This is the "2 on 1" episode, where 2 men leave, and 1 man returns! Or as the French call it, a menage a tois to the death.
But that's not all people, we're going to the beautiful island of Bermuda! I guess 3 weeks is all the excitement you can possibly wring out of Charlotte. Time to go somewhere interesting, but ugh, Emily brought Steve Zahn with her. That's like bringing boring, erection killing sand to the beach.
The first one on one date is with Doug, the angry Dad who doesn't care enough about his kid to leave the show. The guys bust Doug's balls about how nervous he is for the date. Basically, it seems Doug was yapping about the date for a long time, so the guys just kept bringing it up until he realized they were messing with him. And then, the angry Dad gets, well, angry! "I can't understand jokes, I have a kid! When you're a father you can't afford to laugh!"
Arie does a solid imitation of Doug as the Hulk.
Emily gives credit to Doug for his willingness to go shopping on the date, "he's up for anything". Or maybe he's just doing what the director is telling him to do. I almost want to go on the show just to be the one guy who goes, "you know what? this date isn't for me. Let's go to an arcade". "Irwin isn't up for anything, but he can play the shit out of Golden Tee".
They walk through some magic stone circle thing and make a wish. They don't tell each other what the wish is - because then it won't come true! - but Emily tells us in an interview what hers was. So if my knowledge of wells and fountains and general wishery is correct, she's gonna be single forever.
Emily worries that Doug is always giving her the perfect answer, just like Brad (or was it Chad?) used to. I guess she's looking for someone who says dumb things. Maybe that's why she likes Ryan.
But what she really means is every answer from Doug is about his stupid kid and being a dad. When asked "what would an ex girlfriend's major complaint be about you?" His answer: "I spend too much time with my son". I feel like I must come to Brad's defense here, he would never say that, he hated kids and talking to Emily.
Doug asks Emily to name her faults, and as she goes down the list Doug goes "that's not a fault! that's not a fault! Emily "I don't work out". Doug "that's not a fault!" But somehow by doing this Emily realizes that "it's really hard" and maybe Doug is that perfect. It's this kind of decision making that led her to be pregnant at 18.
Doug: "I have not kissed a girl in..........months. Months and months, it's been a really long time, actually".
Doug: "If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know she wants a kiss".
Okay, here are some faults: Doug talks about himself in the third person, might be a born again virgin, knocked up some chick who ran away...
I don't know what they're talking about, it's actually kinda easy.
Group date. They go sailing. Kalon is excited to "hit the high seas...this is my element". Whose element is the high seas? Easy there, master and commander.
Emily says a couple of the guys have experience "on a booze cruise". Classy bunch.
2 teams sail against each other for time with Emily. The team with Arie, Jef, Ryan, and Kalon win. The good news is that you know at least two of them are going to say something stupid on the date.
On the ride home, Charlie (on the team of losers), cries. Maybe he just misses the high seas.
Ryan toasts to "a beautiful, possibly, trophy wife". One down.
Arie gets alone time, and is awkward, but gets the makeout. He doesn't believe in Doug's philosophy, he just does it. Hard to believe anyone knows more about ladies than Doug, who by all accounts, is perfect.
Jef, with his flop of hair blowing magnificently in the wind, tells Emily how much he likes her. Emily is happy about this, the openness, not the hair. And then there's a weird moment, where it was obvious that she wanted him to kiss her, and he didn't. Instead, he goes "well, let's head back". Ha. Never good when you voluntarily want to end your alone time.
Ryan gets alone time, and oh man, it's embarrassing. I can't do any better, so here's what he says:
"I have a lot of coaches tell me that the enemy of great is good. Just being good isn't enough. There's a lot of depth here, you know, to who I am. I have a very, I guess, mature approach to relationships. I'm not here to impress you, but to make an impression on you".
Well, you're doing great, cause you're totally not impressing her at all.
Emily mocks him for his dumb expressions. He says "it's kinda flirtatious too". Emily brings up the whole "it's not okay if you get fat" thing, and Ryan doesn't let us down. He says "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman".
Hey Ryan, God did not design your hair to look like that.
Emily just laughs at him and you can tell she respects his craziness and his inability to read her, but it's clear he is going home right quick.
Ryan scolds her for kissing Arie. Emily apologizes, but tells us that there's a bullshit double standard and that Ryan is judging her. Honey, he told you that he won't tolerate you getting fat, him being upset about seeing you kiss someone else is the most sane thing that's come out of his mouth.
