Ali. You make me happy". She says "it's like you're reading from a story". Casey says "it's just my heart - jump in, stay awhile". Holy fuck.
And he keeps saying, "I'm here to guard and protect your heart". Guarding and protecting are the same things!
No mention of the voice!
And then what happens? Oh, more singing. I swear to God. Here we go:
He smiles like he just did the coolest fucking thing in the world, and says:
"It just kinda came to me. You inspire me".
That's what Ali inspires. Shit. Frog sounding shit.
Huge upset: Ali doesn't give him the rose...BUT she doesn't want him to leave either. What? Why? I think she was afraid of a murder suicide. Better eliminate him when there's people around.
Still no mention of the voice.
Casey doesn't understand it. He thinks it's because he wasn't being genuine. He doesn't contemplate that it might have something to do with the singing.
Group date. They go to a theater to audition for "The Lion King". No, I don't know why either.
The Weatherman says "the forecast looks good today!" Hey, that's my line. I actually think it's cloudy with no chance of roses.
Oh my God - more Frank dancing! Think Elaine from Seinfeld. He has to be the worst dancing gay man I've ever seen.
Wait a minute...they are singing. Where's Frog Voice? He would've owned this! He must be so bummed, luckily he's too busy to know about it because he's guarding and protecting Ali's heart.
Why does theater = bike shorts?
I don't know the Lion King that well. Is there kissing? Because then the Weatherman will have to cry.
Roberto wins. He "gets" to be in The Lion King with Ali. They get some weird outfits on, and we discover that Ali has giant legs! Didn't see that coming. She's got the thighs of Maurice Jones Drew or Jennie Garth.
The Weatherman says "the forecast was for sunny skies and out of the blue this storm just crapped in my face". At least there isn't 100 percent humidity in his eyes.
After the Lion King is the after party, and after the party is the hotel lobby. Ali isn't feeling well. The guys are freaking out about getting some alone time before she calls it a night. Roberto says "the forecast for the Weatherman, once again he's got a high pressure system moving in so he's got to step it up". Let me do my job, Roberto.
Frank gets some time and gives one of his passionate close mouthed kisses. That is hot stuff.
Ugly Manning Brother impresses. And in the middle of his time, The Weatherman interrupts. Ali looks at him like, "get the hell outta here". Ugly Manning Brother says, "give us a couple more minutes" and The Weatherman meekly walks away. Ouch. Grey skies ahead.
Ali calls it a night and says she's not giving a rose. Kirk walks her to her room. Ali says "sing me a lullabye". Sweetie, aren't you done with the singing at this point? Who knows? Maybe she asked Froggy to sing. Nothing is off the table, we're through the looking glass, people.
"Protect and guard your heart" count is up to 11.
Chris the Dark Horse gets the last one on one. But Ali is too sick, so he has to just hang out in her hotel room and make out with her germ ridden mouth.
Gee, I wonder what Chris is going to talk about. Oh yeah, dead mom. He's a one trick dead mom pony.
Meanwhile, Frog voice sneaks out of the hotel and walks (in a very strange way) around the city. Then he goes into a tattoo parlor. Cut to commercial. Oh crap.
Guess what the tattoo is? A shield to "protect and guard her heart". 12.
Ali is magically healed and she and Chris go out. They go to a club and talk more about dead moms. Sweet. Then they call his dad to put a damper on his day. "Mom still dead?" "Yep".
Ali gives him a rose. Works every time. Chris is a dark horse, but he really needs to step up and move beyond this mom shit and be a man and make out and stuff.
They go upstairs and world famous Joshua Radin is playing for them. 3rd musical guest of the season, a new record! They finally awkwardly make out, and now Chris has the same sickness that Ali, Kirk, Roberto, and Frank have.
Still no mention of the voice! It's all I think about. It haunts me at night.
The Weatherman gets some one on one. He says he has some "depth", he's not just some "weather dude". And guess what? He has a God Damn guitar. Fuck me. He sings. So much singing. There's a reason I don't like American Idol.
After the song, the Weatherman says "skies are clearing, looks like sun is back in the forecast". The Doppler Douche 5000 is way off tonight.
When listening to Casey I can't help but think of the movie "Boomerang" and Eddie Murphy saying "what dime does da show tart?"
13 mentions.
