I Love Weiner

Anthony Weiner is a congressman from New York. He is very smart, and very good at yelling at people - a trait I greatly admire.

Here he is yelling at Republicans because of their vote on a health care bill for workers who got sick from working at ground zero after 9/11.

Basically, the Democrats tried to fast track the bill so there could be no amendments attached to it. And the Republicans voted it down.

Weiner's response...

Ali the Bachelorette: The Guys Tell Us Not That Much

I don't recap this. And for good reason. To wit:

No Justin. Okay, that sucks, but...

No crazy hair Craig. Ooh, that's not too good either, but...

No Frank. They're "saving" him for "after the final rose". So basically, this show features nothing we want to see.

Question: why don't they have it in their contracts that they have to appear on this show? Wouldn't that be standard? This doesn't seem hard, people.

Hold up. There is one thing we want to see: Frog Voice/Deaf guy.

The other guys all verify that Kasey is indeed crazy, but they "respect" him for it. He was "there for the right reasons". I guess the right reasons involve singing and talking funny.

As the guys are saying how psycho Kasey is, he looks like he's never been happier.

Frog voice's voice is less froggy. He also thinks he's a "good memory".

"Guard and Protect Your Heart" count = 5.

In true Manning brother fashion, Ugly Manning Brother is acting like he's the quarterback of the dudes.

Chris Harrison goes into the audience for questions, and the first lady is very inappropriately dressed for that giant spare tire she's sporting. Good Lord. It's like a spare tire for a Jeep.

Ali comes out and oh no! A giant bird has taken a dump on her head. Oh, that's her hair do.

Fuck me. Deaf guy sings. It's uncomfortable. I hate how he thinks he's in on the joke and yet he totally isn't.

The end.


Next week - the lame finale, and then...Bachelor Pad! They could not make the finale look more boring and Bachelor Pad look more awesome. Interesting strategy, but sadly, I'm on board for both.

Can't Stop Watching This Trailer

It might not be a great movie, but it sure is a great 3 minute short. The music is sick.

These Are the Posts I Should Be Writing

Josh Friedman is a writer. He has a blog. He averages a post a year. And it's usually awesome. Maybe if I only posted once a year, it would be like this, but I doubt it.

I discovered him because he wrote a great blog about the time a studio tried to steal writing credit from him on "War of the Worlds". This was especially interesting to me because I had the same shit happen (on the movie, "Not Even Close to War of the Worlds")

Anyway, I've actually been thinking a lot lately about 1 hour dramas. Yes, these are the things I think about. For example, there are shows like "Lost" and "24", and then there are "procedurals" - Law and Order, CSI, The Mentalist, House, etc. These are shows that have a different case that is solved every episode.

For whatever reason, middle America is like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. They love procedurals - so easy to follow! - and get "frightened and confused" by shows that don't have neat endings after each episode.

This is annoying.

But just as this was all in my head, Josh Friedman has a great post about it. You might enjoy it.

"Inception" Was Pretty Good, It Needed More of This Dude

His name is Tom Hardy. He plays the forger. Y'all need to recognize.

Ali the Bachelorette: The One Where Frank Finally Loses It

Man, they have teased this one forever. Thank God it's finally here. They fooled a lot of people by doing "this season on the Bachelorette..." after every show and then showing Frank telling Ali "we have to talk". Well, after crawling through the crap of the last 3 episodes - no hair guy, no deaf guy, no wrestler guy - it's finally upon us...

Los Angeles. Dead Mom. He looks at the sunset, and tells us more about his dead mom. Such a downer. This is supposed to be fantasy suite time, not dead mom time.

Roberto packs. For some reason, he brings his Lion King CD. First of all, that wasn't your finest moment. Second of all, put that thing on Itunes - who's still lugging around CDs these days?

Frank lies on a bed, just pondering things, as straight guys are known to do. He tells us that "there's something holding me back". Yeah, your love for man ass. He says "as I've fallen in love with Ali, I realized, I might still be in love with Nicole".

That's such a lie. No one does that. Falling in love with a girl has made you fall in love with a different one? I don't think so. This guy is a huge piece of shit. Don't these people care about how they look on TV?

