It's weird, there have been some seasons where it's 2 episodes and then hometown visits, and then this one, where it's never ending and there are still like 10 girls left. I can't believe Ashley and Britt are still here. Neither can they.
Luckily, 2 girls go home tonight and then we finally meet some (no doubt, creepy) families.
Hey Britt, the thousand ear rings aren't helping your ear problem.
There will be 3 one on one dates with no rose, and one group date with a rose. The first one on one date is with Emily. I'm sure it will involve flying on a plane and watching Nascar.
And just as I type that, the Bachelor Copter makes an appearance! Usually the Bachelor Copter is only about romance and pure joy, but with Emily it just brings remembrances of dead fiances.
They fly out to a cool little island in the middle of the Caribbean. Brad and Emily have nothing to talk about. Here's an idea: her dead fiance! That's always a great conversation starter for them.
Brad tells her he "cares for her more than he can say", so she lays a smooch on him. They've literally said nothing to each other other than "dead fiance", "plane crash", and "I am physically attracted to you". Which I imagine is probably as deep of a relationship as Brad has ever had.
Emily still doesn't know if she wants Brad to meet her daughter. Sweetie, you've been on 2 dates, it's time.
Brad asks her straight up if he can meet the kid. Emily isn't going for it. She always says how "scared" she is. I have no idea what she is saying right now, is that a yes or a no?
Let's face the facts, everyone: Emily is dumb. Pretty? Yes. A sympathetic figure? No doubt. Really, really pretty? Absolutely. But dumb, dumb, dumb. Or maybe just everyone with a southern accent is dumb. It could just be that.
Brad goes off book! He tells Emily she's getting a rose. Somewhere Chris Harrison is angry: my "this is last rose of the evening" line will have no meaning now! Poor Chris.
Shawntel gets the next one on one. Brad "takes" her on a bike ride. They go to a farmer's market. Shawntel starts "tripping out a little bit because this is, like, my perfect date".
So your perfect date is going to a farmer's market? Go big, Shawntel.
Brad and Shawntel start playing dominos with the local black people. Racist. What's next? Drinking 40's? Where's Dough Boy at?
You can totally tell that the black people are shocked that this white girl is named Shawntel.
Because of all this, Shawntel thinks "this is a man I'd like to marry". Here's to low expectations. You can take the girl out of Chico...
I'll say this, Shawntel is a nice, solid girl. There's nothing too wrong with her - she's attractive, cool, relatively normal - but she just isn't next level shit. Oh, and she is a funeral director from Chico with no dead fiances.
Shawntel tells Brad she's falling in love with him. Weird. They don't seem that close at all.
Brad opens up to Shawntel about his dad and it surprises him. Therapy works! But I seem to remember him talking about his dad to like 10 other girls.
Oh my God, Shawntel just said when he comes to Chico he'll fall in love with it there. Even people in Chico are laughing at that.
When Shawntel and Brad kiss each other, they also like to choke each other. It's a choke kiss. Contrasting that with Michelle, who you just want to choke without the courtesy of a kiss.
Oh snap! During dinner, a concert breaks out featuring the most famous singer in Anguila! I don't even have to tell you who that is, cause he's so famous. Wait, you don't know? Dummies, it's Banky Bank. Yes, the Banky Bank. For realz.
Brad and Shawntel now seem way more like a couple than he and Emily.
The voting has closed and we have an upset: Brad and Shawntel are tied for the worst tattoo ever. You can't call Shawntel's a tramp stamp because stamps aren't the size of a human being's back.
The last one on one goes to...Britt, and she is relieved. Upon hearing the news, here's what Michelle has to say (and her delivery is great. Calm and scary, think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction):
"Brad and Britt are apparently going to be setting sail on the sea of love. But I think there's a good chance, their ship. Will. Go. Down".
Wait, what about the monkeys? Will they eat their faces off? Don't forget about the monkeys.
Britt is the skinniest girl here. You could fit 3 of her into 1 Chantal. Her ears are half her body weight.
Michelle says that not only can she not see them falling in love, she can't even see Brad friending her on facebook. Ooh, social media slams, ouch. Know what's better than Ian Ziering's million dollars? Carlos Boozer's millions of dollars.
Emily's 5 year old daughter has a curvier body than Britt.
Brad is concerned because he doesn't have the urge to grab and kiss Britt. That means you're not a pedophile.