14.
Casey put 11 stones on the tattoo which signifies "the top 11 guys that Ali has chosen to be with". So the tattoo is kinda for the dudes too?
15.
Frank steals Ali away from that lunatic before he can reveal the tattoo to her. Saved by the Frank.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Froggy has to be gone, but will the producers save him for that tattoo reveal? The Weatherman is toast. And how is the guy who hasn't spoken a word the entire season still here?
KIRK - I call him "The Mono Maker".
FRANK - Mango!
CRAIG - Ugly Manning brother has all the elements you're looking for except that he's ugly.
CHRIS - GUY WHO HASN'T SPOKEN?!!!
ROBERTO - the frontrunner
JUSTIN - Rated R in the building. He didn't get a date this week, had to keep him just because of that.
TY - not a lot of face time, but he's still all ears.
KASEY!!!
I might quit this show right now. No Jesse? That was my boy. What happened? I demand an explanation. She says "I just don't think we really matched up". Oh, but you match up with Frog Voice? Well what does that say about you, honey?
At least the Weatherman is gone. But I'll miss him. The same way I miss Craig the crazy hair guy. There goes all my weather related jokes. Maybe I'll keep doing them in honor of him.
Funny part is, he can't understand it. Dude, you cried at the thought of kissing her. Yeah, that might have had something to do with it.
Next week, they go to Iceland. Expect chilly temps with some late in the day volcano. Ali says "the only thing Kasey has to do is be normal". Well he's been so normal to this point...
Chris gathers the guys and asks: "how far would you go to fall in love?" Frank responds: "Depends, is there a dude involved?"
Chris says they are leaving the house forever and they'll be "traveling around the world" with Ali. First stop: New York City. The Weatherman is shirtless. I immediately have two thoughts: 1) how is he still here? and 2) he has the same upper body as my 5 year old nephew, Toots McGee.
Ali says that Casey is going to "guard and protect my heart". Yeah, but he's going to remove it from your body first.
Casey (frog voice) gets the first one on one date and he is "super" pumped. When he gets that pumped, his voice is almost normal. I cannot stress the word "almost" enough here.
I feel like this is my first one on one with Froggy. Finally just some pure unabashed froggyness. Know what's confusing? When someone has a physical issue that covers for a mental issue. Like how his frog voice is covering up the fact that he also might be insane. I had a cousin like that.
They go on a helicopter ride over New York and then sit in a park. And that's when it happens. They are drinking wine, and Frog Voice just starts singing. No intro, no preamble, just starts singing. And what does he sing? Something from the Kermit catalogue, perhaps?
Nope. He freestyles. Here, presented verbatim, are the lyrics:
When I was flying, in the helicopter, over this amazing city, I looked to my left and I saw something so pretty...They cut to Ali, who awkwardly giggles. She's as uncomfortable as we are. At least they are trying to make it look that way. And you think that he's done. But he's not. More singing:
At the end of tonight, I'm not just your average Joe, but I hope in my hindsight I see and find a rose.Then he awkwardly giggles. And says my favorite line in the history of the Bachelor:
"Yeah, that's pretty intense stuff"
Yes! That was worth the wait, people. My only regret is that he didn't work the line "Ali, you look absolutely imaginary" into the song. Also, not sure he knows what the word "hindsight" means.
So we're at commercial and let me say, there was definitely some editing there to make him look as bad as possible. Yes, he gave them the ammunition, but they definitely made it way worse.
We're back. They go to the American Museum of Natural History. Ali says she's keeping an open mind (while she has a horrified look on her face) and that Casey is being "a little cheesy...with the singing". Uh, no mention of the voice!
Casey runs funny. Let's be honest, I thought he would hop. Then he makes monkey noises at the stuffed monkey. Interestingly, his rendition of a monkey sounded eerily similar to a frog.
I wish you could somehow hear my impression of Casey saying "Oh, wow". It's really good.
Especially creepy moment: Ali asks him "how is this different from your other relationships?" He says "because your Ali. You make me happy". She says "it's like you're reading from a story". Casey says "it's just my heart - jump in, stay awhile". Holy fuck.
And he keeps saying, "I'm here to guard and protect your heart". Guarding and protecting are the same things!
No mention of the voice!
