I'm so sad the Olympics are over, but you're not. You're ecstatic. Why? Because now I'm forced to focus completely on The Pad!
Seems like every season, these idiots fail to get rid of the "power couples". And here we are again. Reid was kicked off last week, and Ed was saved. Much to the delight of Jaclyn, who says "On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm on cloud 9". I thought she was on cloud disgusting.
Chris Harrison comes in after the vote and has everyone fill out surveys. The reason: they're gonna do the newlywed game tomorrow, and they must halt the cheating! If you're new, last year they did this and the couples cheated by deciding on certain numbers and names to say every time so they'd always be on the same page. You know you're sad when you've been outsmarted by the people on this show.
Kalon is once again doing my job for me, he says, "every question is pretty much who is the ugliest, who is the smartest, who is the fattest. So every answer is me or Erica". Yes!.
The women go first. The quiz isn't that great. These are the best questions they could come up with? The best we get is that Nick said that the woman in the house who had accomplished the least was Blakely. Hey, she served cocktails to VIPs! That's big time stuff.
Then the guys go, and Michael and Ed seem to know a crazy amount of Bachelor history. Fun Fact: Blakely says that she has had sex with 10 men. But then she interviews to us, "I totally lied". No shit! She put the cock in cocktail.
Ed wins. I have to say, this segment was horribly produced and edited. Just brutal. I can think of a million great questions, and they asked none of them.
I'm loving Kalon on here, but he will not be able to be on this show ever again. When they see what he's doing and saying, his Pad career is over.
For the date, Jaclyn chooses Ed. Sarah can't believe it, because she's an idiot. It's very strange, is she the only one who doesn't know they've been hooking up? Her argument seems to be "I had sex with him first".
They go to Dodger stadium, and get way too excited about it. What are you gonna do there? Well, I'll tell you. They sing the national anthem. Take batting practice. Run the bases. Then they share a foot long together. That's the 17th wiener Jaclyn's had in her mouth since the show started.
Since Ed also won the challenge and got picked for Jaclyn's, he doesn't get a date. They now get to give a rose to a guy, who will be saved, and get to pick someone to go on a date with.
Have I mentioned that Lipless is the biggest tool in the world? Who would date him after this performance?
And how is Jamie so pathetic and sad? I don't understand how an attractive person gets like that. She's cute with a nice body, and yet she's acting like she looks like Jaclyn.
Chris sums it up perfectly: "Being in bed with Jamie has it's benefits and it's disadvantages, I mean, she's a very pretty girl, but at the same time, she's a yapper". Okay, that's a good one. "A yapper", awesome.
When Jamie watches this episode, she's going to commit suicide. Well, if she had any respect for herself, she would.
Ed and Jaclyn announce that they are giving the rose to Chris. Apparently, Ed "loves" Chris. He also loves Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, and ugly girls.
In a spectacular move, for his date Chris chooses Sarah. Ha! Blakely and Jamie are enraged. Is he trying to go home? At least he's doing interesting things.
Somehow Lipless gets Jamie to say to him "I feel so bad for you". She thinks Chris is
protecting her from Blakely. Holy crap, this is really getting bad. Can Jamie's loved ones please check her house right now? Check the bathtub.
Chris and Sarah's date is making an action movie. Immediately, Sarah falls in love with Lipless too! I will never understand women. They are dumb. This is irrefutable, smoking gun evidence.
Back at the house, Ed gets to give out a rose to a girl. He decides to give it to Rachel, because that's the alliance.
It's impossible for me to possibly document all of the stupid, sad things coming out of Jamie's mouth. It's astounding. There's no way she's not going to the garage, getting in her car, turning it on, and waiting for the sweet relief of death. You can't watch yourself be like this and live a normal life. Honestly, if I was a producer on this show, I wouldn't have been able to do this to someone. It is officially cruel.
While she is saying how much she loves Chris and how loyal he is, we watch as Chris and Sarah get a hotel room and fuck each other's brains out. Keep in mind, about 2 nights ago, Sarah fucked Ed. Sloppy seconds is a foreign expression to the Pad residents.
Tony is flying way under the radar right now.
The voting begins. David has a vote against him already, so he starts working the girls. Smart. Because they are very easily worked.
He comes up with a scheme where he tries to get them to vote for Nick, while he promises to always vote for them. I don't think this is gonna work. Mostly because Jamie is the biggest piece of shit in the world.
I like Michael, but I kind of hate him in his role as the Michael Corleone of the house. Actually, he's like the Billy Beane, with his moneyball esque strategies. This guy is all about on base percentages and viability of Blakely.
However, he doesn't realize how cuckoo Kalon is. That could be the fly in the ointment. Kalon and Lipless are giggling about how they're gonna fuck everyone over. Yey, we're assholes!
Lipless wants everyone to vote off Blakely because she's finally realized that he's a jerk. Plus, he knows he can control Jamie because she is pathetic. But the Michael alliance doesn't want that, because Blakely will do whatever they say.
Awesome sequence: Lipless thinks Kalon is his best bud, and he trusts him the most. After Kalon says a thousand times that he's gonna vote against Blakely, he votes for Jamie. Never get into an alliance with the American Psycho.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
It's down to: Jamie vs. Blakely, and David vs. Nick. Going home are:
David and Jamie.
Now Lipless has to know that Kalon is a liar. So is Ed. He realizes he's on his own. Now he's screwed, it's only a matter of time. Who would've thought making all of the girls hate you would backfire?
Michael: "Chris has been going around starting fires in girl's pants". That has to mean he's giving them the clap, right?
David cries in the limo. Man, he really is a fan. And gay. "Leaving the house is probably the saddest thing I ever do". Wait 'till he finds out that Jamie is dead.