Remember how Bachelor Pad cast a few diehard Bachelor fans last season? And remember that dork who they showed watching the show on his couch while drinking a glass of wine? Well, let me set the scene for you in Hermosa Beach.
I've taken a nice hot bath. I've poured some wine. I've built a freaking fire. And the show has begun...
What am I most excited about this season? The minorities. Definitely, the minorities. Let's begin...
There's an extensive "this season on" before the real show starts. I kinda prefer that to come at the end when I know which girl is which. But no matter, all of this shit is the same. There's a girl who isn't there to "make best friends", you get the idea. But is she there to make regular friends? We'll have to watch to find out!
Shirtless, hairless Sean! Buckle in, we'll be seeing a lot of that. I mean, the guy is good looking, but that's a pretty dopey looking face. The pecs, however, well, they're sublime.
We recap Sean getting his heart broken by Emily. They're really trying to play that up as a story line this year. What they aren't playing up? Emily cheating on Jef with Matt Leinart. But hey, why do the interesting thing?
Hey guys, don't worry, God has a plan for Sean. And it includes getting dumped on national TV and taking his shirt off a lot.
Sean is telling his sad tale of only being an Uncle and not having his own thing. This is hitting a little too close to home. Except for my chest has hair. Not a lot, just enough to be unattractive.
Odd shot of Sean standing against a giant rock on the beach while a newly married couple stands behind him taking photos. It's only odd because Sean has his shirt on. Come on, you're at the beach, this is the only time it's actually appropriate.
Next, Sean cuts some strawberries. "A good friend is coming over". Nope, it's just Arie. I guess Arie loves strawberries, and apparently Courtney. Seriously, why aren't they including the interesting things about these people?
There is no reason for this segment. It is only here to fill time. And it's awful. When you're bringing in a pretend race car driver to perform a comedy bit, you're doing it wrong.
I'm no expert, but I think Sean is overly buff right now. The proportions are off.
Arie advises Sean on how much tongue to use when kissing. I wish Ben was here so he could explain his patented "lick the lips" technique.
Either Sean's tie is too skinny or his tits are even bigger than I thought.
Okay, let's meet some of the ladies before we get to the limos:
Some 24 year old is telling us how she's had her heart broken twice and wants a family. You're barely an adult, sweetie, dial it back. Oh, and she's a huge Sean fan. She freaks out when she finds out. Yeah, she has the makings of happily ever after. She probably loves One Direction right now too.
Black chick! She's learning spanish, she's practically half-Mexican, two for the price of one! Are you watching, ALMA Awards?
A girl from Utah. Jeez, the producers love that state. I guess it's the only place you can go to get non-sluts. Whoops, Michelle Money was from there, never mind. And this one has a kid and she's divorced. That's allowed in Utah? I thought you just had to stay married and complained to your sister wives for the rest of your life.
Oh fuck. An amputee just appeared on my TV. So that's new. Talk about a minority, she's got half an arm, I don't think they're even allowed to vote yet. She's a cute blonde girl from LA. Pretty normal seeming, but how do you reject the girl with one arm? She's gonna last 4 episodes, based on the arm alone.
Oh Lord, one of the girls is a huge 50 Shades of Grey fan. This is embarrassing. One armed girl is suddenly looking a whole lot better.
There's a girl from Washington DC who has a really poorly done campaign sign for her and Sean. There's a model, and as usual, we're using the term "model" loosely here. There's a girl who is very organized and adopted and prettier than the model. But she's 32 and wears giant pearls and cries a lot.
At long last, LIMO TIME:
ASHLEE F. 32. The organizer/crier I just mentioned. She looks like Ali Landry, and that is a good thing. Sexy. But so, so old. Just dust and cobwebs at this point.
JACKIE. 25. COSMETICS. She's got a reddish, brown hair thing going with nice eyes. We're 2 for 2 in the looks category, people. Somewhere British Matt is going, "where the fuck were the cute girls when I was on the show?!"
SELMA. 29. REAL ESTATE. Hello, knockers. She's cute too, I'm quite pleased.
LESLIE. 29. POKER DEALER. One of the black girls, possibly. Mixed race of some sort, and our first unattractive girl. That's what happens when you get in via the quota system.