He says he has to fly back to Chicago and see Nicole and test his feelings. Unless she has a dick, I don't think that's gonna help matters.

We follow Frank as he walks up to some random apartment door and knocks. Nicole answers. They go in. Hold up! She's in a hotel. This is so lame. Why is she in a hotel if she lives in Chicago and is acting like this is some big surprise to her?

They give us no back story as to their relationship. Were they even broken up? Tell us, Bachelorette. Tell us anything.

Frank says he's been thinking about Nicole the entire time, after every date with Ali. Really, douchebag? Cause this is the first time I'm hearing it.

Nicole tells Frank "I never thought somebody would actually complete somebody". Are you calling Ms. Renee Zellweger a liar, lady? Cause that I will not stand for.

Then she says "you need to come home". Frank smiles and they cuddle. Gross. My only satisfaction in this is that now Frank has to fly for 13 hours to dump Ali, and then fly 13 hours back, all the while not getting to spend a second in any sort of fantasy suite. Bad timing, my friend. Get in that suite first, then start dumping people.

I'm not pointing any fingers, but I remember when Frank was a fan favorite.

Onto Tahiti. Date #1 is with Roberto.

Awkward silhouette shot of Ali coming up out of the ocean. Can't explain it, you just have to see it.

Bachelor-Copter! They fly over Tahiti. Not a lot to see, just ocean. Ali says if she ends up with Roberto she'd be "one of the luckiest woman". I can't refutiate that.

They hang out in a heart shaped lagoon. In case you didn't catch that, the lagoon is heart shaped.

Roberto tells Ali he's falling in love with her. Hard for me to focus on that because I'm so annoyed at Ali's "listening" face.

I don't think I can know if I'm falling in love with someone before I've taken them to my fantasy suite. Their actions once inside could make me fall out of love very quickly.

It really is extra creepy that the fantasy suite card is presented as being "from Chris Harrison". That's some Bishop Don Magic Juan shit. It's like they don't want to bang, but Chris is demanding that they do. It's the well thought out card version of "hey you two, get a room!"

Date #2: Dead Mom. If anyone can screw up closing the deal, it's this guy. His version of getting to 3rd base is giving a girl a bracelet.

They go on a boat. Chris says "thanks for inviting me out here". Shut up. Don't you know you're on a TV show yet? Ali mentions how much she enjoyed the home visit and Chris practically starts crying. Which leads to: bracelet talk! Man, these two can't stop with the hot and heavy stuff.

Ali has furry arms.

They're so bad at kissing each other. Yuck. They're like 2 girls in a porno scene who aren't really lesbians but are forced to kiss each other and feel weird about it.

They find pearls in some clams. Wish I hadn't just used up my one porn joke, cause this calls for several. But let's just say this is probably the last clam Chris will be opening up on this date.

Ali says that Chris is "a little goofy and silly". Yeah, and not on purpose. That's the problem.

Chris says yes to the fantasy suite. If it was my fantasy, the Dead Mom wouldn't be brought up. 2 minutes in, fantasy ruined. Thanks a lot, Chris.

Finally, Frank. For some reason, they give us Frank talking to Chris Harrison first. They act like Chris doesn't know what's going on. Chris is "blown away". I really hope Dead Mom Chris was blown away last night.

This is giving me flashbacks of the multiple occasions when I've broken up with girls. Gives me the PTSD heebie jeebies. This must be what Vietnam is like to vets.

For some reason, Frank is going "no glasses" here. It's like the guy before was Clark Kent, and now he's gone into a phone booth and transformed into a huge dick.

Ali sees Frank and lets out a huge laugh. Ha! This is gonna hurt.

Frank says the now infamous "we have to talk" line. Ali instantly panics, her face looks so scared - this is where I would completely lose my nerve and go "nevermind! everything's great! let's go to the fantasy suite!" But keep in mind, I'm a giant pussy and want everyone to like me.

They sit together. It's quiet for a long time. I want him to blurt out "I have cancer" or something that would make this better.

He hasn't said a word and already she's crying. Dammit, girls are good. Frank tells her of the ex girlfriend.

