I had to work today, now I'm doing this, but I meant no offense to black people. Although Brad is a noted racist (just kidding, but he does hate non-white women).
Okay, this is supposed to be the "most dramatic/controversial bachelor in the history of this season so far". Someone walks out of the rose ceremony, the smart money is on Michelle - most likely because "dead fiance" Emily is getting too much attention because of her dead fiance.
Although there's a chance it's Madison because Emily's story freaks her out and she wakes up and realizes she's here for the wrong reasons. Let's see...
First date is with Ashley S. and it's one on one. This is the girl who got the first impression rose and has a dead dad. Michelle announces that she "hates" every other girl there. I'm confused: is she there to make friends or not?
Brad takes Ashley to a recording studio, and we know from commercials that another date is making an action movie. Why has every single date had a showbiz component? Is this to entice fame whores? Cause judging by Michelle it's working.
Brad and Ashley are going to sing "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal, which freaks Emily out because her and her dad use to sing that and it was "their song". I'm freaked out that she's freaked out.
They are awful, and Brad apologizes to "Mr. Seal". Then they go to another room and Seal is there and sings for them. Wow. Mr. Seal's career is not going great. And he's got a ton of half good looking/half terrible looking children to support.
Ashley tells Brad that her dad died. Just wait, Brad, you're gonna be hearing about more dead people by the time this show is over. It's gonna be like the god damn Sixth Sense up in this motherfucker.
It's very sad about the dead dad, no doubt. But how would Brad possibly not give her the rose right now? This may be setting a dangerous precedent for smart, desperate ladies with made up dead dads in the future.
And she gets the rose.
Group date. Michelle is pissed cause she hates groups. And sanity. They go to some lame set, and as Brad tells them they are going to film "an action adventure movie", he gets "attacked". A horrible action adventure scene then follows where Brad beats up the bad guys. And it's as bad as it sounds.
Maybe it's Brad who wants to be an actor. Is the bar business in Austin not all it's cracked up to be? If Brad does become an action adventure star, I wonder who they'd be able to get to be his stunt double...fine, I'll say it, Chad!
Back at the house, the date card shows up. Ashley S. retrieves it while in a bikini, and she has crazy fake boobs! Gotta be honest, didn't see that coming.
While shooting the action adventure movie, we discover that Shawntel is a beast! Seriously. She can legitimately kick some ass. Also, she's into "rape kissing", that's where you rape someone with a kiss.
Michelle is out of her fucking mind. But still, I tolerate it because she's good looking and causes she went out with Ian Ziering.
Other Chantel gets Brad alone and starts crying because her lack of Brad time. Chantel says "I don't do this". And Brad says, "neither do I". And just as I'm about to write, "you've done it before!", Brad goes "Well, I've done this once before". You see, this is why Brad is a good Bachelor. Dude is somewhat self aware.
Chantel cries some more, why? Because her dad died too! I think the lesson is clear: single parent households do not work. You wanna keep your kids off of reality shows? Stay alive, it's the only way.
Back at the house, Emily tells the story of her fiance dying. And it is really, really sad. More crying, this time at my house.
Side note: I went out with a girl after her last boyfriend died. Not a good idea.
Michelle gets some alone time, and she cries! Jesus, ladies. That's not what men want to see. Poor, Brad. At least he has an action adventure movie career to look forward to.
Brad totally fulfills our confidence in him and resists Michelle and gives the rose to Shawntel. His therapist must be so proud.
Michelle is not pleased. And she says that she knows in the end it will be her and Brad in Tahiti "practicing making babies". I'm guessing Michelle has had a lot of practice. Somewhere Allen Iverson is going, "practice! she's talkin' about practice!"
Time for Emily's one on one. A girl describes Emily as a tiny Barbie Doll with the soul of Mother Theresa, and you can't really argue that. For their date, Brad has a great surprise for Emily - they're getting on a tiny airplane! That's like taking Sarah Palin on a date to a science museum. Does that make sense? Just go with it.
He's gonna feel real stupid when she tells him the secret.
They go to Napa. Emily tells us that she's scared because guys have shut down when she's told them in the past. See, I go the opposite way. I turn it on and get all loving, and then crush them 6 months later.