And then what happens? Oh, more singing. I swear to God. Here we go:
On the night I first saw you, I was staring through that glass, and I knew at that first moment, that you and I would last, on the beach in California, you made me start to believe, and now we're in New York city, and it's just you and me, and tonight you got a rose, and I don't want to feel it's thorns, and if you choose me Ali, I'll forever be yours.He kinda sounds like Shakira.
He smiles like he just did the coolest fucking thing in the world, and says:
"It just kinda came to me. You inspire me".
That's what Ali inspires. Shit. Frog sounding shit.
Huge upset: Ali doesn't give him the rose...BUT she doesn't want him to leave either. What? Why? I think she was afraid of a murder suicide. Better eliminate him when there's people around.
Still no mention of the voice.
Casey doesn't understand it. He thinks it's because he wasn't being genuine. He doesn't contemplate that it might have something to do with the singing.
Group date. They go to a theater to audition for "The Lion King". No, I don't know why either.
The Weatherman says "the forecast looks good today!" Hey, that's my line. I actually think it's cloudy with no chance of roses.
Oh my God - more Frank dancing! Think Elaine from Seinfeld. He has to be the worst dancing gay man I've ever seen.
Wait a minute...they are singing. Where's Frog Voice? He would've owned this! He must be so bummed, luckily he's too busy to know about it because he's guarding and protecting Ali's heart.
Why does theater = bike shorts?
I don't know the Lion King that well. Is there kissing? Because then the Weatherman will have to cry.
Roberto wins. He "gets" to be in The Lion King with Ali. They get some weird outfits on, and we discover that Ali has giant legs! Didn't see that coming. She's got the thighs of Maurice Jones Drew or Jennie Garth.
The Weatherman says "the forecast was for sunny skies and out of the blue this storm just crapped in my face". At least there isn't 100 percent humidity in his eyes.
After the Lion King is the after party, and after the party is the hotel lobby. Ali isn't feeling well. The guys are freaking out about getting some alone time before she calls it a night. Roberto says "the forecast for the Weatherman, once again he's got a high pressure system moving in so he's got to step it up". Let me do my job, Roberto.
Frank gets some time and gives one of his passionate close mouthed kisses. That is hot stuff.
Ugly Manning Brother impresses. And in the middle of his time, The Weatherman interrupts. Ali looks at him like, "get the hell outta here". Ugly Manning Brother says, "give us a couple more minutes" and The Weatherman meekly walks away. Ouch. Grey skies ahead.
Ali calls it a night and says she's not giving a rose. Kirk walks her to her room. Ali says "sing me a lullabye". Sweetie, aren't you done with the singing at this point? Who knows? Maybe she asked Froggy to sing. Nothing is off the table, we're through the looking glass, people.
"Protect and guard your heart" count is up to 11.
Chris the Dark Horse gets the last one on one. But Ali is too sick, so he has to just hang out in her hotel room and make out with her germ ridden mouth.
Gee, I wonder what Chris is going to talk about. Oh yeah, dead mom. He's a one trick dead mom pony.
Meanwhile, Frog voice sneaks out of the hotel and walks (in a very strange way) around the city. Then he goes into a tattoo parlor. Cut to commercial. Oh crap.
Guess what the tattoo is? A shield to "protect and guard her heart". 12.
Ali is magically healed and she and Chris go out. They go to a club and talk more about dead moms. Sweet. Then they call his dad to put a damper on his day. "Mom still dead?" "Yep".
Ali gives him a rose. Works every time. Chris is a dark horse, but he really needs to step up and move beyond this mom shit and be a man and make out and stuff.
They go upstairs and world famous Joshua Radin is playing for them. 3rd musical guest of the season, a new record! They finally awkwardly make out, and now Chris has the same sickness that Ali, Kirk, Roberto, and Frank have.
Still no mention of the voice! It's all I think about. It haunts me at night.
The Weatherman gets some one on one. He says he has some "depth", he's not just some "weather dude". And guess what? He has a God Damn guitar. Fuck me. He sings. So much singing. There's a reason I don't like American Idol.
After the song, the Weatherman says "skies are clearing, looks like sun is back in the forecast". The Doppler Douche 5000 is way off tonight.
When listening to Casey I can't help but think of the movie "Boomerang" and Eddie Murphy saying "what dime does da show tart?"
13 mentions.
