Nothing can quite annoy me as much as a big money spec sale. I should probably be happy that studios are doling out big piles of cash for scripts. But no, instead I like to turn my anger on the writer who sold it. It's a grand tradition, that usually peaks when the Black List comes out.
Well, there's one I just read about that made me especially angry so I thought I would share it with the group.
Yesterday a lady writer sold a script to Fox for a million bucks. The title?
"He's Fucking Perfect"
I hate it already. Putting a swear word in your title is the hackiest shit in the world, and of course, assures you a spot on the Black List. So obnoxious. Every script I write now is gonna be entitled "Piece of Shit, Motherfucker". I have to assume that any writer with a bad case of Tourrette's syndrome can get rich.
But let's get on to the details, surely the premise will completely redeem this...
He’s F***ing Perfect is the story of one woman who regularly Facebook-stalks the men her friends are dating, acting as a vetting device for them to weed out losers. Things take a turn when she gets a friend to dump her new guy in order for the woman to steal the man for herself, because in her search she found him to be “f***ing perfect.”
First of all, any movie involving Facebook automatically sucks. That's not cinematic. Plus, it's COMPLETELY MADE UP. No one does this. There is no one in the world who uses Facebook to vet dates for their friends. People just do it themselves. No one is embarrassing enough to hire their buddy to do it for them. What a bullshit gimmick.
Secondly, I guarantee you that Kate Hudson will love this script. There's no way she isn't starring in this garbage. I think they forward scripts like this right to her house.
Another thing that bothers me about this premise is the protagonist. I keep getting told by agents and executives that the movie going audience doesn't want an "unlikeable protagonist".
That's only half right. What they don't like are protagonists like this one. The girl who will do anything to get a man. The girl who screws her friends over for a date, even though she looks like Kate Hudson. The girl who does awful things for 80 percent of the movie, then does the right thing one time at the end and expects us all to love her.
That's what we hate! And we also hate Kate Hudson or Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Garner or any other girl who would be perfect for this.
What we all enjoy is a protagonist who is just all bad and doesn't want us to love her/him. You know, like Tony Soprano, or the millions of other characters that have worked on television for the last 15 years.
The audience doesn't want an unlikeable protagonist if that protagonist is SUPPOSED to be likable. Get the difference?
Now, you may have noticed that I specifically mentioned that this writer is a lady. I pointed that out because I just wanted all of you women out there to know who is writing this shit. It's you. Sure, men write misogynist/women will do commit acts of evil just to score a man crap all the time. But you do it too.
Finally, you might be asking: what are this woman's credits? Maybe she has a giant track record and that's what really got her the cash for this questionable premise.
Well, I'm glad I made up that you asked. Because this woman has zero credits. That is, zero credits as a writer. But she does have a credit as something else...
She's Adam Mckay's assistant.
She was so good at getting that genius his coffee and answering his phone calls, that some of his genius rubbed off on her. Makes perfect sense.
And this is why when anyone asks me about "getting into the business", I tell them to be an assistant. If you get the right assistant job, it almost won't even matter what you write.
We have some script readers who occasionally read this blog now. If any of them are out there, have you read this script and is it as bad as I think it is?
Thanks.
12 comments:
We could never hate Jennifer Garner.
I doubt that it was getting his coffee and answering his phone calls that was the cause of his genius rubbing off on her. I think that it was probably his rubbing her off that made her millions.
After all, it's not what you know...it's who you blow.
I've read it. I'll remain anonymous since I don't want to get fired. It's very bad teacher-esque, and despite being funny and a decent story, I wrote myself an email immediately upon finishing about how I wanted to write a blog post exactly like this one. Looks like you beat me to it. Here's what I jotted down to myself after I read the script: "Weird how there are a lot of movies these days with females leads who are very anti-hero-ish, but all in the same way. i call it anti-femitism. Instead of women "being the better man" if you will, holding their ground and saying, you know what, we are better than you men, because we don't get shit faced and act retarded, and don't go out and get fucked by whatever cute guy wants to put his dick in us even though we can. No, instead, and the fact that they sell is the scary part, because it is sympathizing with the current trend, which is a, "if they can do that than so can we, and you will still like us". so you have these girls being complete whores and making bad decisions but then glorifying them in the end even though in reality the mistakes they make are beyond okay. And it makes our generation of women feel better, to say, oh, if she could fuck around and get fucked and still end up with mr. right, then i can too".
