And we're back to a 2 hour running time. Yippee.
A lot of people were noting Emily's appearance. It's confusing, she looks like how a 45 year old rich housewife tries to look, but she still sorta looks 45. Regardless, that's not gonna be a pretty picture in a few years.
Did you know that Emily is filming this in Charlotte so she could stay close to little Ricki? Well, she is and don't you forget it. But if you do, you will be reminded again.
The first date is a one on one with Ryan. He has that weird haircut that's like an intentional alfalfa. It's like he's compensating for the lack of hair in front with more hair in the middle. It's a mid-mullet.
Emily assumes that because of Brad, all relationships with men who are good looking are doomed to fail. By that logic, every relationship she has with someone on a TV show are doomed to fail, so she might be onto something.
This fake date is about Ricki playing soccer, and they need to make cookies for the team. I'm sensing a horrific theme here that will no doubt be played throughout the season. "Now we have a parent/teacher conference cause Little Ricki flunked her finals".
Emily is a "protective mama", so Ryan is not allowed to meet Ricki yet. Allowed to meet her: every single pervert watching TV right now.
Ryan says this is awesome because she's not "putting on a show" for him. Well, unless you count the show she's putting on.
Ryan likes how Emily is "just being herself" as she pulls up in an Aston Martin provided by the show. They go to dinner and for some reason there is a red carpet and a bunch of "fans" taking their picture. Maybe if they didn't put out that red carpet they could've avoided all of that publicity.
Ryan says a weird thing about only liking girls that he has to chase for a long time. Yeah, who wants someone that actually likes you? Hunting them down and imposing your will on them seems like the true love way to go.
Emily wants a guy who will come in and be the boss. She must be a Republican. Ryan tells Emily she was most attractive "in the kitchen". We have a match! End the show now.
Emily worries that Ryan is "too perfect". Just like Jake Pavelka! That was his problem too.
There's another weird sequence where they both start talking in southern accents and double entendres about "the chase" and Ryan keeps asking "can ya run? can ya run?". I might need someone from the south to interpret this show for me. I don't speak hillbilly.
Uh oh, and proving it, some country act does a performance for them and I have no idea who they are. It might be either Big or Rich, not sure. He kinda looks short so maybe it's rich. And there's a lady there, that's gotta be Lady Antebellum.
Group date. They're putting on a variety show for Emily's charity. And they're doing it with the Muppets. I have to admit, I don't get the muppets. Never been a fan. Deal with it, Jason Segel!
Some guys have to sing, some have to dance, and three of them have to do standup comedy. Charlie, the head injury guy, is hating this. He's not a fan of public speaking and is shitting bricks. "It really struck fear in my heart". You know what strikes fear in my heart? Getting a head injury.
Maybe Charlie just watched the last Bachelorette and wisely noted that doing comedy is a road to disaster.
Charlie nervously talks with Emily, and tells her he can't do it, "I have a speech problem". Honestly, it's heart breaking. I'm sad for him. On the other hand, this earns him a rose this week and a quiet dismissal the next. He's damaged goods.
Funny moment with the Justin Bieber guy where he talks with Kermit like Kermit is a real life person and his bro. "All right, man, see ya later".
Then we have an embarrassing bit where Kermit zips Emily up and Miss Piggy gets jealous. Is this show Emily's acting reel?
I have some readers in the Charlotte area, so I'll ask them: did you guys go to this show? Tell us how awkward it was...
Is this a commercial for The Muppets DVD or something? I'm feeling Leap Listy.
I hate all of this. And then they do a Miss Piggy talk show and for some reason Charlie gets stuck being one of the guests. He does okay, I guess. I don't know what I was expecting, but squeezing a rabbit to death was part of it.
Hey ABC, I didn't watch The Muppet movie for a reason. This is the worst.
And then, Steve Zahn gets on the stage...oh wait, that's not Steve Zahn on the stage, that's little Ricki! You could see how I'd get confused...
Emily says she's so glad she could help out "one of my favorite charities". It's her charity!
Later that night - and I mean much later, the Muppets went on forever - they all hang out. Chris gets alone time, and Emily says the thing she likes about him is that he is "so good looking". Really? This guy? He's got no lips. I don't get it. She says he's so attractive but he's not the kind of guy who is like "hey look at me". Yeah, cause he knows that would be embarrassing cause he's not good looking.
