We begin with the twins. Henceforth known as the Jersey Shore Twins. For some reason, they scream at each other constantly. It is not explained why. Then they hug and laugh. Oh, and everyone in the house hates them. This shouldn't be surprising since everyone in the Jersey Shore house hated them too, and the people in the Jersey Shore house are the worst human beings on Earth. Yes, even worse than Blakely.
Synchronization!!! Tonight on the Pad, in honor of the Olympics, everyone will be doing rhythmic gymnastics. Thanks for reminding us that we are idiots and should be watching the Olympics right now.
Erica's version of rhythmic gymnastics can best be described as "Elaine Benes Dancing".
Everyone sucks except for Donna, the fan with the butt and the boobs. She wants to win so she can have groupie sex with Michael.
Lipless is so gross, I don't get it and I'm angry about it. Stop liking him.
Things just got worse: judging the competition is stupid Ashley and the likeable JP. Another judge: Tasha Schwikert. She has a bronze medal, allegedly. I will enjoy those deliberations. While Tasha considers tenth of a point deductions, and yellow range scoring, Ashley will have her awful bangs (she actually doesn't have her bangs anymore, but to me, they're like 9/11, never forget).
The girls go first and they are unbelievably bad. It made all of them 50 percent less attractive in my mind.
The men are better. They understood the situation and embraced it. Michael in particular, let it all hang out there, but then I remembered he was a breakdancer back in the day. So he grew up embarrassing himself.
Not surprisingly, Erica gets voted the worst. That means she has a vote against her at elimination. Ed is voted the worst of the guys.
The winners are Blakely and Michael. Tasha calls him "brilliant". No wonder she won the bronze, her standards are far too low.
Donna calls Michael her "perfect guy". She's been in love with him since she saw him on Jillian's season. She says back home she can get any single guy she wants, but Michael doesn't even notice her. Um, yeah he does. Last week he kept you around "for physical reasons".
Funny conversation between Michael and Erica where Erica completely hears something she wants to hear. She thinks he's going to choose her for the date to save her, which he is completely not going to do. Instead, he chooses Donna, Lindzi, and Rachel.
Lyndzi? Still don't get it.
On the date, they go to a concert for some band. It's so awkward because they populate the show with random people, but like, not enough for a legitimate concert. So it just looks weird. They should go back to their old formula of it being awkward for just the people on the date.
Judging from the crowd, this band's fan base is old, fat, weirdos.
You can tell Michael hates the band and wishes this was a Run-DMC concert.
Sort of shocking: Michael is dancing with the girls, and then all of the sudden he and Rachel make out. Yes! Finally, a Michael we can all enjoy. Well, except for Donna.
It's Jamie's birthday. And Ryan gets her presents and it is uncomfortable for everyone. Cause first of all, she likes Lipless. Secondly, Ryan is gay and we all know it. Ass sex doesn't count as still having your virginity.
Donna shows Michael a drawing she made of him, and it's funny yet sort of good. So he decides to give her a "present" back, by allowing her to make out with him. What a guy! It's very tonguey.
UGH. Chris hangs out with Jamie, while telling us how he's "playing the game". Then Jamie says to him "I can't believe you like me so much". Everything about that is gross.
The best part about this Michael date is that Lindzi is completely not involved in it at all.
Lipless tells us that being a whore is something that you have to do. He says this while we see him making out with Blakely. I'm not sure which one of them he is talking about, so I'm going to assume it's both.
Jamie tells us how Lipless is so into her and hates Blakely, then walks in on Lipless making out with Blakely. She cries. Happy birthday!
It is unclear what Lipless was thinking here. Jamie and Blakely sleep in bunk beds! This guy is the worst strategist I've ever seen. He'd be laughed off of Survivor or even For the Love of Ray J.
For the date, Blakely chooses Chris, Ed, and Dave, the fan. Dave cries. Man, the fans are making us all look bad.
Why is no one seeing how dorky Lipless is? He is a straight up dork.
They go soap box racing. Afterwards, they go to a house that Dave tells us that Jillian once stayed in. Jeez, this guy is a fan. And a crazy person. He tries some voo doo shit on Blakey to get her to give him the rose. He uses info gleaned from watching her season!
But alas, she gives the rose to Lipless, because every decision Blakely has ever made has been wrong.
They go back to the Pad, and the party gets started. They quick cut over the fact that Erica and Donna are making out. That should be a whole show on it's own, and they gave it 2 seconds of air time. Unreal.
Pretty sure Ed is an alcoholic. Not kidding. He needs help.
Sarah says that Ed "reminds me of myself...he's so overly confident and good looking". What?! He repeatedly yells about his pickle (that's what he named his boxcar, and evidently, his penis). He reminds me of Fun Bobby from Friends.
They're also glossing over the fact that Kalon and Lindzi are now clearly a couple.
The twins start fighting with each other again, and this seems to go on for hours. One of the twins wants to leave. The other twin wants to hang out with Dave. She says an emotional goodbye to him, and he's sleeping and doesn't care. It's really an annoying segment. Fucking 10 minutes of this, and 2 seconds of Erica and Donna kissing? Um, excuse me? Does anyone there know how to make TV?
When Dave is told that the twins have left, he says "I can't believe they didn't talk to me first". Ha.
While it seems obvious that Dave is going home, Kalon decides that Ryan "bugs" him. Translation: Kalon hates black people. So he tells Lindzi to get all the girls to vote off Ryan
Reid suddenly gets fired up, and makes an attempt to get Ed voted out. This is only interesting because no one seems to realize that Kalon is having influence here. But now people are wary of the Chris/Ed power duo. Which is as stupid as it sounds.
In an awesome move, Sarah TELLS Ed that she has voted against him tonight. And last night? Well, she fucked him!
Sarah cries about it and says it wasn't smart and she feels she's smarter than that. You're not! You thought Chad was Brad. And also you had sex with Ed.
You know how you hear about these cults, like Charles Manson and shit, and wonder who the people are that get sucked into stuff like that? I give you Sarah.
THE PERSON GOING HOME IS...
Ryan.
If you're not going to have sex, there's really no reason for you to be here. Now please, never appear on any of the Bachelor shows again.
Next week: Ed vs. Reid.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Swimming Medals Are Stupid
Later this week, there is a chance that Lebron James will become the most decorated Olympic athlete in history. If the ball bounces his way, he will surpass Larisa Latynina and Michael Phelps in total medals.
He will no doubt win another medal for the Dream Team in the team event.
And then he will look to win his second consecutive gold in both the one on one competition and the dunk contest. The real challenge will be in the 3 on 3 finals, where he, Chris Paul, and Tyson Chandler have to go up against the other American team - Deron Williams, Kevin Durant, and Kevin Love. Regardless, he's sure to medal there as well.
And then there's the 3-Man weave, where France has a surprisingly strong squad, along with China and Argentina.
Of course, he could pull an upset in the 3 point competition or the Free Throw contest, and don't forget the 2 on 2 and the 4 on 4. But what about the chest pass competition!
And the layup line duel, and the jump ball-a-thon, and we haven't brought up the relays yet...
He will no doubt win another medal for the Dream Team in the team event.
And then he will look to win his second consecutive gold in both the one on one competition and the dunk contest. The real challenge will be in the 3 on 3 finals, where he, Chris Paul, and Tyson Chandler have to go up against the other American team - Deron Williams, Kevin Durant, and Kevin Love. Regardless, he's sure to medal there as well.
And then there's the 3-Man weave, where France has a surprisingly strong squad, along with China and Argentina.
Of course, he could pull an upset in the 3 point competition or the Free Throw contest, and don't forget the 2 on 2 and the 4 on 4. But what about the chest pass competition!
And the layup line duel, and the jump ball-a-thon, and we haven't brought up the relays yet...
PorkSword72
I still play video games. Sometimes, I go online and play against others. When you go online, you have a screen name that is usually not your own name. One time, while playing Call of Duty, I kept getting killed by a young man known as PorkSword72.
It always made me laugh. I looked forward to getting killed just to see the name of PorkSword72 up on the screen.
For some reason, I dedicated a lot of thought about that name. I analyzed it. And I've come up with several reasons why it is so funny and how it possibly came to be.
The first option is that the gentleman named PorkSword was born in 1972, hence the 72. This is funny because it means that a 40 year old man named himself PorkSword.
The second option is that there are 71 other PorkSwords out there (at least!). I don't think I need to explain why this is pretty great.
And the third option is that PorkSword72 actually wanted to be PorkSword69. I don't think that's much of a leap to make. When you're thinking of yourself as a PorkSword, the thought of a 69 is really close by.
This is the funniest of all scenarios to me. It means that PorkSword was so dying to be PorkSword69, that he was okay with being PorkSword72, cause it's kinda close. It's only 3 away from 69, after all.
It also means that two other people had the same logic. "Well, it's not 69, but PorkSword70 is still damn close".
But the whole point of 69 is that it's actually 69! Numbers nearby don't count! It's not the amount, it's the shape of the 6 and the 9. You could make an argument for PorkSword96. A damn good argument. But 70, 71, 72? No. That doesn't work.
But that's how much the wanted to be PorkSword69, they would take PorkSword69 adjacent.
It always made me laugh. I looked forward to getting killed just to see the name of PorkSword72 up on the screen.
For some reason, I dedicated a lot of thought about that name. I analyzed it. And I've come up with several reasons why it is so funny and how it possibly came to be.
The first option is that the gentleman named PorkSword was born in 1972, hence the 72. This is funny because it means that a 40 year old man named himself PorkSword.
The second option is that there are 71 other PorkSwords out there (at least!). I don't think I need to explain why this is pretty great.
And the third option is that PorkSword72 actually wanted to be PorkSword69. I don't think that's much of a leap to make. When you're thinking of yourself as a PorkSword, the thought of a 69 is really close by.
This is the funniest of all scenarios to me. It means that PorkSword was so dying to be PorkSword69, that he was okay with being PorkSword72, cause it's kinda close. It's only 3 away from 69, after all.
It also means that two other people had the same logic. "Well, it's not 69, but PorkSword70 is still damn close".
But the whole point of 69 is that it's actually 69! Numbers nearby don't count! It's not the amount, it's the shape of the 6 and the 9. You could make an argument for PorkSword96. A damn good argument. But 70, 71, 72? No. That doesn't work.
But that's how much the wanted to be PorkSword69, they would take PorkSword69 adjacent.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Kinda Weird
How no one seems to care that we cured AIDS
.
You'd think that would be on the news or something. But hey, Kristen Stewart totally cheated on the guy she never would admit to dating who has a midget head, and that does take priority.
You'd think that would be on the news or something. But hey, Kristen Stewart totally cheated on the guy she never would admit to dating who has a midget head, and that does take priority.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
A Slice of Irwin's Life
(this post has no real meaning, it's just something that happened, and seems to happen to me quite frequently)
I went to a bar last night to meet a friend. I got there early. The bar had stools, and most of them were taken. I walked around, and then spotted a free one, though I didn't even really consider sitting in it, it was just an open spot to order a drink from.
The couple next to the empty stool was an old man, and a young black woman. I'm not going to tell you that she was a hooker, but she was a hooker. Because he was old and gross. And she was young and sort of attractive, in an escorty way.
That doesn't matter. What matters is that in the empty stool next to her was her purse. And as I walked up to order my drink, she looked at me. And then she grabbed the empty stool and pulled it towards her, implying that I was absolutely not welcome to sit there.
But in pulling the stool, it made a very loud, annoying noise as it dragged across the hardwood floor. I turned and looked at it, then at her. She was caught. I gave her a "fuck you" stare, because clearly she believed her purse needed a rest more than I did. Reverse Rosa Parks!
Anyway, I ordered my drink. I stood there, and I drank it. 10 minutes later, a guy in a very tight shirt wedges himself between me and the stool. He orders a drink.
He isn't there for more than 3 seconds before the gross old man sees him standing there and says, "Hey! You need a seat? There's an empty one here if you want it. We're not using it".
Let me be clear: he did not know the man next to me. He just saw him standing, and offered him the seat. The question is why was it not offered to me. The answer is very simple:
Because these are the things that happen to me.
Let me assure you, I do not smell. I wear a quality deodorant. I dress appropriately, never outrageous, never poorly. I'm an average man, in every way. And perhaps that is the problem.
Average guys don't get asked to sit next to hookers.
The couple next to the empty stool was an old man, and a young black woman. I'm not going to tell you that she was a hooker, but she was a hooker. Because he was old and gross. And she was young and sort of attractive, in an escorty way.
That doesn't matter. What matters is that in the empty stool next to her was her purse. And as I walked up to order my drink, she looked at me. And then she grabbed the empty stool and pulled it towards her, implying that I was absolutely not welcome to sit there.
But in pulling the stool, it made a very loud, annoying noise as it dragged across the hardwood floor. I turned and looked at it, then at her. She was caught. I gave her a "fuck you" stare, because clearly she believed her purse needed a rest more than I did. Reverse Rosa Parks!
Anyway, I ordered my drink. I stood there, and I drank it. 10 minutes later, a guy in a very tight shirt wedges himself between me and the stool. He orders a drink.
He isn't there for more than 3 seconds before the gross old man sees him standing there and says, "Hey! You need a seat? There's an empty one here if you want it. We're not using it".
Let me be clear: he did not know the man next to me. He just saw him standing, and offered him the seat. The question is why was it not offered to me. The answer is very simple:
Because these are the things that happen to me.
Let me assure you, I do not smell. I wear a quality deodorant. I dress appropriately, never outrageous, never poorly. I'm an average man, in every way. And perhaps that is the problem.
Average guys don't get asked to sit next to hookers.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Bachelor Pad. Season 3. Ep 1.
Back to back nights? Yep. Hey, at least I'm getting paid for this. Oh.
Let's meet the new members of the pad...
LIPLESS. It appears from the previews that he is going to emerge as a strong personality on this show. I find that weird because he could barely talk to Emily without breaking down in tears. He tells us that he's most excited to meet Lindzi, from Ben's season. What?
LINDZI. I forgot she made it to the final 2 in Ben's season. By the way, whatever happened to Ben and Courtney? Why weren't they at the "After the Final Rose" last night? They must want to keep that Courtney stink away from Emily.