I mean I can see why the script is "hot" and it's funny and fresh, but I couldn't help but want to stab the protagonist in the face the whole time for being an archetype for modern women.
Feminism*
Hack, I really enjoyed the post, and I totally get your reaction, and I have those reactions sometimes, too - but...
I'm happy to hear that a chick had her first big comedy script sale. I hope it's a good script and will make a great movie. It makes it a little easier for comedy chick writers everywhere. I don't think you can always judge a script by its logline. Maybe it sucks, but maybe not. Maybe she legitimately worked hard and is a good writer, maybe not. Did all the male assistants who sold scripts suck in more ways than one? And it doesn't sound like a Kate Hudson vehicle at all.
Save your anger for a dude selling a script with a boring logline about a womanizer, a male teen who wants to get laid, an ex-marine who must single handedly stop terrorists and save the world, a bank robbery gone bad, blah, blah blah.
To the anonymous poster who read the script and said the story was decent and it was funny - do you really think women are mentally handicapped children who would watch a bad lady in a movie and think that they will change their whole personality to be just like her? No offense, but that is ludicrous.
There are good people and bad people in the world. There are good and bad male protagonists in scripts. There are good and bad scripts. Why can't female protagonists be evil whores? IF the script is good and it works, why can't you just be entertained, you know, like you would be with an evil man-whore as the protagonist?
I think the title of my next script will be "She'll Fuck Anything". I do so want to end up on the Black List someday. ; )
cshel:
I agree, I don't at all doubt the mental capacity of genders, I'm not some sexist asshole if I came off that way. The little blurb i wrote was a little rant i wrote to myself as stream of conscious. Me just more thinking about how writers are responsible for their characters. And if it makes you feel better, i would NOT root for an evil man-whore as a protagonist either. The thing about the protagonist that I didn't like, and it is not a gender thing, it's sad that there are scripts with men in the same position, is that they aren't a sympathetic person with flaws. It's like "hack" said, there is literally nothing redeeming about this girl until 90% through the film, and even then, I don't think it was very much of a redemption. It's frustrating to be forced to root for morally corrupt people (different than flawed protagonists), and in the end have the story reward those people. That's all I'm saying. Sorry for turning it into a gender thing. I don't think a protag has to be a great person to root for them, but there has to be something there. I'm sure they will bring this up in development. The story, the writing, the jokes, all funny, which is great, but no one wants to watch a movie about someone not worth rooting for.
How is this protagonist different than Overboard's Joanna Staten, the spoiled selfish heiress who is transformed by the love of a good man? Isn't the love a good man what this character is seeking?
Still, this girl sounds like a crappy friend, and I find it hard to believe the screenwriter has any female friends . No woman wants to hear what is wrong with the new guy they are seeing and will usually blame the messenger, not thank her. (This is true even if the guy is married.) Also, I think Jen Garner and Kate Hudson are too old for these shenanigans but it might be a vehicle for Abby Elliot?
i'm gonna do a follow up to this post and address some of these comments. really enjoyed them, thanks.
Hey Irwin,
I just wanted to add that I agree with you about not trying to force a last minute redemption on an unsympathetic protagonist, and instead just letting them remain unsympathetic. Either way, it does take writing talent to pull it off successfully. The unsympathetic character has to be interesting and entertaining. Or, the late redemption has to be believable. Unless it's a web redemption, in which case it just has to be funny. : )
I really liked "Crazy, Stupid, Love", and it wasn't the protag, but I was annoyed by the instant turnaround of the Gosling character. He meets a hot young girl who is feisty and talks and stuff, and literally overnight, he's not a cold-hearted womanizer anymore. He just needed the love of a good, very young woman who asked him about his mother. : )
To me, about 90 percent of male protagonists in Hollywood movies are unlikeable. They're arrogant (especially if Tom Cruise is starring), stupid, juvenile, or stoned. They often treat women badly until the very end of the movie. And yet male audiences love them.
You male screenwriters get something like 93 percent of all produced scripts. Do you really have to be this petty when a woman defies the odds?
so you're saying that i should treat women differently and tell them they're great even when they're not?
i guess i just like treating everyone equally.
This blog is mind blowing. I have to admit at first I thought it didn't have anything interesting to offer, but after read some posts my opinion changed radically.
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