14.
Casey put 11 stones on the tattoo which signifies "the top 11 guys that Ali has chosen to be with". So the tattoo is kinda for the dudes too?
15.
Frank steals Ali away from that lunatic before he can reveal the tattoo to her. Saved by the Frank.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Froggy has to be gone, but will the producers save him for that tattoo reveal? The Weatherman is toast. And how is the guy who hasn't spoken a word the entire season still here?
KIRK - I call him "The Mono Maker".
FRANK - Mango!
CRAIG - Ugly Manning brother has all the elements you're looking for except that he's ugly.
CHRIS - GUY WHO HASN'T SPOKEN?!!!
ROBERTO - the frontrunner
JUSTIN - Rated R in the building. He didn't get a date this week, had to keep him just because of that.
TY - not a lot of face time, but he's still all ears.
KASEY!!!
I might quit this show right now. No Jesse? That was my boy. What happened? I demand an explanation. She says "I just don't think we really matched up". Oh, but you match up with Frog Voice? Well what does that say about you, honey?
At least the Weatherman is gone. But I'll miss him. The same way I miss Craig the crazy hair guy. There goes all my weather related jokes. Maybe I'll keep doing them in honor of him.
Funny part is, he can't understand it. Dude, you cried at the thought of kissing her. Yeah, that might have had something to do with it.
Next week, they go to Iceland. Expect chilly temps with some late in the day volcano. Ali says "the only thing Kasey has to do is be normal". Well he's been so normal to this point...
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Huge News: I Finally Understand Women
I went to a Bachelor Party this weekend. You know what means: strip club. I should go there more often because every time I do we all get a delightful blog about it.
So I'm at the Spearmint Rhino...
And they flood the place with girls. White, black, asian, good looking, not so good looking, holy shit you really work here? looking. You can't stand around for more than 5 seconds without being asked if you want to go to the back room for a dance. It's kinda like going to a car dealership but instead of the salesman constantly trying to sell you a car they're trying to sell you a motorboat.
This environment is very interesting for 2 reasons:
#1. It's the complete opposite of how a regular bar works - normally it's a million guys who are trying to get women to back to their place.
And...
#2. Titties!
Reason number 1 is how I came to understand women. Because at a strip club, I am a woman.
The only difference is that instead of a vagina, I have money. And these bitches will do anything they can to get my cash, just like fellas will do anything they can to get in a girl's pants. That kind of rhymes.
Just like men in a regular bar, strippers approach in a variety of different ways. Some come up and straight ask to go back. Others give a little sweet talk and then ask. And others grab your penis and demand payment.
Now, for better or worse, men are not allowed to do that last thing. The inventor of the pussy pop is resting comfortably in a jail somewhere. But still, very similar.
And this is where the me understanding women part comes in. I learned that when you're in the driver's seat, you're not as anxious to immediately get it on. You want to enjoy yourself. Hang out with your friends. Have a drink. This is how women are at the club.
Yes, I will eventually be going to the back room. I know this. But do I have to do it immediately? Of course not. I have options. Because one thing is for sure, I'm not going to the back alone.
So I won't go with just anyone. I will go with the woman who wants to get to know me, Irwin Handleman, and all of the wonderfully unique qualities that make me, me. I want to be listened to. More importantly, I want to be heard. I want to see that I am more than just a piece of meat to you, or rather, a piece of paycheck. Let's get to know each other. How long have you worked here? Do you enjoy it? Can you get herpes from a lap dance?
And if the conversation is nice and you say the right things and you don't rush me and you make it seem like it's not all about my money, we will go to the back.
Of course I'm still a man, so sometimes just grabbing my dick works too.
So I'm at the Spearmint Rhino...
And they flood the place with girls. White, black, asian, good looking, not so good looking, holy shit you really work here? looking. You can't stand around for more than 5 seconds without being asked if you want to go to the back room for a dance. It's kinda like going to a car dealership but instead of the salesman constantly trying to sell you a car they're trying to sell you a motorboat.
This environment is very interesting for 2 reasons:
#1. It's the complete opposite of how a regular bar works - normally it's a million guys who are trying to get women to back to their place.
And...
#2. Titties!
Reason number 1 is how I came to understand women. Because at a strip club, I am a woman.
