I went on a Grouper tonight.
Oh, you don't know what a grouper is? You must be living in the aughts, old timers. A Grouper is where you sign up to this website, and then some fancy algorithms look at your facebook page, and then match you up with a girl's facebook page for a blind date.
Ah, but that's not what a Grouper is. There's more. Then, you invite two of your friends, and the girl invites two of her friends, and the SIX of you go out - to a bar chosen by Grouper - for an awkward drink.
I was not the main guy in this equation. No algorithms were done on my facebook page. I was one of the "friends". Still, I was in it along with everyone else.
On the surface, this seemed like a horrible idea. I mean, I like to be attracted to people. Call me crazy, but there aren't any algorithms that know what gives me an erection. This was completely blind. So I had my doubts, because I like to see what I'm getting in to.
Also, can you really tell a lot from someone's facebook page? Maybe. But I think the only thing you can tell from my facebook page is that I don't go on it. And that I like Sporcle and R. Kelly, not necessarily in that order.
Anyway, what I was picturing for this grouper was me showing up, and immediately knowing that none of the three girls were for me. Then an hour of forced, polite conversation before a delicate call for the check.
And that's exactly what happened.
Well, not exactly. Cause it actually last 3 hours. That delicate call for the check was a little too delicate, and these ladies kept ordering more drinks.
Even more awkward, about 30 minutes into it ANOTHER Grouper group showed up...and there's had better looking women. But apparently, there's no swapping on Grouper. You kinda think there would be. It's that name, Grouper. Makes me think of orgies for some reason. Alas, no dice.
And this is my life now.
8 comments:
Allow me to quote the Wikipedia entry for Grouper:
"Groupers are teleosts, typically having a stout body and a large mouth. They are not built for long-distance, fast swimming. They can be quite large, and lengths over a meter and weights up to 100 kg are not uncommon, though obviously in such a large group, species vary considerably. They swallow prey rather than biting pieces off it...They habitually eat fish, octopuses, and crustaceans. Some species prefer to ambush their prey, while other species are active predators...
"Their mouths and gills form a powerful sucking system that sucks their prey in from a distance. They also use their mouths to dig into sand to form their shelters under big rocks, jetting it out through their gills. Their gill muscles are so powerful, it is nearly impossible to pull them out of a cave if they feel attacked and extend those muscles to lock themselves in."
Somehow, the description of a fat, wide-mouthed, slow-moving predator that sucks its prey in from a distance and swallows them whole seems oddly appropriate...
love you, cody. but please direct all slams towards me. thanks!
I am so happy I'm never gonna go on a group date with you. Way easier to think you're awesome through the internet and never have to worry about having a blog post that mentions me. :-)
I know that personally I wouldn't live up to Handleman standards. But I can't freaking believe how much we have in common! It makes me so happy to read your blog. Every time I think you've exhausted all the things we could possibly have in common, something new comes up. (This time - Sporcle.)
Please don't ever stop blogging 'cause your blog is too freaking awesome! Hope your next Grouper, date, or whatever goes wonderfully!
It sounds like the potential for a good outcome is small and you're right, it does sound like an orgy meet up. With a name like Grouper, there should be a porn watching algorithm instead of a FB one.
:)
if you are not writing a screenplay about this, you should be
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