What are they feeding Chantal at this resort?
Brad isn't into Britt at all, which is funny because he's given her a rose the last 5 weeks.
Brad is winding up into his "it's over" speech, and Britt jumps in with "today couldn't have been better". It's really funny, because Brad has to quickly get back on point and he scrambles to do so. He goes, "there is a but coming up"...
Finally, he goes "I don't see a future with you". Man, that is tough. So hard to say that. Props to Brad for laying down the law. Whew, that one made me uncomfortable. Maybe it's because she didn't see it coming, or because she looks like she's 7.
Also, cut your hair. You're not Goldilocks.
Brad told her while they were eating on a yacht and now sends her off on a dinghy! Oh, the dreaded dinghy dump!
Group date. Michelle, Chantal, and Ashley. A rose is on the line. Brad wakes them up at 2am. They don't look happy. Or cute.
They are going to do a photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. The lady in charge asks the girls, "are you ready to feel sexy?" I'm guessing that's a no for Michelle, since she has a zit right between her eyes.
Ashley gets in a bikini and screams "NO BOOBS!". And she is right, she has no boobs.
Chantal says she is feeling like "a fattie" today. And says that she is "regretting eating so much the last couple of days". Ha! I told you! It's those darn island buffets.
Oh, poor Chantal. She is not looking her best. Her face looks good. Her boobs look big. But the tummy is struggling. I think she's expecting.
Michelle brags about her past modeling experience. Her boobs are so fake, you know what's not helping those babies? The 2 giant veins bulging out of them.
Michelle straddles Brad and makes out with him in front of the other girls. Chantal is delighted by this. Actually, she's not.
Brad immediately feels guilty about the kissing. Probably because he knows Chantal is the one and he just blew it. But something tells me he's going to be able to smooth things over. He's probably just bummed about the crying he's going to have to endure.
Ashley complains about feeling like the kid sister around passionate Michelle. You were the one yelling about your tiny boobs in front of Brad. Did you think that was going to help?
Whatever work out and diet program Brad is doing, Chantal needs to do.
Chantal says "I love you" more than I've ever said it in my entire life. Probably says more about me than it does her though.
God damn, Brad is handsome.
There's a growing feeling that Brad might be getting rid of Michelle today. Pretty crazy if Ashley holds on, but he has a weird thing with her. They're setting up a scenario where it's like, Michelle represents the old, "bad" Brad, and the other girls represent the new and improved, commitment Brad. But is he ready to say goodbye to that fun, banging insane broads like Michelle life?
Ashley is behaving like such a shit. I hate her now. More than Michelle. Why does he like her? It makes no sense. So of course he gives her the rose.
He awkwardly has to pick up the rose in front of Michelle and Chantal, and they're not happy. It's funny. But Miss No Boobs is thrilled.
Every imitation of Brad has to end with the word "...please". "Come here to me...please". "Will you come with me...please". "Have faith in the process...please". "Can I sit...please?"
Chantal breaks down. She's like, if you can't choose me out of 3 girls, then let me go home. Brad has to explain how this show works. He's basically saying, "Hey, idiot. I'm giving you a rose later so relax", but she refuses to pick up on it.
This episode is like New Years Eve for Chantal, cause tomorrow she is going to start working out.
Brad tells Chris he doesn't need the cocktail party, he's ready to make his decision.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
It has to be Michelle...
EMILY - true to his word.
SHAWNTEL - just to torture Chantal a little longer.
CHANTAL - ding dong, the bitch is dead.
The question now is, will Michelle boil his bunny? I feel like she's leaving with a whimper. Brad says, in typical Brad fashion: "can I walk you out...please?"
I know no one is a fan of Michelle's, but I'm going to miss her. She was drama, and comedy. And I wanted to check out her family. The show won't be the same without her. As opposed to Ashley, who brings absolutely nothing to the table.
Michelle doesn't say anything. She just gets in the limo. Damn. I wanted to see one last bit of crazy.
Brad, very respectfully, describes why he did it. Namely, the physical attraction would wear off. And he didn't like the way they kept butting heads and her intensity was too much.
Michelle just lies in the limo, not even giving us the satisfaction of tears.
Next week, hometowns...and kids. And there's still 2 Ch/Shantels! Who had that prop bet? None of you!
I've just written 10,000 words, I'd like some comments from you. Let's go...