Let's get into it...
Michelle has woken up with a black eye. Despite the promos, none of the girls punched her. There's no explanation given, other than it could be "stress". Uh, what? That's not a thing. Ike Turner never even tried to claim that Tina was just stressed out. That's weird. But we'll move on.
Chantel gets the one on one date. Guess what is picking them up? The Bachelor Copter! Oh thank God, it's been an entire episode without a helicopter ride.
They go to Catalina island. And Chantel is the truth. She is top 3 material, and that's only if you count crazy Michelle. The only problem is that she's got that God Damn kid, but then again, Brad is 38, so deal with it.
They are going scuba diving. That water must be freezing cold, I will be looking for nipples. Chantel was very scared to do it, but she says that Brad is "worth it". Really? I don't care if Megan Fox wants to go out with me, I'm not going scuba diving, I'm not getting a dog, nothing. There are just some things no one is worth. But maybe if it were for Brad it would be different.
Interesting to note: they never have one on one dates with someone that Brad is obviously not interested in. For example, Meghan isn't getting a one on one, we all know she's gone at some point, and yet, she's still on the show. It's the process, people.
Michelle claims that if she doesn't get a one on one date, Brad might get "his own black eye". What are you gonna do, stress him out?
Chantel was married for 4 years, and was with the guy for 10 years total. Let's start doing the math on that...yeah, she's damn near 40. So she's the same age as Brad. But I don't care, I like her face. And also, her boobs.
Michelle cries and complains some more, and says she has heart burn. Just imagine, there is a guy somewhere in the world that will actually marry this some day. Poor bastard.
Chantel apologizes for slapping Brad. Well that's helpful.
Brad says "it really is like having a girlfriend, she puts me in check". Cause that's what girlfriends do, they criticize you and bring you down.
I'll say it: Brad and Chantel seem like an actual couple. And strangely, you don't see that too often on this show.
How bummed is Chantel that there's a Shauntel? I was at Von's yesterday, and my checker's name was "Qrystina". I don't know what that has to do with anything, but seriously, Qrystina.
Group date. They go on Loveline. And it's official, Dr. Drew is on every single show. It really says something about TV that a boring psychiatrist could be on this many shows. I guess it's that people who go on reality shows are psychos.
Brad says that these guys on Loveline "solve people's problems about love". Actually, they just talk about STDs.
Emily and Michelle are like White Swan/Black Swan. Maybe Michelle's black eye is from stabbing herself in the face.
Dr. Drew asks if any of them have cheated, and Stacey does the dumbest thing in the world and raises her hand. Brad pretends that he appreciates her honesty, and then plans to not give her a rose. Then Brad pats himself on the back for taking them to Dr. Drew like it was his idea.
Britt starts talking and I don't even recognize her because her hair is covering her crazy ears.
It's weird, Alli has all the elements of a good looking girl, but it doesn't quite add up. Might have something to do with her Chelsea Handler shoulders.
I know the other girls aren't great at bringing the drama, but I'd rather hear from them and not Michelle. Enough already.
Great moment happens: back at the house, the one on one date card comes. It reads "Dear Michelle, let's hang out together". And Michelle is stoked. But then Chantel, dear Chantel, goes "that's weird, all the other date cards had the word love in them". Michelle immediately flips out. That's how you psych your opponent out. Chantel's in her head!
Apparently, Ashley H. annoys the crap out of everyone. She pulls the "until you've had a one on one date with Brad, you don't know how it is" routine.
Britt has emerged as a monster dark horse. And she should. She's cute and sweet and she loves to make out. Ashley H. sneaks up on them, then gets her own time with Brad and completely blows it by being a typical girl. Man, it is really hard to know what someone is really like on a first date. You're up in the Bachelor Copter and all reason goes right out the window.
Brad should've been in that movie "True Grit", because he talks like everyone in "True Grit".
That really tan girl once again gets no time. Does she talk? Was she born without a tongue, Clark?
Brad takes Britt out of the hot tub to give her the rose, and as she steps out her butt almost falls off. I mean, she has no butt. Her bathing suit was sagging off like a gangbanger. She has a non-butt, an un-butt. There is no there there.