DANIELLA. 24. CASTING ASSOCIATE. She is a God Damn mess. 24? Holy crap, that is not gonna be a good look in about 2 more months. She's blonde and just raggedy, Courtney Love style. Not a fan.
KELLY. 28. CRUISE SHIP ENTERTAINER. She looks like she should be on Toddlers and Tiaras as one of the toddlers, except she's 28 (at least) now. Way too much makeup. And she's a cruise ship entertainer. Even Justin Guarini won't take those gigs. We are going downhill fast!
KATIE. 27. YOGA INSTRUCTOR. A young Amy Irving. Are these references too old for you people? I don't even know any more. But that's exactly who she looks like. She's barefoot, and has crazy eyes.
ASHLEY P. 28. HAIR STYLIST. The 50 Shades of Grey girl. Someone tie her up and murder her. Please.
TARYN. 30. HEALTH CLUB MANAGER. Fake blonde. She seems old. Despite Chris Harrison saying all of these girls are here for Sean, she doesn't know who the hell he is.
CATHERINE. 26. GRAPHIC DESIGNER. Asian alert! She looks good when she's not smiling, but she's gummy. I don't know, but she's definitely in the Handleman wheelhouse.
ROBYN. 24. OIL FIELD ACCOUNTANT MANAGER. She attempts a back hand stand and falls on her face. It's insane. Oh, and did I mention she's black? Well, she's no Dominique Dawes (references!).
LACEY. 24. GRAD STUDENT. People call her "Lace", so she brought a heart of lace to remember her by. Or he could just talk to you. Remember when the first 3 girls were hot and the show seemed like it was gonna be awesome? That was a fun 2 minutes.
PAIGE. 25. JUMBOTRON OPERATOR. Hey, I respect her career choice. Now, does that mean she's a cameraman, or does she type up birthdays and shit? Hopefully we'll find out. She was on the Bachelor Pad! She's one of the super fans. Yeah, I hated her.
TIERRA. 24. LEASING CONSULTANT. You can already tell that she is pure evil. She's the girl who freaked out when she found out it was Sean. She has a pretty face. Sean tells her to "wait here". He goes into the house and tells Chris he wants to "bend the rules". And by "bend the rules" he means "do exactly what the producers have told him to do". He gives her the first impression rose. By the way, that's kind of what that rose was supposed to mean in the first place.
Then again, isn't this kind of like, who cares what women have to say just base everything on looks? I'm not mad at it, I'm just stating it for the record.
When the other girls find out about Tierra getting the rose, they're really excited and happy for her. Yeah.
AMANDA. 26. FIT MODEL. She's a "fit" model because her face sucks.
KERIANN. 29. ENTREPRENEUR. She will be eliminated shortly. Sean doesn't even know how to pronounce "entrepreneur".
DESIREE. 26. BRIDAL STYLIST. We met her earlier. She's trying to be adorkable, so you know she's the antithesis of everything that I like.
SARAH. 26. AD EXEC. The nub. Sean does well to not act weird about it. I also like that she doesn't mention her arm at all. Well played by all.
BROOKE. 25. COMMUNITY ORGANIZER. Heeeeyyy, we got another black girl. And she's a community organizer, or as we call it, the next President of the United States/communist/terrorist sympathizer. She isn't cute.
DIANA. 31. SALON OWNER. The girl from Utah with the kid. And she looks like a mom.
LESLEY M. 25. POLITICAL CONSULTANT. She brought a football. Stop it! You're confusing the whole Washington DC thing. America can only understand one generalization at a time! She makes him bend over with the ball and looks at his ass while pretending to hike it. I'm a fan of that bit.
KRISTY. 25. MODEL. How come models are always gross looking? She is a man, man.
ASHLEY H. 25. FASHION MODEL. Another black woman, or possibly "blackanese". This is the type of girl I would make a lot of bad decisions with. She says "hey Ken, I'm Barbie" in a smooth ass way that only black people can pull off. Sorta looks like Chili from TLC.
LOREN. 27. JOURNALIST. She has no business on the show. She is people filler, not good.
LINDSAY. 24. SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. She is wearing a wedding dress and kisses him on the lips. He hates her and so do we. She seems very drunk. She'd have to be.
Those are the ladies. We started strong, and we finished weak. Oh, but there is ONE MORE GIRL!!! This is getting to be like pro wrestling. And it's...
