Sorry, folks. It was a crazy two weeks. A stressful, fun, amazing, depressing, awesome two weeks. But you'll get to see the fruits of my labor on November 7th, on ABC, the very same network of the Pad!
But I'm back, fully focused on the goings on of said Pad.
First things first: Rachel has her bangs pulled back! And just as I suspected, she looks great. It's amazing that someone could look in the mirror and not understand what's happening with their own hair and face. Somewhere, Maggie Gyllenhaal is nodding sadly.
4 couples are left. And honestly, I think we're going to be severely unhappy if any of them win. They're all terrible. Blakely and Tony? No, thanks. Lipless and Sarah? Fuck no! Ed and Jaclyn? Seriously, this is what we're dealing with. Yikes.
Harrison announces that at the next competition, the winner gets to send another couple home. The competition? "Hanging by a Thread". Roughly translated, it involves some kind of trapeze thing that hangs over the pool. They have to answer Bachelor trivia, if they miss, their partner gets dumped into the pool.
Nick and Rachel are the only couple to pick the guy to answer the questions. There's a strength element to this, and apparently they didn't understand that and sent Rachel up to hang. Finally, something a personal trainer could do well and they don't take advantage of it.
Incidentally, if I had to hang, I sure as hell wouldn't want Blakely deciding my fate with her brain. The only brain she's good at is giving it.
This pic goes out to all of the Rachel haters...
Question 1: who was the first person in a bikini this season? Answer: Donna. Aw, remember Donna? Second question: who is from the earliest season? Answer: Erica. Blakely and Jaclyn get it wrong.
Sure enough, Blakely gets pretty much all of them wrong and Tony is left to hang. Much like his parenting, he doesn't hang around long. He goes into the pool. He's followed by Ed and Rachel.
Lipless wins. Shit. How is this happening? Where are you when we need you, God?
Hey, can you guess why Tony is here? It's because of his kid. He has one. A son. He really loves him, except for the 90% of the year he's spending on reality shows trying to fuck people.
Before Lipless announces who they are getting rid of, he makes a speech. He claims that he's just been playing the game like everyone else. Well, except for when he'd sleep with people while telling America that they were awful sluts. That wasn't for the game, that was just for fun.
After explaining what a great guy he is, he singles out his only friend on the show, Tony, the father, and kicks his ass to the curb.
Blakely cries her eyes out. She hasn't been this upset since Hooters changed the wings' secret sauce. She hasn't been this upset since she was demoted from VIP cocktail waitress to regular cocktail waitress. She hasn't been this upset since her fake tits got real tan lines. She hasn't been this upset since she had to settle for Tony.
This is when the show transitions into "we need the money more than they do". You all need the money, idiots! You have no employable skills and America hates you. And some of you look like Jaclyn.
The next competition is at the Palladium. Night Ranger, who sing "Sister Christian", are there playing. And Ed is fucking blown away! He's so excited. It's hilarious. I feel like Marty Macfly right now, because we just traveled back to 1985. Night Ranger?!
The couples have to perform the song in front of an audience, and Night Ranger will be judging them. What this has to do with anything, I don't know. But it's Night Ranger! At least Ed is stoked.
Chris is already nervous. If his singing skills are half as good as his dancing skills, so he should be.
Weird. All of their vocal coaches are from "Glee". They know this is a different network, right? Memo to ABC: get the people who are working on "Nashville", stat.
Chris thinks they have an advantage because they've "won the last 2 competitions". And he says Sarah can't sing. Holy shit, what an asshole. First of all, what you've done in the other competitions has nothing to do with your ability to sing. Second of all, you suck at singing. Who knew you needed lips to belt out Sister Christian? But the worst part is that he thinks he's good and Sarah is the problem.
"Too bad I'm not there, I'd own this competition", says Wes, as he sits alone in his motor home.
"If I was there I'd write my own lyrics", says Kasey, as he gets ready to go back for another semester at the school for the deaf.
I'm predicting Ed will win this, only because he's stupid enough to completely not give a fuck and just let it all hang loose. Plus, you know he has to be completely sauced.
Nick and Rachel go first. Rachel uses her husky, manish voice to her advantage. But really it's just bad singing. Nick is actually a little better. For some reason, the other idiots are surprised by this because "they're not a real couple". As if that has anything to do with anything. Ed criticizes the choreography. Ha.
Ed and Jaclyn are up next. Jaclyn immediately screws up and says the "F word" and asks to start over. They both forget the lyrics. It's uncomfortable. So much for my pick. They do resort to humping though. That's the only thing they're good at.
There are black people there!
Despite not getting one lyric correct, Jaclyn says that they "recovered nicely".
And finally, it's Chris and Sarah's turn. Chris' voice is in the register of frog voice. And his dancing...oh Lord, no improvement there. Sarah might be even worse. Like, if you were showing up late to this thing and saw Sarah, you'd think they let a retarded person on stage. And then they'd see Jaclyn and it would be confirmed.
Ed describes Sarah's dancing as "a monkey being electrocuted".
The "judges" rule that the winner is Nick and Rachel. Thank you. Now they get to decide who they face in the finale. Unfortunately, you usually want to pick the couple that everyone who was on the show hates. This would seem to mean that they're gonna pick Lipless. Not good.
Nick tries to talk Rachel into it, but she's not into it because Jaclyn is her bud. But he is right. And he's relentless about it. This dude is a personal trainer and he's staring $125k in the face, he is not fucking around right now.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
The couple going home is...ED and JACLYN.
Bummer. Chris is celebrating like he got picked because he has an awesome chance to win.
He is still in it though. Who would vote for him to win? Who?! I demand to know. Cause he is the worst.
The good news is, Jaclyn looks so pretty when she cries. She's pissed and feels betrayed and Rachel feels terrible, but come on, it was the only move to make. Stop pretending like it wasn't.
Next week: Michael becomes a dick! Rachel loses her mind! And Chris Harrison calls it "the most shocking, most disturbing finale of Bachelor Pad ever!!!"