REID. Back again for another try. How crazy is it that he got denied TWICE by Jillian? That is embarrassing.
ED. Remember him? He "won" the Bachelorette. Unfortunately, winning involved sleeping with Jillian. But he did cheat on her, which is respectable.
BLAKELY. The VIP Hooters cocktail waitress. Wait, she says she's had an epiphany! And now she's a professional waxer. She removes hair from taints for a living. That was her epiphany. Oh Blakely, I've missed you.
JACLYN. She's from Ben's season. Okay, this young lady found me on twitter and yelled at me for making fun of her in my recaps. Ha! But actually, she was kinda cool about it so I can't hate. It was funny though. Let's just say, in the looks department she's not my type.
KALON. Is this guy actually rich? Why won't they tell us? What does he do? They present him to be exactly like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, but even more detestable.
NICK. He's the (formerly) blonde personal trainer guy. Funny, he has also contacted me. He emailed me to say he enjoyed the recaps. He also vowed to get on the Bachelor Pad and rip it up. Seems like a cool dude, doesn't take it that seriously. I'm on Team Nick!
RACHEL. She was on Ben's season, and is another person I'm a big fan of. Her body is crazy. Yes, she might possible be 40 years old, but I don't care.
SARAH. This girl is a bit of a mystery. Why? Because she's from Brad's first season. That was a long time ago. She reminds us that she got eliminated when she couldn't tell the difference between Brad and his (not) identical twin brother Chad. Holy shit! I love it. I totally forgot about her, but now that I remember that, she's in my Hall of Fame. That was possibly the greatest episode in the history of this show.
RYAN. Another mystery. Why? Because he's (sorta) black! They don't let black people on this show. Well, I guess they used to, because he was on DeAnna's season. He was a virgin. Oh yeah, I remember him now, he's gay. Totally gay. He tells us he's still a virgin..and 32 years old...and gay.
TONY. He's from Emily's season, and got real vocal at the Men Tell All. He's the guy who is always saying how much he misses his kid, yet here he is on another show. Guess he doesn't have any custody. Or he's just a deadbeat.
MICHAEL S. People love this guy, except women who go out with him for any length of time.
ERICA. This is her job now. She just comes on this show, that's it. She tells us that she knows Kalon from "the Houston social scene". What the hell? Houston has a social scene? And there's white people in it? She says that she went to the tabloids about Kalon and is nervous that he's in the house too.
Whoa. Erica just called Kalon "American Psycho". She asks Kalon not to bring how she looks. Kinda hard not to do that. Although her lips do look better. Her dad finally got the right amount of CCs in there.
JAMIE. From Ben's season. She's the girl who never said a word, and then tried to "spice it up" with a lap dance, and it was awkward cause she tried to tell him how to kiss. That was bad. Especially because it was Ben.
Also coming into the Bachelor Pad this season: some hardcore Bachelor fans. As mentioned before, this is stealing from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge formula, which I am totally fine with.
PAIGE. She's dorky cute, though mostly dorky. She tells us that she likes Lipless.
CHRIS. A SWAT officer. They show him training. And then, and this is the GREATEST, they show him in his pajamas, sitting on his couch with a glass of wine, watching the Bachelor. It's the most embarrassing thing ever. Even more embarrassing: right now I'm in my pajamas on my couch drinking a glass of wine.
DONNA. She says the Bachelor Pad is "literally" made for her. She loves wearing bikinis, and she should, because her body is fantastic. She loves Michael S., in fact, she loves him so much that they show her sketching his face. What the hell is happening? Maximum creepiness!
DAVID. He's not attractive. So of course, he loves Lindzi and Blakely. Gross. This was the best they could do for fans?
ERICA and BRITTANY. The blonde twins. They're not even cute, they're just twins who are blonde. Instead of talking about who they like, they just hate on everyone. Okay, these are real fans. One of the twins is a virgin, I forget which. I wonder if when the one twin got fucked, the other had an orgasm.
Jaclyn says she can be fake and manipulative, so she's the full package. That's the full package, all right. Well, except for looks and a lot of other stuff.
Ryan says the fans are gonna have an advantage because the Bachelor people don't know anything about them, but the fans know all about the Bachelor people. You're forgetting that no one knows who you are, Ryan.
I cannot express to you enough how insane Donna's ass is. Also, her boobs.
David walks into the house and starts calling everyone by name without being introduced. He looks to Nick, "you're a personal trainer". I hate to say this, cause I really hate David already, but this guy is kinda my surrogate.
FYI: The twins are playing as one person.
Sarah is a huge hater. And she needs to settle down, because she couldn't tell Brad from Chad. So shut up.
Ed immediately gets hammered. He strips down and jumps in the pool. It's so funny that he's the guy Jillian chose, like they were going to get married. Man, I hate her. That was her problem, she was even dumber than she was not fun to look at.
Harrison tells them they have to couple up for a competition tomorrow. Reid picks Paige, because she's sweet and her name is Paige. Erica picks Nick. Chris picks Blakely, and quickly regrets it as Blakely starts ordering him around.
Donna picks Kalon. Jaclyn picks Ed, who is passed out in the hot tub. Only a drunk ass would accept her invitation. Every one of Ed's actions make Jillian look even stupider. She could've had Reid!
Sarah is with Michael. The twins are with Dave. Lindzi is with Tony. Rachel is with Swat.
The first competition involves them having to stay inside a heart shaped contraption that is hanging upside down. Whoever stays inside the longest, wins. The first couple to fall out, automatically gets a vote against them for elimination.
It's not really fair because Nick is too big to fit in the heart. And he falls out first (with Erica).
It comes down to Reid and Paige, versus David and the twin. Nobody wants David and the twin to win, cause they're all new people and everyone hates the twins. Even Kalon hates the twins. So of course, they win.
They go to Santa Monica for their "dream" date. And since their fans they have to nauseate us with remembrances of Bachelor dates past. In honor of Ben and Courtney, they go skinny dipping. Okay, that was kinda good. I respect the knowledge and the shout out.
Back at the house, Jamie attempts the robbery. She pulls Chris aside, and they go into a room and make out. Not sure if Jamie gave him instructions first. Blakely sniffs it out and intrudes upon them. Poor Blakely. It's not easy being 50 years old and a waxing specialist.
David and the twins wisely get together with the other new people and vote as a block. They want to get rid of my boy Nick, and Erica. But stupidly, David tells everyone his plan, completely ruining it.
By the way, how is Erica still 30?
Basically, David fucked over the new people by blabbing. So Swat is going home over Nick. And then it looks like Paige over Erica.
But Reid likes Paige, so he wants to save her. Funny conversation happens as Michael tells Reid that they are voting out Paige. He adds, it could be Donna "but some of the guys don't want to do that, for physical reasons". Ha.
It looks like Paige is a goner because all of the guys are voting for her. BUT WAIT! There's a wild card: Kalon. And he tells Reid, yeah, I'm fucking with everyone, of course I'm voting against Erica. Yes! See, you can root for Kalon.
The other guys think Kalon is in their pocket. Chris says "Kalon is my bitch". Nice try, Lipless, but nobody is your bitch. In every equation, you are the bitch.
Kalon tells us that he's telling everyone what they want to hear, so we don't really know what he's going to do. But we have to think, because of the big Houston social scene, he is going to vote out Erica.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Going home is...
SWAT and PAIGE
The newbies are gone. Kalon did vote out Erica, but dumbass Swat voted for Paige to leave! Idiot! Fans are stupid. And so are non-fans. So they have that in common.
Swat says "I'm part of the Bachelor family now. I mean, I got a picture with Chris Harrison, how cool is that?" Not that cool, actually.
Goodnight!
Let's meet the new members of the pad...
LIPLESS. It appears from the previews that he is going to emerge as a strong personality on this show. I find that weird because he could barely talk to Emily without breaking down in tears. He tells us that he's most excited to meet Lindzi, from Ben's season. What?
LINDZI. I forgot she made it to the final 2 in Ben's season. By the way, whatever happened to Ben and Courtney? Why weren't they at the "After the Final Rose" last night? They must want to keep that Courtney stink away from Emily.
REID. Back again for another try. How crazy is it that he got denied TWICE by Jillian? That is embarrassing.
ED. Remember him? He "won" the Bachelorette. Unfortunately, winning involved sleeping with Jillian. But he did cheat on her, which is respectable.
BLAKELY. The VIP Hooters cocktail waitress. Wait, she says she's had an epiphany! And now she's a professional waxer. She removes hair from taints for a living. That was her epiphany. Oh Blakely, I've missed you.
JACLYN. She's from Ben's season. Okay, this young lady found me on twitter and yelled at me for making fun of her in my recaps. Ha! But actually, she was kinda cool about it so I can't hate. It was funny though. Let's just say, in the looks department she's not my type.
KALON. Is this guy actually rich? Why won't they tell us? What does he do? They present him to be exactly like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, but even more detestable.
NICK. He's the (formerly) blonde personal trainer guy. Funny, he has also contacted me. He emailed me to say he enjoyed the recaps. He also vowed to get on the Bachelor Pad and rip it up. Seems like a cool dude, doesn't take it that seriously. I'm on Team Nick!
RACHEL. She was on Ben's season, and is another person I'm a big fan of. Her body is crazy. Yes, she might possible be 40 years old, but I don't care.
SARAH. This girl is a bit of a mystery. Why? Because she's from Brad's first season. That was a long time ago. She reminds us that she got eliminated when she couldn't tell the difference between Brad and his (not) identical twin brother Chad. Holy shit! I love it. I totally forgot about her, but now that I remember that, she's in my Hall of Fame. That was possibly the greatest episode in the history of this show.
RYAN. Another mystery. Why? Because he's (sorta) black! They don't let black people on this show. Well, I guess they used to, because he was on DeAnna's season. He was a virgin. Oh yeah, I remember him now, he's gay. Totally gay. He tells us he's still a virgin..and 32 years old...and gay.
TONY. He's from Emily's season, and got real vocal at the Men Tell All. He's the guy who is always saying how much he misses his kid, yet here he is on another show. Guess he doesn't have any custody. Or he's just a deadbeat.
MICHAEL S. People love this guy, except women who go out with him for any length of time.
ERICA. This is her job now. She just comes on this show, that's it. She tells us that she knows Kalon from "the Houston social scene". What the hell? Houston has a social scene? And there's white people in it? She says that she went to the tabloids about Kalon and is nervous that he's in the house too.
Whoa. Erica just called Kalon "American Psycho". She asks Kalon not to bring how she looks. Kinda hard not to do that. Although her lips do look better. Her dad finally got the right amount of CCs in there.
JAMIE. From Ben's season. She's the girl who never said a word, and then tried to "spice it up" with a lap dance, and it was awkward cause she tried to tell him how to kiss. That was bad. Especially because it was Ben.
Also coming into the Bachelor Pad this season: some hardcore Bachelor fans. As mentioned before, this is stealing from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge formula, which I am totally fine with.
PAIGE. She's dorky cute, though mostly dorky. She tells us that she likes Lipless.
CHRIS. A SWAT officer. They show him training. And then, and this is the GREATEST, they show him in his pajamas, sitting on his couch with a glass of wine, watching the Bachelor. It's the most embarrassing thing ever. Even more embarrassing: right now I'm in my pajamas on my couch drinking a glass of wine.
DONNA. She says the Bachelor Pad is "literally" made for her. She loves wearing bikinis, and she should, because her body is fantastic. She loves Michael S., in fact, she loves him so much that they show her sketching his face. What the hell is happening? Maximum creepiness!
DAVID. He's not attractive. So of course, he loves Lindzi and Blakely. Gross. This was the best they could do for fans?
ERICA and BRITTANY. The blonde twins. They're not even cute, they're just twins who are blonde. Instead of talking about who they like, they just hate on everyone. Okay, these are real fans. One of the twins is a virgin, I forget which. I wonder if when the one twin got fucked, the other had an orgasm.
Jaclyn says she can be fake and manipulative, so she's the full package. That's the full package, all right. Well, except for looks and a lot of other stuff.
Ryan says the fans are gonna have an advantage because the Bachelor people don't know anything about them, but the fans know all about the Bachelor people. You're forgetting that no one knows who you are, Ryan.
I cannot express to you enough how insane Donna's ass is. Also, her boobs.
David walks into the house and starts calling everyone by name without being introduced. He looks to Nick, "you're a personal trainer". I hate to say this, cause I really hate David already, but this guy is kinda my surrogate.
FYI: The twins are playing as one person.
Sarah is a huge hater. And she needs to settle down, because she couldn't tell Brad from Chad. So shut up.
Ed immediately gets hammered. He strips down and jumps in the pool. It's so funny that he's the guy Jillian chose, like they were going to get married. Man, I hate her. That was her problem, she was even dumber than she was not fun to look at.
Harrison tells them they have to couple up for a competition tomorrow. Reid picks Paige, because she's sweet and her name is Paige. Erica picks Nick. Chris picks Blakely, and quickly regrets it as Blakely starts ordering him around.
Donna picks Kalon. Jaclyn picks Ed, who is passed out in the hot tub. Only a drunk ass would accept her invitation. Every one of Ed's actions make Jillian look even stupider. She could've had Reid!
Sarah is with Michael. The twins are with Dave. Lindzi is with Tony. Rachel is with Swat.
The first competition involves them having to stay inside a heart shaped contraption that is hanging upside down. Whoever stays inside the longest, wins. The first couple to fall out, automatically gets a vote against them for elimination.
It's not really fair because Nick is too big to fit in the heart. And he falls out first (with Erica).
It comes down to Reid and Paige, versus David and the twin. Nobody wants David and the twin to win, cause they're all new people and everyone hates the twins. Even Kalon hates the twins. So of course, they win.
They go to Santa Monica for their "dream" date. And since their fans they have to nauseate us with remembrances of Bachelor dates past. In honor of Ben and Courtney, they go skinny dipping. Okay, that was kinda good. I respect the knowledge and the shout out.
