Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 3

In honor of Ben and the producers of this show, I'm gonna do a half assed job tonight.

The gals head to Ben's "other" hometown of San Francisco. There are a lot of people who live in San Francisco while operating their own winery in Sonoma: they're called liars.

Ben meets up with his sister to chat. They look exactly alike, except for his sister has less feminine hair.

Emily gets the first one on one date. It's hard for me to remember who she is, but it says she's 27 and getting her PHD. She's gonna be a Doctor of going out with boring motherfuckers.

For their date, they are going to climb on top of the Bay Bridge. As a Bay Area native, I will tell you I had no idea that this was allowed. There tends to be quite a few earthquakes, so this seems like a terrible idea. I seem to recall one time where the earth shook and that whole bridge almost came down. I recall it because I was shitting my pants at the time.

As they walk up, Emily panics. She should be applauded for having a survival instinct. Ben gives her a kiss on the bridge and thinks that solved all of her problems. The only problem it solved was that it switched her fear from heights to a fear of having to spend the rest of the day with this dude.

Just like the time Ben had a bottle of wine once, he's now gonna tell people he climbs bridges for a living.

Later, they have dinner. Emily tells a story about online dating and being matched up with her brother. Ben doesn't let her finish the story but I'm gonna have to assume she ended up banging her brother. He gives her the rose.

Ben announces: "I could very well spend the rest of my life with her". This guy would propose to a fucking cheeseburger if it touched his lips the right way.

Group date. 11 women, 1 douche in need of a haircut. In one of the worst product placements ever, the girls tell us about the all new Honda CRVs. A crap car for a crap season.

Ben keeps saying "my leap list". Apparently one of the things on his leap list was to fill a street up with fake snow and ski down it with 11 women in bikinis. That one probably seemed like a long shot when he was jotting down that ol' leap list.

Rachel gets some alone time with Ben. She's really sticking with those bangs, but her body is quite nice. However, if she's 27 then I'm too cool to be blogging about the Bachelor. And we all know that is clearly not true.

Brittney gets the next one on one date, but she's "torn and confused" about it. Uh oh. She wants to go home! This never used to happen until Ashley showed up. Now it's a string of Bachelors who people are openly rejecting. Amazing. No one ever said no to Brad, I'll tell you that!

I've seen enough and will be making predictions at the end of this.

Lindzi the awful horse girl gets Brittney's sloppy seconds for the date. Lindzi sort of looks like Rachel, but in that same way that Leighton Meester looks like Minka Kelly but Minka is so much hotter. Lindzi isn't good, and secretly has crazy face.

They go up to City Hall and the door is locked. Ben pulls out a key and opens it. Lindzi: "I don't know who this guy is, but he's kind of amazing". Bitch, he doesn't actually have a key to City Hall. You are on a television show!

They go in and some terrible band is playing, and they dance and kiss. Then they head to Ben's "favorite speakeasy". It has a password to get in and it's "horse, of course". Too bad he wasn't with horse faced Blakely cause that would've been even more appropriate.

Lindzi tells Ben that she was dumped by her boyfriend of 1 and a half years via text that said "welcome to Dumpsville, population you". Sorry, but either you did something really bad to deserve that, or you chose to spend a year and a half of your life with an absolute dick. Either way, you suck at least a little bit.

On this date Lindzi's hair is constantly in a state of just been riding in a convertible for 6 hours.

CUT TO: mysterious footage of a car driving on the freeway. A girl speaks to Chris on the phone, telling him she's almost there. She says butterflies are starting to kick in. Who is this mysterious girl the producers have introduced into the mix to try and add a sliver of intrigue to this show?

We hear the girl say "I was on Brad's season of the Bachelor". Um, that doesn't narrow it for me, Brad has been on the show 12 times. Shit. Who is this?

And finally they reveal it's...

Shawntel!

Whoa. Didn't see that coming. I like it. I wish it was Chantal, but beggars can't be choosers. She says she has "very strong feelings for Ben". Do they know each other? I don't know what's going on.