The only difference is that instead of a vagina, I have money. And these bitches will do anything they can to get my cash, just like fellas will do anything they can to get in a girl's pants. That kind of rhymes.
Just like men in a regular bar, strippers approach in a variety of different ways. Some come up and straight ask to go back. Others give a little sweet talk and then ask. And others grab your penis and demand payment.
Now, for better or worse, men are not allowed to do that last thing. The inventor of the pussy pop is resting comfortably in a jail somewhere. But still, very similar.
And this is where the me understanding women part comes in. I learned that when you're in the driver's seat, you're not as anxious to immediately get it on. You want to enjoy yourself. Hang out with your friends. Have a drink. This is how women are at the club.
Yes, I will eventually be going to the back room. I know this. But do I have to do it immediately? Of course not. I have options. Because one thing is for sure, I'm not going to the back alone.
So I won't go with just anyone. I will go with the woman who wants to get to know me, Irwin Handleman, and all of the wonderfully unique qualities that make me, me. I want to be listened to. More importantly, I want to be heard. I want to see that I am more than just a piece of meat to you, or rather, a piece of paycheck. Let's get to know each other. How long have you worked here? Do you enjoy it? Can you get herpes from a lap dance?
And if the conversation is nice and you say the right things and you don't rush me and you make it seem like it's not all about my money, we will go to the back.
Of course I'm still a man, so sometimes just grabbing my dick works too.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Ali the Bachelorette: Episode 3
How come this season doesn't have a subtitle? There was Officer and a Gentleman, An English Gentleman...this season could be:
24 Men and a Deaf Guy, or No Blacks Allowed, or We've Given Up.
Anyway, the show. Roberto gets a one on one date (after not getting a date last show). The Bachelor Copter picks them up. This stopped being cool 11 seasons ago. Even better, Ali is afraid to fly. Then why the fuck do they keep making her fly? What if I was the Bachelor and every date was at a dog park? There'd be a lawsuit.
Someone in the comments mentioned that Jesse looks like Michael Phelps. Agreed. Except with a normal mouth.
For some reason, Ali and Roberto have to tight rope across two buildings to get to their dinner. When did this turn into Fear Factor? Where is Joe Rogan? Let's put the focus back where it belongs: hot tubs.
They kiss while walking across in a Jake/Vienna moment. Be right back, have to puke...
And I'm back. And I'm greeted with Ali's standard "WHOOOOOO!!!"
I'll say it: this show hasn't been the same since Craig the Hair guy left.
HOLD THE PHONE. Okay, I have to set the stage for what's about to happen. At the house, the guys get their next "date" box. It's a group date to go singing. Frog guy isn't one of the guys that gets to go. And this is a direct quote from Frog Voice:
"I think they're gonna go do something that has to do with music which sucks because I would love to go sing and show Ali my voice a little bit...I'd love to sing her a song from my heart"
Holy crap. I can't even begin to make fun of this.
Ali really thinks highly of Roberto's looks. I don't know. He's aiight. She says "I don't know if I'm good looking enough for him". Oh, so many issues. It's what's on the inside that c--I couldn't even finish that sentence.
My boss Daniel watches this show religiously as well. He said that if he was on the show he would try to finger the girl immediately. I kind of agree. I mean, we're 30 God Damn years old. Who just makes out with someone anymore? Let's get to the business.
Roberto makes out with Ali and she gives him a rose, and then he gives her his finger.
Next group date. They meet Ali in the middle of nowhere, she tells them that she has "a little bit of a surprise for you today". Really? You do? I'd love one time for the bachelor to say: "i have something completely expected for you - awkward conversations!"
Barenaked Ladies sighting!
What a huge get. Go Bachelor producers. Who's next - 3 Doors Down?
The Ladies are going to sing "a new song". Just what we all want to hear from them. Watching X-Files with no lights on!
The guys and Ali are going to make a video for them. The Ladies demo (music term) the song, and gay Frank dances really funny. It's some kind of rain dance. Sorry dude, Raining Men was just a song.
The Weatherman's scene involves kissing. He's uncomfortable with that. Of course he is. You can tell he is making Ali feel really awkward. You can tell because he's making me feel really awkward. Then he cries!!! What? Why? The man starts bawling. I did not see that storm front coming at all.
Lots of kissing with other dudes. I think this video is about a huge whore.
