Previously, I asked you guys to vote for a post I never wrote based on the title, and then I would write the winner. Well, everyone brought up things I wanted to answer in the comments, so instead of picking one, I'm doing it in the form of a mailbag.
Here we go:
Patrick O'Riley (and some others) wrote:
I think I have to vote for "My Friend Won the Amazing Race!" just because I'm curious which season.
And the answer is...Victor, from Amazing Race 14. Victor and I met many years ago in a volleyball league in Santa Monica, and have been friends ever since. We pretty much only play sports together after he gave up inviting me to a karaoke bar every week. We also play tennis occasionally.
He kept very quiet about that whole Amazing Race thing, but as soon as I found out, and the season started, I told him "there is no way that you didn't win". Why? Because Victor wins at everything, except when we play tennis. I kick his ass mercilessly. Just destroy him with no regard for human suffering. Actually, now that I think about it, that's probably why we haven't played in awhile.
But in general, he's extremely competitive and succeeds in everything he does at life, so I was very confident. Oh, and they were in China and he speaks Chinese, so that helped a little too.
I vote for the Bangs one because I hate bangs. I especially hate when some idiot hair stylist gives me bangs no matter how much I hate them and try to aviod them. Dang stylists, they never listen!!!!!!
Obviously, this is a new reader, and unfamiliar with my glorious history of anti-bangs screeds. So I direct you to this, this, this, this, this, and this.
I have no idea what that unwritten bangs post was, but it was probably something similar to those.
Actual whores, please...
Okay, here's how that post went:
Sometimes in the TV comedy business, you do work with porn stars. Porn stars can often be a good punchline for whatever sketch you may be doing. It's key not to over use the porn thing, as many do, but every so often it can work. If for no other reason than it might be shocking and the network will pat you on the back and say you are doing something edgy when usually you're not.
Anyway, I've met a few. And for whatever reason, I follow them on twitter. Some of them are very entertaining, usually because their tweets are exactly what you'd expect a porn star to be up to on a Tuesday afternoon ("met a guy at my hotel, let him drop a load inside me"). This is funny to me, and kinda cool, because I admire anyone who is that into their work.
Others can go totally opposite of what you'd expect and be downright scary ("the jews knew about 9/11 beforehand!").
But one trend that exists has surprised me, although it shouldn't. And that trend is "wish lists".
Many of these girls put together "wish lists" of shit they want on Amazon. Then they constantly tweet to "check out my wish list!". Basically, these girls want their sad sack fans to buy them things.
Oddly, the last thing I expected from whores was true whoring.
Jackie (and others) wrote:
Women be fartin'...
This was when I was going to the gym a lot, and I would always use the elliptical machine (my body can't handle the impact of running or walking or getting out of bed).
The gym was always crowded, and it seemed like it was only ladies on all of the elliptical machines. So every time I did it, I'd be in between women. I don't think I need to go in to too much detail, but let's just say a certain odor would always arise, and I knew it wasn't me.
I was going to try to prove that scientifically elliptical machines cause farting. My theory hit a brick wall however when I discovered I had no scientific expertise and had better things to do.
Many people wrote:
John Hughes is more important than Michael Jackson?
John Hughes and Michael Jackson died around the same time, and I thought the praise and attention heaped on Michael was disproportionate to that heaped on Hughes. Here are my thoughts...
John Hughes passed away today at age 59. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say there won’t be the media coverage or attention that Michael Jackson received when he died. Yet I would argue that John Hughes had a greater impact culturally than Michael Jackson. Unfortunately, he was a writer, overweight, unattractive, couldn’t moonwalk, and had a distaste for the Elephant Man’s bones, hyperbaric chambers, and children ass.
John Hughes is the most prolific, most successful screenwriter of popular movies of the last 40 years, maybe ever. There isn’t even really a close second. Check out the credits:
Home Alone 3 (1997) (written by)
Flubber (1997) (screenplay)
101 Dalmatians (1996) (screenplay)
Miracle on 34th Street (1994) (screenplay)
Baby's Day Out (1994) (written by)
Dennis the Menace (1993) (written by)
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992) (written by)
Beethoven (1992) (written by)
Curly Sue (1991) (written by)
Dutch (1991) (written by)
Career Opportunities (1991) (written by)
Home Alone (1990) (written by)
Christmas Vacation (1989) (written by)
Uncle Buck (1989) (written by)
The Great Outdoors (1988) (written by)
She's Having a Baby (1988) (written by)
Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987) (written by)
Some Kind of Wonderful (1987) (written by)
Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) (written by)
Pretty in Pink (1986) (written by)
Weird Science (1985) (written by)
European Vacation (1985) (screenplay) (story)
The Breakfast Club (1985) (written by)
Sixteen Candles (1984) (written by)
Nate and Hayes (1983) (written by)
Vacation (1983) (screenplay)
Mr. Mom (1983) (written by)
Class Reunion (1982) (written by)
All right, this is debatable but you have 8 classics: Mr. Mom, Vacation, Sixteen Candles, Bueller, Planes, Trains, Christmas Vacation (it somehow became a classic), and Home Alone. Vacation at the beginning and Home Alone at the end is like having 2 Thriller albums bookending your career. Amazing.
And I would argue that people say "Bueller" just as much as they sing "Billie Jean".
At this point, I became unconvinced of my own argument, and bailed. But still, that credit list is nuts.
The Bitter Script Reader says:
You're all insane for not voting for "Back to the Future is Still Insane"...
This was something that I found on the internet, and as I was writing about it, it quickly went around the web and I didn't want to be the last to do it.
In my 500 viewings of the movie, I never noticed this before:
I just don't understand how they thought that movie out so perfectly. It's so hard to get every little thing right in a script, much less make it a great movie, and these guys somehow got even the smallest details down. As fake Miley Cyrus would say, pretty cool.
"any dirt on Joel McHale much appreciated".
Unfortunately, I have no great dirt on Joel, he is truly a good guy. And funny as hell. And dreamy.
A couple people requested:
"What does Alex Trebek love more than anything"
Well, the "true daily doubles" was kinda the whole thing. That's all I had! So I gave up writing it because it was the only joke. But I watch Jeopardy every single night, so I have many thoughts about it, and Wheel of Fortune as well. Actually, many more thoughts about Wheel of Fortune, I don't think people understand how insane that game show is. It makes no sense, the math doesn't add up! I'm gonna have to do a whole post on that.
Some of you voted for:
"Kevin Smith is Sure Proud of Being Fat".
The Kevin Smith post was about that time he got kicked off the plane for being too fat and kept bragging about it. If that had happened to me, I don't think I'd be shouting it from the rooftops. Then again, if I wrote the screenplay for "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" I wouldn't show that to anyone either. So obviously, we are very different people.
Southwest Airlines has a policy that if you can't put both arm rests down, then you need to pay for 2 tickets. He couldn't get both arm rests down. Well guess what, Kevin Smith? Fuck you. You're outta here. You're too fat to fly.
Somehow he became a martyr, which is bullshit, because have you ever sat next to someone like this? Worst flight of your life, unless you have hypothermia and need the flesh on flesh body heat to survive.
Rather than blame the airline, who only has the policy because of complaints from average size people, how about you stop writing the worst movies I've ever seen for 2 seconds and jump on a flatulence inducing elliptical machine?
You get the idea.
There were a couple of votes for "The 10 things I'd wish I could do over again". At some point, I don't know when, I'm going to write that as a full post. But I assure you, "try hot liquids" is not on the list.