Back at the house, Jamie attempts the robbery. She pulls Chris aside, and they go into a room and make out. Not sure if Jamie gave him instructions first. Blakely sniffs it out and intrudes upon them. Poor Blakely. It's not easy being 50 years old and a waxing specialist.
David and the twins wisely get together with the other new people and vote as a block. They want to get rid of my boy Nick, and Erica. But stupidly, David tells everyone his plan, completely ruining it.
By the way, how is Erica still 30?
Basically, David fucked over the new people by blabbing. So Swat is going home over Nick. And then it looks like Paige over Erica.
But Reid likes Paige, so he wants to save her. Funny conversation happens as Michael tells Reid that they are voting out Paige. He adds, it could be Donna "but some of the guys don't want to do that, for physical reasons". Ha.
It looks like Paige is a goner because all of the guys are voting for her. BUT WAIT! There's a wild card: Kalon. And he tells Reid, yeah, I'm fucking with everyone, of course I'm voting against Erica. Yes! See, you can root for Kalon.
The other guys think Kalon is in their pocket. Chris says "Kalon is my bitch". Nice try, Lipless, but nobody is your bitch. In every equation, you are the bitch.
Kalon tells us that he's telling everyone what they want to hear, so we don't really know what he's going to do. But we have to think, because of the big Houston social scene, he is going to vote out Erica.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Going home is...
SWAT and PAIGE
The newbies are gone. Kalon did vote out Erica, but dumbass Swat voted for Paige to leave! Idiot! Fans are stupid. And so are non-fans. So they have that in common.
Swat says "I'm part of the Bachelor family now. I mean, I got a picture with Chris Harrison, how cool is that?" Not that cool, actually.
Goodnight!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted. The Finale.
They're stealing my Sunday night. 3 hours? On my Sunday night? Not cool, Bachelorette, not cool at all.
Well, this is where it ends. Arie or Jef? Neither? Let's find out, for Ricki's sake.
Things begin "Live", with Chris Harrison and a studio audience in LA. He talks about how this is the most dramatic finale ever, and then says he wants to take a moment for the people in Aurora, Colorado. What?! Crazy left turn there, Chris. Especially after that whole "most dramatic" comment.
Emily is still in Curacao, and now so is her family. Jef is first up to meet them. Emily's mom's voice can best be described as a more manly Barry White.
Emily's Mom brings up the very real issue of Emily and Lil' Steve Zahn being "tied at the hip", and they need a guy who won't be jealous of them. Maybe Emily and Ricki should just get married. They'd probably have more sex than Emily and Jef will.
Emily's brother is every bit the backwoods hillbilly you'd expect. His name is Ernie, but I'm shocked it's not Cletus. I must applaud the producer's restraint in not playing banjo music right now.
Cletus says that the problem with Emily's relationships is that the guys try to live up to the dead fiance. Actually, I think that's more Emily's issue.
Jesus, for some reason they make Jef go one on one with every family member. I wonder if they always do this, and this is just the first time they've showed each one. To no one's surprise, Jef is good at charming these people. Come on, it would be impossible for anyone's family to feel like Jef is some kind of threat. It's like sending your daughter off with one of the not cute Jonas brothers.
Next, it's Arie's turn. And thank God they've forced them to stay in Curacao for two weeks because Arie needed the tan. He almost looks alive.
Emily'a dad isn't sure why they even need to meet another guy after Jef. I'd feel the same way. I only want my daughter to be with virgins.
Arie got Emily's family a present - a bunch of dead roses. Sweet! They're the roses Emily has given to him. I'm sure that's real special to them. Maybe they can make some potpourri.
Cletus is concerned that Arie is too refined in the way of fancy talk. He's never heard someone speak in complete sentences before. Despite his hesitancy over Arie's smoothness, he does think that he has a "purty mouth".
When I say Cletus talks out of the side of his mouth, I mean he literally talks out of the side of his mouth. He must be wondering why it isn't he and Emily getting married #westvirginia #incest
Just as I write that, I notice that Cletus' fiance looks a helluva a lot like Emily.
Emily says she needs her whole family "to figure out who is the best fit for me". Just by that statement alone, your best fit is Jef.
Her family loves both guys. Cletus says that he thinks his sister "wants a black and white answer from us". I think he means that the family wishes one of the guys was black so they could tell her to pick the white one.
Emily doesn't want to be the girl who has gotten engaged 3 times. Now we know who her perfect man is: Ross Geller.
After each commercial break, they cut back to Chris Harrison and the studio audience. And every time I get sad for myself because 98% of the audience are ladies.
Last date time. Jef is first. I know there's a lot of Jef love, and he seems like a fine lad. I like him. But there is something odd about him. He's so controlled. Almost not human, which in some ways is good, cause Doug was really, really human and that was the problem. But I don't know, who is this guy? Does he get angry? Does he laugh? I hate to make the obvious Mormon comparison, but there's a bit of Mitt in this dude.
Then, as a "surprise", Emily reveals that she would like Jef to meet Ricki. They go to a swimming pool and the introduction is made. I feel so uncomfortable, so much pressure! Jef sits and forces some conversation with a kid who doesn't give a fuck.
Jef appears to have a tattoo on his wrist, don't know what it is. Looks like an autograph.
They all spend the whole day together, and I can't help but think that with this much screen time, the real Steve Zahn will somehow get a career resurgence.
Here's a question: is it possible that Jef is just really good at saying the right thing in uncomfortable situations (ie, a camera is on you, talk about your feelings)?
Jef gives her a book of pictures. No dead roses? Well, it's the thought that counts.
I'd be worried if I were Emily - you can't know if someone is marriage material until you've had sex with them.
Back to Chris Harrison in studio, and suddenly an ask the audience segment starts. What the hell? They are really filling time here.
We return to Curacao, and now Emily is talking to Chris Harrison because "he's been there". Yeah, and look how well that has gone. In a very convoluted way, Emily tells Chris that she wants to be with Jef, and is done with Arie. She's in love with Jef "on a different level" than Arie.
Whoa. The biggest surprise of this is that this comes at the 1 hour, 15 minute mark. Unprecedented!
She doesn't even want to go on the date with Arie. She's just going to dump him.
Obviously, Ricki forced their hand here. They would never normally do this, but Emily (and the Bachelorette producers) didn't want to introduce Ricki to 2 different dudes. But you have to wonder: what will we do for the next 45 minutes?
Arie's date begins by meeting an old, chubby island woman. Wow, what a mean way to tell him it's over. She helps him make a love potion. Or as he's about to know it, a ruin your life potion. Then, on voice over, they clearly make Arie say a bunch of stuff he will later regret about he and Emily are going to get married.
Emily shows up, looking all depressed. Emily asks him how he is like 20 times. Arie excitedly shows her the potion and Emily breaks down in tears. Emily hates love potions!, thinks Arie.
Emily begins her speech, and says something extra hurtful: she knew that it was just going to be her and Arie the whole time, and now she doesn't think so. I liked you the most, and then Jef came in and totally was better than you.
It's pretty clear that Emily had hinted to Arie earlier on that she was going to pick him. And then along came the Stormin' Mormon...
Arie is shocked. Hard to feel too bad, Arie is going to get ridiculous amounts of pussy after this. And none of them will have "baggage".
Arie does the right thing and quickly splits. He says "you're not gonna get the goodbye you want". Yes! Exactly. Emily wanted to be made to feel better, and he wasn't having it.
Back to the Live set, and the audience is "deeply affected". Maybe they wouldn't be so sad if Chris hadn't reminded them of the shooting in Colorado.
Chris interviews stupid Ashley, who has 3rd row seats in the audience. JP is with her, along with DeAnna (Blinky). Also, Ashley S. is there, what is going on?! What's the point of the After the Final Rose show if we are doing this already? Get on with it!
Emily: "I always said that I wanted a guy with a little bit of an edge...and Jef has that". Ha! Enjoy your after dinner Lemonades from now on. What a bad boy.
I have a theory about couples and relationships, and I won't bore you with it. But I think it's safe to say that Emily could never be with a guy like Brad. She needs to be the dominant figure in every relationship, she needs a Jef. But I don't know, he might surprise her. And not in a good way (for her).
Jef buys a ring, but Emily is implying that she's not going to accept it.
Jef approaches, and Emily tells him the good news. Arie is history. Jef gives his big speech about love, then gets down on one knee and pops the question.
Emily says yes.
It was all a big trick. I guess they were trying to give us one surprise since the Arie thing happened so early. In a strange choice, the producers pipe in the sound of the studio audience applauding. It feels like an old episode of a sitcom taped in front of a live studio audience. Joannie loves Chachi.
Then they play an Emily and Jef montage, set to the sweet sounds of Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love". Steve Zahn comes out and they walk off together, hand in hand. Where's Cletus and the sister wives?
This is all gonna go well until Jef announces that it's against his religion to perform cunnilingus.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Chris promises some "shocking secrets". Doubt it.
Arie comes out. He looks good. A lot of makeup, good lighting. He says he was completely taken by surprise. He wisely brings up their "physical side". Suck on that, Jef!
Arie tells us that after he went home, he was depressed and confused. So he flew to Charlotte to see Emily. But then he thought better of it, and just called her. He wrote a journal during the show and left it at her doorstep and asked her to read it. Jesus, move on, man! You're scaring everyone.
Emily didn't read the journal "out of respect to Arie, and Jef too". I don't blame her. Journals suck.
Interesting fact: Arie says Jef was his best friend on the show, and called him a lot after the show ended. However, this kind of contradicts Arie's story about not knowing what happened and how much she loved Jef.
Jef comes out. Chris asks him what is so great about Emily, and he struggles for awhile to name something. Emily says "I don't want to be the girl who gets engaged a million times" a million times.
Jef says "the first thing I want to do now that everyone knows is" and he kisses her. Sorry pal, she did plenty of that with Arie before anyone knew.
Jef announces that he and Emily are going to Africa to do humanitarian work. Welcome to your future, Emily! Chris, at long last, asks where they are going to live. Jef says "we think the best thing is that I move to Charlotte".
HA HA HA.
Wait, let me say that again. HA HA HA.
Did I predict this? I think I did. There was no way she was ever leaving Charlotte, especially not for Salt Lake City. Hilarious. And I also love how he said "we decided". Yeah, we. Emily and Ricki.
That's it. Thanks for the great season. And sweet Lord, I will see you TOMORROW night for the start of the Bachelor Pad. It never really ends, does it?
Goodnight!
Well, this is where it ends. Arie or Jef? Neither? Let's find out, for Ricki's sake.
Things begin "Live", with Chris Harrison and a studio audience in LA. He talks about how this is the most dramatic finale ever, and then says he wants to take a moment for the people in Aurora, Colorado. What?! Crazy left turn there, Chris. Especially after that whole "most dramatic" comment.
Emily is still in Curacao, and now so is her family. Jef is first up to meet them. Emily's mom's voice can best be described as a more manly Barry White.
Emily's Mom brings up the very real issue of Emily and Lil' Steve Zahn being "tied at the hip", and they need a guy who won't be jealous of them. Maybe Emily and Ricki should just get married. They'd probably have more sex than Emily and Jef will.
Emily's brother is every bit the backwoods hillbilly you'd expect. His name is Ernie, but I'm shocked it's not Cletus. I must applaud the producer's restraint in not playing banjo music right now.
Cletus says that the problem with Emily's relationships is that the guys try to live up to the dead fiance. Actually, I think that's more Emily's issue.
Jesus, for some reason they make Jef go one on one with every family member. I wonder if they always do this, and this is just the first time they've showed each one. To no one's surprise, Jef is good at charming these people. Come on, it would be impossible for anyone's family to feel like Jef is some kind of threat. It's like sending your daughter off with one of the not cute Jonas brothers.
Next, it's Arie's turn. And thank God they've forced them to stay in Curacao for two weeks because Arie needed the tan. He almost looks alive.
Emily'a dad isn't sure why they even need to meet another guy after Jef. I'd feel the same way. I only want my daughter to be with virgins.
Arie got Emily's family a present - a bunch of dead roses. Sweet! They're the roses Emily has given to him. I'm sure that's real special to them. Maybe they can make some potpourri.
Cletus is concerned that Arie is too refined in the way of fancy talk. He's never heard someone speak in complete sentences before. Despite his hesitancy over Arie's smoothness, he does think that he has a "purty mouth".
When I say Cletus talks out of the side of his mouth, I mean he literally talks out of the side of his mouth. He must be wondering why it isn't he and Emily getting married #westvirginia #incest
Just as I write that, I notice that Cletus' fiance looks a helluva a lot like Emily.
Emily says she needs her whole family "to figure out who is the best fit for me". Just by that statement alone, your best fit is Jef.
Her family loves both guys. Cletus says that he thinks his sister "wants a black and white answer from us". I think he means that the family wishes one of the guys was black so they could tell her to pick the white one.
Emily doesn't want to be the girl who has gotten engaged 3 times. Now we know who her perfect man is: Ross Geller.
After each commercial break, they cut back to Chris Harrison and the studio audience. And every time I get sad for myself because 98% of the audience are ladies.
Last date time. Jef is first. I know there's a lot of Jef love, and he seems like a fine lad. I like him. But there is something odd about him. He's so controlled. Almost not human, which in some ways is good, cause Doug was really, really human and that was the problem. But I don't know, who is this guy? Does he get angry? Does he laugh? I hate to make the obvious Mormon comparison, but there's a bit of Mitt in this dude.
Then, as a "surprise", Emily reveals that she would like Jef to meet Ricki. They go to a swimming pool and the introduction is made. I feel so uncomfortable, so much pressure! Jef sits and forces some conversation with a kid who doesn't give a fuck.
Jef appears to have a tattoo on his wrist, don't know what it is. Looks like an autograph.
They all spend the whole day together, and I can't help but think that with this much screen time, the real Steve Zahn will somehow get a career resurgence.
Here's a question: is it possible that Jef is just really good at saying the right thing in uncomfortable situations (ie, a camera is on you, talk about your feelings)?
Jef gives her a book of pictures. No dead roses? Well, it's the thought that counts.
I'd be worried if I were Emily - you can't know if someone is marriage material until you've had sex with them.
