I have no idea how they are stretching this into a 2 hour show, and I'm not looking forward to finding out. I'm going to try to keep this brief, because I'm feeling a lot of stuff we've already seen is about to happen.
Things start off with a prerecorded interview with Emily, telling us things that we already know. Then they show bloopers.
And now, a long promo for the upcoming Bachelor Pad. Wait a minute, super fans are also in the house? My invitation must've gotten lost in the mail.
Two of the contestants on the Pad have contacted me on Twitter. I will have more about that when this show starts.
I've often compared Bachelor Pad to the Road Rules/Real World challenge. And sure enough, this season they've ripped off one of the classic challenge bits: the spelling bee. Every reality show on TV is slowly morphing into the same show.
We are 30 minutes in, and not a single thing has happened.
Finally, the guys are introduced. The biggest change: Ryan is now a black guy.
Seriously, he's become an African American. He's very, very dark, and has at long last connected his beard.
I hate when people's big argument against Kalon is showing up in the helicopter. There's no way that was his call, and there's way bigger reasons to hate him.
Funny moment: Kalon defends himself by saying he made good friends on the show, like Chris (No Lips) and Tony. And then they cut to Chris and Tommy, and they have their heads down, completely ashamed and embarrassed.
Kalon is first on the hot seat. All of the guys yell at him, and they are basically saying that Kalon was just there to be on TV. You're kidding!
Sean looks kinda different too. Maybe a different haircut, maybe stopped doing steroids. Still perfect though. Too perfect, even.
Next stop on the hot seat, the black dude. Ryan. I don't know what it is, but he really makes me laugh. Such a character.
It's really underrated how much of a dick Lipless is. I hate that guy. At least Ryan is funny...and has lips.
Ryan talks about reading through his "journal". Lips and a journal? Yes!
Ryan likes Wolf so much, and Ryan's ex girlfriend is so awesome, that he thinks she and Wolf belong together. Don't know how we ended up learning that, but I'm better for knowing it.
Chris challenges Ryan, saying that he told Arie that "whoever wins, the other is going to be the next Bachelor". Ryan explains that he did have that conversation, and he had it with all of the "frontrunners". But he didn't have it with Chris because he didn't consider him a frontrunner. Yes!
When Chris Harrison ends the interview with Ryan, Ryan says "don't you wanna talk about the trophy wife thing?" I love this guy.
Harrison says there's no way that Ryan will be the Bachelor. Why? Because you don't want entertaining TV? I would be so excited by a Ryan season of the Bachelor. Can you imagine, these dumbshits think Jillian and Ashley were great ideas, but dismiss Ryan? Do they not understand goodness?
Stupid, asshole Chris gets in the hot seat and practically cries. It's like he feels he's more important than the other guys. No one is as serious as he is, in his mind. Gross.
Sean is next. Oh, I think he's just less tan. He must've given it to Ryan. Someone mentioned in the comments that I was a little harsh in calling Sean "boring". You're right, he (and his family) actually did have a sense of humor about things. But when he starts talking about Emily and all of that shit, he is one dull dud.
Finally, Emily comes out in front of the guys. She looks great. Oh God, I hate when they pretend like Chris had a chance with her. He immediately makes it about him, and steals Sean's line about "opening his eyes to love" or whatever. Shut up.
Luckily, Harrison brings up when Emily dumped Doug and he kissed her in the middle of it. Emily uses it as an opportunity to rip on Kalon. Yeah, you may be an awkward weirdo, Doug, but at least you're a rat fink.
Kalon gives Emily a nice apology, and she says "you should be a politician because that's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard". Apparently, Kalon's still been talking shit on twitter. He posted a picture of a "baggage claim" sign, and wrote "I'm surprised Emily Maynard's not here". Hey, that's pretty good.
Kalon: "I'm flattered you follow me on twitter". Now this is a Kalon I can get on board with! Own it, motherfucker.
Emily talks to Ryan about how he's a sweet talker, and he sets a winking record by winking 3 times. He loves nothing better than hearing about how great he is.
And now what? More bloopers! Two separate Emily interviews, two separate blooper reels. Thanks, ABC.
This whole thing really only served 2 purposes: to advertise Bachelor Pad, and tease the finale. And now they are showing the tease for next week's episode, and they don't even show anything good. Jesus.
There's nothing worse in life than when they show the footage of Jef riding the skateboard and play the "surfer" music.
I could've edited this episode down to 15 minutes. Did I say minutes? I meant seconds.
Good night and good riddance.