Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 5

Is this season over yet? It basically is, but they're forcing us to sit through 10 more episodes. The crazy thing is we're 5 episodes in and there are still girls who have no business even being here. I'm looking at you, Kasey S, Blakely, and that one girl whose name I don't even know.

We are in Puerto Rico - home of Jennifer Lopez, Ricky Martin, and every player in the Major Leagues. Nicki gets the first one on one date. She wants to know "what it would really be like to be alone with him without 10 other girls waiting to talk to him". Um, boring?

Bachelor Copter! It's out early. Oh, I forgot that Nicki was married before. I probably didn't remember because Nicki hasn't been mentioned in the last 3 episodes.

Nicki says she's with the man of her dreams. I don't know if he's the man of anyone's dreams, but he definitely puts me to sleep. Jokes!

Nicki is thick! She's fitting in a little too well in Puerto Rico. It starts raining and it looks like a commercial for the new Fiat.

She says that Ben is muy, muy, muy caliente. Caliente means "hard to look at", right?

If you saw Ben and Nicki from behind I honestly don't think you could tell which one is which. I actually think Ben's hair is getting shorter in the back and longer in the front. Maybe he's like Pinocchio and every time he tells a winery lie his bangs grow.

Nicki is 26 years old, she was married for 3 years, and now she's on this show with the man of her dreams. I'm no math major, but she's either lying about her age or she was in an arranged marriage.

In other hair news, you can actually see Kacie B's hair curling right in front of your eyes. It's like one of those werewolf movies, but instead of turning into a wolf she's turning into Buckwheat.

Before:

After:


Nicki gets the rose.

The next group date is announced, and they realize that Elyse will be getting the final one on one. She's gets excited, not sure why, it's obvious she's getting her ass sent home in the most humiliating way possible: by Ben.

For the group date, they go to a baseball stadium. I believe that's Kenny Powers' home park. They're gonna play baseball and Blakely is "super excited" because she's good at baseball. Apparently, she has a lot of experience from playing with the balls on her chest.

Chris appearance! He tells the ladies that there's gonna be a beach party with Ben..."but not all of you will be there". You can hear one of the girls say "that's meeeeaaaaannnn". You're on a reality dating show! There is no mean! There's no crying on reality shows. Okay, yes there is, that's kind of the whole point.

They have to play baseball against each other to decide which team gets the beach date. Too bad that lesbian is gone, one of these teams could've used her softball experience.

The Blue team throws up 5 runs in the first, and then the Red team puts up 3 on a throwing error...by Ben. Leave it to this asshole to even suck at this.

The Blue team starts shutting shit down though because Blakely is catching everything. She then does a chest bump with Jennifer in celebration. I'm surprised those two rocks didn't put holes in Jennifer's chest.

Courtney on Blakely: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?"

The game goes to extra innings. The Red team needs one out. Jennifer gets down to 2 strikes, and the Ump makes a very questionable ball call. But then mighty Jennifer strikes out. That means the winners are Kacie B, Courtney, Kasey S, Lyndzi, and the one girl whose name I don't know.

Blakely is so pissed that she accidentally lets her trashy southern accent slip out. She's kept that thing hidden like the thousands of abortions she's had after getting knocked up by VIPs at Hooters.

The Bachelor Copter lands and takes Ben and the ladies off on the rest of their date, causing the Blue team to break down in tears. Calm down, it's just Ben.

Ben says this to Kacie B: "All of the women that I've really fallen for in my life...have not loved me back". There's a shocker.

Kacie B gets called away and told she will be starring in a remake of Lady of Rage's music video, "Afro Puffs". She also gets the rose.

Then after Kacie gets the rose, Courtney "steals Ben away" for some extra alone time. Courtney: "Those girls have no idea what I'm capable of". Actually, I think they're pretty aware of it.

Courtney's side boob gets blurred. She then suggests to Ben that they go skinny dipping later.

Kasey S is the best looking girl with the least amount of air time in this show's history. And my credentials as a Bachelor historian cannot be questioned.

It's time for Elyse's date of doom. There's no way she's coming back from this. There's a better chance of Kacie's hair straightening out, of Kasey speaking two sentences in a row on camera, of Blakely's boobs being real, of Courtney having a pretty mouth, of Rachel being in her twenties...