Chris finally admits that his mom is dead. Now that he's coming clean, this guy is a big dark horse candidate.
Kirk - who had a heavy makeout session during the video - gets in the hot tub for some more making out. But it's weird because Ali kisses him where his mustache is supposed to be and he's nailing her in the chin. We're supposed to think that this is some hot and heavy scene, but that's just an extended peck, people.
Kirk gets the rose.
They watch the finished video. Can't lie, the Ladies song ain't that bad. Chicken to China, the Chinese Chicken!
Justin the crippled wrestler feels he isn't getting enough Ali time. So he decides to crutch down to her house. Ali seems genuinely pleased by this. You know, when a dude shows up uninvited at your house that's normally considered a stalker. Ali considers it flattering. Women are such suckers for dumb, unnecessary gestures. There's nothing wrong with a guy who plays by the rules, ladies.
Frog Deaf guy has said 20 words at the most this episode - I've been hanging on every one.
Guess what, everyone? Justin doesn't care what the other guys think and isn't here to make friends.
Poor Hunter. He's got absolutely nothing going for him, and he's quite obviously being set up to fail. All the other one on ones were big extravaganzas where Ali liked the guys. Hunter, not so much. He's going home.
Justin becomes a huge doucher when talking with the guys. He gets in a funny argument with Frog Guy Voice. It's not a funny argument, it's just funny to listen to Froggy. Oh, and also because Justin cries. Christ. There's been more crying on this episode than when Frog Guy's parents first heard him speak.
Ali finally ends our misery and dumps Hunter. He asks if there's anything he can do to change her mind. Bro, I've been watching this show for 19 years, no one has ever changed their mind about dumping someone. Well, except maybe DeAnna and Graham Bunn (Bunn is being mentioned on every recap for some reason. I just like writing Bunn).
I've known a lot of Justin's in my day. Hated all of them. I did, however, admire their eyebrows.
Ali always wears dresses that are too long and so she has to pick them up whenever she walks. You're not 6'2", sweetie.
Ali spills the beans about Justin walking to her house. The guys are not happy. Creepy Frog Voice says that he thinks that Justin is creepy.
Ali starts to realize that Justin is the "Vienna" of the house. Wow. Exactly. So what are you gonna do, Ali? No one hated Vienna more than you. It's gut check time.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Ugly Manning brother is gone, so is the Weatherman, and there's another guy who I've barely seen that has to be done. Well, either him or the guy who couldn't open the champagne.
CHRIS - dark horse, dead mom.
JESSE - young, Phelps, normal mouth
CHRIS N. - this is the guy I've barely seen, still a mystery.
TY - quiet night, but still strong and still all ears
THE FROG - even though he didn't get to show off his voice!
CRAIG - Ugly Manning Brother hangs in there
FRANK - Mango!
THE WEATHERMAN?! - wait, is this a list of the guys she's getting rid of? so confused right now. no way can she keep him.
JUSTIN - they tried to make this dramatic, but obviously
Champagne guy is gone, and the other guy I didn't remember who seems gay (his name is John). Well, they did need to go. It's just The Weatherman is so much more deserving. That has to be a producer's pick, because she is giving him nothing but a cold front during high pressure situations.
Next week, Froggy loses his mind...and shows off his voice!!! I can't recommend anything more strongly than next week's episode.
24 Men and a Deaf Guy, or No Blacks Allowed, or We've Given Up.
Anyway, the show. Roberto gets a one on one date (after not getting a date last show). The Bachelor Copter picks them up. This stopped being cool 11 seasons ago. Even better, Ali is afraid to fly. Then why the fuck do they keep making her fly? What if I was the Bachelor and every date was at a dog park? There'd be a lawsuit.
Someone in the comments mentioned that Jesse looks like Michael Phelps. Agreed. Except with a normal mouth.
For some reason, Ali and Roberto have to tight rope across two buildings to get to their dinner. When did this turn into Fear Factor? Where is Joe Rogan? Let's put the focus back where it belongs: hot tubs.
They kiss while walking across in a Jake/Vienna moment. Be right back, have to puke...
And I'm back. And I'm greeted with Ali's standard "WHOOOOOO!!!"
I'll say it: this show hasn't been the same since Craig the Hair guy left.