Brad comes to pickup Michelle, but first pulls Ashley H. to talk to her about last night. Of course, Michelle doesn't take this well. But what does she take well? Chantel calls her out on her shit and it's awesome. Chantel is in beast mode this episode. She's like Blake Griffin right now.
I'm not sure why Brad is paying so much attention to Ashley either, she's lame. She looks like the girl at the bar who is your backup plan a half hour before closing time.
Brad takes Michelle to his "place" - the mansion the Bachelor has put him up in. Michelle says "this is my style". Really, the multi million dollar mansion is your style? Maybe you should've stuck with Ziering.
But just as she says it, the Bachelor Copter shows up! Isn't she pissed that she's getting sloppy Copter seconds?
They land on a tall building, and they're going to rapel down the side of the building to the pool below. Michelle, you guessed it, freaks out. She's afraid of heights. She's also afraid of being friends with girls and night punching.
This is the reason I couldn't last 2 seconds on this show. The only physical challenge I signed up for is back to back to back nights in the fantasy suite.
I've said it a thousand times: you shouldn't have to risk death for love. Hanging out with Michelle and her magical black eye is risky enough.
For some reason, in mid-rapel, they start making out.
Brad has a habit of jumping into pools fully clothed.
Brad calls her a "mature" woman. Well, she's immature, but she is old, so it is confusing.
Say what you want about Michelle, but she knows how to manipulate men. You can't blame Brad for going for this girl, she is very careful with what she shows him and how she is in front of him. And girl knows how to flirt. She's containing the crazy, but at some point it will reveal itself.
Oh, brother. More therapist time! Brad is like Tony fucking Soprano, except with guilt and quieter breathing.
Is Chris Harrison still on this show?
At the cocktail party, Brad starts babbling some head shrinker mumbo jumbo to the women. He's all about "owning the moment" and shit.
Then he pulls out some champagne and a blanket for alone time with Emily, right in front of the other girls. Not a good idea. Meghan is shocked that Brad is so into Emily. Have you looked at her lately? More importantly, have you looked at you lately?
Predictably, the other girls are pissed. Ladies, Emily didn't get a date, you did. The girls that should be pissed are the girls - Shawntel, for one - who didn't get a date and then didn't get this special treatment. Oh who am I kidding? They're right, they are all just here for second place.
Chantel is ruining her night for me right now. Stop with the crying. Emily's fiance was in a plane crash, understand? Let her have a little picnic right now.
There's a girl on this show who I honest to goodness have never seen before. This is episode 4! She's brunette, and she has not spoken a word. I will find out her name at the rose ceremony.
Chantel gets alone time and calls out Michelle without saying her by name. And then Brad says that he used to date needy girls and he loves that she isn't like that. I'm in love with these two. Her only drawback is that she kinda is DeAnna 2.0. Does it make too much sense?
It feels like they're gonna end up together, and Emily is going to end up being too perfect and not over that fiance. It doesn't seem like she's a real person, or that she's really moved on. We shall see. Emily is fantasyland, Chantel is real life.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
ASHLEY S. - man, I really get the Ashleys confused. But she's the non-annoying one.
ALLI - just a space filler at this point
EMILY - duh.
SHAWNTEL - she gets better every episode
LISA - she seems like she'd be great, if only she had the ability to speak. There's potential here, but Michelle is cutting into her time.
JACKIE - in any other season, she would be solid.
MARISSA - THIS IS HER! Who is she? Did she just show up this episode? This is crazy.
ASHLEY H. - don't know what he sees in her.
This means that the red head, Lindsay, who also has never spoke, is gone. And guess who else? Stacey, the cheater! Yeah, he really respected that honesty.
Meghan is gone as well, thank God. She is not good.
Brad has a weird line that he always uses with the ladies, it's "come here...to me...please".
I have to say, we are down to some pretty good candidates. The only girls that have no business being here are Alli, Marissa (though maybe she's a genius or something), and Ashley H. - I'm not a fan.
Next week, they go to a race track to race cars, and in a shocker, Emily cries. You got your wish, evil Bachelor producers.
My friend emailed me a ranking of the girls after last episode, so here are my own rankings after watching this.
1. Emily (it almost feels like ABC doesn't want Brad to pick her so she can be the next Bachelorette)
2. Chantel (should be #1, but Emily is too fantastic to ignore at this point)
6. Ashley S.