On my birthday every year, a group of my friends gather in San Diego and we play beach sports. This year, one my friends arrived and he looked like his body had been transformed. He was never in bad shape, but suddenly he had muscles.
He immediately asked me if there was anything to eat - he had just driven 2 hours - and I looked around. There was a box of Klondike bars in the freezer, and we each pulled one out and had one. It was delicious.
Not too long after that, he wanted another one. And since it was my birthday, I said what the hell and had one too.
Then we started in on some chips and salsa...
The next day, he didn't want anything. And that's when I found out that he's on a diet. Yesterday was his CHEAT DAY.
Here's the thing, yesterday was not my cheat day, it was just Friday. So while this maniac is eating nothing but egg whites, black beans, chicken, and more black beans 6 days a week and then taking 1 day to eat whatever he wants, I'm in for 2 Klondike bars any time I feel like it. His cheat day was my day.
At the time, he had been doing this diet for 7 months, and gone from a size 34 waist to a size 29 and lost a bunch of weight. He's still doing it 6 months later. I went over to his house recently and he opened up a cabinet to reveal cans of beans as far as the eye could see. The man must play symphonies out of his ass, but hey, it works.
I was intrigued by this diet because I wanted to start eating a little better and get back to my fighting weight. For the first 22 years of my life, gaining weight was a problem. I was always tiny. But once I started working for a living it went all down hill. And by down hill I mean to my gut.
I'm 5'10" (5'9" if you are accurately measuring). I used to hang out in the 160 pound neighborhood. In my steady working days, I'm now 175.
He told me all about his routine and it sounded awful. My issues with food are well known around these parts. I don't eat black beans. And I really don't eat egg whites, so that was out. And his cockamamie diet doesn't include fruit. At all. Fruit! This was everything I was against. A life without peaches is a life I don't want to live.
For many months, I contemplated what could be done. I don't enjoy trying new things. My two biggest issues were:
As I said, I don't eat eggs. I don't drink milk. I don't eat oatmeal. I don't like anything other than white bread. I don't like water.
Something had to be done. So I decided to turn my weakness into a strength. I decided to go all fruit with it! All fruit, all the time. Nothing but fruit. No one ever got fat just eating fruit. And there's no opposite of scurvy.
And best of all, I was willing to sacrifice one thing. I'd drink water. No more Cokes, delicious Sunkist, or even glorious, glorious Lemonade. Just water.
For a week I went on an all peach diet. All peaches all the time. Also, grapes and strawberries and apples. Throw in some chicken or steak and that was every meal.
This was a bad idea. For the first time in my life, I almost got sick of fruit. The horror!
A change was needed. So I bought a book called "Eat This, Not That!". It's very simple. And the best part about it is it takes stuff that's in every Supermarket and tells you what's healthy and what's not.
The big change came with English Muffins. I used to eat normal English Muffins, but the book said the best kind you could eat was Light Whole Grain. I tried it and it wasn't the worst thing in the world, so that's what I eat now.
For my pooping needs, I got a cinnamon fiber cereal the book suggested, and I'm able to throw a few spoon fulls of that down with no milk.
Spaghetti lunches are gone. So is my precious white rice. And bread. I'm a chicken and vegetable man. Lots of carrots and broccoli. And salads.
And I don't give myself any cheat days. I cheated for the last 10 years.
The two things I couldn't quit were Wishbone Italian and Kraft BBQ sauce. I don't give a shit, I need those bad boys just to wash things down.
To be honest, I haven't changed what I eat that much, as my diet was fairly retarded to begin with. But the toughest thing is still the water. I don't like it. I need a flavorful beverage. And I can't do diet. It's a no win situation, people. I'm sticking it out with water for now, and the peeing 15 times a day that comes with it.
But that's actually another helpful thing, because in addition to the eating I'm also exercising, which includes piss ups.
If you watch my show, you know that piss ups are just a healthy way to live. It's very simple, every time you pee, you do 10 pushups. With all this water running right through me, I'm turning into Herschel God Damn Walker.
10 pounds have been lost. It's been a month, if it lasts another I'll be shocked. It's totally not worth it.