He's talking so slow. Jesus. I want her to just go, "do you know what room Roberto is in?"

It's pretty clear from what Ali is saying that she chose Frank. He was gonna be the winner. Good Lord. Let's remember, this is the guy who lives with his parents and thinks he's going to be a screenwriter in Chicago. That can't be stressed enough.

This is What You Don't Say to Women 101:

Ali: I gave up everything to be here.
Frank: I gave up everything to be here too.

Moron.

Ali: Apparently not everything.

Ha. Ha.

Ali's hair has gone crazy. It's like bed head, but from crying. Cry head?

Ali sits on the beach crying, alone. Then Chris Harrison strolls up. Chris complains that he's not going to get to say "Gentlemen, Ali, this is the final rose of the evening" this episode.

Ali says some low self esteem shit like "I wish I could get Frank to stay". This girl. I don't think she's gonna choose anyone now, but if Roberto would just be a dick to her, she'd marry him in a second.

She says "I can't help but think that there's something wrong with me". Yep, there is.

Ali says she's confident that she could get married to one of the 2 guys left. She couldn't mean it less. Chris Harrison says that "it's important to do the Rose Ceremony". Important?

ROSE CEREMONY

I don't care what the odds say, I'm sticking with this prediction every week: Dead Mom is getting eliminated for sure.

It's so annoying: they are trying to pretend like there is some drama to this rose ceremony. As if another one of the guys is gonna say "thanks, but no thanks. I'm going back to my ex girlfriend that I've never mentioned".

I think it's a little rude that Ali greeted Dead Mom and Roberto by saying "Hey, two of you that I don't want".

Ali tells them what happened with Frank, but neglects to mention that there was another girl involved.

CHRIS - dammit! Can't believe I got this wrong again.

ROBERTO - huge upset! Looks like there's going to be a finale episode after all. I thought they might just end the show right here.

I wonder if it's awkward at all with Chris and Roberto standing next to each other, both knowing that they are most likely wiener cousins.


Next week: the guys tell all, and guard and protect their hearts.

An Attempt to Get More Black Guy Readers

I Went to College With The Old Spice Guy

The Old Spice Guy's real name is Isiah Mustafa. I went to college with him. Only, I didn't know him as Isiah Mustafa, I knew him as "God Dammit, Mustafa!"

Because he was on our football team, he played wide receiver, and he could not catch. Time and time again, Jake the Snake Plummer would drop back, survey the field, and fire a strike and God Dammit, Mustafa! would drop the ball. Every time.

But we kept on the field because he should have been awesome. He was big and fast. He was the next Terrell Owens. Unfortunately, he never could hang onto the ball.

Luckily though, he always smelled delightful. His arm pits were like flowers. So instead of the NFL, he went to his fall back, selling deodorant. God Dammit, Old Spice Guy!

The Hills Finale Gives You the Middle Finger

We all know MTV's "The Hills" is fake. But they try very hard to pretend that it's a reality show. Here's what they did on the finale last night and the insanity that followed:

On the show, Kristen told Brody that she wanted to be his lady, but he said "thanks, but no thanks" because he already has a girlfriend. So suddenly, and awkwardly, Kristen announces to her friends that she's going to "go to Europe" to live. This made no sense and was not developed at all, but just stick with me...

So at the end, she had a teary goodbye with Brody, got in her car, and headed off to the airport. As we watch Brody watch her go, the Hollywood sign behind him starts move. Then as the camera pulls out, we see that he's on a soundstage with lights and cameras around him. Then we see Kristen's car there, and she gets out and hugs Brody, and we Fade Out.

Basically, it was a fuck you to the audience. This show you've invested in for all this time is complete bullshit, and with the last 20 seconds, we're showing you how stupid you've been to believe it at all.

Now, I didn't have a problem with that. I started laughing. It was a bold, interesting choice. But then I watched the "After The Hills Show".

It was hosted by 2 idiots at some hotel, where they were interviewing the cast and surrounded by "Hills" fans. Kristen comes out. And the first question they ask her is...

"So where are you going to live in Europe?"

My head exploded.