Emily is frustrated by Jef (Bieber) because he's not giving her enough attention. Hey, I'm a fan of that strategy. He's Courtney-ing her! I would say he knows what he's doing but look at that stupid hair.
Kalon interrupts Stevie's alone time, and gets Emily to himself. And then Kalon is interrupted by Aaron. Kalon demands 2 more minutes and the guy won't let him have it. Nice. I never understand people who think they're more entitled than anyone else. Oh, it's YOUR alone time, that makes it different. Shut up, Kalon.
Who gets the rose? Jef. The guy who wanted nothing to do with her all day. Yay women!
Final date. It's a one on one with Joe, who Emily thinks looks like Mathew McConaughey. Well, he sorta has his hair, I guess. But it's much better to have McConaughey's face than his hair. The hair is the worst part of McConaughey!
The Bachelor Jet. And Emily announces to Joe that they are headed to beautiful, scenic, tropical West Virginia! This season is brought to you by the guys from Deliverance. I forget, is Emily's last name Hatfield or McCoy?
Back at the house, the guys talk about the possibility of being a dad. Kalon tells Doug, who has a kid, that he put "being a father on hold". This leads to an argument. And it's really funny because Doug gets pissed, and angrily explains that when he had his kid he gave up every dream he ever had. Ha! How does that feel, Doug's son? Dear old Dad never put being a father on hold, in fact, he gave up any shred of happiness he could've had just because you were born.
Emily and Joe go to some weird hotel in West Virginia. Joe seems like a happy go lucky chap, without an ounce of personality. You know how Jef successfully played the disinterested rogue? That goes against every fiber of Joe's boring being.
I'd love to know how the pre-interviews go with a guy like this. He has nothing to say. At one point Emily asks him a hard question and he goes "um, well, what do you think?"
And very appropriately, Emily decides to not give him a rose. She cries all the way through it. Oh boy, this is gonna be a very interesting season because she is totally not cut out for this.
It was weird to watch last season as Ben just became a complete dick, and would coldly brush people off. I don't think Emily is going to develop that mean streak. If you actually care about tossing aside Joe, then it's only going to get worse.
They could make this show way better if they made Emily and Joe fly home together in silent awkwardness. That would be worth the 2 hours, and we wouldn't need fucking Muppets.
Ari - the race car driver who didn't get a date - looks like a mess. It's like his head is on crooked. He asks Emily what her hobbies are, and Emily says she spends so much time with Ricki and her activities that she hasn't figured out what her interests are. Yikes. Run!
At the cocktail party, the guys get mad at Ryan for getting alone time because he already has a rose. Tony goes to intercede just as Ryan hands Emily a letter he wrote. She is then forced to read it as Tony stands there awkwardly. Judging from Emily's lack of interests, this might be the first time she's ever read anything.
Tony stands there for 15 MINUTES while she reads. Jesus. Ryan is a jackass. Tony diffuses it as best he can...by professing his love for the Muppets. But this nicely segues into him revealing the existence of his son.
By the way, there's a lot of talk about these guys being ready to be a dad to Emily's kid. I wouldn't be so sure Emily would want a guy with a kid. I could see her thinking that was yucky, especially since no kid could be as pure and sweet as little Stevie Zahn.
Kalon is a huge weirdo. After he talks to Emily he tells the guys that he is "mentally refreshed".
Wolf has a rule: "if you have Louis Vitton luggage, and you're a dude, you're a dick." Classic Wolf.
There are a few guys who have not spoken a word this episode, I'll name them during the...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
KALON - this will end badly
ARI - did you know he's a race car driver?
MICHAEL - did not say a single word. He has long hair, that's all I know.
NATE - also did not say a single word.
SEAN - he's one of the Kalon haters in the house
CHRIS - I can barely look at the screen because he is so very good looking
DOUG - his life is without happiness, all because of having one stupid kid
TRAVIS - did not say a single word
TONY - poor Tony
WOLF - classic Wolf
ALESSANDRO - did not say a single word
CHARLIE - enjoy it while it lasts, she's never gonna forget that you just relearned to speak
ALEJANDRO - did not say a single word
STEVIE - the main Kalon hater in the house
Who was eliminated? I'm not sure. Aaron, who is wearing glasses now and looks like a different person. And Kyle, who only spoke this episode to detail Tony's humiliation. He claims his heart is broken, yet we saw no interaction between him and Emily.
Next week: Dolly Parton and Emily compare their (fake) tits. And Alessandro makes the biggest mistake of all: he finally says words.