We've moved to Belize. 6 women will be reduced to 4. I don't see Emily surviving this. Or Rachel. Or Lindzi. Wait, that's too many, can this just be the final episode?
I have been remiss not to mention Emily's "rapping". She might be the only girl on this show that has an actual personality. Well, Courtney has a personality if you count evil whore as a personality.
Emily compares Ben to a piece of cheesecake in swimming trunks. Since I find cheesecake disgusting, I agree with her.
Bachelor Copter! Ben and Lindzi fly over something called "the blue hole". The blue hole is not to be confused with the black hole, which is the nickname Ben has given Courtney's pussy. Why do they keep setting me up for Courtney's pussy jokes? It's not fair.
Ben tells Lindzi that they are going to jump off the helicopter into the blue hole. This harkens back to a grand Bachelor tradition - forcing people to do life threatening things in the name of love and TV. For some reason, they insist that being with someone should involve almost dying. If they really felt that way, they wouldn't make all the girls clear an STD test.
The wind from the blades of the helicopter force Ben's hair into a Bieber, and it's even more ridiculous than his hair is on a calm day.
Later, they're on a deck for dinner. They're walking along and there's this whole thing setup, with candles and food and everything, and Lindzi goes "Is this us?" Ha! No, an episode of Elimidate is scheduled to shoot here in about 20 minutes.
There's so much going on with Lindzi's head that it's hard to capture here. Hair is in a thousand directions, her mouth isn't good, there might be eyebrow issues, I don't know. She's got the elements of pretty, but if pretty were hit by a shovel and then caught in a hurricane.
Lindzi forces out a "I really like you, I definitely am...falling". It's really not believable at all. She doesn't give a shit about Ben. But hey, you ride in on a horse, you better stay in the saddle. That's a saying, right?
They write a fairy tale about themselves and put it in a bottle and throw it in the ocean. I feel bad for whoever gets that bottle because they can't fast forward through it like I'm doing.
Emily gets the next one on one date. They ride bikes together. Then they force this poor local man to participate in a little play that results in him taking them diving for lobsters. People in third world countries are the real victims of this show.
Ben catches a lobster. He hasn't had seafood since that time he went skinny dipping and ate...Courtney's pussy! God Damn, I apologize, it's not me, it's them.
Back at the hotel, Courtney cries. She says that she really liked him, and doesn't know how much more she can take. I don't know what the hell she is talking about, but I'm pretty sure it's just a ploy for more camera time.
Why does everyone always say "I know my family will absolutely love you"? Does anyone's family ever really love the person you're going out with? What are the percentages on that? I'd say 70-30 hate. Here's a news flash, most of your families suck, and anyone that they love probably sucks too.
Courtney gets the next one on one and brags about it. This prompts Kacie B, who is the nicest person in the world, to call her a "fucking bitch". Well, not to her face, to us. But still. Here's Kacie B's face as Courtney gloats:
Oh no she didn't! I told you she's black, no white girl can make that face.
Courtney says something that I think is actually good. She says "Ben needs to step his game up". Now, do you think any of these other girls think that way? Hell no. They think, what do I need to do to get a rose? Courtney has it right. And the fact is, that's the way the other girls will start thinking once the show ends, when they come to their senses and immediately break up with him and go on the Bachelor Pad.
Courtney barrages Ben with all of her complaints. She tells him she "lost the spark, babe". It's hard for me to read Ben's face as to how he feels about this, but I assume he's thinking "boobs, boobs, skinny dipping, boobs".
Of course, Ben falls right into it and tells her he's "amazed that she's hung on the whole time". You know that she's a model, right? You should be amazed that she's restrained herself from fucking the camera.
Together they climb the stairs of a Mayan temple. Courtney says that each step they took felt like it was another step in their relationship. Which step is the one where you sell your story to Us Weekly and start dating Pauly Shore?
Ben somehow feels even better about what they have because Courtney lost the spark. Man, she knows what to say to get insecure dorks to do exactly what she wants. If you hadn't watched the show before and just watched this date, you'd think Courtney was the Bachelorette and Ben was one of many guys. She's gotten him to beg her to meet her family. Bravo.
Courtney kisses Ben for a second then pulls away. Then she kisses him again and he literally has to hold her head to keep her from recoiling again.
