Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep 2

I was saying to someone the other day that episode 2 of The Bachelor might be my favorite episode each season. Because in the first, we only see the ladies in those awful cocktail dresses, all made up. But in episode 2, we see them in casual clothes, with less makeup, and if the producers are doing their jobs, in bathing suits. This, as they say, is when the women get separated from the uglies.

How do you think the show begins? If you answered "with Sean, sweaty and shirtless", you'd be correct! Huge surprise there.

Is Chris Harrison getting younger? He looks great. I guess divorcing the old bag and banging ex Bachelor contestants will do that for you.

Okay, another shocker: who do you think gets the first one on on date? That's right, One Armed Mcgee! Can't they at least pretend the deck isn't stacked for her? This is like giving people in wheel chairs great parking spaces.

Sorry, one more: can you guess how she gets picked up? You've done it again, it's The Bachelor Copter! And we have to go through the tired motions of all of the women being impressed by it.

She says: "this is probably the biggest dream come true of my life so far". If I had one arm, flying in a helicopter would not be in the top ten of dreams I'd want to come true. All 10 would be to have two arms. 

Also, "my ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have". Technically, this isn't true - if you've ever gotten a decent hand job you know what I'm talking about.

By the way, she's one of the prettiest girls here, that's not hurting matters.

On their date, they are going to "free fall" 300 feet off of a building. Seems like a good plan. But what if her healthy arm gets stuck in a rock and she can't get it out for 127 hours? What then, Sean? What then?!!!

Somehow, the definition of "free fall" is to be completely strapped into a bunch of stuff, and then, in a controlled fall, go down 35 stories. I mean, it still was scary. I wouldn't do it. But there was nothing free about that fall.

Oh shit. She's got a story for Sean. The sad piano plays. She says she was once told that she wasn't allowed to go zip lining because she has a disability. Her dad was there, and told her "this is why you need a man". Um, Dad, I got news for you, you're a man! How about standing up for your one armed daughter there? Let's remember that story when hometown visits happen.

Back at the house, the fire marshall shows up. He says there's a code violation - there's never been this many black women in the house. 

87% of Sean and Sarah's conversation on their date is arm-related.

They make out, and Sean does not take Ari's kissing advice. This isn't even a make out. This looks like a couple of 10 year olds doing what they think kissing should be.

Group date. They go to a large house. They're doing a modeling shoot. Uh oh, the girls who are models will have an unfair advantage! Except for they're not good looking.

As expected, Kristy, the "model", is super excited.

I have to say, the girls are holding up well in their casual clothes. This group might be better looking than previous thought.

Tierra, the evil bitch, has fantastic breasts. Of course she does. You don't have to be nice with those tits. Be as mean as you want, it's all good.

She is hot, but she claims to be 24 and she's already looking a little rough. She might be 35. If let loose, those boobs might be knee bangers.

Lesley, my Washington DC dark horse, shows "a little bit of a sexy side'. Well, she has a nice belly, at least. The camera man tells her and Sean to kiss, and they barely touch lips, so all of the other women get angry. They liked her a lot better when they thought she was ugly with a shitty stomach.

Kristy wins the modeling competition. I'll give it to Kristy, she looks kinda good. But she can also look harsh. Very harsh. Don't believe me?

Sean and Lesley get some alone time, and go to the one spot where there is no lighting. This is strange, they are sitting in the dark. It's like a Halloween episode. Also, Sean can't kiss. This is getting sad. He's the total package! Except he can't talk or kiss or keep his shirt on or hold down a job or cheat on Jesus...

Kacie B. finally gets some air time. She gets Sean alone, with lighting. They talk about their past history which we didn't get to see. Sean talks of having to shift Kacie out of the friend zone. Yikes. Whoa! Kacie just said "friend zone" after I typed it! We might be soul mates. And don't forget we're both part black too.

Uh oh, my love for Kacie is being torn apart by Selma. She's a doll. She might not be the sharpest tool in the shed though. But who cares? Tierra's sharp, and she's a psychopath. I'll take the hot dull blade anytime.

Sean is smitten with Tierra. He is dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.

Amy Irving hates playing the game, and all the girls. This isn't going to end well for her. Also not ending well, her hair. It's not split ending well.