Where are you going to live in Europe? You dumb asshole, the show is fucking fake. It just punched you in the face with it. So no, she's not going to live in Europe! It was like asking Seinfeld when he thought he and the gang would be getting out of jail.

But I think the bigger question that needs to be answered is: why was I watching "The Hills"? Some mysteries will never be solved.

Ali the Bachelorette: Hometown Visits

Man, this season is taking forever. And at 2 hours a pop, I'm getting burned out. But we've come too far to turn back now...

Hometown visits. Roberto is up first. He lives in Tampa. I've heard that's the armpit of the world. The other armpit? Yuma, Arizona. And if we're basing this on smell, then the vagina of the world has to be New Orleans.

They go to a baseball field. Ali keeps laughing way too much. Roberto gives her a jersey with his number and her name on it. This makes her laugh uncontrollably.

Then Roberto comes out in his uniform. Ali says it "makes her proud". Proud? Not sure what level ball "Tampa" is, but it's probably the level Michael Jordan plays in when he gets bored. And I don't think they pay more than minimum wage.

They play baseball together. And by play I mean Ali laughs and keeps jumping on top of him in that straddle/kiss move first coined by Jillian.

She meets Roberto's family. His dad is Roberto Sr., his sister is Olga, and his mom is Olga...Sr.? Our names are so awesome we have to name our kids the same thing! The Olga tradition must live on!

Roberto's padre is worried because Ali "has a lot of things she wants to do". Yeah, what a bitch. He says that Roberto has big goals and his job "might take him many places". Uh, isn't he an insurance agent?

Roberto Sr. to Jr.: "You're a big prize...a big, big prize". Yep, not too many insurance agents in Tampa.

I think Roberto's mom gave birth to him when she was 12.

If you only watched this show, you'd just assume that latinos are constantly salsa dancing.

2nd Hometown. Dead Mom in Cape Cod. I wonder what they'll talk about...

Chris waits for Ali with a dog. Ali gets out of the car, "it's a doggy!" She runs to the dog, the dog runs to her, it's a moment, and then...

The dog runs right past her towards an unseen producer. Good dog.

Have I mentioned that Dead Mom is horrible with women? My Lord. This show is so confusing sometimes, because they somehow find these halfway decent looking people who don't know how to act around the opposite sex.

Chris seems to be going for the "screw excitement! screw fun! let's just skip all that and go right to being 60 years old already!" appeal. These two are firmly implanted in the friend zone. No way he gets past this. She's gonna feel real bad about it though.

You have to wonder how a guy like this ends up on this show though. They definitely didn't find him the same way they found Rated R. This guy is a damn sweetheart. He's like Owen Wilson in "Meet the Parents". I wouldn't be surprised if he takes Ali around back to show her the gazebo he built. Strong to quite strong.

Ali is wearing that creepy bracelet that Chris gave her. She notices that his sisters are wearing the bracelet too. Yikes. Run! What's the protocol when she dumps him? She has to give it back, right? With a "you should give this to someone who can give you what you want".

Chris' dad might be Mickey Mantle. He talks with Ali alone. They talk about baseball, and drinking, and the weather. Whoops, no, they talk about the dead mom.

If I ever talked to my sister's about a girl like this, I would shoot myself if they didn't beat me to it. It's amazing how proud I am of being closed off and dead inside.

Mickey Mantle asks Chris if Ali is his soul mate. He thinks so. Unfortunately, she's not his fuck mate. And that's kind of an important part of mating.

Chris thinks that his mom is up there orchestrating all of this. That's actually Mike Fleiss.

Interesting note: they have given this date 3 times as much coverage as Roberto's date.

Chris finally makes out with Ali in a non-retarded way!

3rd date is with Kirk in Wisconsin. "Kirky?" That doesn't work. He's from a broken home, so 2 houses. First up, Dad's house. Great awkward hug between Ali and the step-mom.

Kirk's dad has a mustache, that's pretty much all you need to know. He takes Ali to his basement where he keeps his stuffed animals. He does taxidermy. And there's a freezer of weird animal blood and stuff. I think this is Jeffrey Dahmer's old house.

This was all setup by the producers, obviously. Aside from being a serial killer, he actually seems like an okay dude.

