Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 7

Man, a week off? They've never given me a vacation before, and with this season, it is much appreciated. But I'm feeling rusty...

This episode will also include an interview with Emily. So even when the guy's aren't wishing they were with Emily, the network was wishing they had picked Emily.

We head to Taiwan. Or as Ames calls it, "the last stop on my fuck Asian boys tour". And the rust is off!

There are 6 guys left, Ashley will get rid of 2, and next week she goes to their hometowns. That's where Ashley meets their parents and their parents say "oh, we thought you were gonna be Emily...or at least have breasts".

Constantine gets the first one on one, which is a nice consolation prize after he lost Wimbledon last week.

They get on a train and head to a little village that is having a "lantern festival". I guess that's the kind of stuff you do when you don't have flat screen TVs and real entertainment.

The tone of this date is interesting - it feels like Constantine is the bachelor and Ashley is trying to impress him. He seems very skeptical of her and not that interested. This hasn't happened before, even when the bachelorette was that awful, awful Jillian.

Also, with the impending Emily interview cutting into the 2nd hour, you can feel that all the crappy padding that's usually in here has been removed. We are witnessing how much better this show would be if it were an hour.

The second one on one is with Ben F. I forgot that Ben is the guy who claims he is a "winemaker". That's funny cause last night I was trying to decide between the Coppola Merlot, or the Ben F. Cabernet SauFull of Shit.

They go for a scooter ride. It looks like a scene from Dumb and Dumber, with Ashley's bangs being just as terrible as Lloyd Christmas'.

They have dinner, and Ben tells us that he's in love but waiting to tell Ashley "when the time is right". Ashley comments on the wine, and Ben snobs it up. Nothing like getting lectured about fermenting from a glorified secretary who picked a grape once.

Ben goes on a long thing about how right everything feels, and Ashley just nods with a blank look on her face. She couldn't look less interested. Maybe she's thinking, "why am I on another date with Constantine?"

They seal it with an extremely long peck. I kiss my mom more passionately than that.

And whoa! Ashley says she "might be falling in love with Ben". Really? I don't see that at all.

The next morning, the guys back at the hotel realize that Ben has not come home. He spent the night with Ashley...and JP is pissed! Go with that feeling, JP.

Group date - JP, Ames, and Lucas. They are going to take wedding photos with Ashley. They have to put on traditional Taiwanese outfits of some kind, and Lucas comes out in a kimono. Ames comes out in a very gay suit, which JP describes as being a cross between Elton John...and well, that's all you need to know. Elton John. I love how the producers are totally trying to make Ames even gayer.

Poor JP. He thought the show was over last episode, not realizing that there's a TV show to produce here. He doesn't like sharing her...which is interesting because he went on a show where the whole point is to share her.

Lucas gets alone time. It's hard to get a read on this guy, but when he's alone with Ashley he knows what to say. I guess he just looks awkward and old.

Ames gets alone time, and it appears that he is wearing pink pants. We can't blame anyone else for that, he picked those out on his own.

JP is starting to lose it. Only someone that really liked Ashley could act like this. I guess that's the good news and the bad news.

To ease his fears, Ashley gives him the rose. Calm the fuck down, JP, you're locked in. At the end of the day, Ashley is just looking for someone who she'll actually believe really likes her.

Ryan gets the final one on one date, and he is pumped because it's his first one on one, and also because he gets pumped about everything. Ashley tells us all the things that make Ryan so wonderful, and then drops "but is there a connection there?" No, there isn't.

Ryan, while looking like Don Johnson circa 1984, tells us about how he yearns.

Ashley hates Ryan.

She's like Phoebe on "Friends", when Phoebe went out with the crazy energy/positivity Alec Baldwin character, and realizes that he's the worst. Ryan even says, "I feel like I'm on cloud 10". Cloud 10! That's one more than 9!

Quick quiz: Who said the following thing, Alec Baldwin on Friends or Ryan?

"I'm sorry if I put a good spin on everything. It's who I am, I'm a positive person."

The answer? Well it's a trick question, cause they both said it.

Finally, Ashley cannot take his positive shit anymore, and dumps him right there. Sorry pal, you don't even get the dignity of a rose ceremony. She cries, he looks like he's gonna cry. He is genuinely stunned, it's an amazing reaction. "How can anyone not want to meet my family?!"

Maybe you would've seen it coming if you weren't talking about water heaters for a half hour.

Ryan can't even get through his exit interview and has to walk away to weep and curse. Hey man, at least you have perfect hair.

Sort of feels like Ryan is acting. No one can be this God damn lame.

They make Ryan stand on the sidewalk in front of a giant heart and hail a cab. Sorry you just got your heart ripped out, but we really need this shot.

Back at the hotel, Chris tells the guys there will be no cocktail party because Ashley has made her decision. I wish Chris would've fucked with them and said "Bentley is in Taiwan..." They would've lost their minds.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Holy crap, there's a creepy shot of Ashley walking on a bridge behind the guys as they wait to get roses. That might've been the strangest camera shot in Bachelor history!

CONSTANTINE - that's a bit of a shocker. Things aren't looking good for Lucas, all of the sudden.

BEN - She picks Constantine and then Ben? That's just like Marcus and Markieff Morris going back to back in the NBA draft

Lucas or Ames? It has to be Lucas.

AMES - well, this isn't the first time Ames as gotten lucky in Asia

And I was just coming around on Lucas, shows how much I know. Then again, Ashley always does the opposite of what is right.

Ashley: "I didn't know there'd be this much pressure!" Um, you did this show already. If anyone should know it's you, retard.

Prediction: JP vs. Ben at the end, with Ryan coming back and wanting another chance even though she hates him.

That's the end of the real show. Now it's time for...

THE INTERVIEW WITH EMILY

I'm not gonna go through all of this, but I guess they're trying to repeat the success they had with the Jake/Vienna showdown. Only one problem: Brad isn't here. The reason? Well, this show never helps him in anyway.

Emily is immediately crying for no reason. I do not trust this woman.

Oh, fuck me, now Emily is using "dot dot dot"! Ashley is ruining everything. She's a menace.

Emily says they've broken up, and is completely vague about the whole thing. We get no answers. Though it appears Emily has aged about 5 years since we last saw her.

Maybe they're just trying to keep her on our radar for the next Bachelorette, because that would be a win win for all of us.

Next week: hometown visits, and we find someone who looks more alike than Ben and Constantine, and that's Ben and his mom. If you switch their hair you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

Goodnight.