 "Hi, I'm going on national TV, can you make me look like shit, please?"

She tells Sean that she wants to go home. Wow. I respect that. Luckily, more birds in Charlotte will have a place to call home now.

Sean gives the date rose to Kacie B. Oh Selma, that just means more time for us.

It's time for another one on one date, and evidently, an episode of "Punk'd". The date is with Desiree, and they're going to do a hidden camera prank on her. An expensive piece of art is going to fall and they're going to make her think it's her fault. Romance sure has changed, hasn't it?

Sean starts to feel bad because Desiree is so sweet. No one would feel bad if this was Tierra. She's left alone, and the art thing falls. I'm very uncomfortable with pranks. I don't like this. She doesn't give that much of a reaction. It's lame.

I'll point this out because it needs to be pointed out: she has bangs. So fuck her, she deserves to get pranked. She's pranking the world with that hair style.  

Desiree says the saddest thing: "I was a good sport so I hope he sees that in me". Sweetie, you should be pissed! You do realize you have the option not to like him, right?

Bathing suit alert. They seem to be getting along well. I didn't see this coming at all. Suddenly, Desiree has jumped into the lead! She's like Colin Freaking Kaepernick right now, running towards the end zone. Impressive.

He offers her the rose and she plays cool for a minute. She says, I don't know, that was a mean prank. Holy crap, who is this girl? She's screwing up my assigned role for her!

Cocktail party. Lindsay is here. She's the wedding dress girl, and she wasn't on any of the dates. I think she's still drunk from a week ago. Sean says to her, "I'm all about family". And she goes, "YOU ARE?!!!"

Oh, how the bar is lowered on this show. If I mentioned that I was all about family to a girl on the street I'd probably get slapped in the face.

Sean only has to send home 2 girls and he's pretending like he doesn't know who it is going to be, when we all know it's going to be the black ones.

There's some girl named Amanda who we've never seen before acting like a crazy person. She's sitting on the couch with her arms crossed looking ugly and refusing to talk to people. Oh! I just looked at last week's recap and found out that Amanda is the "fit" model. Not fit? Her face.

FYI: Selma looks a thousand times hotter when she's not dressed up with tons of makeup. Hey gay guys, stop messing up women.

Robyn (a black girl), with the quote of the night. She says: "I have noticed that the show is becoming more culturally diverse. I'm actually interested in getting to know what he's looking for and how race plays into it...I'm not completely and totally sure Sean is attracted to black females". Sing it, sister!

Then she gets Sean alone, and asks him: "the show has gotten more diverse, what are you attracted to?" Sean is cool with it, like he knew it was coming. He says people assume he only likes blonde hair and blue eyes, but he doesn't have a type. He's dated "everybody". And this bombshell:

His last girlfriend was black!

Wow. There's just one problem: there aren't any hot black girls in this house. So they're going home anyway. He's not gonna play the race card, he's gonna play the hot card.

Uh oh, Selma starts speaking Muslim...or something. She might be Persian, which can only mean one thing, nose job. 

Sean gets Amanda alone, and she's suddenly all smiles. She is not cute at all, by the way. She looks like Jessica Hecht, the actress who played Carol's wife on "Friends". Yuck.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

ASHLEE - didn't see much of her this week, but she's probably top 5 in hotness

LINDSAY - huge comeback week for her! A tale of two cocktail parties

ROBYN - she Johnny Cochraned him

JACKIE - didn't see much of her either, also in that elite top 5

LESLEY - the dark horse rides again!

SELMA - Abu Nasir is gonna be pissed

CATHERINE - token asian

KRISTY - she's a model, guys. Never forget that

LESLIE H. - the very strange looking black woman

TIERRA - the Dark Lord Lucifer

TARYN - we didn't see her all show, but she is a rough looking blonde

 DANIELLA - I'm really not a fan of this chick

AMANDA - yikes. She is seriously awful

I'm not even sure who is going home. I think the cutest of the black girls is. And a white girl I've never seen before in my life.

Oh, the black girl is named Brooke. She should've brought up the black thing like Robyn did. The white girl is named Diana. She's the single mom! That's right, she looks way different tonight, and not in a good way. See ya.

Next week: More "free" falling! More bad lighting! Lindsay stays on the comeback trail. And Kristy dies.

Goodnight!