Ali is wearing some "mistake jeans". As in, it would be a mistake to look at her from behind in those jeans.

Next, they go to mom's house. Grandma is there, his mom, and his sister. They all look alike, and grandma is the hottest one. And Grandma is bald. Where did Kirk come from?

A crazy amount of metal in mom's mouth. She explains why Kirk wears the Live Strong bracelet. So there you go. I wish they could better explain where some of these people are in their lives though. What does this dude do now? I don't even know. Where does he live? Is he totally healthy? The only person I really know about is sad, pathetic Frank, hanging out in his parent's house writing awful screenplays and dreaming about Ryan Seacrest.

4th date is with Frank in Chicago. They go on a boat. Ali says "the thing that's great about Frank is that he's at a point in his life where he can get up and go anywhere and do anything, and I'm at that point too". Sweetie, he's 31 and he lives with his parents. He's gay George Costanza, this isn't a positive.

Frank cries some more about the process, and just generally acts strange. These 2 had 1 good date at the very beginning, and they've been chasing it ever since.

They go to his house. Would it surprise you that Frank is wearing the deepest V I've ever seen?

Frank's family is very happy and normal. Seems like the perfect family to come out of the closet to.

Frank's sister calls him "an emotional guy". Ali swoons. I officially have no idea what women want.

Ali shits on Jake a little bit by claiming she feels stronger about a few of the guys still left than she ever did about that little psycho pilot.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It's Kirk or Chris. I think it's Chris. She set up a reason for dropping Kirk - he hasn't had enough serious relationships (as if that's a reason). But there's nothing there with Chris. It's total friend zone. But she could keep him because it's so hard to dump his kind, sweet, gentle ass.

ROBERTO - safe!

CHRIS - she wants to keep that bracelet for one more week.

FRANK - that was a stupid order to do it in. We all know she's picking Frank because he has to melt down next week.

I'm not sure what really cost Kirk. They seemed to have a nice thing going. The family visit didn't help matters, but still...you can't blame his mom's braces for everything.

You can tell the difference between Ali's reaction this week and last week. She clearly didn't give a fuck about dumping Ty.

Ali tells the remaining 3: "things are about to change a lot. Everything gets a lot more intense from here on out". You know what means: time for some fucking (except for you, Frank)!

Next week: Tahiti. And Frank (finally!) loses it...

Why Miami is the Exciting Choice (sports post!)

I like to be an asshole on the internet. I like to go around and yell at people who are saying stupid things. It's a hobby, an enjoyable way to procrastinate. Pamie tells me that this goes against "internet etiquette" and I shouldn't do it. But I disagree. If you're gonna post some bullshit, expect to hear from me about how stupid you are.

In all my years of asshole-dom, it's rare that anyone ever concedes that I am right and they are wrong. But it happened today.

I woke up to a tweet that made me very angry. It was by a gentleman named Will Leitch, who created the sports blog Deadspin. He tweeted:

"Agree w/ @sternbergh: Of all places for LeBron to go, Miami is the worst, the most boring, the lamest narrative."

For some reason, this ruined my morning. So I responded:

"@williamfleitch unless u like actually watching the game of basketball, then its the best. But I'm sure u love watching "narratives"."

He tweeted back:

"@irwinhandleman OK, that's a pretty fair point."

I agree, it is a fair point. And yet I haven't heard people making it. Instead we get this media creation of "narratives". I hate when reporters get more excited about the offseason than they do about the actual season. Kinda the whole point of all this stuff is the games.

And when it comes time to play the games, I want to watch the most talented guys playing together. And the most talented guys playing together would be Lebron + Wade + Bosh.

Remember the Dream Team? I seem to recall that was a pretty fun squad to watch. America enjoyed that. Magic and Bird on the same team! Stockton dishing to Jordan! Charles Barkley fucking hookers with Clyde Drexler!

On the other hand, think of Lebron bringing Cleveland its first title, or saving basketball in New York. What great stories those would be. Unfortunately, they'd involve watching Lebron drop dimes to Delonte West and JJ Hickson, or running the pick and roll with Al Harrington.

