Before we begin, I thought of an important issue we need to keep in mind while watching: which of these crazy ladies will be strong contestants on "Bachelor Pad"? Adds another dimension to the viewing. Here we go...
Uh oh, shit's gettin' real for Brad. I know cause he said so. Maybe he should tell his therapist.
Melissa, a not good looking, older lady tells us all the crazy stuff she did to be here. She says that she's been "thinking about doing this for 8 years"! Uh, then maybe you want to be going out with the first Bachelor Alex, cause that was his season. Wait, 8 years? How old is she claiming to be?
She adds that she's spent a "fortune on gowns". That's so funny, "gowns". Oh, and she quit her job. Where is she getting this fortune? Will she have to return the gowns?
Ashley H., the dentist with the giant forehead, gets the first date. She's not to be confused with Ashley S., the nanny who got the first impression rose whose dad is dead.
On their date, Brad "surprises" Ashley (H.) with a carnival. Her dress is very inappropriate for a carnival, unless that carnival involves pimps and hos. It's rose or go home on this date, and Ashley is trying way too hard.
Brad says "let's face it, this girl is the entire package". I'm not sure about that package's eyebrows.
They make out and Ashley suctions her lips to his and refuses to let go. Well, at least this package puts out.
Ashley reveals that her dad is a crazy drug addict and she doesn't know where he is. Brad freaks out, because his dad is the same way! Ashley says that she's scared that Brad will feel obligated to pick someone because of what happened last time. Amen. If I was Brad I'd be scared that Ashley researched him and made up that very coincidental dad thing.
There's a group date with 15 women. Michelle is involved. And it's her birthday. She's turning 30 today. Maybe since she went out with Steve Sanders, she's using his aging timeline. So he was 28 while playing a high school kid, so by my math Michelle is actually 42 today.
Melissa, the desperate girl who claims to have been plotting her appearance on this show for the last 8 years, says that she is going to bring it. She looks like Gwyneth Paltrow, if Gwyneth was on crack, then went to rehab, then got hooked on heroin, then went back to rehab, and then became anorexic.
For the group date, they are going to give blood to the red cross. This seems like a terrible idea. Some of that blood ain't clean. And also, the vampire girl is on this date! She's going to go on a feeding frenzy. This is like a bad episode of "True Blood", but I think every episode of "True Blood" is bad.
Fyi: it's crazy how much better looking Michelle, Chantel, and the blonde girl whose fiance died (Emily) are than everyone else.
They're also filming a PSA for the Red Cross. Melissa doesn't want to play the role of the cougar, so she's going to play the role of cougar.
Melissa once again says she quit her job to be here, "for Brad". Um, you didn't know who Brad was 8 years ago.
My friend Alison! Holy crap, my friend Alison is on this show right now. She's a wardrobe person, and she's dressing the girls. I will email her and see if I can get any scoop.
Michelle keeps saying that she's turning 30 today, she thinks that if she keeps saying it will be true.
There's a lot of acting involved on this date. Maybe they promised the hotter girls a showcase if they'd come on the show.
They keep doing takes of Brad kissing the girls over and over again (like previous seasons). Michelle doesn't feel special. You're kidding, you're a super hot girl who doesn't like being on a date with 14 other girls who repeatedly kiss the guy you like? Happy birthday!
Back at the house, the girls hate on Michelle. I can't believe it, I thought they'd absolutely adore her.
Britt is a food writer and a big, big prude. She's the Donna Martin of the show, if you will. Except with a normal face and boobs. Speaking of that, Chantel has huge knockers.
It's funny, just as I make the Donna Martin comparison, Britt decides to go all out and fully make out with Brad in an over the top way to overcompensate for her prudiness. Just like Donna used to do with her slutty outfits.
Michelle mentions that it's her birthday, in case you were wondering.
When I was a young man, in my early '20's, I would've thought going out with a Michelle type of woman would be super awesome. But man, in my old age it looks like a horrific nightmare. Give me an overcompensating plain Jane Britt any day of the week. I thank the Bachelor for that realization.