Courtney pretends her hands are guns and says in an interview "that's the kill shot!". Fuck, she is the greatest Bachelor girl of all time. Unfortunately, that's hard to know for sure because the level of competition (Ben) is so low. It's like the Globetrotters against the Generals over here. Don't be surprised if Ben falls for the old bucket filled with confetti trick.
Courtney starts to get diarrhea of the mouth about the other girls, and we know how Ben feels about that. He starts to get a little suspicious. She's saying awful things about girls that he knows are nice people. He asks, "do you have friends back home?" Ha. She says "I have a lot of guy friends". No, you don't. You have guys who have sex with you.
Group date. Kacie, Nikki, and Rachel. There is a rose on the line. Ben surprises the girls and wakes them up at 4am. Kind of weird - the girls are sharing beds. Nice budget, ABC!
If I was a producer for this show and my goal was to find the right girl for Ben, I'd be pretty pleased with myself for finding Nikki, Kacie, and Jennifer. That's about right for this guy. But will he realize it?
Ben takes the ladies on a boat and announces that they are going "shark diving". Kacie and Nikki squeal with delight. Rachel, not so much. She's not interested. And I say good for her! Fuck that noise. That's why you have a boat in the first place, to keep away from the sea creatures.
But no, Ben says "getting out of your comfort zone, and overcoming your fears is a huge part of a relationship". It is? Really? I thought they were for staying in your comfort zone. Why would I want someone who wants to make me swim with sharks and die? I want to die in a relationship the old fashioned way, by getting caught cheating and shot dead in a murder/suicide.
Poor Rachel It would make me so happy if she just walked away. Ben is not comforting at all, and is actually being a real dick. The first thing I would say is "you don't have to do this, it's no big deal at all". But he doesn't. He pressures her into doing it.
Rachel: "I need to show him that I can do this". No, you don't! You don't have to do anything of the sort.
And now the other girls are jealous because Ben is with Rachel the whole time. They're also jealous cause she has two things they don't have - boobs. I take that back, Nikki has boobs, but it's at the expense of her bulky lower body.
I'm pretty convinced that Ben couldn't do better than Nikki. Everything that is wrong with men is demonstrated by Ben liking Courtney more than her.
Kacie tells Ben that she's falling in love with him. Ben is a little caught off guard. She says that because she's falling in love with him, she wants her family to know him and know how important he is to her. That's funny, I'm the opposite. I like to hide girls from my family for as long as possible, just for the sport of it.
Ben gives the rose to Kacie. That has to be bad news for Rachel, I don't see how she survives this.
Courtney hates on Kacie: "she's a little girl in a little boy's body". Ouch.
Finally, Nikki can't take it anymore, neither can Kacie, and they tell Ben "we want you to be careful with Courtney". Nikki adds the kicker "just tread lightly". I love that because that's the same exact asshole phrase that Ben gave to Emily when she tried to warn him.
At long last, it might be getting through to Ben. Jeez. This has to be because of the shit Courtney was talking earlier. For her to hate on Kacie and the others like that, when they are so clearly nice, semi-normal girls, it just rang false. I will say though, a bad side effect of this talk is that Nikki is coming across like a mom or a sister.
The next night, they all get together for the rose ceremony. The girls talk. Courtney: "Ben's not the only guy in the world". And thank God for that. She's acting all retarded, she must've taken something. Let's hope it was the same shit Whitney was taking.
She gloats about how she's not worried at all, and makes this face a lot:
Guys, Rachel is pretty great looking. Let's not forget that.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
I will say, if Bachelor tradition holds, the person who "isn't there to make friends" usually goes home before the hometown visits.
Before Ben gives out roses, he says he needs to talk to Courtney real quick. They chat. He asks her, "are you here for the right reasons?" Nice job, Columbo, I'm sure you'll get to the truth that way.
Back to the ceremony:
NIKKI - interesting, she was on the bubble
LINDZI - gross. That puts Emily on bubble watch!
COURTNEY - boom.
But the real stunner is Lindzi. Why?! Emily is better than her. Rachel is hotter than her. Ben refuses to do anything that I would find remotely smart and good.
Uh oh, when Rachel cries she talks like a deaf person! A deaf person with a German accent! What is happening? They had to subtitle her. That was awesome. I don't know what language she was speaking, but it was enjoyable.
The ending is really odd. Ben doesn't even walk them out. It's just sort of like, "bye!" If I were Emily I wouldnt' be able to resist giving a parting shot about Courtney. Oh well, maybe she's saving it for the girls tell all.
Next week: we find out Kacie isn't black.