Uh yeah, fuck the story. I'd rather watch the good basketball with the best players playing together.

This is Very Disturbing

There's an app called "Fatbooth". It takes your picture and then turns you into a much fatter person. It seems like this country doesn't need fatbooth, it needs skinnybooth. Or at least handsomebooth.

But nevertheless, I did it and the results were frightening.



Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get on my elliptical machine.

Ali the Bachelorette: Jake and Vienna Hijack the Show

Last week: I didn't mention one piece of jewelry and all hell broke loose. Sheesh. I'll try to do better this week, but my weakness has always been accessories. So correction: Ty wears a gay necklace.

Lisbon, Portugal. 5 guys left. 4 dates. Next week, it's meet the family time. Ty's necklace appears to be a cross. For the record, Roberto seems to be wearing something very similar.

I'm so tired of seeing the cut away shot of Mango sulking while someone finds out about their date. You signed up for this!

Roberto is up first. Ali says they have a "passionate chemistry". But she wants to be able to relax and be goofy with him. As Chris Rock once said: What do women want? Everything.

Roberto and Ali dance and make out in the middle of a crowded street. Fucking pedestrians. I really enjoy how Ali thinks Roberto is too good looking for her. She keeps telling him how great he is and all this stuff. Uh, oh, he might be headed for a "too perfect" tag. That's the same thing Jake is cursed with, but of course in his case, it's a complete lie.

Next, 2 on 1 date with Ty and Frank/Mango. Frank is relieved that he doesn't have a one on one this week. Oh wait, no, he's actually crying about it nonstop.

Bachelor-Copter!

They go to some castle or something, and Ty aka Daniel Fucking Boone spots an adorable deer. Wherever this guy goes, western movies happen.

Ali gets alone time with Ty. She says "he grew up with traditional gender roles". Ali breaks the news to Ty that yes, she wants to work. Ty says "it tickles me to death that you have a plan". It makes him laugh that a woman wants to try to make money. Look at you with your cute little career goals.

Mango gets alone time. He tells Ali how close he is with his family, and that "I almost take it for granted, that's how close (my family) is". Um yeah, maybe you take it for granted because you still live with your parents.

Oh shit, Frank interviews to us that he still needs to tell Ali that he lives with his parents. Yes! I thought she already knew this, but I guess not. Here goes:

He tells her. Ali has no reaction, unless you count her vagina drying up. She gives him a friendship hug. Frank thinks she doesn't care. But he also thinks he can pass for straight.

Ali kisses him and it's obvious she's doing all the kissing. Frank's neck is cocked backwards. Also going backwards: his cock.

Next up, Kirk with the one on one date. Ali "surprises" him with a horse drawn carriage. Yep, nothing dudes love more than a horse drawn carriage. Maybe this would've been a better surprise for Frank.

Ali is preoccupied with something. It's annoying. She says the guys are seeing how stressed she is. Funny, she didn't seem that way with Roberto when they were making out in the street.

Oh boy. Ali says to Kirk "I'm just worried that I won't be good enough one day". Fuck me. Someone did something terrible to this girl. She has major issues. Kirk can only respond with "you should not think that".

Man, how many times have I been in that same position and awkwardly said that same thing? You can't turn around years of self hatred and possible cutting with a "don't say that, you're great!" It took me years to discover that the only response is to run, run far far away.

It almost feels like Ali has already chosen Kirk and this date was meant to throw us off the scent.

And the final date is with Chris/Dead Mom. I know we all want Chris to be the guy we want him to be. But I don't think he is. He's a dummy. And a dork.

Ali has to really feel like Chris has a chance for him to get past this episode. You don't want to meet Dead Mom's family if you're just going to break up with him. That's too much heart break for one man.

They go on a moped together. They must have borrowed it from Frank. Chris isn't good at driving it. This guy tends to suck at everything. Well, at least things you can ride. That's not a good sign for other stuff.

They talk about...guess what? Dead mom. Chris starts to cry immediately. There aren't any other topics out here? How about alive dad?

Chris gives Ali a bracelet. Accessories! Guess who used to wear a similar bracelet? Dead mom.

