We're finally here. Fantasy suites. I think when Emily was on Brad's season, she chose to forego the fantasy suite out of respect for Steve Zahn. Will she do the same tonight...or will she have sex with three dudes? Just kidding, Jef is for sure a virgin.
You know what Jef calls a fantasy suite? He calls it "yet another room I will never have sex in".
We are in Curazao, and you have to give it up to Emily - from what she had to choose from, these probably were the 3 best guys, right? Could she have done any better? I think not. No disrespect, Wolf.
Emily's first date is with Sean, who is wearing an extremely deep V. It's very uncomfortable. It's so deep that he'd be showing less chest if he wasn't wearing a shirt at all.
The Bachelor Copter! They've shown amazing restraint on the copter use this year. It flies them from a beach...to another, similar looking beach. That was helpful.
If you ever have insomnia, just listen to Emily and Sean have a conversation. They talk about Sean's past relationships, and his inability to commit to a woman. Emily has faith that he can do it. Of course she does. Because men can be changed, everyone knows that!
At dinner, Sean has written a letter to Ricki. These guys are real letter writers, aren't they? Why is he reading it to Emily, isn't it for Ricki? Kinda rude.
Sean finally says "I love you". Can you really trust that I love you? He knows the fantasy suite card is in her pocket right now.
Someone in the comments last week wondered about so many of the guys saying "I love you" already, and yes, I think this is the fastest it's happened. But you have to remember that Chris was insane, and also an idiot.
Emily pulls out the fantasy suite card. Sean accepts. I guess setting a good example for Ricki is over, and it's time to get some dick!
Wow, Emily really supersized those tits. Hey Ricki, this is how women's bodies are supposed to look.
By the way, their kissing seems awfully tame compared to the tonsil hockey they were playing against the wall that time. A lot of pecks.
BUT WAIT! After kissing in the hot tub, Emily kicks Sean out of the fantasy suite. She's still setting an example, people. So this is less of a fantasy suite and more of a blue balls suite.
Jef is up next. Going from Sean to Jef is like going from Thor to...Jef.
Emily is still scared that Jef's family has not approved of girls in the past. Translation: Jef's family is Mormon and she used to watch "Big Love" and she's sketchy about the whole thing.
Part of the problem of Emily picking the right guys is that nothing interesting happens. We need a Courtney to spice things up.
They swim and kiss and Jef is in love. Are Mormons allowed to masturbate? Cause Jef is going to wish he could when he's alone in his hotel room later.
Jef asks Emily: "if we end up together, where would you like to live?" Emily lies and says she would move to wherever he is. Such bullshit. She'll never leave Charlotte. And she's certainly not going to leave for Jef and Salt Lake City. "Jazz games and churches of latter day saints, oh my!"
Jef begins a question, "Emily, you know Ricki better than anyone...". I don't know why, but that makes me laugh a lot.
Okay, a lot to dive into here. Emily brings out the fantasy suite card. Jef: "That's a tough question to ask. I think it would be awesome to forego our individual rooms and spend some time in a fantasy suite together...but you're daughter is going to be watching this, and my family is going to be watching this".
New rule: no more Mormons on reality shows! We're not watching for good behavior, we're watching for fucking. I'm starting to think that Emily isn't a perfect match for Jef, but you know who might be?
Seriously. They're right for each other. They're both virgins, they both look like Steve Zahn, they both look up to Emily like a mother.
All right, the final date is with Ari. Ricki would get the wrong idea if Emily spent the night with someone, but she's cool with her making out with every guy she sees.
They go swimming with dolphins. But really, they just kiss the entire time. "Miss Maynard, the reason I called you down here is that your daughter is kissing every boy in school. She said she learned it by watching you".
At dinner, Ari goes on and on about his awesome bachelor lifestyle and Emily doesn't like hearing it. He sleeps in 'till 9am! He goes out for dinner every night! What a dick. You should be respecting Ricki and never leaving your house, you jerk.
Emily announces that she'd be "so happy" to move to Scottsdale. I just don't feel like Emily could be happy moving to another city, especially with Ari, when he's traveling around every weekend. And then Emily is all alone in Arizona with no friends. I don't see it happening. And also, Ari's face is really oily.
Ari says something weird about how Emily makes him feel like the man in the relationship and no one has ever done that before. And then he does this:
Emily does that weird thing where she pretends that Ari is really good looking. In a twist, she doesn't even give Ari the fantasy suite card. Apparently, Ari is too much of a temptation for her. She cries to us about it.
Emily looks at video messages from the guys before she makes her decision. Pretty interesting final rose ceremony here. They didn't do that usual thing of setting up the possible flaws or problems with the guys. All of the dates just went extremely well. Very weird.
And Emily says the same thing. The guy she's eliminating has no idea it's coming because everything went so great. This could be the perfect storm of tears.
I'm thinking it has to be Jef. First of all, he's 12 years old. Secondly, his hair. Third, the only hint of anything problematic in this episode was the doubt about his Mormonism, er, family.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
JEF - whoa! Upset city right out of the gate.
Now I have to think it's Sean...
ARI - yep.
Unreal. You know what killed Sean, don't you? Too perfect! The too perfect label strikes again. Sean goes on the too perfect junk heap with Doug and the patron saint of perfect, Jake the fake pilot.
It feels...wrong. Ari vs. Sean is a cool matchup. Jef just isn't believable to me. He's a sweet guy, sure, but she's not gonna marry that guy and his creepy family.
I did say that those Emily/Sean kisses did not look good. Something was different. She also didn't ask him about living in Dallas, and she talked to the other guys about moving to their cities.
Also, as I wrote above, Sean had nothing interesting to say. He wasn't fun or entertaining. He's perfect looking, he's nice, but a lady wants to laugh!
Sean has to be looked at as a future Bachelor, but I will go on record right now as not liking that idea. He will attract hot looking ladies, but he's got no personality. An Irwin wants to laugh!
It should be noted that Sean sells insurance for a living. It also should be noted how ginormous Emily's boobs look right now.
Next week: The Men tell all! And Chris claims this is "the most emotional season ever!" And for the finale, they hint that Emily chooses neither of them. The ol' Kelly Taylor "I choose me" routine, I love it. But we'll see, I think it's Ari.