Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted. The Finale.

They're stealing my Sunday night. 3 hours? On my Sunday night? Not cool, Bachelorette, not cool at all.

Well, this is where it ends. Arie or Jef? Neither? Let's find out, for Ricki's sake.

Things begin "Live", with Chris Harrison and a studio audience in LA. He talks about how this is the most dramatic finale ever, and then says he wants to take a moment for the people in Aurora, Colorado. What?! Crazy left turn there, Chris. Especially after that whole "most dramatic" comment.

Emily is still in Curacao, and now so is her family. Jef is first up to meet them. Emily's mom's voice can best be described as a more manly Barry White.

Emily's Mom brings up the very real issue of Emily and Lil' Steve Zahn being "tied at the hip", and they need a guy who won't be jealous of them. Maybe Emily and Ricki should just get married. They'd probably have more sex than Emily and Jef will.


Emily's brother is every bit the backwoods hillbilly you'd expect. His name is Ernie, but I'm shocked it's not Cletus. I must applaud the producer's restraint in not playing banjo music right now.


Cletus says that the problem with Emily's relationships is that the guys try to live up to the dead fiance. Actually, I think that's more Emily's issue.


Jesus, for some reason they make Jef go one on one with every family member. I wonder if they always do this, and this is just the first time they've showed each one. To no one's surprise, Jef is good at charming these people. Come on, it would be impossible for anyone's family to feel like Jef is some kind of threat. It's like sending your daughter off with one of the not cute Jonas brothers.


Next, it's Arie's turn. And thank God they've forced them to stay in Curacao for two weeks because Arie needed the tan. He almost looks alive.



Emily'a dad isn't sure why they even need to meet another guy after Jef. I'd feel the same way. I only want my daughter to be with virgins.



Arie got Emily's family a present - a bunch of dead roses. Sweet! They're the roses Emily has given to him. I'm sure that's real special to them. Maybe they can make some potpourri.


Cletus is concerned that Arie is too refined in the way of fancy talk. He's never heard someone speak in complete sentences before. Despite his hesitancy over Arie's smoothness, he does think that he has a "purty mouth".



When I say Cletus talks out of the side of his mouth, I mean he literally talks out of the side of his mouth. He must be wondering why it isn't he and Emily getting married #westvirginia #incest


Just as I write that, I notice that Cletus' fiance looks a helluva a lot like Emily.


Emily says she needs her whole family "to figure out who is the best fit for me".  Just by that statement alone, your best fit is Jef.


Her family loves both guys. Cletus says that he thinks his sister "wants a black and white answer from us". I think he means that the family wishes one of the guys was black so they could tell her to pick the white one.


Emily doesn't want to be the girl who has gotten engaged 3 times. Now we know who her perfect man is: Ross Geller.


After each commercial break, they cut back to Chris Harrison and the studio audience. And every time I get sad for myself because 98% of the audience are ladies.


Last date time. Jef is first. I know there's a lot of Jef love, and he seems like a fine lad. I like him. But there is something odd about him. He's so controlled. Almost not human, which in some ways is good, cause Doug was really, really human and that was the problem. But I don't know, who is this guy? Does he get angry? Does he laugh? I hate to make the obvious Mormon comparison, but there's a bit of Mitt in this dude.


Then, as a "surprise", Emily reveals that she would like Jef to meet Ricki. They go to a swimming pool and the introduction is made. I feel so uncomfortable, so much pressure! Jef sits and forces some conversation with a kid who doesn't give a fuck.


Jef appears to have a tattoo on his wrist, don't know what it is. Looks like an autograph.


They all spend the whole day together, and I can't help but think that with this much screen time, the real Steve Zahn will somehow get a career resurgence.


Here's a question: is it possible that Jef is just really good at saying the right thing in uncomfortable situations (ie, a camera is on you, talk about your feelings)?


Jef gives her a book of pictures. No dead roses? Well, it's the thought that counts.


I'd be worried if I were Emily - you can't know if someone is marriage material until you've had sex with them.


Back to Chris Harrison in studio, and suddenly an ask the audience segment starts. What the hell? They are really filling time here.


We return to Curacao, and now Emily is talking to Chris Harrison because "he's been there". Yeah, and look how well that has gone. In a very convoluted way, Emily tells Chris that she wants to be with Jef, and is done with Arie. She's in love with Jef "on a different level" than Arie.



Whoa. The biggest surprise of this is that this comes at the 1 hour, 15 minute mark. Unprecedented!