HOLD THE PHONE. Okay, I have to set the stage for what's about to happen. At the house, the guys get their next "date" box. It's a group date to go singing. Frog guy isn't one of the guys that gets to go. And this is a direct quote from Frog Voice:
"I think they're gonna go do something that has to do with music which sucks because I would love to go sing and show Ali my voice a little bit...I'd love to sing her a song from my heart"
Holy crap. I can't even begin to make fun of this.
Ali really thinks highly of Roberto's looks. I don't know. He's aiight. She says "I don't know if I'm good looking enough for him". Oh, so many issues. It's what's on the inside that c--I couldn't even finish that sentence.
My boss Daniel watches this show religiously as well. He said that if he was on the show he would try to finger the girl immediately. I kind of agree. I mean, we're 30 God Damn years old. Who just makes out with someone anymore? Let's get to the business.
Roberto makes out with Ali and she gives him a rose, and then he gives her his finger.
Next group date. They meet Ali in the middle of nowhere, she tells them that she has "a little bit of a surprise for you today". Really? You do? I'd love one time for the bachelor to say: "i have something completely expected for you - awkward conversations!"
Barenaked Ladies sighting!
What a huge get. Go Bachelor producers. Who's next - 3 Doors Down?
The Ladies are going to sing "a new song". Just what we all want to hear from them. Watching X-Files with no lights on!
The guys and Ali are going to make a video for them. The Ladies demo (music term) the song, and gay Frank dances really funny. It's some kind of rain dance. Sorry dude, Raining Men was just a song.
The Weatherman's scene involves kissing. He's uncomfortable with that. Of course he is. You can tell he is making Ali feel really awkward. You can tell because he's making me feel really awkward. Then he cries!!! What? Why? The man starts bawling. I did not see that storm front coming at all.
Lots of kissing with other dudes. I think this video is about a huge whore.
Chris finally admits that his mom is dead. Now that he's coming clean, this guy is a big dark horse candidate.
Kirk - who had a heavy makeout session during the video - gets in the hot tub for some more making out. But it's weird because Ali kisses him where his mustache is supposed to be and he's nailing her in the chin. We're supposed to think that this is some hot and heavy scene, but that's just an extended peck, people.
Kirk gets the rose.
They watch the finished video. Can't lie, the Ladies song ain't that bad. Chicken to China, the Chinese Chicken!
Justin the crippled wrestler feels he isn't getting enough Ali time. So he decides to crutch down to her house. Ali seems genuinely pleased by this. You know, when a dude shows up uninvited at your house that's normally considered a stalker. Ali considers it flattering. Women are such suckers for dumb, unnecessary gestures. There's nothing wrong with a guy who plays by the rules, ladies.
Frog Deaf guy has said 20 words at the most this episode - I've been hanging on every one.
Guess what, everyone? Justin doesn't care what the other guys think and isn't here to make friends.
Poor Hunter. He's got absolutely nothing going for him, and he's quite obviously being set up to fail. All the other one on ones were big extravaganzas where Ali liked the guys. Hunter, not so much. He's going home.
Justin becomes a huge doucher when talking with the guys. He gets in a funny argument with Frog Guy Voice. It's not a funny argument, it's just funny to listen to Froggy. Oh, and also because Justin cries. Christ. There's been more crying on this episode than when Frog Guy's parents first heard him speak.
Ali finally ends our misery and dumps Hunter. He asks if there's anything he can do to change her mind. Bro, I've been watching this show for 19 years, no one has ever changed their mind about dumping someone. Well, except maybe DeAnna and Graham Bunn (Bunn is being mentioned on every recap for some reason. I just like writing Bunn).
I've known a lot of Justin's in my day. Hated all of them. I did, however, admire their eyebrows.
Ali always wears dresses that are too long and so she has to pick them up whenever she walks. You're not 6'2", sweetie.
Ali spills the beans about Justin walking to her house. The guys are not happy. Creepy Frog Voice says that he thinks that Justin is creepy.
Ali starts to realize that Justin is the "Vienna" of the house. Wow. Exactly. So what are you gonna do, Ali? No one hated Vienna more than you. It's gut check time.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Ugly Manning brother is gone, so is the Weatherman, and there's another guy who I've barely seen that has to be done. Well, either him or the guy who couldn't open the champagne.