Emily is doing a terrible job dodging Brad's questions. I don't think she's ready for this. She is a bumpkin, albeit a hot bumpkin. Also, her teeth are insanely white and perfect. She must do pageants, you know, those very popular single mother pageants.
Finally, she hits him with it. And Brad is like, "can't any of these chicks just be a good time?!" Actually, Brad goes my way with it! He pretends it's the greatest thing he's ever heard. Well played, sir.
So let me get this straight: Brad goes on two one on one dates, and right before he's deciding on the rose each time: both girls cry and tell them about a death. Sounds about right.
Emily is adorable. Hard to know what's beyond the plane crash stuff though.
What the hell? The next day Brad has an impromptu therapy session with his therapist. Bizarre. ABC is basically trying to tell us that anyone who doesn't want to be with Blinky DeAnna has some sort of mental problem. He doesn't need Dr. Drew, he needed someone hotter.
At the pre-final rose ceremony cocktail party. Alli forces Brad to tell her that he's never cheated on anyone before. Then Brad uses his therapy session to apologize to Chantel, and there's a funny camera shot where it pans down to see Brad's hand on Chantel's knee, but really it just looks like a zoom into Chantel's ample bosom. Thank you, Camera A.
Michelle breaks up the Brad/Chantel/boob party. Never go out with an actress, people. They're number one on that list, number two are girls whose last boyfriend died tragically.
Michelle accuses Brad of kissing both Ch/Shawntels. He readily admits to that. And his excuse is that last time he was on the show he was closed off and barely kissed anyone. Uh, let's check the record on that, cause there's no way that's true.
(NOTE: I just went back and looked at my recaps and it turns out: Brad ain't lying! He didn't kiss that many people, mostly it was Jenny and DeAnna and a few sympathy kisses when girls were, yes, crying. This guy is like peeling onions, he makes ladies tear up)
Brad gets Madison alone, and she says she's thinking about leaving. Why? Well, obviously Emily's story blew her mind, and she was only on the show to do that vampire stunt in episode 1, and she can't believe she's still here when she just wanted to get TV time with the fangs.
And now Ashley H. wants to bail too. People are looking at Emily like she's Nazi Germany, there's no point in even trying, just wave the white flag.
Brad makes out with her for the sole reason of making her think she has a chance.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
MICHELLE - say what you will, but she's the only girl who knows how to flirt with him. She flirts like a dude, and it's effective.
CHANTEL - my favorite of the Ch/Shantels.
At this point, Madison just walks off. She doesn't even say anything, even though Brad was pretty cool about telling her to just not accept the rose if she didn't want it.
She cries. And says "I'd have a really hard time taking one of these roses from the other girls..." My theory is totally right. She was just on here for the vampire bit, and had no intention of really being on this show.
She looks like Charlize Theron, if Charlize ate blood and was a liar.
Oh Brad, stop it with the psycho-babble.
LISA - literally did not see her this week. Not once.
JACKIE - she barely had any time either. Michelle and Emily dominated the action, and there was little time left for anyone else.
ASHLEY H. - he had to do it.
MARISSA - it's like we're seeing these girls for the first time.
BRITT - Donna Martin graduates again!
ALLI - she of the gratuitous boob shot.
LINDSAY - sneaky red head two face who is hanging around. But really, aren't all red heads two faces?
MEGAN - unbelievable, she is the least attractive of the bunch by a lot.
STACY - seriously, did not see her the entire episode.
This means that an Irwin favorite, Kimberly has been eliminated. Surprising. Why Megan over her? Or Alli for that matter? That's annoying.
Also eliminated? This 50 year old blonde girl I kept seeing in the background and getting confused by. I have no idea what her name is, but she's awful. She looks like she could be one of Mark Wahlberg's sisters in "The Fighter".
So far, it's all about Chantel and Emily, with Michelle being the obvious wild card.
Holy shit, next week they talk to Dr. Drew! I am good.
I didn't get any good scoop from my wardrobe friend. I apologize for my lack of response on the comments, I'm back in full force from now on. See you there.