Back to Chris Harrison in studio, and suddenly an ask the audience segment starts. What the hell? They are really filling time here.
We return to Curacao, and now Emily is talking to Chris Harrison because "he's been there". Yeah, and look how well that has gone. In a very convoluted way, Emily tells Chris that she wants to be with Jef, and is done with Arie. She's in love with Jef "on a different level" than Arie.
Whoa. The biggest surprise of this is that this comes at the 1 hour, 15 minute mark. Unprecedented!
She doesn't even want to go on the date with Arie. She's just going to dump him.
Obviously, Ricki forced their hand here. They would never normally do this, but Emily (and the Bachelorette producers) didn't want to introduce Ricki to 2 different dudes. But you have to wonder: what will we do for the next 45 minutes?
Arie's date begins by meeting an old, chubby island woman. Wow, what a mean way to tell him it's over. She helps him make a love potion. Or as he's about to know it, a ruin your life potion. Then, on voice over, they clearly make Arie say a bunch of stuff he will later regret about he and Emily are going to get married.
Emily shows up, looking all depressed. Emily asks him how he is like 20 times. Arie excitedly shows her the potion and Emily breaks down in tears. Emily hates love potions!, thinks Arie.
Emily begins her speech, and says something extra hurtful: she knew that it was just going to be her and Arie the whole time, and now she doesn't think so. I liked you the most, and then Jef came in and totally was better than you.
It's pretty clear that Emily had hinted to Arie earlier on that she was going to pick him. And then along came the Stormin' Mormon...
Arie is shocked. Hard to feel too bad, Arie is going to get ridiculous amounts of pussy after this. And none of them will have "baggage".
Arie does the right thing and quickly splits. He says "you're not gonna get the goodbye you want". Yes! Exactly. Emily wanted to be made to feel better, and he wasn't having it.
Back to the Live set, and the audience is "deeply affected". Maybe they wouldn't be so sad if Chris hadn't reminded them of the shooting in Colorado.
Chris interviews stupid Ashley, who has 3rd row seats in the audience. JP is with her, along with DeAnna (Blinky). Also, Ashley S. is there, what is going on?! What's the point of the After the Final Rose show if we are doing this already? Get on with it!
Emily: "I always said that I wanted a guy with a little bit of an edge...and Jef has that". Ha! Enjoy your after dinner Lemonades from now on. What a bad boy.
I have a theory about couples and relationships, and I won't bore you with it. But I think it's safe to say that Emily could never be with a guy like Brad. She needs to be the dominant figure in every relationship, she needs a Jef. But I don't know, he might surprise her. And not in a good way (for her).
Jef buys a ring, but Emily is implying that she's not going to accept it.
Jef approaches, and Emily tells him the good news. Arie is history. Jef gives his big speech about love, then gets down on one knee and pops the question.
Emily says yes.
It was all a big trick. I guess they were trying to give us one surprise since the Arie thing happened so early. In a strange choice, the producers pipe in the sound of the studio audience applauding. It feels like an old episode of a sitcom taped in front of a live studio audience. Joannie loves Chachi.
Then they play an Emily and Jef montage, set to the sweet sounds of Peter Cetera's "Glory of Love". Steve Zahn comes out and they walk off together, hand in hand. Where's Cletus and the sister wives?
This is all gonna go well until Jef announces that it's against his religion to perform cunnilingus.
AFTER THE FINAL ROSE
Chris promises some "shocking secrets". Doubt it.
Arie comes out. He looks good. A lot of makeup, good lighting. He says he was completely taken by surprise. He wisely brings up their "physical side". Suck on that, Jef!
Arie tells us that after he went home, he was depressed and confused. So he flew to Charlotte to see Emily. But then he thought better of it, and just called her. He wrote a journal during the show and left it at her doorstep and asked her to read it. Jesus, move on, man! You're scaring everyone.
Emily didn't read the journal "out of respect to Arie, and Jef too". I don't blame her. Journals suck.
Interesting fact: Arie says Jef was his best friend on the show, and called him a lot after the show ended. However, this kind of contradicts Arie's story about not knowing what happened and how much she loved Jef.
Jef comes out. Chris asks him what is so great about Emily, and he struggles for awhile to name something. Emily says "I don't want to be the girl who gets engaged a million times" a million times.
Jef says "the first thing I want to do now that everyone knows is" and he kisses her. Sorry pal, she did plenty of that with Arie before anyone knew.
Jef announces that he and Emily are going to Africa to do humanitarian work. Welcome to your future, Emily! Chris, at long last, asks where they are going to live. Jef says "we think the best thing is that I move to Charlotte".
HA HA HA.
Wait, let me say that again. HA HA HA.
Did I predict this? I think I did. There was no way she was ever leaving Charlotte, especially not for Salt Lake City. Hilarious. And I also love how he said "we decided". Yeah, we. Emily and Ricki.
That's it. Thanks for the great season. And sweet Lord, I will see you TOMORROW night for the start of the Bachelor Pad. It never really ends, does it?
Goodnight!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Straight to DVD
I read that Halle Berry was injured on a movie today. It reminded me of something I've always meant to write about:
The death of Blockbuster.
Netflix, On Demand, the internet, it was only a matter of time before the Blockbuster stores were killed off. And overall, it's a good thing. We don't have to leave our houses to rent a movie anymore. It's very convenient. But it does come at a cost. And that cost is:
Browsing.
There was something about going into a Blockbuster and walking around the store that cannot be duplicated online, or at least it hasn't been duplicated yet.
When I was a member of Netflix and Blockbuster, I would always be shocked when I walked into a Blockbuster and saw the movies for rent. There were so many things that I didn't see on the Netflix site. Most of the movies I wasn't seeing on Netflix fell into one category:
Straight to DVD.
Very, very quietly, in places the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly doesn't like to talk about, big stars are making movies that no one is seeing.
Everyone makes a big deal about flops - movies that come out in theaters that no one goes to see. It's easy to do this, with advertising, talk shows, magazines, box office updates - these things are extremely visible. But I'm far more fascinated by these movies that they don't even make trailers for.
And with Blockbuster gone, I'm even more unaware of them than I was before.
So when I read about Halle Berry today, I thought, "Gee, she hasn't starred in a movie in forever!"
Wrong.
If there were Blockbuster stores, I'd know that she starred in a big, action packed 2012 film, where she played a "shark whisperer with a past". The movie is called "Dark Tide". And apparently it's a piece of shit. But a piece of shit with pretty people! And sharks!
For some reason, it makes me sad that I didn't know about this. And it's Netflix's fault.
It seems like the media is complicit in this too. Maybe they know that the general public won't care. But I care! You know in magazines where they'll have publicity photos from the set of movies? Well, I guarantee you some poor sap went to the middle of the ocean and shot the shit out of "Dark Tide". He thought he'd have a big spread in People magazine. And then someone decided that a movie about a shark whisperer wasn't as good as it sounds.
A similar star who hasn't been in anything in awhile is Keanu Reeves. Well, actually he was in "Henry's Crime" with Vera Farminga. Total box office? $100 thousand dollars. Not million. Thousand. They did that thing where they put it in a theater for like, 3 days, and then it goes to DVD.
Another interesting one: Something called "I Could Never Be Your Woman", starring Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd. Written and directed by Amy Heckerling. It didn't even get the 3 day theater treatment, and went straight to DVD.
I never knew about it, but I just went on IMDB and randomly typed Paul Rudd's name in. Sure enough, he's got a dud you've never heard of. It seems like they all do.
And we don't know it anymore because the Netflix website is letting us down. Stop only showing us the movies that are good, you jerks!
I guess Eddie Murphy can take heart, at least his garbage is making it into the theaters. In some ways, that is a win.
The death of Blockbuster.
Netflix, On Demand, the internet, it was only a matter of time before the Blockbuster stores were killed off. And overall, it's a good thing. We don't have to leave our houses to rent a movie anymore. It's very convenient. But it does come at a cost. And that cost is:
Browsing.
There was something about going into a Blockbuster and walking around the store that cannot be duplicated online, or at least it hasn't been duplicated yet.
When I was a member of Netflix and Blockbuster, I would always be shocked when I walked into a Blockbuster and saw the movies for rent. There were so many things that I didn't see on the Netflix site. Most of the movies I wasn't seeing on Netflix fell into one category:
Straight to DVD.
Very, very quietly, in places the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly doesn't like to talk about, big stars are making movies that no one is seeing.
Everyone makes a big deal about flops - movies that come out in theaters that no one goes to see. It's easy to do this, with advertising, talk shows, magazines, box office updates - these things are extremely visible. But I'm far more fascinated by these movies that they don't even make trailers for.
And with Blockbuster gone, I'm even more unaware of them than I was before.
So when I read about Halle Berry today, I thought, "Gee, she hasn't starred in a movie in forever!"
Wrong.
If there were Blockbuster stores, I'd know that she starred in a big, action packed 2012 film, where she played a "shark whisperer with a past". The movie is called "Dark Tide". And apparently it's a piece of shit. But a piece of shit with pretty people! And sharks!
For some reason, it makes me sad that I didn't know about this. And it's Netflix's fault.
It seems like the media is complicit in this too. Maybe they know that the general public won't care. But I care! You know in magazines where they'll have publicity photos from the set of movies? Well, I guarantee you some poor sap went to the middle of the ocean and shot the shit out of "Dark Tide". He thought he'd have a big spread in People magazine. And then someone decided that a movie about a shark whisperer wasn't as good as it sounds.
A similar star who hasn't been in anything in awhile is Keanu Reeves. Well, actually he was in "Henry's Crime" with Vera Farminga. Total box office? $100 thousand dollars. Not million. Thousand. They did that thing where they put it in a theater for like, 3 days, and then it goes to DVD.
Another interesting one: Something called "I Could Never Be Your Woman", starring Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd. Written and directed by Amy Heckerling. It didn't even get the 3 day theater treatment, and went straight to DVD.
I never knew about it, but I just went on IMDB and randomly typed Paul Rudd's name in. Sure enough, he's got a dud you've never heard of. It seems like they all do.
And we don't know it anymore because the Netflix website is letting us down. Stop only showing us the movies that are good, you jerks!
I guess Eddie Murphy can take heart, at least his garbage is making it into the theaters. In some ways, that is a win.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted, Ep 10. Men Tell All
I have no idea how they are stretching this into a 2 hour show, and I'm not looking forward to finding out. I'm going to try to keep this brief, because I'm feeling a lot of stuff we've already seen is about to happen.
Things start off with a prerecorded interview with Emily, telling us things that we already know. Then they show bloopers.
And now, a long promo for the upcoming Bachelor Pad. Wait a minute, super fans are also in the house? My invitation must've gotten lost in the mail.
Two of the contestants on the Pad have contacted me on Twitter. I will have more about that when this show starts.
I've often compared Bachelor Pad to the Road Rules/Real World challenge. And sure enough, this season they've ripped off one of the classic challenge bits: the spelling bee. Every reality show on TV is slowly morphing into the same show.
We are 30 minutes in, and not a single thing has happened.
Finally, the guys are introduced. The biggest change: Ryan is now a black guy.
Seriously, he's become an African American. He's very, very dark, and has at long last connected his beard.
I hate when people's big argument against Kalon is showing up in the helicopter. There's no way that was his call, and there's way bigger reasons to hate him.
Funny moment: Kalon defends himself by saying he made good friends on the show, like Chris (No Lips) and Tony. And then they cut to Chris and Tommy, and they have their heads down, completely ashamed and embarrassed.
Kalon is first on the hot seat. All of the guys yell at him, and they are basically saying that Kalon was just there to be on TV. You're kidding!
Sean looks kinda different too. Maybe a different haircut, maybe stopped doing steroids. Still perfect though. Too perfect, even.
Next stop on the hot seat, the black dude. Ryan. I don't know what it is, but he really makes me laugh. Such a character.
It's really underrated how much of a dick Lipless is. I hate that guy. At least Ryan is funny...and has lips.
Ryan talks about reading through his "journal". Lips and a journal? Yes!
Ryan likes Wolf so much, and Ryan's ex girlfriend is so awesome, that he thinks she and Wolf belong together. Don't know how we ended up learning that, but I'm better for knowing it.
Chris challenges Ryan, saying that he told Arie that "whoever wins, the other is going to be the next Bachelor". Ryan explains that he did have that conversation, and he had it with all of the "frontrunners". But he didn't have it with Chris because he didn't consider him a frontrunner. Yes!
When Chris Harrison ends the interview with Ryan, Ryan says "don't you wanna talk about the trophy wife thing?" I love this guy.
Harrison says there's no way that Ryan will be the Bachelor. Why? Because you don't want entertaining TV? I would be so excited by a Ryan season of the Bachelor. Can you imagine, these dumbshits think Jillian and Ashley were great ideas, but dismiss Ryan? Do they not understand goodness?
Stupid, asshole Chris gets in the hot seat and practically cries. It's like he feels he's more important than the other guys. No one is as serious as he is, in his mind. Gross.
Sean is next. Oh, I think he's just less tan. He must've given it to Ryan. Someone mentioned in the comments that I was a little harsh in calling Sean "boring". You're right, he (and his family) actually did have a sense of humor about things. But when he starts talking about Emily and all of that shit, he is one dull dud.
Finally, Emily comes out in front of the guys. She looks great. Oh God, I hate when they pretend like Chris had a chance with her. He immediately makes it about him, and steals Sean's line about "opening his eyes to love" or whatever. Shut up.
Luckily, Harrison brings up when Emily dumped Doug and he kissed her in the middle of it. Emily uses it as an opportunity to rip on Kalon. Yeah, you may be an awkward weirdo, Doug, but at least you're a rat fink.
Kalon gives Emily a nice apology, and she says "you should be a politician because that's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard". Apparently, Kalon's still been talking shit on twitter. He posted a picture of a "baggage claim" sign, and wrote "I'm surprised Emily Maynard's not here". Hey, that's pretty good.
Kalon: "I'm flattered you follow me on twitter". Now this is a Kalon I can get on board with! Own it, motherfucker.
Emily talks to Ryan about how he's a sweet talker, and he sets a winking record by winking 3 times. He loves nothing better than hearing about how great he is.
