Nothing can quite annoy me as much as a big money spec sale. I should probably be happy that studios are doling out big piles of cash for scripts. But no, instead I like to turn my anger on the writer who sold it. It's a grand tradition, that usually peaks when the Black List comes out.
Well, there's one I just read about that made me especially angry so I thought I would share it with the group.
Yesterday a lady writer sold a script to Fox for a million bucks. The title?
"He's Fucking Perfect"
I hate it already. Putting a swear word in your title is the hackiest shit in the world, and of course, assures you a spot on the Black List. So obnoxious. Every script I write now is gonna be entitled "Piece of Shit, Motherfucker". I have to assume that any writer with a bad case of Tourrette's syndrome can get rich.
But let's get on to the details, surely the premise will completely redeem this...
He’s F***ing Perfect is the story of one woman who regularly Facebook-stalks the men her friends are dating, acting as a vetting device for them to weed out losers. Things take a turn when she gets a friend to dump her new guy in order for the woman to steal the man for herself, because in her search she found him to be “f***ing perfect.”
First of all, any movie involving Facebook automatically sucks. That's not cinematic. Plus, it's COMPLETELY MADE UP. No one does this. There is no one in the world who uses Facebook to vet dates for their friends. People just do it themselves. No one is embarrassing enough to hire their buddy to do it for them. What a bullshit gimmick.
Secondly, I guarantee you that Kate Hudson will love this script. There's no way she isn't starring in this garbage. I think they forward scripts like this right to her house.
Another thing that bothers me about this premise is the protagonist. I keep getting told by agents and executives that the movie going audience doesn't want an "unlikeable protagonist".
That's only half right. What they don't like are protagonists like this one. The girl who will do anything to get a man. The girl who screws her friends over for a date, even though she looks like Kate Hudson. The girl who does awful things for 80 percent of the movie, then does the right thing one time at the end and expects us all to love her.
That's what we hate! And we also hate Kate Hudson or Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Garner or any other girl who would be perfect for this.
What we all enjoy is a protagonist who is just all bad and doesn't want us to love her/him. You know, like Tony Soprano, or the millions of other characters that have worked on television for the last 15 years.
The audience doesn't want an unlikeable protagonist if that protagonist is SUPPOSED to be likable. Get the difference?
Now, you may have noticed that I specifically mentioned that this writer is a lady. I pointed that out because I just wanted all of you women out there to know who is writing this shit. It's you. Sure, men write misogynist/women will do commit acts of evil just to score a man crap all the time. But you do it too.
Finally, you might be asking: what are this woman's credits? Maybe she has a giant track record and that's what really got her the cash for this questionable premise.
Well, I'm glad I made up that you asked. Because this woman has zero credits. That is, zero credits as a writer. But she does have a credit as something else...
She's Adam Mckay's assistant.
She was so good at getting that genius his coffee and answering his phone calls, that some of his genius rubbed off on her. Makes perfect sense.
And this is why when anyone asks me about "getting into the business", I tell them to be an assistant. If you get the right assistant job, it almost won't even matter what you write.
We have some script readers who occasionally read this blog now. If any of them are out there, have you read this script and is it as bad as I think it is?