Before we begin, let me complain some more about the choice of Ben as the Bachelor:
The show is stuck in a horrible pattern. Every season they are feeding us these rejects. Look dummies, it's a given that the public will feel sympathy for the person who is dumped during the season before, but that does not mean we want them to be the next Bachelor. We feel bad, yes, but in our hearts we know that those people are damaged goods. The Bachelor should be a rock star. The type that men want to be and women want to be with!
The American people don't know what they want, and they definitely don't know what is good for them. Tell us who is awesome, and we'll probably follow. Create stars, don't recycle people who weren't good enough to be stars in the first place. This guy got rejected by Ashley! Do you understand...Ashley!
Okay, on with the show...
I'm already getting ready for scenes of Ben with his shirt off to try and convince us that he's appealing. Ben has moved back to San Francisco. Wait, what about "his" "winery"? Oh, he tells us he goes to Sonoma 4 or 5 days of the week building the winery. I have no idea what that means and I'm sure it's a lie. Pretty sure he works at Starbucks.
Look, there's Ben on a tractor. There's Ben carrying a 2x4. There's Ben standing on a porch. There's Ben walking through the winery. This all takes place with his shirt on, that probably means he doesn't have the goods underneath.
Ben: "I've never juggled 25 women". You haven't been with 25 women combined in your life, shut up. The only thing you're juggling are the lies about your winery business.
Wait, topless Ben on a kayak! Hard to tell, but the abs weren't encouraging. Let's just have it be Brad every season. His body never disappoints.
Because this is a 2 hour show, they fill time by pre-introducing us to a few of the girls before the official limo meet and greet. The only promising thing is how crazy they spell their names.
I love how they do these stereotypes for the professions - the nurse is in scrubs holding a baby, the blogger in New York is sipping wine outside while typing on her laptop, the business lady is staring at stock quotes and ordering someone to buy and sell, and of course the girl from Texas is riding a bull. All they are missing is the slut turning tricks at the Cat House.
Hard to listen to Ben without falling asleep, but what keeps me awake is staring at his nose and trying to understand how fucked up it is. Sometimes it looks normal, then he makes a face and suddenly he turns into a dragon.
Finally, it's limo time. Let's officially meet the gals...
RACHEL, 27. A blonde, milf type from New York. She has bangs, but they don't bother me as much as normal. But let's give it time. I should mention that she's taller than Ben.
ERIKA, 23. A law student, who looks good from afar but is far from good. She tells Ben he is guilty of being sexy. Leave it to a future lawyer to lie to his face.
AMBER B. 23. A nurse from Canada with giant boobs. She has too much personality for her own good. Settle down, this isn't SCTV (Canada jokes!).
ELYSE, 24. A dark haired personal trainer. She seems like a perfectly nondescript average girl. We might have a match.
JENNA, 27. The blogger/Carrie Bradshaw wannabe from New York. I don't know if she's really tan or part black. She embarrasses herself and misquotes Ben from last season. They make it seem as awkward as possible. Guess that's why she's a blogger.
You know you've picked the wrong Bachelor when the limos pull up and the girls scream in excitement and can only say words like "cute" and "adorable". You won't hear the word "hot" used in reference to Ben.
COURTNEY, 28. A model from Santa Monica. She's actually good looking enough to be a model. She's very comfortable with herself, which is nice to see. But she should be, she's pretty.
EMILY, 29. A PHD student with awful hair. I mean, awful. I didn't know they gave out PHD's in trailer parks.
SAMANTHA, 26. She's wearing a sash cause she was Miss Pacific Palisades. There's a chance she's just a psycho who got a sash printed up.
CASEY S, 26. She's taller than Ben too. Sort of pretty, probably the best blonde thus far.
AMBER T, 29. Hmmm, another 29 year old. What a shock.
HOLLY, 34. 34! I'm sure that's not gonna come up with the other girls at all. She's wearing a giant hat, not sure why. Maybe it's because she's bald from being so damn old.
JAMIE, 25. Another nurse. Her teeth are insane. Maybe Ashley did them for her.
SHIRA, NO AGE GIVEN?! That's not suspicious at all. Love it. She's an "actress". I'm frightened.
BLAKELY, 34. Her occupation: VIP Cocktail waitress from Charlotte. And did I mention she's 34? Wow. Someone is looking for a man to save her ass, I can't believe none of those VIPs in North Carolina she serves drinks to ever stole her heart.
It's bit time:
SHERYL, 72. The old lady on crutches who you've seen in the promos. Maybe she's there to make the two 34 year olds look a little less old. But it's not what you think, she introduces Ben to her granddaughter, who is:
BRITTNEY, 26. A slightly chubby blonde. What a hilarious gimmick, but I guess if you can get a commercial out of it, you do it. I'll tell you though, I'd respect Ben a lot more if he fucked granny.
NICKI, 26. A dental hygienist. Uh oh, I think we've had enough dental types on this show. She's cute, I guess. A case of the crazy eyes though. A bunch of these brunettes look alike, I can't tell them apart.
DIANNA, 30. She might have a bit of a weight problem, my sister is not going to be happy with me for saying that. "She's normal!"
JENNIFER, 28. An accountant. Also, a redhead. She's got nice eyes and a lame accountant gimmick of giving Ben a bunch of numbers. Just go inside, fire crotch.