Jef gets the rose. Okay, just noticed Jef is from Utah. And his response to getting to the rose tells me that perhaps Jef is not as "cool" as previously believed. He might be a virgin.
The 2 on 1 is looking to be awesome: it's John vs. Nate. Wait, who the hell is John? Oh, you mean Wolf? Classic Wolf.
This is also awesome for a non Wolf related reason: these guys look exactly alike! Except one is blonde and one is brunette. It's like an episode of Bizarro Superman. What's the exact opposite of a Wolf?
Do you know how sad I'm gonna be if Wolf goes home tonight? That will leave us with zero dudes with animal names.
They take a yacht to the Bermuda triangle and Nate wonders if they're gonna get lost in it. He also calls it the Bermuda love triangle. I mention this because these are the first sentences Nate has spoken on 4 episodes of this show. I thought he was born without a tongue.
We get a camera shot looking down on Emily in a bikini, which explains why I'm getting a bunch of hits from people googling "emily bachelorette boobs fake".
They sit at an awkard table where they aren't facing each other. It looks like how the judges sit on American Idol. Plus, these guys are big dull duds and have nothing to say. Uh, may I make a suggestion? How about discussing why one of them is named Wolf?
They eat quinoa, and Nate mispronounces it, which is especially funny because he asks Emily if she likes quinoa and she says "yeah!". Maybe they're perfect for each other.
Nate gets alone time, and basically gives up and presumes she doesn't like him. Have to admire a man who knows the show. She says "what do you want me to know about you?" He starts talking about his family and breaks down and cries. There goes my admiration.
So what does Wolf do? On his alone time he says he's stoked about being on the 2 on 1. It gives him a chance to prove his Wolfness. Emily loves his confidence. She also loves the movie Teen Wolf, but that's neither here nor there.
Crazy to see the difference between these dudes. Nate is a pathetic mess. I don't know what is going on. There had to be more to this story, because he knew he had no chance here.
And the rose goes to...Wolf. Classic...you know.
They really blew this date. It's much better when it's competitive and you don't know who is going home. Poorly done.
At the cocktail party, Alejandro pleads his case for the rose. She doesn't tell him about how she feels about brown people.
Ryan has another cringe worthy conversation with Emily that I won't spell out here. Just know, a Texas accent and bragging was involved.
Arie is the clear leader at this point. I don't think anyone is even remotely close. I'm not sure she could take anyone else besides him seriously. Sean? Jef? Chris? Is this over already?
Very funny scene of Ryan and the long haired guy talking in front of a cozy fireplace.
Even weirder, Ryan says he's "called to something higher". Which means? He thinks he should be the next Bachelor. Seriously. He talks to camera and pitches himself as the next Bachelor. "I think that would be neat for everybody to see".
Then Ryan and Doug brag to each other about how they're not trying to kiss Emily.
It should be mentioned that Emily's fake ponytail is disgusting.
It's really boring, but Chris is all pissed off because he's 25 and some of the guys are saying he's not mature enough for Emily. He's mad at Doug the most. First, he tells Emily that he's ready, then he brings Doug outside to yell at him about it. It all seems very pointless. Who cares?
Every time I see Chris I think "hey someone ripped Bradley Cooper's lips off!"
Chris says exactly what Emily was saying to Doug, "I don't believe you...there's something you're trying to hide...". That would be awesome if Doug was hiding a giant secret. Maybe it's not really his kid, and he just kidnapped a kid to have a better chance on this show. That would be more believable to me than Ryan being a real person.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
The only way Ryan stays is if the producers told Emily to keep him and get rid of long haired guy because he adds nothing to the part where this is supposed to be entertaining.
SEAN - baby jesus
ARIE - he has constant "stoned eyes". He's like James Franco hosting the Oscars 24/7
TRAVIS - egg or no egg, he is somehow still here
CHRIS - he's too young
RYAN - he's the Bonnie Raitt of the show, he gives us something to talk about
KALON - wisely hid under the Ryan weirdness this week
ALEJANDRO - see? I like brown people! I'm not racist at all.
And that means long haired guy, and crying Charlie are history. Thank God, let's trim this fat. Travis, Ryan, and Alejandro have no business here either.
Oh, long haired guy's name is Michael. And he's 26, that's too young according to Doug. He sorta cries, but it looks they just filmed him after a big yawn or something.
Charlie looks exactly like Biff Tannen from Back to the Future. Can't believe I'm just seeing this. Well Charlie, make like a tree, and get out of here!
Next week: they go to London. And I'm pretty sure Ryan finally says something even stupider than usual, and Emily tells him to get the fuck out. Well, yeah.