A lot of great comments after the first episode. I started to formulate a theory that they chose Ashley because she's guaranteed to marry somebody. They wanted a lock to improve their batting average, and they knew she was it. If you pick someone who is too good, they're not gonna settle down with an idiot from a reality show. If you pick an idiot however...
Anyway, second episode and we're going to...LAS VEGAS!!! Well, at least they're changing up formula and going places they've never been...
William gets the first date with Ashley in Vegas. You may recall, William is the nice guy/Richard Little of the house. He's also a cell phone salesman and 30 years old. If this first date is anything like Ashley's first date with Brad, she will immediately fall in love with him and then pretend her dental career is getting in the way.
I'm already getting the vibe that the problem with William is, "can he stop kidding around and get serious?" The answer? Yes.
I love that the mask guy is still wearing the mask and that he has no sense of humor about the mask whatsoever. He's the frog voice of the season, he's probably already writing song lyrics.
William dresses like Kanye West.
For some reason, this whole date is based on the premise that they are going to get married in Vegas. And William is "scared" that it's actually going to happen. Good Lord. The Bachelorette should never do bits. No one is buying it. This might be a Bachelor low point, and yes, I'm including the Charlie O'Connell season.
I bet Ashley isn't even the cutest dentist from Maine. And Maine's a pretty small, unattractive state with not that many dentists.
They have dinner and some slutty tourist girls yell "we love you, Ashley!". And William goes "so many women love you". And Ashley says "I hope some men love me too". Keep hoping.
William explains that he didn't go to college and is a lowly salesman, but he's always wanted to be a stand up comedian. Oh fuck me. The Bachelor is known to launch comedians, just look at Bob Guiney's career.
Then he talks about his dead dad and the fact that alcoholism runs in his family. He's the whole package, folks.
The editing in this section is poor at best, from what I can gather William's dad was a drunk and got beaten and left on the side of the road and died. I'm sure there's a lot more to that story, but it was probably entertaining so they decided not to air it.
What a coincidence, Ashley's dad is also an alcoholic! Please don't have kids, the roads are dangerous enough as it is.
I like how everyone refers to the mask guy as "Jeff the Mask".
Wanna be annoyed by something? Listen to Ashley's accent. She pronounces today "to-die" and perfect "per-fact". It's like a root canal every time I hear it.
William gets a rose, and for the first time in TV history, the Bellagio fountain is used to punctuate the moment.
When the fountains go off, Williams says "that's for us". Actually, they go off every 15 minutes.
Group date. Too many guys are going on it to name all of them. All I know is that Jeff the Mask isn't there.
Ashley says that William is "a frontrunner at this point". Yeah, he's the only guy you've gone out with so far.
They go to see the Jabbawockeez. Asian guys are the new black guys. Hey! I just realized something, this is the first time an Asian guy has ever appeared on the Bachelorette. It took the Jabbawockeez to get it done. Racism!
Any time you're watching a show and someone says "we need a name for our crew", you need to rethink your life decisions.
2 "crews" battle it out and the Jabbawockeez pick the winner. I'm not sure who wins, but I know Bentley is on the winning team. And that team gets to stay in Vegas and go on a date with Ashley, which involves a dance performance. I hate myself.
Starting to wonder if this whole thing is just Ashley's audition for Dancing with the Stars, or Rick's Cabaret. Either way, I'm not interested. But they are really trying to sell us on her being a great dancer. Yeah, it's great to hear about your dance training, but I'm here to get my wisdom teeth pulled.
Ashley gets alone with Blake and says "I see a lot of myself in you. A lot of dentists have similar personalities". Yeah, they all talk when people are in no position to talk back.
West gets alone time and reveals that his wife died. You come into the house holding that trump card and you know you're at least lasting 4 episodes. You have to give the dead wife a few roses. So I guess that's the silver lining of being a widow at 28.
It's Bentley time. He interviews to us that Ashley has a great butt and great legs, and having her "tickle my pickle" would be great. He said "tickle my pickle". For the record, I don't like it to be tickled. That's not what I'm going for when my pickle is out.
But then he adds, "she's just not my type". This guy is good. He somehow, mostly through using his daughter, has flipped it on Ashley and she begs him to stay. Seriously, begs. Even though she was already told he's there "for the wrong reasons".
Ashley gives Bentley the rose. Not the guy who broke down and told her that his wife died. Nope, the guy who wishes she was Emily.
The second one on one date is decided by the flip of a coin. On one side, it's Mickey. On the other, my pick to win the whole thing, JP. And it lands on Mickey and he gets the date.
Okay, best moment of the episode. They cut to a shot of Jeff the Mask, and he has a sleeping mask on over his regular mask! Double mask!
Do they use the coin flip gimmick throughout their date? Of course they do. And it is tiresome. Even Two Face from Batman is like "knock it off".
Ashley cheers for 5 minutes when Mickey says he's an only child. Oh great, he also has a dead mom. But Ashley says that she "saw strength in his eyes". Didn't George Bush once say that about Vladimir Putin?
Mickey is weird and boring and has nothing interesting to say. Ashley says she wants to flip a coin for the rose. If he was a man, he would've said fuck off. But instead he's like, "that's interesting". So she flips, and he gets the rose, but she claims she was going to give it to him anyway.
Ashley "surprises" Mickey with a performance by Colbie Caillat. I have no idea who that is. She looks like Taylor Dayne with Chelsea Handler's shoulders. Oh no, you know who she looks like? Penny from Lost. And this show's constant is boring.
Cocktail party. JP gets alone time, and guess what he did...flip a coin. Don't make me hate you, JP.
Earlier, I mentioned George Bush, and what do you know? William does his impression and pisses everyone off. Mostly West, but he's been in a surly mood ever since his wife died.
Finally, Jeff the Mask gets his time with Ashley. And his opener is "I once had a brain hemorhhage". And he's also divorced. And wearing mask. He's got it all. At long last, he's about to take it off, show the world his face, and then ...
Some guy interrupts. It's Matt. I have no idea why this stops him from taking off the mask, but it's television so it does. Bizarre.
I'm getting annoyed by Bentley. I enjoy his hating on Ashley, but he's really overdoing it. He's clearly trying to be all Wes with it, and it would be much better if he were a little conflicted. In short, he's trying too hard.
Ashley essentially says that the only reason she has concerns about Bentley is because her friend told her he has no interest in her whatsoever. Well if that's the only reason, then it should be fine.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
WEST - dead wife, works like a charm
CONSTANTINE - didn't say much
RYAN P. - is still gay
BEN C. - didn't have a date, but is a plucky young go getter
NICK - I hate his fake blonde hair and soul patch
AMES - will be gone next week
LUCAS - is so old it's weird, he looks like somebody's uncle who is in the military
JEFF THE MASK - the mask lives! It's working, go get your other mask, double mask it!
JP - he's winning this, why doesn't Vegas have odds?
CHRIS - he looks a lot like Ben C.
BEN F. - I often confuse his hair with Constantine's
BLAKE - dental love
Man, it really feels like there are plants this season. Jeff the mask? He's just like fangs girl. Bentley? That's Michelle. They're just filling slots at this point.
I am usually not a hater. Hell, I do this every season. But I have to say, this was an awful episode. And the 2 hour running time is not helping matters. I hope things pick up...
And just as I write that, they tease next and show a roast of Ashley! And the joke they show is William saying "I signed up hoping it was going to be Emily or Chantal". And it makes Ashley cry. Also making Ashley cry, Bentley.
Also, the mask guy swims with his mask! And vacuums.