We begin in Emily's bedroom, where she's lying with...her mom. Her mom has dyed blonde hair and the voice of Barry White. Seriously. Might want to knock it off with the cigarettes, Emily's mom.
They are begging Lil Stevie Zahn to come join them in the room with all the cameras so she can dance like a trained monkey, but she's not having it. Good for you, Zahn.
The first date is a one on one with Chris, who Emily claims is "so" good looking. This despite the fact that he forgot to bring his lips. And what are they doing on this date? Well it's the bachelorette, so they are romantically scaling a wall for no reason.
Oh, Emily tells us that she wants "a man who stays by her side good or bad". That's the justification for scaling the wall. Let's stop it with the lies and just admit that we do this every season because the producers are out of ideas.
After they make it to the top, Chris opts for a high five instead of a kiss, because...well he pussed out. But who can blame him? Kissing when you have no lips is like having no hands and trying to finger a girl.
Later, they go to dinner, and Emily tells Chris that if she saw him at a bar she would be too nervous to go over and talk to him because he's so good looking. This dude must be amazing in person cause I'm not seeing it.
Chris tells Emily that he's 25 and she freaks the fuck out. "That's a red flag". Bitch, you're 25! I hate that whole rap girls have where they think they're more mature than guys their age. You're really not. There are guys who are as mature than you, if not more so, but guess what? Those are the guys you are not attracted to.
Emily says "I've always dated older guys". This made me do some research, and it turns out when her fiance died, she was 18 years old. The fiance? 24. And she was pregnant. Well, I guess that's legal in the south.
Jesus. More country music. They go see Luke Bryan, at least I think that's what his name is. Anyway, he sings a song with the lyrics "girl you make my speakers go boom, boom". Speaking of that, when they were scaling that wall Chris went boom boom in his pants.
Chris: "Kissing Emily was like, the greatest thing I've ever experienced in my life". Quite a life there, Chris.
Group date. They are in a park, and Emily has a football. She throws it to the guys just like she used to throw it to Jeremy Shockey when she used to bang him. Then she brings out some of her friends to interrogate the men. One of the guys sees her friends and goes "what's this? Are we getting manicures?" I have to assume Jef said that, cause he looks like someone who has a deep concern for nail care.
Alejandro alert! Holy crap, he just said words. That's a first.
I didn't realize that the guy with the egg is still here, and he's still carrying the egg.
Emily's the kind of girl who only has unattractive friends. She even has an unattractive kid, that's how badly she wants the spotlight to herself.
Sean brags to Emily's friends that they have connected through their "faith". I think he's been praying to the God of Bowflex, cause his body is insane. The friends are in love with Sean. They love him way more than Emily does. These people really love pure blood Aryans.
Then a bunch of kids show up. The guys are forced to play with them. Oh boy, this single mother thing has to end. We get it. She needs a husband AND a father. But you know what America needs? Hot tubs. And half naked people. Let's go.
Ryan is the guy who has to constantly be around Emily, so he ditches the kids and joins the girls in conversation. Then he stupidly says that it's not okay if Emily gets fat if they're together. He tries to pull it back together and fails. It's hard to watch.
The friends vote on who they like the most, and the consensus seems to be "Sean or Doug". Sean is the Hitler youth guy, and Doug is the one with the kid. I still say there's no way Emily wants a guy who has a kid. She wants purity, even though she doesn't have it herself.
Doug tells Emily a very sad story about how he grew up. Basically, his mom ditched their family, then his dad died because he didn't want to go to the doctor and spend their grocery money. Then he bounced around foster homes. He doesn't get to the part about him now having a kid with no mom. I'm telling you, Emily does not like this! She doesn't want damaged goods.
Tony cries about missing his kid, and it seems pretty clear he's not going to be around much longer. Why even come on the show if you can't handle it? You took another man's spot. How dare you care about your kid!
The producers then force Tony to call his kid on speaker phone and have a whole conversation, this makes Tony cry more. If I wanted to hear about kids I'd go to kindergarten, where are the God Damn hot tubs?!
Finally, Emily takes pity on him and drops him like a bad habit. She kicks his crying, terrific parenting ass to the curb, because she's not feeling it that much anyway.
Sean gets the rose. Thank you, Baby Jesus. I have no doubt that if Sean and Emily have kids their names will be Walker and Texas Ranger.