And now what? More bloopers! Two separate Emily interviews, two separate blooper reels. Thanks, ABC.
This whole thing really only served 2 purposes: to advertise Bachelor Pad, and tease the finale. And now they are showing the tease for next week's episode, and they don't even show anything good. Jesus.
There's nothing worse in life than when they show the footage of Jef riding the skateboard and play the "surfer" music.
I could've edited this episode down to 15 minutes. Did I say minutes? I meant seconds.
Good night and good riddance.
Things start off with a prerecorded interview with Emily, telling us things that we already know. Then they show bloopers.
And now, a long promo for the upcoming Bachelor Pad. Wait a minute, super fans are also in the house? My invitation must've gotten lost in the mail.
Two of the contestants on the Pad have contacted me on Twitter. I will have more about that when this show starts.
I've often compared Bachelor Pad to the Road Rules/Real World challenge. And sure enough, this season they've ripped off one of the classic challenge bits: the spelling bee. Every reality show on TV is slowly morphing into the same show.
We are 30 minutes in, and not a single thing has happened.
Finally, the guys are introduced. The biggest change: Ryan is now a black guy.
Seriously, he's become an African American. He's very, very dark, and has at long last connected his beard.
I hate when people's big argument against Kalon is showing up in the helicopter. There's no way that was his call, and there's way bigger reasons to hate him.
Funny moment: Kalon defends himself by saying he made good friends on the show, like Chris (No Lips) and Tony. And then they cut to Chris and Tommy, and they have their heads down, completely ashamed and embarrassed.
Kalon is first on the hot seat. All of the guys yell at him, and they are basically saying that Kalon was just there to be on TV. You're kidding!
Sean looks kinda different too. Maybe a different haircut, maybe stopped doing steroids. Still perfect though. Too perfect, even.
Next stop on the hot seat, the black dude. Ryan. I don't know what it is, but he really makes me laugh. Such a character.
It's really underrated how much of a dick Lipless is. I hate that guy. At least Ryan is funny...and has lips.
Ryan talks about reading through his "journal". Lips and a journal? Yes!
Ryan likes Wolf so much, and Ryan's ex girlfriend is so awesome, that he thinks she and Wolf belong together. Don't know how we ended up learning that, but I'm better for knowing it.
Chris challenges Ryan, saying that he told Arie that "whoever wins, the other is going to be the next Bachelor". Ryan explains that he did have that conversation, and he had it with all of the "frontrunners". But he didn't have it with Chris because he didn't consider him a frontrunner. Yes!
When Chris Harrison ends the interview with Ryan, Ryan says "don't you wanna talk about the trophy wife thing?" I love this guy.
Harrison says there's no way that Ryan will be the Bachelor. Why? Because you don't want entertaining TV? I would be so excited by a Ryan season of the Bachelor. Can you imagine, these dumbshits think Jillian and Ashley were great ideas, but dismiss Ryan? Do they not understand goodness?
Stupid, asshole Chris gets in the hot seat and practically cries. It's like he feels he's more important than the other guys. No one is as serious as he is, in his mind. Gross.
Sean is next. Oh, I think he's just less tan. He must've given it to Ryan. Someone mentioned in the comments that I was a little harsh in calling Sean "boring". You're right, he (and his family) actually did have a sense of humor about things. But when he starts talking about Emily and all of that shit, he is one dull dud.
Finally, Emily comes out in front of the guys. She looks great. Oh God, I hate when they pretend like Chris had a chance with her. He immediately makes it about him, and steals Sean's line about "opening his eyes to love" or whatever. Shut up.
Luckily, Harrison brings up when Emily dumped Doug and he kissed her in the middle of it. Emily uses it as an opportunity to rip on Kalon. Yeah, you may be an awkward weirdo, Doug, but at least you're a rat fink.
Kalon gives Emily a nice apology, and she says "you should be a politician because that's the biggest load of crap I've ever heard". Apparently, Kalon's still been talking shit on twitter. He posted a picture of a "baggage claim" sign, and wrote "I'm surprised Emily Maynard's not here". Hey, that's pretty good.
Kalon: "I'm flattered you follow me on twitter". Now this is a Kalon I can get on board with! Own it, motherfucker.
Emily talks to Ryan about how he's a sweet talker, and he sets a winking record by winking 3 times. He loves nothing better than hearing about how great he is.
And now what? More bloopers! Two separate Emily interviews, two separate blooper reels. Thanks, ABC.
This whole thing really only served 2 purposes: to advertise Bachelor Pad, and tease the finale. And now they are showing the tease for next week's episode, and they don't even show anything good. Jesus.
There's nothing worse in life than when they show the footage of Jef riding the skateboard and play the "surfer" music.
I could've edited this episode down to 15 minutes. Did I say minutes? I meant seconds.
Good night and good riddance.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
You Don't Get to Declare What Isn't Funny For the Rest of Us
Got a lot of requests about this. I didn't want to write about it because there is really no upside. But the more I read other people's comments, the angrier I became. So here we are.
A certain comedian that I used to work for got into "internet trouble" yesterday. I call it internet trouble because it's a story that spreads online, and feels like it's just a way for bloggers to get web traffic. Are they really offended by any of this? I doubt it.
But anyway, if you haven't heard, the basic story (from the heckler's point of view) goes like this:
He's onstage at the Laugh Factory doing his act, and doing a bit about rape. A woman in the audience yells "Rape is never funny!". He responds, "wouldn't it be funny if she got raped by 5 guys right now".
Again, this is from her point of view. It may have gone differently, but whatever.
A shit storm was created. The internet did its outrage thing. People reposted the blog and wrote their own posts about how rape is never funny and the comedian was out of line and a jerk, etc.
First, let me state the obvious: lots of comics do rape jokes. And some of those comics are women. Sarah Silverman being the obvious example. And there was an episode of "Girls" that hinged on Lena Dunham's character telling a rape joke. So let's not pretend like there's this one guy out there doing rape jokes.
You know what else people joke about? 9/11. The Holocaust. People who have been kidnapped. People who have been murdered.
These are horrible things. Certainly, things that are no laughing matter. But we joke about them. Some of those jokes might offend you, others might not. But as a comedian, it's impossible to figure out which are the jokes everyone is okay with.
So if you're offended by a joke, well that's just too bad. Other people might not be, and the joke is for them. Also, they're just words! Who cares?
All comedy is a risk: the audience might not laugh, they might laugh the wrong way, they might think it's corny, or lame, or offensive, whatever. It's hard making people laugh! And there's always the risk that it can go horribly wrong, this is why comedians are maniacs.
My question would be to this woman: are holocaust jokes ever funny? Because if they are, then you obviously hate Jews. Have you ever laughed at a JonBenet Ramsey joke? Then you want little white girls to be killed.
You see what I'm getting at here. She doesn't like rape jokes. Some people do. That doesn't mean they condone rape. It just means it made them laugh. Oftentimes, jokes are told about awful things. It doesn't mean the person is glad the awful thing happened.
So her yelling out at a comedy club at a comedian that rape jokes are never funny is kinda ridiculous. Okay, not kinda, it's totally and completely ridiculous and bullshit behavior. It's not your job to tell everyone else what is funny, they can decide for themselves.
If you're gonna take jokes this hard, you probably shouldn't go to a comedy club in the first place.
A member of the Comedy Police at the website Think Progress has been blogging about this. She writes:
If you’re going to upset a lot of people, and defend upsetting a lot of people, you have to have more than a pedestrian joke to offer up. You have to have a point, and you have to execute it with a high degree of precision.
No, you don't have to. You don't have to do anything. You're on stage, trying to make people laugh. It's hard. This isn't TV or the movies, this is a comedy club. They're trying to get laughs. They're trying to work on their material. They don't HAVE to make the joke suitable to you. This blogger is just like the heckler! "Your joke has to suit my needs!" No, IT DOESN'T!
Now, saying "wouldn't it be funny if she was getting raped right now" isn't a great thing to say to someone, but this didn't take place at her job. It wasn't on the street. It wasn't on the bus.
It was at a comedy club! After she was heckling. Even worse: heckling with a poor argument (see above). Did she expect him to say something nice in reply? "Oh, that's a good point. Rape jokes aren't funny, please allow me to remove it from my act, ma'am".
Have you ever been to a comedy club when someone is heckling? It's the most annoying, uncomfortable experience. We didn't pay to listen to an audience member, we paid to hear the person on stage. And if you don't like what the person on stage is saying, please leave. Comedy clubs don't have locks on the doors. They also aren't rated PG.
Again, comedians are up there fighting for their life. They don't have the luxury of going home, sitting in front of their computer, and crafting an appropriate response. His poorly chosen response came after about 2 seconds of thought to a person who had challenged him in front of a club filled with people. Sorry if it wasn't politically correct.
I understand the insensitivity of it. I understand that she's a woman and rape is horrible and she felt intimidated. That sucks. But that is the risk you take when you shout at a comedian on stage. You're gonna get a response. It wasn't the one you wanted, but guess what? It was never going to be.
One thing is for sure though, arguing about comedy is never funny.
A certain comedian that I used to work for got into "internet trouble" yesterday. I call it internet trouble because it's a story that spreads online, and feels like it's just a way for bloggers to get web traffic. Are they really offended by any of this? I doubt it.
But anyway, if you haven't heard, the basic story (from the heckler's point of view) goes like this:
He's onstage at the Laugh Factory doing his act, and doing a bit about rape. A woman in the audience yells "Rape is never funny!". He responds, "wouldn't it be funny if she got raped by 5 guys right now".
Again, this is from her point of view. It may have gone differently, but whatever.
A shit storm was created. The internet did its outrage thing. People reposted the blog and wrote their own posts about how rape is never funny and the comedian was out of line and a jerk, etc.
First, let me state the obvious: lots of comics do rape jokes. And some of those comics are women. Sarah Silverman being the obvious example. And there was an episode of "Girls" that hinged on Lena Dunham's character telling a rape joke. So let's not pretend like there's this one guy out there doing rape jokes.
You know what else people joke about? 9/11. The Holocaust. People who have been kidnapped. People who have been murdered.
These are horrible things. Certainly, things that are no laughing matter. But we joke about them. Some of those jokes might offend you, others might not. But as a comedian, it's impossible to figure out which are the jokes everyone is okay with.
So if you're offended by a joke, well that's just too bad. Other people might not be, and the joke is for them. Also, they're just words! Who cares?
All comedy is a risk: the audience might not laugh, they might laugh the wrong way, they might think it's corny, or lame, or offensive, whatever. It's hard making people laugh! And there's always the risk that it can go horribly wrong, this is why comedians are maniacs.
My question would be to this woman: are holocaust jokes ever funny? Because if they are, then you obviously hate Jews. Have you ever laughed at a JonBenet Ramsey joke? Then you want little white girls to be killed.
You see what I'm getting at here. She doesn't like rape jokes. Some people do. That doesn't mean they condone rape. It just means it made them laugh. Oftentimes, jokes are told about awful things. It doesn't mean the person is glad the awful thing happened.
So her yelling out at a comedy club at a comedian that rape jokes are never funny is kinda ridiculous. Okay, not kinda, it's totally and completely ridiculous and bullshit behavior. It's not your job to tell everyone else what is funny, they can decide for themselves.
If you're gonna take jokes this hard, you probably shouldn't go to a comedy club in the first place.
A member of the Comedy Police at the website Think Progress has been blogging about this. She writes:
If you’re going to upset a lot of people, and defend upsetting a lot of people, you have to have more than a pedestrian joke to offer up. You have to have a point, and you have to execute it with a high degree of precision.
No, you don't have to. You don't have to do anything. You're on stage, trying to make people laugh. It's hard. This isn't TV or the movies, this is a comedy club. They're trying to get laughs. They're trying to work on their material. They don't HAVE to make the joke suitable to you. This blogger is just like the heckler! "Your joke has to suit my needs!" No, IT DOESN'T!
Now, saying "wouldn't it be funny if she was getting raped right now" isn't a great thing to say to someone, but this didn't take place at her job. It wasn't on the street. It wasn't on the bus.
It was at a comedy club! After she was heckling. Even worse: heckling with a poor argument (see above). Did she expect him to say something nice in reply? "Oh, that's a good point. Rape jokes aren't funny, please allow me to remove it from my act, ma'am".
Have you ever been to a comedy club when someone is heckling? It's the most annoying, uncomfortable experience. We didn't pay to listen to an audience member, we paid to hear the person on stage. And if you don't like what the person on stage is saying, please leave. Comedy clubs don't have locks on the doors. They also aren't rated PG.
Again, comedians are up there fighting for their life. They don't have the luxury of going home, sitting in front of their computer, and crafting an appropriate response. His poorly chosen response came after about 2 seconds of thought to a person who had challenged him in front of a club filled with people. Sorry if it wasn't politically correct.
I understand the insensitivity of it. I understand that she's a woman and rape is horrible and she felt intimidated. That sucks. But that is the risk you take when you shout at a comedian on stage. You're gonna get a response. It wasn't the one you wanted, but guess what? It was never going to be.
One thing is for sure though, arguing about comedy is never funny.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Small Worlds, Big Boobs
This story may not be amusing, but it was just kinda weird to me. Please keep in mind that all of this happened within a 48 hour period. But first things first:
10 years ago, I was an assistant for a comedy writer who had a development deal with Universal TV. When the deal ended, we were both out of a job. But she quickly got staffed on a sitcom on NBC. She took pity on me, and tried to get me hired as the writer's assistant.
I went in for an interview with the Show Runner. He didn't seem too nice. Long story short, I didn't get the job. It turns out, I was up against the Show Runner's babysitter for the gig, and big surprise, he gave it to her.
This was a crushing blow, because a writer's assistant job on a sitcom is a huge deal. First, you get to make a bunch of great connections. Second, you get to learn how making a show works. And third, and most importantly, many times you will be allowed to write an episode.
The Babysitter got to write an episode.
And from the connections she made, she got hired to be an assistant on another show and wrote an episode of that as well.
All the while, I scrambled to get a shitty job at E! and was basically fetching coffee for people who weren't even doing real television.
This was 10 years ago and I haven't heard about the Babysitter since.