Chantel says that Michelle "is the type of girl who knows how to get attention from a guy". Using your ridiculously good looks doesn't take a brain surgeon.
Breaking news: it's Michelle's birthday.
Melissa is the early front runner for "Bachelor Pad" breakout star.
I'm warming up to the other Shawntel.
Brad gives the date rose to Michelle, cause apparently it's her birthday or something.
She proceeds to taunt the other girls with it, and they hate her like Steve hated John Sears.
Jackie gets the one on one date. And Brad says he's gonna treat her to a Pretty Woman experience. You mean paying her for sex?
Are there no other movies for this show to mine? Cause they've the done the Pretty Woman thing about 50 times. I'd like to see a "Sleeping with the Enemy" date where Brad makes the girl turn the labels out on everything in the pantry and slaps them if the towels are hung at different lengths.
They record an awkward call between Emily and her daughter. There's crying. If she doesn't win, she might be the next Jason Mesnick. And by that I mean she's a terrible parent.
They go to the Hollywood Bowl. Jackie says she's "heard of this place". It's a concert venue, lady, not the Temple of Doom.
Brad is concerned that Jackie's only been with 2 dudes, but he gives her the rose anyway. Then Train performs, and they sort of dance and it's uncomfortable for everyone - including that lead singer for Train who is way older than I thought he was.
Emily and Brad have a sweet talk, but I just keep thinking about how they immediately need to procreate and I need to watch.
Melissa and Raichel get in a fight about nothing. Melissa is so crazy that she starts crying about it and starts to make vampire girl cry in sympathy.
Pretty funny moment as Brad walks up to Melissa and you can tell that the last thing in the world he wants to do is talk to this bitch. He lets out a sigh, and she goes, things aren't going well, and he's like, oh, okay. I bet Brad wishes it was Chad instead of him right now.
As she's crying, she breaks out into a maniacal laugh about how she ate onions and is afraid she has bad breath. Yikes.
Right before the rose ceremony, Ali and Roberto show up. Ali is wearing an awful dress and her hair is jacked. It's amazing how much time women spend on this stuff and yet get it wrong so often.
Ali and Roberto interview the girls to see which one is best for Brad. The girls hate on Melissa, and Ali and Roberto choose Emily. Duh. Ali can't pick an outfit, but even she can see Emily is the shit. She gets a rose.
There's only one hang up here with Brad and Emily: their future children are going to be slow, twangy talkers.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Only 3 will go home. this is ridiculous.
CHANTEL - a no brainer.
SARAH - she is an old lady. I saw her at one point and was like whose mom is that? Even she can't believe she's getting a rose.
ALLI - I barely remember her, but she has a giant face.
KIMBERLY - forgot about Kimberly, she's all right. I'm good with her.
SHAUNTEL - both Ch/Shauntels are in!
STACY - she has her moments. Sometimes, she's good, other times, I don't recognize her.
ASHLEY S. - no surprise there. She's just as good as the other Ashley, maybe better.
MADISON - the vampire! She's turning into a dark horse, virtually unseen this episode.
LISA - oh wow, she steps out from the back row looking really hot. My bad. She's the one from last episode who was really tan. Now she's just the right amount of tan.
MARISSA - it's a numbers game, she'll be gone next week.
MEGAN - I hate when the ugly girls go "you gave me a heart attack there", uh, you weren't a foregone conclusion, and you'll be eliminated soon enough.
LYNDSAY - the red head, didn't have a line tonight.
BRITT - Donna Martin graduates!
Both Melissa and Raichel are gone. You don't cry at a ceremony and be unattractive and get away with it. Also, the unfortunately named Keltie is gone too. She says that she "may be meant to be alone". Yeah, maybe.
She cries and claims this was probably her last chance at dating. Ha!
Melissa cries too. After this appearance, it might actually be her last chance at dating. And poor Raichel, I blame the unnecessary "i" in her name.
Next week, more acting! Maybe I was right. Also, Brad calls Seal "Mr. Seal".
p.s. I hate Keltie and her stupid jazz hands...