LYNDSIE J, 29. A Brit with an even more fascinating nose than Ben's. She's out of control. Even her laugh has an accent.
ANNA, 25. Still a student. Very blonde. She thinks highly of herself, and out of all the gimmicks we've seen tonight, she somehow makes the funniest intro of them all. She walks up to Ben, slightly cocks her head, and whispers "Hi" in the funniest way. I might have to record that off my TV and post it cause you need to understand the greatness. Then she just walks right past him without saying anything else. Awesome.
MONICA, 33. Damn these are some old bitches! At least have respect for yourself and say you're 29. She's a dental consultant! Jesus, are the producers just calling Delta Dental and asking for lookers?
JACLYN, 27. She is not attractive and will go nowhere. Of course, that's what I said about Vienna.
SHAWN, 28. She has the boobs of a woman twice her age. She gives Ben a punch to the arm before she goes inside, very odd and funny.
KACIE B, 24. Okay, she's too skinny. This is a girl they showed earlier who loves Ben and wants to have 10 of his babies already.
LINDZI C, 26. She comes riding up on a horse for no reason, maybe it's because she spells her name that way and has to be lame at everything. She's cute, another brunette lookalike.
That's all the women. Alright, this has to be mentioned again: ALL WHITE GIRLS. What the hell? Ben is a racist! That is wrong. Come on, who doesn't like an Asian girl? You can't have one? Not cool, Bachelor. We need Kanye, Ben does not care about black people.
Ben goes inside to the cocktail party to talk with them and get entertained by the talent show we all know is coming. It only took 2 more seconds for me to hate that one girl's bangs. And I don't believe for a second that she's 27. However, she's good with Ben and she's definitely gonna move on.
Nicki is one of the lookalike brunettes who loves Ben way too much. She's divorced, but not bringing up now because she doesn't want him to think she's all used up, which of course, all divorcees are.
I desperately need some magazine or website to expose this wine lie for me. Why is everyone pretending like he's really doing this? I can't see too good, is that Frank Ford Coppola over here?
Ben has to play out this grandma bullshit and talk to her and her granddaughter, who I'm pretty sure has a chin implant, or is related to Jay Leno.
That Nicki chick is up in Ben's grill every second.
There's a girl with a tattoo on her arm with a heart and the key to her heart. I think I know a frog voiced gentleman who she should meet.
Dianna blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy and he has to guess what it is. With games like these, she could be a producer on The Bachelor Pad.
Bad hair Emily says "there's a gangsta side of me". No shit, Eminem. She takes Ben aside and does a rap for him, and it's as bad as you think it would be. But what are you gonna do, you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.
The model furthers her cause, but she also furthers her cause to be the girl who isn't there to make friends. She tells us she's better than the others, but the problem is that she is right.
A porky blonde girl tells Jenna that she feels nothing for Ben. She's there to party. Her name is Monica. She doesn't like Ben, but she's fallen in love with Blakely. Maybe this will be a good season after all. Wait a minute...lesbian Bachelor?! Get on it, ABC.
That being said, Jenna is being a complete crazy person about it. She must hate lesbos. Maybe she's a Republican. She starts talking like Mary J. Blige, "I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna shed no tears".
Jenna and Monica try to bury the hatchet but they're speaking different girl languages. Jenna: "maybe we can share a tampon sometime". Monica: "That's not classy". Nothing makes sense.
Ben has literally not been on the screen for the last 12 minutes. What a great choice!
Jenna breaks her promise to Mary J. and tears up, Ben notices and asks "are you crying?". She accidentally quotes Mary again "I'm fine, fine, fine".
Ben gives all the girls a head fake by giving the first impression rose to the horse girl, concealing his true feelings for the model. That's strategy. You don't wanna be the asshole that loves the model. Girls are not fans of that.
Funny, Blakely the VIP cocktail waitress has the worst Fire Marshall Bill teeth ever, and her lesbian lover Monica works in the dental field.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
JAMIE - the nurse with white teeth, kept her head down enough to get a rose
RACHEL - the bangs, but an early frontrunner, is secretly 40 years old
BLAKELY - let me show ya somethin!
EMILY - the gangsta rapper, congrats B Rabbit
KACEY B - she's gonna be the crazy person when we move to week 2, I feel it
KACEY S - barely spoke, she's a dark horse though
BRITTANY - Grandma comes through
ERICA - a bland brunette
SHAWN - she's gonna be in the friend zone
NICKI - another candidate for crazy status
JENNIFER - the red head, didn't say a word at the cocktail party, I'm a fan
ELYSE - brunette squad strikes again
SAMANTHA - they call her "sam the sash". Bad pick.
COURTNEY - the model, duh
JACLYN - possibly the most unattractive girl ever to appear on the show, this is an outrage
MONICA - her girlfriend is going to be so happy
JENNA - NOOOOOOO!!!
Terrible pick. Oh my God. That's the producer's call, such bullshit. He wanted nothing to do with her, but she's there for the drama. That sucks because there's a couple of girls I wanted to stay. Damn politics.
This season on the Bachelor...
Ben bores the pants off of everybody, so the producers are forced to inject drama via an ex girlfriend. Yay.
I look forward to taking this journey with all of you. Goodnight.