Okay, put that aside for a second.
The other day, I was watching the show "Episodes" on Showtime. That's the show with Matt LeBlanc playing Matt LeBlanc. There's a woman on there who plays an actress who is the costar of the show within the show. The actress's name is Mircea Monroe.
During this episode, I remarked to myself (cause I talk to myself now because I'm old) that she had spectacular boobs. This was notable because Mircea Monroe is very skinny, and they don't appear to be fake. So it seems like she might have giant boobs without the body to support them. This is very rare in nature.
The next day, I go to work on the Warner Brothers lot. At lunch, I go to get some food at the commissary. I make my salad - romaine, carrots, celery, and cucumber - pay, and start to walk out when I stop cold. I see her. It's...
The Babysitter!
I don't know how, but even though it had been 10 years, I recognized her instantly.
She, of course, was oblivious as to who I am. Well, except she knows I'm some creepy guy who is staring at her.
So I race back to the office and look up her name on IMDB, and sure enough, she works on Conan (though not as a writer). Conan is shot at Warner Brothers.
That night, I went to see the movie "Magic Mike" (which I enjoyed, by the way. McConaughey is amazing). There's a semi-orgy scene in it where "The Kid" hooks up with Matt Bomer's character and his wife. And the whole thing is about how great Matt Bomer's wife's boobs are.
His wife is topless in the scene and the casting is spot on because they are really, really great. Matt Bomer is so proud of them, in fact, that he encourages The Kid to take them for a spin.
Well, after the movie, I race home, check out the movie and sure enough, the woman with the great boobs is played by Mircea Monroe. I thought I had pioneered thinking that her boobs were awesome, but in fact, Steven Soderbergh beat me to it.
So I go on twitter to look this girl up (I forget why). She has a twitter, and on her "bio" it reads:
"Hi. I'm Mircea Monroe. Boobs. Glad we're on the same page."
Boobs are her whole thing!!! Can I spot talent or what? And better yet, she gets it. She knows what's going on with the people looking her up.
But even better than that: Mircea Monroe doesn't just have a twitter. Mircea Monroe's BOOBS have their own twitter page. Her tits tweet things!
Here's the weird thing though:
When you search for someone using their name on twitter, what comes up is people who have recently tweeted at them. And who was the first person on there, the person who had most recently tweeted at Mircea Monroe?
The Babysitter!
10 years ago, I was an assistant for a comedy writer who had a development deal with Universal TV. When the deal ended, we were both out of a job. But she quickly got staffed on a sitcom on NBC. She took pity on me, and tried to get me hired as the writer's assistant.
I went in for an interview with the Show Runner. He didn't seem too nice. Long story short, I didn't get the job. It turns out, I was up against the Show Runner's babysitter for the gig, and big surprise, he gave it to her.
This was a crushing blow, because a writer's assistant job on a sitcom is a huge deal. First, you get to make a bunch of great connections. Second, you get to learn how making a show works. And third, and most importantly, many times you will be allowed to write an episode.
The Babysitter got to write an episode.
And from the connections she made, she got hired to be an assistant on another show and wrote an episode of that as well.
All the while, I scrambled to get a shitty job at E! and was basically fetching coffee for people who weren't even doing real television.
This was 10 years ago and I haven't heard about the Babysitter since.
Okay, put that aside for a second.
The other day, I was watching the show "Episodes" on Showtime. That's the show with Matt LeBlanc playing Matt LeBlanc. There's a woman on there who plays an actress who is the costar of the show within the show. The actress's name is Mircea Monroe.
During this episode, I remarked to myself (cause I talk to myself now because I'm old) that she had spectacular boobs. This was notable because Mircea Monroe is very skinny, and they don't appear to be fake. So it seems like she might have giant boobs without the body to support them. This is very rare in nature.
The next day, I go to work on the Warner Brothers lot. At lunch, I go to get some food at the commissary. I make my salad - romaine, carrots, celery, and cucumber - pay, and start to walk out when I stop cold. I see her. It's...
The Babysitter!
I don't know how, but even though it had been 10 years, I recognized her instantly.
She, of course, was oblivious as to who I am. Well, except she knows I'm some creepy guy who is staring at her.
So I race back to the office and look up her name on IMDB, and sure enough, she works on Conan (though not as a writer). Conan is shot at Warner Brothers.
That night, I went to see the movie "Magic Mike" (which I enjoyed, by the way. McConaughey is amazing). There's a semi-orgy scene in it where "The Kid" hooks up with Matt Bomer's character and his wife. And the whole thing is about how great Matt Bomer's wife's boobs are.
His wife is topless in the scene and the casting is spot on because they are really, really great. Matt Bomer is so proud of them, in fact, that he encourages The Kid to take them for a spin.
Well, after the movie, I race home, check out the movie and sure enough, the woman with the great boobs is played by Mircea Monroe. I thought I had pioneered thinking that her boobs were awesome, but in fact, Steven Soderbergh beat me to it.
So I go on twitter to look this girl up (I forget why). She has a twitter, and on her "bio" it reads:
"Hi. I'm Mircea Monroe. Boobs. Glad we're on the same page."
Boobs are her whole thing!!! Can I spot talent or what? And better yet, she gets it. She knows what's going on with the people looking her up.
But even better than that: Mircea Monroe doesn't just have a twitter. Mircea Monroe's BOOBS have their own twitter page. Her tits tweet things!
Here's the weird thing though:
When you search for someone using their name on twitter, what comes up is people who have recently tweeted at them. And who was the first person on there, the person who had most recently tweeted at Mircea Monroe?
The Babysitter!
Monday, July 09, 2012
Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted, Ep 9. Fantasy Suites
We're finally here. Fantasy suites. I think when Emily was on Brad's season, she chose to forego the fantasy suite out of respect for Steve Zahn. Will she do the same tonight...or will she have sex with three dudes? Just kidding, Jef is for sure a virgin.
You know what Jef calls a fantasy suite? He calls it "yet another room I will never have sex in".
We are in Curazao, and you have to give it up to Emily - from what she had to choose from, these probably were the 3 best guys, right? Could she have done any better? I think not. No disrespect, Wolf.
Emily's first date is with Sean, who is wearing an extremely deep V. It's very uncomfortable. It's so deep that he'd be showing less chest if he wasn't wearing a shirt at all.
The Bachelor Copter! They've shown amazing restraint on the copter use this year. It flies them from a beach...to another, similar looking beach. That was helpful.
If you ever have insomnia, just listen to Emily and Sean have a conversation. They talk about Sean's past relationships, and his inability to commit to a woman. Emily has faith that he can do it. Of course she does. Because men can be changed, everyone knows that!
At dinner, Sean has written a letter to Ricki. These guys are real letter writers, aren't they? Why is he reading it to Emily, isn't it for Ricki? Kinda rude.
Sean finally says "I love you". Can you really trust that I love you? He knows the fantasy suite card is in her pocket right now.
Someone in the comments last week wondered about so many of the guys saying "I love you" already, and yes, I think this is the fastest it's happened. But you have to remember that Chris was insane, and also an idiot.
Emily pulls out the fantasy suite card. Sean accepts. I guess setting a good example for Ricki is over, and it's time to get some dick!
Wow, Emily really supersized those tits. Hey Ricki, this is how women's bodies are supposed to look.
By the way, their kissing seems awfully tame compared to the tonsil hockey they were playing against the wall that time. A lot of pecks.
BUT WAIT! After kissing in the hot tub, Emily kicks Sean out of the fantasy suite. She's still setting an example, people. So this is less of a fantasy suite and more of a blue balls suite.
Jef is up next. Going from Sean to Jef is like going from Thor to...Jef.
Emily is still scared that Jef's family has not approved of girls in the past. Translation: Jef's family is Mormon and she used to watch "Big Love" and she's sketchy about the whole thing.
Part of the problem of Emily picking the right guys is that nothing interesting happens. We need a Courtney to spice things up.
They swim and kiss and Jef is in love. Are Mormons allowed to masturbate? Cause Jef is going to wish he could when he's alone in his hotel room later.
Jef asks Emily: "if we end up together, where would you like to live?" Emily lies and says she would move to wherever he is. Such bullshit. She'll never leave Charlotte. And she's certainly not going to leave for Jef and Salt Lake City. "Jazz games and churches of latter day saints, oh my!"
Jef begins a question, "Emily, you know Ricki better than anyone...". I don't know why, but that makes me laugh a lot.
Okay, a lot to dive into here. Emily brings out the fantasy suite card. Jef: "That's a tough question to ask. I think it would be awesome to forego our individual rooms and spend some time in a fantasy suite together...but you're daughter is going to be watching this, and my family is going to be watching this".
New rule: no more Mormons on reality shows! We're not watching for good behavior, we're watching for fucking. I'm starting to think that Emily isn't a perfect match for Jef, but you know who might be?
Ricki.
Seriously. They're right for each other. They're both virgins, they both look like Steve Zahn, they both look up to Emily like a mother.
All right, the final date is with Ari. Ricki would get the wrong idea if Emily spent the night with someone, but she's cool with her making out with every guy she sees.
They go swimming with dolphins. But really, they just kiss the entire time. "Miss Maynard, the reason I called you down here is that your daughter is kissing every boy in school. She said she learned it by watching you".
At dinner, Ari goes on and on about his awesome bachelor lifestyle and Emily doesn't like hearing it. He sleeps in 'till 9am! He goes out for dinner every night! What a dick. You should be respecting Ricki and never leaving your house, you jerk.
Emily announces that she'd be "so happy" to move to Scottsdale. I just don't feel like Emily could be happy moving to another city, especially with Ari, when he's traveling around every weekend. And then Emily is all alone in Arizona with no friends. I don't see it happening. And also, Ari's face is really oily.
Ari says something weird about how Emily makes him feel like the man in the relationship and no one has ever done that before. And then he does this:
Emily does that weird thing where she pretends that Ari is really good looking. In a twist, she doesn't even give Ari the fantasy suite card. Apparently, Ari is too much of a temptation for her. She cries to us about it.
Emily looks at video messages from the guys before she makes her decision. Pretty interesting final rose ceremony here. They didn't do that usual thing of setting up the possible flaws or problems with the guys. All of the dates just went extremely well. Very weird.
And Emily says the same thing. The guy she's eliminating has no idea it's coming because everything went so great. This could be the perfect storm of tears.
I'm thinking it has to be Jef. First of all, he's 12 years old. Secondly, his hair. Third, the only hint of anything problematic in this episode was the doubt about his Mormonism, er, family.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
JEF - whoa! Upset city right out of the gate.
Now I have to think it's Sean...
ARI - yep.
Unreal. You know what killed Sean, don't you? Too perfect! The too perfect label strikes again. Sean goes on the too perfect junk heap with Doug and the patron saint of perfect, Jake the fake pilot.
It feels...wrong. Ari vs. Sean is a cool matchup. Jef just isn't believable to me. He's a sweet guy, sure, but she's not gonna marry that guy and his creepy family.
I did say that those Emily/Sean kisses did not look good. Something was different. She also didn't ask him about living in Dallas, and she talked to the other guys about moving to their cities.
Also, as I wrote above, Sean had nothing interesting to say. He wasn't fun or entertaining. He's perfect looking, he's nice, but a lady wants to laugh!
Sean has to be looked at as a future Bachelor, but I will go on record right now as not liking that idea. He will attract hot looking ladies, but he's got no personality. An Irwin wants to laugh!
It should be noted that Sean sells insurance for a living. It also should be noted how ginormous Emily's boobs look right now.
Next week: The Men tell all! And Chris claims this is "the most emotional season ever!" And for the finale, they hint that Emily chooses neither of them. The ol' Kelly Taylor "I choose me" routine, I love it. But we'll see, I think it's Ari.
Goodnight.
You know what Jef calls a fantasy suite? He calls it "yet another room I will never have sex in".
We are in Curazao, and you have to give it up to Emily - from what she had to choose from, these probably were the 3 best guys, right? Could she have done any better? I think not. No disrespect, Wolf.
Emily's first date is with Sean, who is wearing an extremely deep V. It's very uncomfortable. It's so deep that he'd be showing less chest if he wasn't wearing a shirt at all.
The Bachelor Copter! They've shown amazing restraint on the copter use this year. It flies them from a beach...to another, similar looking beach. That was helpful.
If you ever have insomnia, just listen to Emily and Sean have a conversation. They talk about Sean's past relationships, and his inability to commit to a woman. Emily has faith that he can do it. Of course she does. Because men can be changed, everyone knows that!
At dinner, Sean has written a letter to Ricki. These guys are real letter writers, aren't they? Why is he reading it to Emily, isn't it for Ricki? Kinda rude.
Sean finally says "I love you". Can you really trust that I love you? He knows the fantasy suite card is in her pocket right now.
Someone in the comments last week wondered about so many of the guys saying "I love you" already, and yes, I think this is the fastest it's happened. But you have to remember that Chris was insane, and also an idiot.
Emily pulls out the fantasy suite card. Sean accepts. I guess setting a good example for Ricki is over, and it's time to get some dick!
Wow, Emily really supersized those tits. Hey Ricki, this is how women's bodies are supposed to look.
By the way, their kissing seems awfully tame compared to the tonsil hockey they were playing against the wall that time. A lot of pecks.
BUT WAIT! After kissing in the hot tub, Emily kicks Sean out of the fantasy suite. She's still setting an example, people. So this is less of a fantasy suite and more of a blue balls suite.
Jef is up next. Going from Sean to Jef is like going from Thor to...Jef.
Emily is still scared that Jef's family has not approved of girls in the past. Translation: Jef's family is Mormon and she used to watch "Big Love" and she's sketchy about the whole thing.
Part of the problem of Emily picking the right guys is that nothing interesting happens. We need a Courtney to spice things up.
They swim and kiss and Jef is in love. Are Mormons allowed to masturbate? Cause Jef is going to wish he could when he's alone in his hotel room later.
Jef asks Emily: "if we end up together, where would you like to live?" Emily lies and says she would move to wherever he is. Such bullshit. She'll never leave Charlotte. And she's certainly not going to leave for Jef and Salt Lake City. "Jazz games and churches of latter day saints, oh my!"
