I'm fired up tonight. As you know, I'm single Handleman now. That means that I've been on the dating scene. And I've been having to restrain myself from numerous "women are the worst" posts. So this is my forum to let it all out. Let's begin!
We start things off, not with Sean's naked breasts, but with the 13 remaining ladies and Chris Harrison. Hold up! After a quick announcement by Chris, we cut to Sean's exposed bosom as he gets out of bed - black skivvies and nothing else. Thanks for not letting me down, that's easily a week's worth of masturbation material.
The winner of tonight's first one on one date is richly deserved - it's Selma. Finally! She's the hottest girl in the house. Well, the hottest girl in the house who has all 4 limbs.
The ugly black girl is crying about this for some reason. She says "I just really want a date". Well, then maybe you should chase after dudes who are more on your level. Your level = not cute.
It should be noted that Selma is one of the only girls left with bigger tits than Sean.
Selma gets in her workout clothes and they drive to a private plane. Selma: "is every date gonna be like this?" No, Selma, I'm pretty sure every date isn't going to be like this. In some, you will be flown by helicopter. And when the cameras are gone, they'll be in a pickup truck as you are driven to a mega church.
In the plane, Selma awkwardly leans over onto Sean. Some of you probably hate her for it, I love her. Sean keeps warning us that this date "isn't glamorous". We are supposed to be shocked by how not awesome this date is going to be...
Cut to: The desert. And that one whistle sound effect thing that's used every time a desert is shown on TV. Oh! Selma mentions that she's an Iraqi! I told you. She's in the Taliban. You guys never listen. She's a Sunni of a bitch.
Despite her heritage, she hates the desert and doesn't do well in the heat. She says she feels "puffy". Going to the desert is actually how Sean Combs was nicknamed.
It's kind of annoying how much joy Sean is getting out of Selma being miserable. What's the point exactly? Seems like a lot of these dates are just bad episodes of Punk'd. As opposed to the good episodes of Punk'd, which have yet to be produced.
Selma uses Sean's assholeness, and probably the spirit of Allah, to climb. She's pretty good. In your face, Ashton. Also, lots of cleavage shots. "The most tit-centric Bachelor season ever!"
This girl is 29 and lives in San Diego. I will join the mujahideen for her. I will pretend not to love Rambo 3. Hell, I'll root for Sgt. Brodie, if that's what it takes!
Ugh. I'm so sick of Sean saying "we're going somewhere a lot less glamorous". He's so giddy that they're not going anywhere nice and how Selma's gonna be pissed. Shut the hell up. In the real world, you might have to treat women well, stop abusing your power.
Uh oh. Selma: "There's a lot you don't know about my family". She says "We're arabic". Is that what you call that? I thought it was just a language. Then she interviews to us that she was born in Baghdad and raised Muslim.
That means she can't kiss him.
It also means she's glad the towers are gone.
Sort of weird. It's almost too perfect. The hottest girl in the house isn't going to kiss him? It would make sense if she was unattractive. Like, that's the hook that got her on TV. But no, she's also hot.
We can only hope she's like those conservative Christians who say they're virgins but really just do anal all the time.
Sean is frustrated. Move along then, buddy. Get rid of her and let the rest of us take a shot with Blue Balls Mcghee.
Group date. And from the commercials we know it's roller derby time. I can't believe it's taken The Bachelor this long to do this. Maybe they finally rented the 2009 Drew Barrymore film, "Whip It".
Wait. Can Tierra play? Did she pass her concussion test? Somebody call Roger Goodell.
Hey, remember those little kids who were on the verge of death last week? Well, now the show is featuring a one armed girl on roller skates. Fucking evil. There's a montage of her falling. Seriously, do they hate us? Cause I want to cry. Where's Selma? I need to get my boner back.
AshLee, who was once molested, gives Sarah a pep talk. So does Sean. And now she's back on her skates and making us feel uncomfortable again.
Everyone hates Amanda, and she wipes out and busts up her chin and jaw. That's not gonna help her already troubled face. They pretend like she might have a fractured jaw, but that's only on the Tierra scale of injuries. In real medical parlance, she has a boo boo.
But now we all must hate Amanda, because they've called off the derby! Damn. That would've been so good and life threatening. Instead, they just have a skating party. Cause that's good TV.
Later, they go to the Roosevelt Hotel for drinks. And, huge surprise, Amanda shows up and she's perfectly fine. She tells us that she is fine but she's going to milk it. The only chance you have is if you milk his wiener. Even I'm sick of myself after that joke.
Tierra is mad because Robyn is acting like she's not there. Tierra says it's very "fustrating". I repeat, "fustrating".