She doesn't even want to go on the date with Arie. She's just going to dump him.


Obviously, Ricki forced their hand here. They would never normally do this, but Emily (and the Bachelorette producers) didn't want to introduce Ricki to 2 different dudes. But you have to wonder: what will we do for the next 45 minutes?


Arie's date begins by meeting an old, chubby island woman. Wow, what a mean way to tell him it's over. She helps him make a love potion. Or as he's about to know it, a ruin your life potion. Then, on voice over, they clearly make Arie say a bunch of stuff he will later regret about he and Emily are going to get married.


Emily shows up, looking all depressed. Emily asks him how he is like 20 times. Arie excitedly shows her the potion and Emily breaks down in tears. Emily hates love potions!, thinks Arie.



Emily begins her speech, and says something extra hurtful: she knew that it was just going to be her and Arie the whole time, and now she doesn't think so. I liked you the most, and then Jef came in and totally was better than you.

It's pretty clear that Emily had hinted to Arie earlier on that she was going to pick him. And then along came the Stormin' Mormon...



Arie is shocked. Hard to feel too bad, Arie is going to get ridiculous amounts of pussy after this. And none of them will have "baggage".


Arie does the right thing and quickly splits. He says "you're not gonna get the goodbye you want". Yes! Exactly. Emily wanted to be made to feel better, and he wasn't having it.


Back to the Live set, and the audience is "deeply affected". Maybe they wouldn't be so sad if Chris hadn't reminded them of the shooting in Colorado.


Chris interviews stupid Ashley, who has 3rd row seats in the audience. JP is with her, along with DeAnna (Blinky). Also, Ashley S. is there, what is going on?! What's the point of the After the Final Rose show if we are doing this already? Get on with it!


Emily: "I always said that I wanted a guy with a little bit of an edge...and Jef has that". Ha! Enjoy your after dinner Lemonades from now on. What a bad boy.


I have a theory about couples and relationships, and I won't bore you with it. But I think it's safe to say that Emily could never be with a guy like Brad. She needs to be the dominant figure in every relationship, she needs a Jef. But I don't know, he might surprise her. And not in a good way (for her).


Jef buys a ring, but Emily is implying that she's not going to accept it.

Jef approaches, and Emily tells him the good news. Arie is history. Jef gives his big speech about love, then gets down on one knee and pops the question.


Emily says yes.


It was all a big trick. I guess they were trying to give us one surprise since the Arie thing happened so early. In a strange choice, the producers pipe in the sound of the studio audience applauding. It feels like an old episode of a sitcom taped in front of a live studio audience. Joannie loves Chachi.


Then they play an Emily and Jef montage, set to the sweet sounds of Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love". Steve Zahn comes out and they walk off together, hand in hand. Where's Cletus and the sister wives?


This is all gonna go well until Jef announces that it's against his religion to perform cunnilingus. 



AFTER THE FINAL ROSE


Chris promises some "shocking secrets". Doubt it.


Arie comes out. He looks good. A lot of makeup, good lighting. He says he was completely taken by surprise. He wisely brings up their "physical side". Suck on that, Jef!

Arie tells us that after he went home, he was depressed and confused. So he flew to Charlotte to see Emily. But then he thought better of it, and just called her. He wrote a journal during the show and left it at her doorstep and asked her to read it. Jesus, move on, man! You're scaring everyone.


Emily didn't read the journal "out of respect to Arie, and Jef too". I don't blame her. Journals suck.


Interesting fact: Arie says Jef was his best friend on the show, and called him a lot after the show ended. However, this kind of contradicts Arie's story about not knowing what happened and how much she loved Jef.


Jef comes out. Chris asks him what is so great about Emily, and he struggles for awhile to name something. Emily says "I don't want to be the girl who gets engaged a million times" a million times.


Jef says "the first thing I want to do now that everyone knows is" and he kisses her. Sorry pal, she did plenty of that with Arie before anyone knew.


Jef announces that he and Emily are going to Africa to do humanitarian work. Welcome to your future, Emily! Chris, at long last, asks where they are going to live. Jef says "we think the best thing is that I move to Charlotte".


HA HA HA.

Wait, let me say that again. HA HA HA.

Did I predict this? I think I did. There was no way she was ever leaving Charlotte, especially not for Salt Lake City. Hilarious. And I also love how he said "we decided". Yeah, we. Emily and Ricki.

That's it. Thanks for the great season. And sweet Lord, I will see you TOMORROW night for the start of the Bachelor Pad. It never really ends, does it?


Goodnight!