Awkward kiss alert. Dammit, Chris. Be better at this. Be good at something, anything.

We're about an hour into the show and it's rose ceremony time. Why so fast? Because we have to watch Jake and Vienna after. But isn't it amazing how they can easily fit the show into an hour when they want to? Funny thing is, it doesn't seem any different then the 2 hour version.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Ty is gone. A woman's place may be in the kitchen, but his place is back home on the range.

CHRIS - he's in for 1 more week. Ty is gone for sure now.

FRANK - Mango is solid.

ROBERTO - he's too handsome.

Ali, gentleman, it's the final rose of the night...

KIRK - sleeper candidate!

I'm sure as soon as they invent a time machine, Ty will find the perfect woman for him.

This is gonna get interesting when it's the final 3. I think Kirk is the winner now, but nothing would surprise me. Of course, we still have to see Mango self destruct in a future episode.

Ty says goodbye to Ali, and says "you have your thoughts". Damn women and their stupid ideas and opinions and thoughts! See ya back at the ranch, partner.

JAKE AND VIENNA TIME

Chris somberly tells us that there's an update with Jake and Vienna. No shit. It's been fueled by the tabloids, fans, and even Jake and Vienna themselves. He says they're coming on "to find closure". Sure. That and TV time.

Jake comes out first. God, I hate this douche. So gay and perfect. Everything he is saying has to be a lie.

Then Vienna comes out. God, I hate this girl. So gross and disgusting. I love how she said she's doing Playboy and Playboy immediately said "nope, that's totally not happening".

Vienna says that they were only a couple when the cameras were rolling and not in private. Sounds like the Travoltas.

As Vienna talks, Jake looks absolutely deranged. Welcome to my world, buddy. This is how America felt when you kept picking her every week.

Finally, Jake talks to her. And I'm sorry to say it again, but he has never sounded gayer. It's so funny. He goes:

"I'm so mad at you. I'm so disgusted with you. You sold me out to a magazine for payment and then flirted with me all weekend".

The "for payment" thing was the really gay part.

Maybe Jake picked her because when this inevitably happened, he can say she's a liar and everybody would believe him.

Vienna calls Jake a "fake liar". Not sure what that is, but I assume it's pretty bad.

It's so obvious that Vienna is the worst person in the world, and yet Jake is so clearly lying here. He is a pyschopath. Vienna wants him to take a "polly-o-graph".

I think they just bleeped out Chris saying NBC. Weird.

Chris is way prejudiced towards Jake, I don't like it. They appear to be buddies. He is not asking about anything I want to hear about. Did they ever have sex? Who broke up with who? How did it happen? When did it start going bad? What about the gay rumors?

I never thought I'd be on Vienna's side of anything, but Jake has done the impossible.

Vienna asks "how can you get sick of someone in 6 months?" To be fair, I was sick of her after one episode.

Okay, now it's starting to turn. I hate Vienna again. Now I'm on Team Jake! Let's wait 30 seconds for that to change again...

Finally, Vienna brings up the sex thing. She says "first, we were gonna wait 'till marriage. then it was because you were fasting". Ha. The ol' fasting excuse. I can only bang after a hearty meal.

Chris says "we don't really care about your dog". Yes! I can get on board with that. Now I hate both of them and am okay with Chris.

You can't watch this without thinking "why won't Vienna nail him on the gay thing?!"

Vienna keeps interrupting, then Jake snaps and yells at her to stop it. So she walks out of the interview crying. Not exactly the "balled up fists" thing we heard about.

Jake says he's "never been in a relationship where he raised his voice". Yeah, right. He's such a fucking liar. It's all about looking good for the cameras, and he knew he crossed the line a little bit.

Well, this is what happens when the perfect man tries to find love...

Next week on the Bachelorette: Kirk's dad ruins everything.

I Married My Sister This Weekend

As mentioned earlier, I recently became a Reverend for a day. My sister married a very nice gentleman this weekend, and I performed the ceremony. All reports were positive, although I doubt anyone would've come up to me and said it sucked. So who knows.

I do not marry people for a living. I don't even marry people for fun. I'm more comfortable writing things and then giving them to other people to read. This time, I had to talk. As many past girlfriends can tell you, that's usually not a good thing.