Then she decides she doesn't want to be on the show anymore. She says "I deserve so much more than this. Sean's a great guy but why should I be tortured every day and live life uneasy". I repeat, "live life uneasy".
It's funny because while she's melting down, they keep cutting back to Sean making out with the wedding dress girl, Lindsay.
Tierra starts crying like a maniac and tells us that she's breaking down inside. At that moment, Sean walks out with the wedding dress girl in her bikini. It's kind of awesome. Cause wedding dress girl, when not wearing a wedding dress, is hot.
Sean tries to console Tierra but you can tell he's dying to be in that hot tub. He basically encourages Tierra to get lost. He's like, if you leave, "I'll be sad, but...". Let me finish that sentence for you, "but I'll also be super happy cause I'll be banging that crazy bitch in a tub of hot water".
Unfortunately, Tierra doesn't let him off the hook. She forces him to turn on the charm, and then, in the dumbest move in the world, he gives her the rose. Jesus. No, I mean, Jesus, why hath you done this?
Tierra is so evil that she makes AshLee, who was once molested, talk mad shit about her.
The final one on one date is with the ugly black girl (for the record, her name is Leslie). Her date card had diamond ear rings in it. And she says "I've never gotten jewelry from a boyfriend, ever".
First of all, Sean isn't your boyfriend. Second of all, he did not give you jewelry. And third of all, you've never had a boyfriend.
Sean says "Leslie deserves to be treated like a princess". So I guess that means Selma deserved to be treated like a fanatical, IED making, Al Jazeera watching terrorist? Because her date totally wasn't glamorous.
Why would a good and loving God give Sarah so few arm and Leslie so much mouth?
Sean takes her to Beverly Hills and they go shopping. They get a dress and a necklace, and gross face Neil Lane hangs out. Can Leslie not see that they're setting her up to go home tonight? Cause I mean, obviously.
Your amazing date is your parting gift, now get the fuck off the show. I've seen this too many times.
Leslie gets her pick of anything she wants, so of course her outfit and accessories are awful.
They chat at dinner and everything is going great...until Sean realizes they don't have a connection. Oh, you just realized that? Cause I was saying it on night 1.
Holy crap! They just cut back to the house, and Selma ain't wearing makeup. I'm gonna act like I didn't just see that. She looks like that one picture they always show of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.
Sean, in a dick move, holds up a rose, and dumps Leslie's ass. He tells her it's because she said she "only wants to be married once". And it's also because of that dress she picked.
Leslie: "You really didn't see any romance at all?" Um, nope.
They were supposed to see Ben Taylor sing. But for some reason, he dumped her before that, so instead the dude sings over Sean alone and Leslie in the limo.
Cocktail party. Sean tells AshLee that he's been thinking about her. And honestly, she would be a slam dunk if she wasn't middle aged.
Robyn gets him alone. "Do you like the taste of chocolate?" Then she just kisses him, and claims "he kissed me!" Um, not really. You kind of raped his lips. Not the same.
All the girls hate on Tierra. She gets Sean alone and tells him "girls have trouble accepting me for who I am". And who you are is a bitch, so they are accepting that.
The Asian Girl gets Sean alone and gives him a piece of paper with her lipstick on them. He awkwardly holds it, not sure how long it has to be before he throws it away. There's a funny cut away showing 5 of the girls sitting in stony silence, watching them talk.
She takes him out to the driveway and they make out. Dammit! My house only has a carport. That's my problem, girls don't wanna make out in a carport.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
CATHERINE - the driveway make out sesh did the trick
DESIREE - has been invisible for 2 episodes in a row, needs a big week next week
LINDSAY - she's the Colin Kaepernick of the show. From bench player to the Super Bowl
LESLEY - still the favorite. Too much makeup right now though.
ROBYN - you cannot eliminate two black girls on one episode. It's just not done. Thanks a lot, Obama.
ASHLEE - of course
SARAH - you also cannot eliminate a black girl and a girl with one and half arms
JACKIE - too pretty to go home at this point
DANIELLA - wow. I thought she was gone for sure. I'm not a fan at all.
And you know that means? Ol' play dirty/dirty face is history. What a shocking end to a devious tenure. I guess the boo boo strategy didn't work after all.
Now she has to go back to Orange County and her lucrative career of not being a real model.
Next week: Chris says "a two day Bachelor event". What?! They're showing 2 episodes on back to back days. No! Do they not know the toll this takes on me? Ugh.
Oh God, Tierra goes to the hospital again.
How great would it be if she just died? Okay, it wouldn't be great...but it kinda would be.