The next one on one date is with Arie, the race car driver. Shake and Bake!
They take the Bachelor Jet to Dolly Wood. Emily calls it the happiest place on earth. That's a coincidence, cause I think it's the saddest. Of course, Dolly Parton surprises them. It really says something about Emily that she didn't see it coming.
Dolly sings for them, and they have to uncomfortably dance in front of her. Emily calls it the best moment of her life. This tells me all I need to know about why we had to fight the Civil War.
Arie and Emily have an actual adult conversation that seems somewhat real. How refreshing. You want a red flag? How about this: Arie says "how do you feel about me being busy with my career?" Emily: "I welcome it! I love my own space". It's Emily and Ricki and the rest of the world, I don't think she has any interest in bringing another person, especially one with a penis, into the circle of trust.
He gets the rose, and he also touches some boob. Arie suddenly jumps into the Bachelor lead.
At the cocktail party, Emily talks to Kalon because he didn't get a date this week. He tells her he took it personally that he didn't get a date and seems really hostile about it. Emily asks him about how he feels that Emily is a mom. He says "I always thought my first child would be my own". Pretty smooth, D-bag.
Kalon says "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish". Meanwhile, he's been talking the ENTIRE TIME. Ugh, fuck Kalon. If you're gonna be the dick of the house, at least be awesome about it. Emily says she doesn't like "tall, skinny, and condescending". Uh, then why do you keep giving him roses?
Emily and the Egg Guy smash the egg. Its name was Shelly, I have no idea what any of it means.
Alessandro gets some time, and he is awful. Not sure what the accent is, but he can barely talk. He's giving me and Emily the willies. Watching him talk makes me long for the egg guy to come back.
He tells Emily that having a kid is a "compromise". She says that any guy should see Ricki as "the biggest bonus ever, don't you think?" And Alessandro goes, "No!" Ha, ha. He hates Steve Zahn.
How was this guy even picked to be on the show?! I mean, it's one thing to cast a guy who will say the honest thing or whatever, or be rude, but the fact that he's foreign and clearly confused just makes it dumb.
Sean reveals that Alessandro said to Emily's friends that he had cheated on his ex and had a one night stand. I'm pretty sure they didn't show us that. Maybe they wanted to "shock" us with what he was saying right there.
Wait a minute, now Alessandro is going home and they didn't show us Emily kicking him out. Really? A 2 hour show and you're leaving all of the good stuff on the cutting room floor? She just slowly walks out with him and he leaves. No words are spoken.
Emily sums it up: "Alessandro...the stuff coming out of his mouth was weird".
Arie does the smart thing and makes Emily feel better and then gets some more kisses. The other guys see it and aren't pleased.
Sean joins in on the "take advantage of the Alessandro" situation and tells Emily about how he'd be the greatest father in the world. This earns him a makeout as well. Not sure what lessons Steve Zahn is learning from all of this making out, but it probably has something to do with whoring.
Crazy enough, it does seem like Emily is liking a few of these dudes. Didn't see that coming.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
JEF - I think he was the lead singer of the Stray Cats
CHARLIE - Head Wound Harry (I'm suddenly realizing that no one is understanding my ancient references)
DOUG - he doesn't care about his kid like Tony does, so he's still here
MICHAEL - this guy has still not spoken! He has long hair, that's all I know about him.
TRAVIS - I get him and the head wound guy mixed up. I think he's the egg guy.
ALEJANDRO - I don't think he and Emily have even met yet
RYAN - just don't get fat, Emily, or he'll dump you like he dumps mousse on his head.
JOHN - wait, who's John? Oh, you mean Wolf? Classic Wolf.
KALON - gross
NATE - did not say a single word this episode.
So who is gone? Well, I regret to inform you that it is Stevie, the Party MC. Who would've thought not being good looking and being a wedding/bar mitzvah DJ wouldn't get you laid? I just don't understand what women want anymore.
Ryan is still smarting over the fact that Arie kissed Emily in the house. He calls Arie "a dainty man". That may be true, but at least he doesn't have Edward Scissorhands trim his beard, you weirdo.
After the credits, they show us Alessandro's talk with the friends. He describes himself as a gypsy, and mentions that his last girlfriend was his cousin. So yeah, that didn't go well, but why include that in the actual show? It's just funny and interesting.
I'm enjoying this season thus far, hope you are too. Goodnight!