CHRIS - dark horse, dead mom.
JESSE - young, Phelps, normal mouth
CHRIS N. - this is the guy I've barely seen, still a mystery.
TY - quiet night, but still strong and still all ears
THE FROG - even though he didn't get to show off his voice!
CRAIG - Ugly Manning Brother hangs in there
FRANK - Mango!
THE WEATHERMAN?! - wait, is this a list of the guys she's getting rid of? so confused right now. no way can she keep him.
JUSTIN - they tried to make this dramatic, but obviously
Champagne guy is gone, and the other guy I didn't remember who seems gay (his name is John). Well, they did need to go. It's just The Weatherman is so much more deserving. That has to be a producer's pick, because she is giving him nothing but a cold front during high pressure situations.
Next week, Froggy loses his mind...and shows off his voice!!! I can't recommend anything more strongly than next week's episode.
The Blog I Wrote in My Dream
You know it's time to reexamine your life when you have dreams of something exciting happening, and then in your dream you write the blog about it. That's what happened to me last night. So here's what I remember:
I was in college in a psychology class. As in all my dreams, I was unprepared, running late, and completely out of my element. Everyone was really into the class, and revealing things about themselves. Meanwhile I was nervous because I hadn't done the assigned reading.
I remember a friend of mine from high school was there. As people were opening up about their lives, he had a breakthrough and confessed to everyone teacher that he frequently goes on craigslist to find girls who only want to do anal. This seemed odd. But the teacher gave him a hug and treated him like he was the star student.
I'm no dream expert, but I'm pretty sure this has something to do with too much facebook and porn.
Anyway, I wasn't as invested as everyone else. So I pulled out a peach - even in my dreams I love peaches! - and started chomping away.
However, I didn't have a napkin. And that's when up a couple rows up ahead I noticed a guy staring at me. He was horrified by my peach and lack of napkin. And that person was...
George Costanza.
He couldn't get over it. How could I eat a juicy peach with no napkin? He kept staring and shaking his head.
Finally, Costanza had enough. He got up and marched over to me and took out a towel/napkin and roughly cleaned my face like my mom used to do.
Immediately, I thought "this would make a great blog". It was great in my dream, at least.
I was in college in a psychology class. As in all my dreams, I was unprepared, running late, and completely out of my element. Everyone was really into the class, and revealing things about themselves. Meanwhile I was nervous because I hadn't done the assigned reading.
I remember a friend of mine from high school was there. As people were opening up about their lives, he had a breakthrough and confessed to everyone teacher that he frequently goes on craigslist to find girls who only want to do anal. This seemed odd. But the teacher gave him a hug and treated him like he was the star student.
I'm no dream expert, but I'm pretty sure this has something to do with too much facebook and porn.
Anyway, I wasn't as invested as everyone else. So I pulled out a peach - even in my dreams I love peaches! - and started chomping away.
However, I didn't have a napkin. And that's when up a couple rows up ahead I noticed a guy staring at me. He was horrified by my peach and lack of napkin. And that person was...
George Costanza.
He couldn't get over it. How could I eat a juicy peach with no napkin? He kept staring and shaking his head.
Finally, Costanza had enough. He got up and marched over to me and took out a towel/napkin and roughly cleaned my face like my mom used to do.
Immediately, I thought "this would make a great blog". It was great in my dream, at least.
Friday, June 04, 2010
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
New Tosh.0 Tonight at 10:30
We are back with all new episodes. I think it's 16 new shows in a row, so your summer is starting off strong.
Tonight's episode might be our best so far, or at least most solid from start to finish. And Daniel will reveal his new wardrobe! What will it be? Mock turtles? Wet suits? Topless? You'll have to tune in to find out.
Fun fact: true Handleman fans will note that I used "all actors are gay" on both the blog and on the show. And you thought you were getting new material on here. Nope, the "all actors are gay" line is too much gold for one media source.
Tonight's episode might be our best so far, or at least most solid from start to finish. And Daniel will reveal his new wardrobe! What will it be? Mock turtles? Wet suits? Topless? You'll have to tune in to find out.
Fun fact: true Handleman fans will note that I used "all actors are gay" on both the blog and on the show. And you thought you were getting new material on here. Nope, the "all actors are gay" line is too much gold for one media source.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)