Before the night started, Courtney toasted to a "drama free" night. Then she proceeds to start a bunch of drama. The girls start to notice that she might be a psychopath. I give her a pass, only because she delivered the best moment last week when she sipped her wine and said "it's like...war out there".

Courtney tells Ben "we'll make cute babies". All right, that's a little much. She might have a case of the rotting ovaries and now she's forcing herself to be proactive for the first time in her life.

God damn Kacie B has some hair issues. Holy shit. She has to be part black. If Chris Rock does a sequel to that hair movie, she should star.

Very funny moment as Shawntel walks past all the girls wearing her dress. At first they don't even notice, then they're all "who was that?" And then the freak out begins!

Ben finally sees her and says "holy shit!" Again, do they know each other?! Please, someone tell us. Maybe Ben's side gig is at the funeral home.

Elyse has to be dragged away from Ben for Shawntel. She's so angry it's awesome. This is the face she makes...


Ben and Shawntel talk. Shawntel says "we've talked before". When? At one of those Bachelor cruises? At the Bachelor Pad auditions? There's too much going on behind the scenes in the Bachelor universe. We need a channel. Oprah's not doing shit with hers, hand it over, bitch.

By the way, this is not unprecedented. During Byron's season (which I'm sure no one watched but me), they introduced two girls from a previous season. One of them was Mary who ended up winning. And by winning I mean getting punched in the face by Byron and repeatedly getting arrested for domestic abuse.

After talking to Ben, Shawntel has to go hang out with the girls. And of course, they start yelling at her. It's amazing. "She's uglier in person", is one of the comments. "You fucking loser", is another. Women hating other women for no real reason? Say it isn't so.

Jaclyn, the monster face, feels like she's better than Shawntel. Uh, no you're not.

Courtney: "If Ben gives Shawntel a rose, I am out". Oh Courtney, I used to respect you.

Some of you ladies are going to have to comment below and tell us why exactly they are crying about this, because I am at a loss. It's a game show! There are still 15 other girls there!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

COURTNEY - she hesitates before accepting, and wants him to know that she saw him talking to "what's her butt" and it was "a lot". Ben has no idea what she's saying and just gives her the rose without responding

KACIE B - a frontrunner

ELYSE - I am not a fan, especially after seeing the face pictured above

JAIMIE - she got no screen time tonight

JENNIFER - her star is fading

KASEY S - she's blonde and I forgot she was still here

BLAKELY - neigh

MONICA - ???!!!!! How is she still here? Disturbing. This is the longest a lesbian has ever lasted on this show, not counting Jerry O'Connell's brother

NIKKI - haven't seen much of her

SAMANTHA - Sam the sash

Before he hands out the final rose, he attempts to say a few words. Erica freaks the fuck out and basically falls down. One of the girls tells her to "put her head between her legs". The reason she's freaking out is because she didn't put her head between Ben's legs and now she's outta here.

The girls blame Erica's situation on Shawntel. I don't think it was Shawntel feeding her tequila and Xanax.

After things get settled, Ben declares that he's not handing out the final rose, and all 3 of the remaining girls (Shawntel, Erica, and Jaclyn) are eliminated.

Dude! You kept Monica over Shawntel? That's madness. Erica breaks down into tears. Jaclyn storms out.

The most maddening part of this whole thing is how mad and defiant Jaclyn is. Has she looked into a mirror lately?


It's pure insanity that she thought that she had a chance. She makes Vienna look like someone that's attractive.

Ben walks Shawntel out. The rest of the girls are pleased he got rid of her, cause they know and fear the dangers of new pussy.

I'm not sure what Ben was thinking, or what happened with him and Shawntel in the past, but I'm guessing he sensed the animosity from the rest of the girls and didn't want to cause trouble. Probably the right thing to do. But some of the girls still left are ridiculous.

RANKINGS

1. Kacey B
2. Lindzi
3. Courtney
4. Emily
5. Rachel
6. Jennifer
7. Nikki
8. Jaimie
9. Kasey S.
10. Elyse
11. Samantha
12. Blakely
13. Monica


Goodnight!