Jef begins a question, "Emily, you know Ricki better than anyone...". I don't know why, but that makes me laugh a lot.
Okay, a lot to dive into here. Emily brings out the fantasy suite card. Jef: "That's a tough question to ask. I think it would be awesome to forego our individual rooms and spend some time in a fantasy suite together...but you're daughter is going to be watching this, and my family is going to be watching this".
New rule: no more Mormons on reality shows! We're not watching for good behavior, we're watching for fucking. I'm starting to think that Emily isn't a perfect match for Jef, but you know who might be?
Ricki.
Seriously. They're right for each other. They're both virgins, they both look like Steve Zahn, they both look up to Emily like a mother.
All right, the final date is with Ari. Ricki would get the wrong idea if Emily spent the night with someone, but she's cool with her making out with every guy she sees.
They go swimming with dolphins. But really, they just kiss the entire time. "Miss Maynard, the reason I called you down here is that your daughter is kissing every boy in school. She said she learned it by watching you".
At dinner, Ari goes on and on about his awesome bachelor lifestyle and Emily doesn't like hearing it. He sleeps in 'till 9am! He goes out for dinner every night! What a dick. You should be respecting Ricki and never leaving your house, you jerk.
Emily announces that she'd be "so happy" to move to Scottsdale. I just don't feel like Emily could be happy moving to another city, especially with Ari, when he's traveling around every weekend. And then Emily is all alone in Arizona with no friends. I don't see it happening. And also, Ari's face is really oily.
Ari says something weird about how Emily makes him feel like the man in the relationship and no one has ever done that before. And then he does this:
Emily does that weird thing where she pretends that Ari is really good looking. In a twist, she doesn't even give Ari the fantasy suite card. Apparently, Ari is too much of a temptation for her. She cries to us about it.
Emily looks at video messages from the guys before she makes her decision. Pretty interesting final rose ceremony here. They didn't do that usual thing of setting up the possible flaws or problems with the guys. All of the dates just went extremely well. Very weird.
And Emily says the same thing. The guy she's eliminating has no idea it's coming because everything went so great. This could be the perfect storm of tears.
I'm thinking it has to be Jef. First of all, he's 12 years old. Secondly, his hair. Third, the only hint of anything problematic in this episode was the doubt about his Mormonism, er, family.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
JEF - whoa! Upset city right out of the gate.
Now I have to think it's Sean...
ARI - yep.
Unreal. You know what killed Sean, don't you? Too perfect! The too perfect label strikes again. Sean goes on the too perfect junk heap with Doug and the patron saint of perfect, Jake the fake pilot.
It feels...wrong. Ari vs. Sean is a cool matchup. Jef just isn't believable to me. He's a sweet guy, sure, but she's not gonna marry that guy and his creepy family.
I did say that those Emily/Sean kisses did not look good. Something was different. She also didn't ask him about living in Dallas, and she talked to the other guys about moving to their cities.
Also, as I wrote above, Sean had nothing interesting to say. He wasn't fun or entertaining. He's perfect looking, he's nice, but a lady wants to laugh!
Sean has to be looked at as a future Bachelor, but I will go on record right now as not liking that idea. He will attract hot looking ladies, but he's got no personality. An Irwin wants to laugh!
It should be noted that Sean sells insurance for a living. It also should be noted how ginormous Emily's boobs look right now.
Next week: The Men tell all! And Chris claims this is "the most emotional season ever!" And for the finale, they hint that Emily chooses neither of them. The ol' Kelly Taylor "I choose me" routine, I love it. But we'll see, I think it's Ari.
Goodnight.
Sunday, July 08, 2012
"The Newsroom" Just Blew My Mind
Tonight's Newsroom began with a very long on air speech (surprise!) by the main character, Will McAvoy, to his audience about the kind of show they would be doing from this point forward. Essentially, he was saying that network TV news shouldn't aim to be a profitable venture, it should be there to inform because it uses the public airwaves.
Setting aside the fact that this show is supposed to be about CABLE news, which doesn't use the public airwaves, I was sort of confused as to what the show was trying to tell us.
I think that we are supposed to think that before the pilot, before McAvoy's big epiphany, he was doing a lot of fluffy stories, a lot of stuff about the "McRib", to quote the episode tonight. Cause supposedly, that gets ratings.
Well, I don't know if you've watched Fox News or MSNBC in the last, say, 10 FUCKING YEARS, but they don't do stories about the McRib. They do stories about the Tea Party. They talk about terrorist bombings. Wacky Republicans. Election results. That's it, all day, every day.
And guess what McAvoy's newscasts were about in this episode? The Tea Party. Terrorist bombings. Wacky Republicans. Election results.
And management is pissed! "What happened to human interest stories?!", screams Jane Fonda.
Human interest stories? What the hell are you talking about, Aaron Sorkin? I thought he hung out on Olberman's old show to research this stuff. That's not what cable news is. That's not what they are doing. They are doing exactly the same shit Will McAvoy was doing tonight.
This show is existing in a completely different universe than the one we currently populate. McAvoy didn't need to have that big epiphany he had in the pilot, he could've just watched 3 seconds of The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell.
"He humiliated Congressional candidates on my air!", yells Jane Fonda. Guess she hasn't seen Hardball, where Chris Matthews attempts to do that every single night.
I can't possibly properly explain how crazy all of this was. It was like watching a show about the NBA, and the team owner yelling "How dare you let Lebron James play, we're trying to win here!"
Will McAvoy is telling us that the news has let us down, and to fix it, he decides to do the same news he is apologizing for.
Tonight, the show didn't jump the shark, it jumped the Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Goodnight and good luck.
Setting aside the fact that this show is supposed to be about CABLE news, which doesn't use the public airwaves, I was sort of confused as to what the show was trying to tell us.
I think that we are supposed to think that before the pilot, before McAvoy's big epiphany, he was doing a lot of fluffy stories, a lot of stuff about the "McRib", to quote the episode tonight. Cause supposedly, that gets ratings.
Well, I don't know if you've watched Fox News or MSNBC in the last, say, 10 FUCKING YEARS, but they don't do stories about the McRib. They do stories about the Tea Party. They talk about terrorist bombings. Wacky Republicans. Election results. That's it, all day, every day.
And guess what McAvoy's newscasts were about in this episode? The Tea Party. Terrorist bombings. Wacky Republicans. Election results.
And management is pissed! "What happened to human interest stories?!", screams Jane Fonda.
Human interest stories? What the hell are you talking about, Aaron Sorkin? I thought he hung out on Olberman's old show to research this stuff. That's not what cable news is. That's not what they are doing. They are doing exactly the same shit Will McAvoy was doing tonight.
This show is existing in a completely different universe than the one we currently populate. McAvoy didn't need to have that big epiphany he had in the pilot, he could've just watched 3 seconds of The Last Word with Lawrence O'Donnell.
"He humiliated Congressional candidates on my air!", yells Jane Fonda. Guess she hasn't seen Hardball, where Chris Matthews attempts to do that every single night.
I can't possibly properly explain how crazy all of this was. It was like watching a show about the NBA, and the team owner yelling "How dare you let Lebron James play, we're trying to win here!"
Will McAvoy is telling us that the news has let us down, and to fix it, he decides to do the same news he is apologizing for.
Tonight, the show didn't jump the shark, it jumped the Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Goodnight and good luck.
Thursday, July 05, 2012
The Comedy of "Remember That Thing That Happened"
Is anyone noticing how weird Mark Wahlberg is yet? And even weirder: his career. How is this guy executive producing every single show on HBO? I'll tell you how:
He doesn't masturbate.
Mark Wahlberg had some weird epiphany awhile ago and completely changed his life. I don't want to speculate, but I will. I think his wife caught him cheating or something, and now Marky Mark (he hates that) has devoted his life to her and to God.
Do you know that Mark Wahlberg goes to church every day? He does.
As mentioned above, he also doesn't masturbate. Why? Cause he says his wife is so beautiful and he "doesn't need to". Everyone needs to!
Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George stops thinking about sex and suddenly becomes a genius? That is what has happened to Wahlberg!
His wife busted his ass and demanded a change. And now he doesn't cheat, he doesn't masturbate, he goes to church every day, he doesn't think about sex, and he's devoted all of his thoughts to his career.
He was on Howard Stern the other day and you should've heard him. He was reciting box office grosses, tracking numbers, names, dates, locations! His mind is completely uncluttered from sexual thoughts.
He's getting into the diet supplement business. His brand is called, you guessed it, "Marked". He started a burger chain, "Wahlburgers". He's buying up books to make TV shows out of. He's financing movies and taking out his cut from the back end. This is what you get done when you stop looking for your next orgasm.
Did you know that Mark Wahlberg's goal is to run a studio? Cause it is. And at this rate, he's going to do it. So the lesson: stop jerkin' it, you lazy pervs.
And he does it all without having one ounce of a sense of humor about himself. Just none at all. It's astounding. He can't understand humor, and yet he's now starring in comedies.
But this isn't about Marky Mark Wahlberg.
I just bring it up because I saw "Ted", which he is in. And I wanted to make an observation about the movie and the man who wrote and directed, Seth MacFarlane.
There's a scene in the movie, a classic MacFarlane/Family guy type "flashback" scene, where Wahlberg is remembering something from his life as a scene from "Airplane". Remember the scene? Where Stryker first meets his girlfriend, and they dance together and he straddles her and she twirls him around?
Anyway, the scene in "Ted" is done in the exact same way as the Airplane scene. Nothing is changed. It is not made bigger, it is a replica. I mean, how would you spoof a spoof? You can't, and MacFarlane doesn't.
In the theater I was in, the scene got big laughs. But I could tell, they were not laughs because these people were recognizing it from "Airplane", they were laughing because they thought it was an original, funny scene.
Hence, lies the problem.
I call it "the comedy of remember that thing that happened", and Seth MacFarlane has made about $200 million dollars from it.
Many, many, many of his "jokes" are just references. People are reminded of that thing that happened, their brain goes "hey, I remember that thing that happened!", that was funny when that thing happened, and they laugh.
Add in a swearing Teddy Bear - Teddy Bears aren't supposed to swear! Hilarious! - and you have a giant movie.
But here's the thing...
Don't you have a duty to put your own spin on things? These flashback jokes - which have nothing to do with story or anything, they're just for joke sake - are bad enough. But when you're doing them as pure reference, it feels like some cheap bullshit.
Just look at this "Airplane" joke example.
If you actually put some effort in, and add a twist to your reference - then when people don't get the reference, they are at least laughing at something that is at least partially yours.
Apparently I'm the only one who feels this way. Being out of the 18-34 demo never felt so lonely.
So laugh on, America, nothing to see here.
He doesn't masturbate.
Mark Wahlberg had some weird epiphany awhile ago and completely changed his life. I don't want to speculate, but I will. I think his wife caught him cheating or something, and now Marky Mark (he hates that) has devoted his life to her and to God.
Do you know that Mark Wahlberg goes to church every day? He does.
As mentioned above, he also doesn't masturbate. Why? Cause he says his wife is so beautiful and he "doesn't need to". Everyone needs to!
Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George stops thinking about sex and suddenly becomes a genius? That is what has happened to Wahlberg!
His wife busted his ass and demanded a change. And now he doesn't cheat, he doesn't masturbate, he goes to church every day, he doesn't think about sex, and he's devoted all of his thoughts to his career.
He was on Howard Stern the other day and you should've heard him. He was reciting box office grosses, tracking numbers, names, dates, locations! His mind is completely uncluttered from sexual thoughts.
He's getting into the diet supplement business. His brand is called, you guessed it, "Marked". He started a burger chain, "Wahlburgers". He's buying up books to make TV shows out of. He's financing movies and taking out his cut from the back end. This is what you get done when you stop looking for your next orgasm.
Did you know that Mark Wahlberg's goal is to run a studio? Cause it is. And at this rate, he's going to do it. So the lesson: stop jerkin' it, you lazy pervs.
And he does it all without having one ounce of a sense of humor about himself. Just none at all. It's astounding. He can't understand humor, and yet he's now starring in comedies.
But this isn't about Marky Mark Wahlberg.
I just bring it up because I saw "Ted", which he is in. And I wanted to make an observation about the movie and the man who wrote and directed, Seth MacFarlane.
There's a scene in the movie, a classic MacFarlane/Family guy type "flashback" scene, where Wahlberg is remembering something from his life as a scene from "Airplane". Remember the scene? Where Stryker first meets his girlfriend, and they dance together and he straddles her and she twirls him around?
Anyway, the scene in "Ted" is done in the exact same way as the Airplane scene. Nothing is changed. It is not made bigger, it is a replica. I mean, how would you spoof a spoof? You can't, and MacFarlane doesn't.
In the theater I was in, the scene got big laughs. But I could tell, they were not laughs because these people were recognizing it from "Airplane", they were laughing because they thought it was an original, funny scene.
Hence, lies the problem.
I call it "the comedy of remember that thing that happened", and Seth MacFarlane has made about $200 million dollars from it.
Many, many, many of his "jokes" are just references. People are reminded of that thing that happened, their brain goes "hey, I remember that thing that happened!", that was funny when that thing happened, and they laugh.
Add in a swearing Teddy Bear - Teddy Bears aren't supposed to swear! Hilarious! - and you have a giant movie.
But here's the thing...
Don't you have a duty to put your own spin on things? These flashback jokes - which have nothing to do with story or anything, they're just for joke sake - are bad enough. But when you're doing them as pure reference, it feels like some cheap bullshit.
Just look at this "Airplane" joke example.
If you actually put some effort in, and add a twist to your reference - then when people don't get the reference, they are at least laughing at something that is at least partially yours.
Apparently I'm the only one who feels this way. Being out of the 18-34 demo never felt so lonely.
So laugh on, America, nothing to see here.
Tuesday, July 03, 2012
Monday, July 02, 2012
Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted: Ep 8. Hometown Visits
A little bummed about tonight's episode. They released a picture of the cast of Bachelor Pad, and put a blur over the face of the guy who is getting eliminated tonight...and you could totally tell who it was. So there is no suspense here, although really, there wasn't any anyway. One of these guys is not like the others...
