Who are the Bachelor producers going to pull out of their ass to claim they love Ben this week? Chantel? Shawntelle? Ames?
We are now in Park City, Utah. Why? Ben says he "wants them to experience the outdoors. The outdoors are a big part of my life". Not part of his life: hair maintenance.
The first date is with Rachel, the girl with bangs who says she's 27 but looks exactly like Cheryl Tiegs looks right now. This makes Kacey B cry, because she wishes she "could just be going to the grocery store with him right now". Man, she really loves produce. And also, boring guys.
Bachelor Copter! I could've made them millions if they would've listened to my idea of buying their own helicopter 10 seasons ago. You could start a whole side business, where real couples could pay to use the Bachelor Copter and go on Bachelor dates and then 10 other girls come along too and then the couple fights and breaks up and he doesn't give her a rose and ends up with a fame whore who dumps him 3 weeks later to go on the Bachelor Pad, fucks Wes, then gets cheated on and has to settle for Frog Voiced Kasey.
They fly to a river or something, and go on a boat. It's funny because they both say how romantic and peaceful and perfect it is and then they cut to a shot of 500 flies flying all around them and that trash filled river.
My guess: Rachel smokes 3 packs a day.
She has nothing to say and it's awkward. She's out boring Ben. I didn't think that was possible. Ben: "It's not that my guard is up with Rachel, there's just something, I don't know, something I can't put my finger on". Yeah, her pussy.
They try to make it seem like Rachel turns it around, but she totally doesn't. She seems like a huge dummy. He gives her the rose in a pure pretty play. In other words, her hot body and face saved her ass. Her personality is ugly, but that never trumps boobs.
Group date. Ben is poorly riding a horse. He looks like Billy Crystal in City Slickers but with a mullet. They are going fly fishing. Just what you want to see hot girls wear: waders. Although I guess there's something in them tugging on poles.
No surprise, Courtney is the best at it, tugging on poles, that is. I know it's not a popular opinion, but I kind of enjoy Courtney. She's embracing the evil. She knows who she is on this show and she is not shying away from it. I also like how aware she is that everyone else hates her and even tries to make them hate her more. Hey, in a season of Ben and Kacie B's, you take what you can get.
We have a Casey S. sighting! I don't think she's spoken a word until right now. She's kind of attractive to be so hidden away all this time. And of course we get two words from her and stupid Nikki interrupts. I want to get to know Casey S!
That's not an elephant in the room, that's Nikki's giant nose.
Sam the Sash gets alone time, and we haven't seen much of her either. But she says: "I have such crazy feelings for this guy, I feel like I should already have a ring on my finger". Easy there, it's Ben, not the Miss Palisades pageant.
Ben completely swats her down. She must be acting nuts when the camera is not around because Ben is as animated and mean as I've ever seen him. He goes "on the group dates you're very emotional and I wonder if you're here for me". So she makes this face:
Then Ben says it's time to end this right now. I really wish they would've shown what actually happened here, because we barely saw this girl and now Ben is straight going off on her.
Also, if he felt that way, why not dump her last week and keep Shawntel? Oh that's right, cause Shawntel was a plant.
It's kinda feeling like he could end the show now and just propose to Kacie B. They are a perfect match, probably because of their matching hair.
Courtney gets her alone time and screws things up by bumming Ben out with talk of "the process". No one wants to hear that! Stick to pretending he's attractive, he likes that.
Aw, but it was all a trick! She is the master manipulator! Because her pouting causes Ben to give her the rose to make her feel better. Wow. Courtney, I will never doubt you again. I will never doubt how pathetic Ben is again either.
It's so funny when Ben goes to get the rose for her, and she's just sitting, sipping her wine in that evil way that she does, so fucking proud of herself. God damn bitches.
The final one on one date is with Jennifer, the cute, yet possibly slightly chubby and friend zoney, fake redhead.
They go hiking. And then repelling down a crater down to water. I don't know why they have to get practically naked to do it but I'm fine with it.
Ben says that relationships are all about trust and falling into the unknown, and then as they drop into the water he completely lands on top of her. Well, I guess in a certain way relationships are about that too.
Jennifer is a sweetie.
This statement by Ben just made me yell at the TV "fuck you! who are you?!" He says to Jennifer: "You think you'd be able to handle a crazier lifestyle. The days aren't the same, I never really know where I'm gonna be or what I'm to be doing, I have to be very flexible with a relationship that's flexible".
What do you think you're God Damn Brad Pitt or something?! What does he think he's up to that's so crazy? He should be on his knees begging Jennifer to live his boring life with him.
As Ben is giving her the rose, he says some nonsense about how he wasn't sure about her. Again, he gives off the vibe that she's this boring accountant and he's this wild man with all this stuff going on. You fake own a winery, you're not the most interesting man in the world.
Afterwards, Clay Walker, who Jennifer informs us is "a superstar" is "playing a concert just for them", except there's a hundred other people there.
I have to admit, I've never heard of Clay Walker, superstar. But I think he's the guy with the cowboy hat on.
Cocktail party. Emily gets alone time and rats out Courtney. She starts to do it and Ben goes "I don't know who you're talking about, I know you're not gonna throw anyone under the bus". And then Emily throws Courtney under the bus.
And this angers Ben! He hates when girls talk shit. Ben: "It's probably gonna end up in your own demise".
Demise? Jesus, someone thinks highly of himself. Ben is morphing into a big headed, big haired monster. Hey dickface, don't let all these girls go to your head, they're here because it's a TV show.
In a surprise twist, Kasey S. reveals that she's on Team Courtney! She loves her, and tells Emily so. Kasey S. is a fucking wild card, people. We need more of her.
Kasey S. immediately goes and tells Courtney what Emily said about her. This is so crazy, it's like Kasey S. hasn't even been on the show until right now. And she may not have been, I have to check the tapes.
Courtney commences "Operation Mindfuck" on Emily, and it immediately pays big dividends. Emily is a single A player and has found herself in the bigs with an inability to hit the curveball and little to no self esteem.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
LINDZI - in case you forgot, crazy face is still with us
JAMIE - she's venturing into Kasey S. territory with her lack of screen time on this show
NIKKI - she's the wannabe Kacie B
KACIE B - and she's the real thing
ELYSE - another girl without a speaking role this week
BLAKELY - remember when everyone hated Blakely? Courtney's evilness has turned her into just one of the gals
KASEY S - welcome to the party! By the way, she might be the hottest girl there, how has this happened?
EMILY - she's still in the game and a catfight is sure ensue next week
Finally, Monica the Lesbian got eliminated. Amazing that she lasted this long after saying very loudly in episode 1 that she had no interest in Ben and wanted to fuck Blakely.
Luckily, she's from Salt Lake City, so this limo is actually just driving her home. Judging from her tears, I think when she's sober she doesn't know that she loves poon.
Classic moment: Ben says "we're going to Puerto Rico!" All of the women cheer, but Courtney, under her breath, says "I was just there 2 months ago". Ha! It was just like that Kristen Wiig character, "I'm the President of Puerto Rico, so..."
Next Week: Courtney throws down the gauntlet. And by that I mean she shows Ben her beaver.