9. The Laura Davison Non-Incident
It was the Homecoming Dance, junior year of high school, and I knew who I was going to ask. Laura Davison. We weren't a couple, heck, we were barely speaking due to the fact that we had no classes together. But there had been some intimate moments at school. Well, maybe they weren't intimate, but I was interpreting an occasional look in my direction as her professing her undying love.
Let's back up for a second, because this wasn't completely made up in my head. Freshman year. She asked me to the Sadie Hawkins dance. We went, had an okay time, nothing special. It was my fault, I just didn't know what to do. Oh, and did I mention the fact that she was a foot taller than me?
Yeah, that didn't help matters. But now it was two years later, and I had grown to about Seth Green's height and she had maxed out. We were now seeing eye to eye - I was suddenly almost a man and she had blossomed into womanhood (re: boobies). Our time was here.
I decided on the day I would ask her and would not be deterred. This was a big deal because I generally have difficulty talking to people.
I nervously searched for her on D Day but couldn't find her. She wasn't at school for some reason. It would have to wait 'till tomorrow.
Tomorrow came and once again, she wasn't there. What the hell?
A third day, still no Laura. This was really putting a crimp in my plans. Wasn't anybody worried? She might be kidnapped. But there was no Amber Alert back then, a kid went missing and you just went about your day.
This is very typically for me though. I don't ask questions. Like it was normal that a classmate just stopped coming to school. After 4 days, I broke down and inquired with her friends. That's when I learned the truth:
Laura had been in a car accident. She went to the eye doctor, and her eyes were all jacked up and she crashed. She wasn't hurt too badly, but she was skipping some school and recovering at home.
Unfortunately for me, some Asian kid (my school was about 60 percent Asian) who also had his eye on Laura did ask questions. And he seemed to find out about Laura's crash right as it happened. He seized the initiative (as Asians are wont to do) and visited Laura at her house every day.
He'd go after school and bring her the homework she needed, along with gifts, I assume. He outworked me! He was all over her, and concluded this attention showering by asking her to the dance. And Laura, wounded from the accident and possibly drugged out of her mind said yes.
I was crushed. And I decided right then and there, I wasn't going to the dance.
But my best friend had other plans. You see, he was moving to Arizona the week after the dance. In fact, his mom had already moved, and he was living at my house while finishing out the semester.
He gave me his best "wolfpack" speech about how this was our last time together, a big event, and he wanted me to double date as our last hurrah before he deserted me.
He wouldn't take no for an answer. But who would I ask? I asked. Well, he said, there is someone.
This someone was a girl I had previously been in love with for many years. However, I had moved on. Of course, my moving on only happened after she ignored me and moved on to dating a college dude. And this college dude was away at college, so she wasn't going to the dance either.
"Just ask her as a friend, tell her about how I'm moving and it's our last hurrah together". I'm telling you, he really poured it on with that hurrah bullshit.
I hated doing it. I knew she'd think it was about me loving her. But I bit the bullet. And after about 20 minutes of assuring her that it was just a friendship thing and I had no interest in fucking her, she said yes.
The four of us (my buddy and his date) drove out to San Francisco for dinner. I remember Wrecks N Effect's "Rumpshaker" had just came out and they literally played it 6 times during our drive.
We ate an Italian restaurant, and I had to embarrass myself by ordering "spaghetti with no sauce". One of many food related humiliations that were to come in my life.
Then we drove back over the bridge for the dance. I wasn't the rumpshaker I am now, but I did my thing. Then a slow song came on. We awkwardly put our arms on each other's waist and stepped once to one side, then once to another. You know the drill.
My head was right at her shoulder (that height thing again). And we danced, I can even tell you the song: PM Dawn's "I'd Die Without You" (from the amazing Boomerang soundtrack). I remember it so well because that's when I saw her:
Staring at me, not 5 feet away, while dancing with her Asian Florence Nightingale, was Laura Davison. I mean, she was really staring at me. So much so that I completely pussied out and looked away. Then I looked back again, and held it as long as I could before my balls shrunk into my stomach from fright.
It was a fucking moment.
The song ended. Other things happened. And then Laura and the girl she was double dating with came up to me, excitedly. It seems the Asian dudes they were with wanted to go back to their house and they were completely not interested. They wanted to know what we were up to. I said, "we're going back to my place". And they said, "can we all come there instead?" Hell yeah you can come!
Our foursome went back to my place, and I eagerly awaited Laura and her crew showing up. But in the meantime...
My parents had a hot tub. And somehow my buddy and I convinced our dates that getting in was a terrific idea. I did this shit before you, Situation and Paulie D!
We must have planned this out early because the girls had bikinis. And let me tell you something: when the girl I had been in love with disrobed, all of the air went out of my body. I've never had that happen before. Her body was ridiculous. It was that stage of life where girl's really shouldn't have that kind of body, but they sometimes do. And I had never seen one in person.
Of course, she had no interest in me. So I just sat in that hot tub trying to steal glances at a body that I wouldn't know what to do with even if she threw it at me.
We got out, and my girl was ready to go home. And then Laura and her friend and their Asians' car pulled up. They were here. At my house.
They came in, and Laura walked over to me and said: "Do you have a shirt I could borrow?" Hell yeah I did!
We went upstairs to my room, just the two of us (where in the hell were my parents? I have no idea). I went to the drawer and got a shirt and turned to her. She was giving me that look again. There was an amazing silence. It was about to happen. We moved closer...
And then her friend walked in.
She wanted a shirt too. Moment over.
We went downstairs and the 8 of us watched "Boyz 'N the Hood", and then everyone left.
The next week at school I did my best to run into Laura, but it never really happened. Our paths were just not crossing. Weeks went by, and I got no traction. Then I heard she was dating some water polo playing asshole at our rival high school.
It was over.
So that's another one I'd do over again. First, I wouldn't look away during that slow dance. And second, I'd kick that friend out of my room and take Laura to pound town. Although back then, it probably would've just been heavy petting town.
Laura, if you ever read this and don't remember it this way at all, please don't tell me. It's the only thing that makes PM Dawn listenable to me these days.