Ben and Elyse go on a yacht. Bachelor Yacht! Ben is like Leo DiCaprio in Titanic, only the exact opposite.

Elyse says she's "done everything" in her life. That's because she counts "living on my own" as doing something.

She gave up her job to be here! She must have thought the Bachelor was going to be Brad again. HOLD THE PHONE, I just realized that Elyse is a personal trainer. So she gave up nothing.

Later, they have dinner. Ben brings up the obvious red flag "um, earlier you said you've accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish?". And then Elyse says the dumbest thing a single girl can say: "I'm sick of being single". Ben's testicles immediately shrink into his stomach.

Ben is so uncomfortable during this date it's hilarious. He has to dump her and he really has no nice excuse to do it. It just isn't there. He was praying she would do something stupid so he'd have an easy out but it really never came. He launches into his lame speech and does the deed.

Elyse wants to know what she did wrong. Ben tells her that it's her face. No, he tries to be nice. Then he forces her onto a dingy and she motors off, much like Michael and Walt at the end of season 1 on Lost.

I guess women always want to know what they did wrong because they've never had to compete against other women for a guy. It's usually pretty simple in the real world - just say yes. Guys love that in the real world! So it's completely foreign to her that he could just like the other girls more.

The girls are stunned by Elyse getting eliminated, but Courtney theorizes that "maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out". I love that hypothesis. Courtney also mentions that Elyse leaving "blew her panties off". Also blowing her panties off: any chance at more screen time.

Courtney decides to make good on her skinny dipping plan. She says "I don't know if he's ever skinny dipped with a model before". Oh, I hate that she calls herself a model, and as if this is some sort of weird naked swimming trophy all guys want. By the way, I don't think hand models should be allowed to call themselves models.

She's wearing a robe and Ben invites her into his place. They drink wine, and Courtney not so subtly shows him her tits. Literally. That's not a joke. SHE IS GOOD. This is what guys want to see. It ain't tricky.

After a lot of babbling, Courtney finally drops trau, they go in the ocean, and she jerks him off. She's playing for keeps, people. And by keeps, I mean keeps for a month to help her modeling career before she dumps him and sells the story to In Touch Magazine.

Blakely is nervous about possibly getting eliminated. I have to say, she has really turned herself around. I'm suddenly rooting for this plucky little slut.

It's funny, these girls get so nervous and then they finally get Ben alone and say exactly the wrong thing. Blakely: "I'm 33 and still single".

Blakely wisely goes back to her skanky instincts and gives him a full thrashing with her tongue. This hypnotizes Ben into forgetting about her age.

Courtney brags about her "secret" with Ben, and then proceeds to hint to all of the girls about skinny dipping. Poor Jennifer goes on and on about skinny dipping, not knowing what happened. Poor, sweet, innocent, dumb, fake red headed Jennifer.

Oh, Emily, No! She gets Ben alone, and apologizes for talking shit about Courtney. She wants him to know she's not thinking about her anymore and she feels awful about bringing it up. AND THEN, she goes, but Courtney is such a weirdo. I'd hate to see you end up with her, and on, and on. Unbelievable. And she has a PHD? In what, shooting herself in the vagina?

Courtney is very similar to Dr. Michael Mancini from Melrose Place.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

LYNDZI - she's sort of just floating by, almost an unknown quantity at this point

JAMIE - speaking of unknown, this is the girl whose name I never know

RACHEL - it's her 40th birthday!

COURTNEY - she acts all surprised

KASEY S - an enigma

BLAKELY - one more week

EMILY - WHAT??!

Shockwaves have just gone through the Handleman house. What the fuck? Jennifer gets eliminated? Really, Ben? Jamie is still here, but Jennifer is gone? That is madness. Complete madness.

Kasey S is a mute! She was born without a tongue. And she's still around? Nothing makes sense. Oh shit, Jennifer just asked what she did wrong.

This is really weird. Not because she got sent home, but because of who is still left.

If Ben were in the real world, Jennifer wouldn't even give him a second look. I am upset. That was hurtful. Fuck Ben.

Next week: Kasey S finally gets her moment, but someone had to die for her to get it. And later, there's a mutiny on the Courtney.

For the record, here is Ben making out with Jennifer moments before eliminating her:


Huh?