My sister and her fiance wrote up a rough draft of the things they wanted in the ceremony. Then I took that and punched it up with some classic Handleman flourishes. Only one problem:

It was short. My shit is punchy!

This, to me, seemed like a good thing. Who wants a long ceremony? Turns out, only one person: my mom.

She was outraged! "People are traveling a long way, we don't want to short change them", says the person who doesn't have to stand there and do the talking.

I tried to make it longer. Someone said to "talk about the venue". Well, if you know me, I'm not one for a lot of venue talk. I can wax poetic about groin shots for hours, but commentary about the ocean and the trees isn't my thing. I couldn't add anything to it that didn't make me feel uncomfortable.

My mom used to be a college basketball coach. She has a lifetime of giving people pep talks. But with women and weddings, suddenly all of that experience went out the window. Instead of making me want to go out and win the big game, she made me want to curl up in the fetal position.

After failing to make it longer, I called her with the bad news a few days before the ceremony. I expected to be consoled. Her first words were "what's this gonna be? A Las Vegas wedding?!" Oh boy.

Then she made it worse. "You know, everyone who is coming has told me how excited they are that you are doing this ceremony. They are expecting BIG things. You can't disappoint them". Thanks, Bobby Knight.

This was unsettling. But I hunkered down. Rehearsed a few times. And became content with what I had. And then the rehearsal happened.

The wedding was to be on a cliff right on the ocean. And I'm not an expert about weather systems, but those tend to be windy places. My papers were flying all over the place.

Also, I didn't have much in my contract rider. But other than m&m's with the green ones removed, I specifically requested multi-colored robes and a Madonna style head microphone. None of this was provided. Mariah Carey would've walked, but I'm anything if not professional, people.

Then, the rehearsal dinner. And all of the sudden I got a crystal clear view of what my mom was talking about. These people did indeed have expectations. But mostly, they had bad jokes. People would say random things to me and I'd get so confused because it was hard to keep their jokes straight. Oh, that's the guy that does the "bless me, my son" joke. And that lady is the one who does the "we need to get you a head dress" line. Hilarious.

All of this served to freak me out. And if that wasn't bad enough, the person who I relied on to give me notes up to that point, suddenly got the nerve to tell me "it's not funny enough". She was spooked by the rehearsal dinner people as much as I was.

Needless to say, I did not get a good night's sleep. But it was really only because of something I put at the beginning of the ceremony. It went like this:

"Welcome everyone. Please be seated. This is my first Reverending gig, so please bear with me. When Nick and Kim called to ask me to do this, I was hoping they wanted me to be the DJ. Nevertheless, this is an honor. Pause for laughs".

It was that damn "pause for laughs" line. Why did I have to put it at the beginning? If that died, I died. That's what was causing the sweats and the giant poop I made that morning.

Also, that darned wind. At one point I had to take the rings, leaving only one hand for my papers, which would be swirling around like it's Candlestick Park.

But then a brilliant idea - I'd put my script on my Kindle. That would solve the wind. And I can one hand that thing in my sleep. Problem solved.

That's me reading from the Kindle, in what Guinness is saying is the first ever Kindle Wedding.

Finally, it was ceremony time. I was pretty confident, but still thinking about the "pause for laughs" line. As the bride and groom got up to me, it was game time. But then, something happened:

A nearby Lifeguard went on his PA system and started yelling at surfers down below. I started my speech at the exact same time and the Maid of Honor looked at me like I was an idiot so I stopped.

"Hey everyone, let's wait 'till the lifeguard gets done with this very important announcement". This got a laugh.

Then I started and quickly got to "pause for laughs". Unfortunately, because of the microphone/speaker setup, there was a delay. I paused to silence. But when I started talking again I heard it come. Phew.

I went through my thing with nary a hiccup. I'm not gonna make any accusations, but someone, it could've been me (it wasn't), dropped the rings. But that was okay. The couple was happy. The guests were happy. And soon enough, it was time to eat, drink, and dance to "Sexy Can I" by Ray J.

And that's my story. You may now kiss my sister.