KACIE B. Yes, that Kacie B. She's gone back to being skinny! Maybe too skinny. I don't like her hair and I don't like the dress or her facial expressions. No one confuses me with her looks more than Kacie B. Keep in mind, I've always questioned her ethnicity so we might have yet another black girl here.
They play up the other girls hating on her. Who cares? There's 25 of you! She has no special advantage. If anything, the knowledge that she was rejected by Ben makes her more pathetic.
Apparently, her and Sean have hung out before. Those damn Bachelor cruises!
The Zooey Deschanel chick claims to be able to throw a football "like no one else". Hmmm. Then what are you doing here? The Vikings needed you. Wait, what?! Sean busts out ANOTHER rose and gives it her. How many first impressions can one man have?
Oh, good. Everyone is confused by the multiple roses. One girl uses the phrase "mean mugging" correctly, which I like.
Tierra's being all cocky about getting the very first rose. "All I said was a sentence to him. A sentence". Ha!
So Sean is just handing out roses left and right. There might not even be a rose ceremony tonight. This is bad for my process.
It's way awkward, because every cocktail party conversation takes place with a rose on the table. I don't know how I feel about this. Uh oh, wedding dress girl is hammered. She demands that he kiss her. Sean is trying to run away like he's Indiana Jones and she's the drunk boulder.
The 50 Shades girl (Ashley P.) is also hammered, and begins dancing by herself to no music. Kacie, being so very rational and adorable and as boring as I am, says the girl just needs to drink some water.
Sean talks to Ashley P. and tells her he brought a rape whistle just in case. Nice! Sean, bringing it!
I imagine it's a pretty crazy interview process to get on this show. Lots of travel. A big time commitment. And then you're just gonna get sloppy drunk on night 1? Well, there's a reason they're on this show, and it's cause they're dumb.
Some of the girls are sad that they actually have to compete for a guy. Welcome to my world, bitches. But in my world, the competition is for girls. That was clear, right?
Sarah, the nub, is one of the complainers. She blames being single on only having one arm. "Guys assume that dating me would be more emotional work, they feel like it's easier to date a girl with 2 arms." Well, you could see why they'd think that.
I wish we could get Sean's real reaction as he goes on the show and sees a girl with one arm, 3 black girls, and 2 drunks. And it's kinda weird, he fell in love with Emily, right? Where are the good looking blondes? I don't know, but they're not on this show.
Sarah and Sean have a full conversation, and then she says "there's something I want to talk to you about..." Sean says he's not uncomfortable. I find it very cute how they didn't talk about it for so long cause it's the only thing I can look at.
One of the prettiest girls has bad boobies!
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Shit. This is hard because he's already given out 12 roses and I don't really know who they were to. They cut to the women who got roses all standing awkwardly together. I don't remember their names. However, ALL 3 BLACK CHICKS HAVE ROSES. Say what you want about Sean, but the man is politically correct.
Okay, looking at the girls, this is who else got roses so far:
The Asian girl. Amy Irving. Zoey Deschanel. The mom from Utah. Nub. Tierra. Pretty face, bad tits. Selma. And Ali Landry.
Sean will now hand out 7 more...
AMANDA - the fit model (with the bad face)
LESLIE - the politician. I kinda like her, she's an early dark horse for me.
KACIE - I can't quit her. I love me some Kacie B!
KRISTY - the other model with the bad face.
DANIELLA - the 50 year old.
TARYN - one of the girls that was sad because she had to actually try.
LINDSAY - the wedding dress/drunkard?! Jesus, those other girls must've sucked.
If you're keeping score at home, the cruise ship singer is out. So is Chili from TLC. As I predicted, the entrepreneur is gone. And goodbye to Paige, the super fan. Guess we'll never know what she does with that jumbotron.
Chili cries a lot. It's been so long since she's been in love! She's 25.
And goodbye to 50 Shades. It's a "bit of a bumsky". If you're wondering if Sean could've fucked her, the answer is yes. Because she says that Sean could've fucked her.
This season on...
The nub goes far. Daredevil dates! I'm seeing a lot of Kacie B. And of course the Bachelor Copter! An ex boyfriend shows up!!! It seems fake. Sean knuckles up. Tierra is a bitch, as I suspected. Roller derby! An ambulance. All is lost. But then...
Sean finds happiness...and a monkey!
Thanks, all. See you next week!