In a related note, yes, I can identify each of these guys just by seeing their magnificent pecs.
We open with...little Steve Zahn! Emily missed her so much, or at least she says she does. Hey, are you guys noticing this one interview with Emily they keep showing where she looks a little different? And the skin on her arm and chest is all splotchy and weird? If not, please take note.
Thank you, Samsung, for making me see the ugly parts of everyone.
Apparently, the hometown visits weren't that interesting, because they open the show with Emily recapping all of the guys and her history with them. Yes, we know. Chris has no lips, Jef is not a man, Ari is homely, and Sean will pin you to a wall and stick his tongue down your throat.
The first date is in Chicago with No Lips. Just think, this could totally be Wolf right now. He'd be doing Wolf things, like, remember that time he played for his high school basketball team and led them to the state champtionship, even though he played the final game as a human. Alas, that was when Wolf was a teen, and he's gone now and we need to move on.
Chris tells us how Polish he is. You know how Polish guys take showers? They piss into fans.
Emily tells us that Chris knows "all of the cool places to show me" in Chicago, and they go into a tiny bar that no one is in that doesn't look cool at all.
This guy fell apart last episode, and he's continuing the descent here. He's just mumbling, and seems on the verge of tears. I can't understand what he's saying, which is understandable, it's impossible to read the lips of someone who doesn't have any.
I hate his mannerisms! He's so awkward it's hard to even watch him.
Chris says his parents are "going to be pumped to meet their future daughter in law". Too bad she's not here.
We meet Chris' parents and two sisters. He wasn't lying, his Dad is super Polish. And one of Chris' sisters is the ugly version of Emily. She must be so sad at that dinner table, "oh, that's what I'm supposed to look like? Shit".
Oh no! Chris' other sister, the better looking brunette, has Chris' lips! God, and genetics, are cruel.
The sister tells Emily that if Chris isn't the one, get rid of him now. Thanks a lot, sis, that gives Emily the easy excuse later. If I got eliminated from this show and then found out my sister said that, I would lose my mind. Let me get to the fantasy suite, bitch! What a cock blocking move. This is the worst episode to leave on. It's right before the overnight. It's pre-ass! You wanna go post ass, that's just basic science.
The visit ends with a big Polish party and some awkward dancing. Since they're Polish I have to assume they got confused and think this is Chris and Emily's wedding reception.
The second date is with Jef in Utah. Remember, they're not in South Carolina where his parents live because they are on their Mormon mission. I'm no expert, but I thought just young people go on missions, but that's how much Jef's parents love winning hearts and minds. They're the Bush and Condi of Mormons.
Jef's family has a ranch and Emily loves it. They ride a dunebuggy of some sort and then shoot guns. Emily is surprised, Jef "in his skinny jeans" is more country than she thought. I love how Emily is pretending she's country, when she revealed a few episodes ago that she's a hoodrat. Her shooting skills come from taking down liquor stores. Luckily she resists the urge to hold it sideways like a G.
LOOPING ALERT! Okay, there's some voice over from Jef. He says "my parents are in South Carolina...doing charity work". And the "doing charity work" part is totally recorded at a different time. That was changed for some reason. It's a Mormon conspiracy. Call Howard Hughes.
Despite the fact that the parents aren't here, there are tons of people meeting Emily. It's not clear who all of these folks are, but it's brother and sisters, possibly some in law. Another drawback of bigamy - too much family. I just hope the little kids with them aren't married too.
Jef's brother Steve is the dick of the family, probably because he's losing his hair while Jef is sporting a prolific mane. Steve grills Emily about love. I bet Emily wishes they allowed alcohol in Utah right now.
Emily is still pretending that she would move somewhere for a guy. Yeah, right.
Steve says: "Jef is a little more wild and moving and shaking..." Yeah, he's real wild. In fairness though, Steve makes Jef look like Tommy Lee.
Later, Jef reads a letter to Emily. They don't have email in Utah yet.
The third date is with Ari in Scottsdale, Arizona. She goes to a track where Ari is racing his car. I guess he wanted to remind her of her dead fiance. Emily describes Ari as looking "stupid hot". I agree with the former, not the latter.
Ari talks to Emily like she's never been in a race car before. For the next part of the date, Ari is going to take her on a small plane to an Indy car event. Jesus. Recognize, son.
I just realized who Ari looks like...
Ari is being all spooky about his parents possibly being jerks, scaring Emily for no reason. Apparently, they're very European. I think they might still be mad about the Revolution or the War of 1812 or some shit.
Sure enough, his parents speak Dutch in front of Emily and make it seem like they're talking trash about her. Emily's hood rat senses are up. "Oh, hell no!"
Ari's Mom gets Emily alone and asks her why it didn't work with Brad. Aren't Europeans supposed to be chill about stuff like this? Where is that dude who raped that maid when you need him?
The Ari's love Emily. There has not been one ounce of drama thus far, every intriguing promo and teaser has been completely manufactured.
And the last date is with Sean, in Dallas. Emily calls Sean perfect. You know who else she called perfect? Doug.
Sean has tremendous confidence. But it's that creepy kind of confidence where he thinks everything is God's will, and Jesus is his co-pilot.
Emily was worried about Sean's house and family being so perfect, and I have to say, it really is perfect. Who is this guy? Everyone is good looking and the place is nice, and there's a giant dollhouse. But then Sean drops the bombshell...
Sean still lives with his parents. Emily interviews to us, "mmmh". Not happy. Then Sean takes Emily up to his room and it's a mess.
Uh oh, I'm smelling a bit. This seems like a prank.
And indeed it is. Oh Lord. They really had nothing this episode, so they made up this crap to try and get something for the promos. This is depressing. Emily doesn't seem to think this "joke" is too funny.
Sean is a big hunk of a man, there's just no denying it.
Sean's Dad is awesome. Maybe he is perfect! But not the Doug kind, the actual kind.
Just in case you were wondering, Sean's Mom? Also perfect!
These people are making the Ari's look like the Mussolini's.
It's funny, after watching the first date, you could almost make a case for Chris. Then you see the last three guys and you can't believe Chris is still on this show. Not for long...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Jef looks like he should be sitting at the kids table at this cermony.
ARI
JEF
Gee, will she go for Lipless or the greatest guy who has ever lived...
SEAN
Maybe Chris should've called for a talk with Emily before she said the final name like last week. Wolf is still kicking himself over that maneuver.
They go outside for their final chat. Chris is incensed! What the hell? He's like, "do you have an explanation? It was me. Yes, it was! I don't understand. I told you I loved you!" Guy. Settle. If only you knew how not even close you were.
I knew Wolf, I was friends with Wolf, and you sir, are about the same as Wolf. And have you seen Sean? Have you seen Sean's parents?
"Everything seemed like it was perfect". Chris, maybe that's because you didn't have to look at you.
In the crying car, Chris claims "I'm 10 times the man the rest of the dudes are". You're 10 times worse.
Next week: they head to the Caribbean and Sean says the L word. And it looks like she finally separates the men from the Jef's.
And during the credits, we discover that Sean's family isn't perfect. Their lone flaw: huge fans of the show Punk'd.
In a related note, yes, I can identify each of these guys just by seeing their magnificent pecs.
We open with...little Steve Zahn! Emily missed her so much, or at least she says she does. Hey, are you guys noticing this one interview with Emily they keep showing where she looks a little different? And the skin on her arm and chest is all splotchy and weird? If not, please take note.
Thank you, Samsung, for making me see the ugly parts of everyone.
Apparently, the hometown visits weren't that interesting, because they open the show with Emily recapping all of the guys and her history with them. Yes, we know. Chris has no lips, Jef is not a man, Ari is homely, and Sean will pin you to a wall and stick his tongue down your throat.
The first date is in Chicago with No Lips. Just think, this could totally be Wolf right now. He'd be doing Wolf things, like, remember that time he played for his high school basketball team and led them to the state champtionship, even though he played the final game as a human. Alas, that was when Wolf was a teen, and he's gone now and we need to move on.
Chris tells us how Polish he is. You know how Polish guys take showers? They piss into fans.
Emily tells us that Chris knows "all of the cool places to show me" in Chicago, and they go into a tiny bar that no one is in that doesn't look cool at all.
This guy fell apart last episode, and he's continuing the descent here. He's just mumbling, and seems on the verge of tears. I can't understand what he's saying, which is understandable, it's impossible to read the lips of someone who doesn't have any.
I hate his mannerisms! He's so awkward it's hard to even watch him.
Chris says his parents are "going to be pumped to meet their future daughter in law". Too bad she's not here.
We meet Chris' parents and two sisters. He wasn't lying, his Dad is super Polish. And one of Chris' sisters is the ugly version of Emily. She must be so sad at that dinner table, "oh, that's what I'm supposed to look like? Shit".
Oh no! Chris' other sister, the better looking brunette, has Chris' lips! God, and genetics, are cruel.
The sister tells Emily that if Chris isn't the one, get rid of him now. Thanks a lot, sis, that gives Emily the easy excuse later. If I got eliminated from this show and then found out my sister said that, I would lose my mind. Let me get to the fantasy suite, bitch! What a cock blocking move. This is the worst episode to leave on. It's right before the overnight. It's pre-ass! You wanna go post ass, that's just basic science.
The visit ends with a big Polish party and some awkward dancing. Since they're Polish I have to assume they got confused and think this is Chris and Emily's wedding reception.
The second date is with Jef in Utah. Remember, they're not in South Carolina where his parents live because they are on their Mormon mission. I'm no expert, but I thought just young people go on missions, but that's how much Jef's parents love winning hearts and minds. They're the Bush and Condi of Mormons.
Jef's family has a ranch and Emily loves it. They ride a dunebuggy of some sort and then shoot guns. Emily is surprised, Jef "in his skinny jeans" is more country than she thought. I love how Emily is pretending she's country, when she revealed a few episodes ago that she's a hoodrat. Her shooting skills come from taking down liquor stores. Luckily she resists the urge to hold it sideways like a G.
LOOPING ALERT! Okay, there's some voice over from Jef. He says "my parents are in South Carolina...doing charity work". And the "doing charity work" part is totally recorded at a different time. That was changed for some reason. It's a Mormon conspiracy. Call Howard Hughes.
Despite the fact that the parents aren't here, there are tons of people meeting Emily. It's not clear who all of these folks are, but it's brother and sisters, possibly some in law. Another drawback of bigamy - too much family. I just hope the little kids with them aren't married too.
Jef's brother Steve is the dick of the family, probably because he's losing his hair while Jef is sporting a prolific mane. Steve grills Emily about love. I bet Emily wishes they allowed alcohol in Utah right now.
Emily is still pretending that she would move somewhere for a guy. Yeah, right.
Steve says: "Jef is a little more wild and moving and shaking..." Yeah, he's real wild. In fairness though, Steve makes Jef look like Tommy Lee.
Later, Jef reads a letter to Emily. They don't have email in Utah yet.
The third date is with Ari in Scottsdale, Arizona. She goes to a track where Ari is racing his car. I guess he wanted to remind her of her dead fiance. Emily describes Ari as looking "stupid hot". I agree with the former, not the latter.
Ari talks to Emily like she's never been in a race car before. For the next part of the date, Ari is going to take her on a small plane to an Indy car event. Jesus. Recognize, son.
I just realized who Ari looks like...
Ari is being all spooky about his parents possibly being jerks, scaring Emily for no reason. Apparently, they're very European. I think they might still be mad about the Revolution or the War of 1812 or some shit.
Sure enough, his parents speak Dutch in front of Emily and make it seem like they're talking trash about her. Emily's hood rat senses are up. "Oh, hell no!"
Ari's Mom gets Emily alone and asks her why it didn't work with Brad. Aren't Europeans supposed to be chill about stuff like this? Where is that dude who raped that maid when you need him?
The Ari's love Emily. There has not been one ounce of drama thus far, every intriguing promo and teaser has been completely manufactured.
And the last date is with Sean, in Dallas. Emily calls Sean perfect. You know who else she called perfect? Doug.
Sean has tremendous confidence. But it's that creepy kind of confidence where he thinks everything is God's will, and Jesus is his co-pilot.
Emily was worried about Sean's house and family being so perfect, and I have to say, it really is perfect. Who is this guy? Everyone is good looking and the place is nice, and there's a giant dollhouse. But then Sean drops the bombshell...
Sean still lives with his parents. Emily interviews to us, "mmmh". Not happy. Then Sean takes Emily up to his room and it's a mess.
Uh oh, I'm smelling a bit. This seems like a prank.
And indeed it is. Oh Lord. They really had nothing this episode, so they made up this crap to try and get something for the promos. This is depressing. Emily doesn't seem to think this "joke" is too funny.
Sean is a big hunk of a man, there's just no denying it.
Sean's Dad is awesome. Maybe he is perfect! But not the Doug kind, the actual kind.
Just in case you were wondering, Sean's Mom? Also perfect!
These people are making the Ari's look like the Mussolini's.
It's funny, after watching the first date, you could almost make a case for Chris. Then you see the last three guys and you can't believe Chris is still on this show. Not for long...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Jef looks like he should be sitting at the kids table at this cermony.
ARI
JEF
Gee, will she go for Lipless or the greatest guy who has ever lived...
SEAN
Maybe Chris should've called for a talk with Emily before she said the final name like last week. Wolf is still kicking himself over that maneuver.
They go outside for their final chat. Chris is incensed! What the hell? He's like, "do you have an explanation? It was me. Yes, it was! I don't understand. I told you I loved you!" Guy. Settle. If only you knew how not even close you were.
I knew Wolf, I was friends with Wolf, and you sir, are about the same as Wolf. And have you seen Sean? Have you seen Sean's parents?
"Everything seemed like it was perfect". Chris, maybe that's because you didn't have to look at you.
In the crying car, Chris claims "I'm 10 times the man the rest of the dudes are". You're 10 times worse.
Next week: they head to the Caribbean and Sean says the L word. And it looks like she finally separates the men from the Jef's.
And during the credits, we discover that Sean's family isn't perfect. Their lone flaw: huge fans of the show Punk'd.
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