Two nights in a row, ABC? Really? What is the meaning of this? Don't you have anymore "Stuff With Celebrities" shows to air? Or better yet, a rerun of Suburgatory penned by yours truly? Nope? Okay. Well, if we must, we must...
Oh, this is the famed "2 on 1" date episode. It's also time to get out of The Bachelor house permanently. First up, they are headed to Montana. I guess all of the fun locations were booked.
The first shot of Sean is...in a prop plane. With his shirt on! Hey Bachelor Producers, FUCK YOU! I expect pecs, you jerks. Gloriously bald pecs.
Ugh, what is Daniella still doing here? And she's supposed to be 24? Holy Lord. She's packed 40 years of face into that time.
Lindsay, aka Colin Kaepernick, gets the first one on one date. Bachelor Copter! Sean tells us that Lindsay's first night wedding dress gambit almost got her sent home. He's leaving out the part where she was also completely shnockered and horrible. But yes, the wedding dress was also bad.
Sean and Lindsay tell each other that they feel like they already know each other. Yeah, he knows you're the crazy bitch who wore the wedding dress. And she knows he's the Bachelor. What more is there?
They barely show any of the date. Must've been boring as hell. Lindsay was an "army brat". Scary moment: Lindsay talks about how when she was young the war started and her dad left. The problem? I have no idea what war she is talking about. I just keep hoping she's talking about the Gulf War. Sadly, the real answer is that I'm a God Damn senior citizen.
Is AshLee cross eyed. What is happening? She looks like a member of the Na'vi.
Sean gives Lindsay the rose. This is an all time record for LEAST amount of time shown of a one on one date. Weird. Were they just making out the whole time? Was it too good and they wanted to hide it to keep us guessing? We don't know. But since it was so short we are assured of a shitload of Tierra drama that will go on way too long later. Trust me.
Afterwards, Sean takes Lindsay to a Sarah Darling concert. Who? I don't know. I don't know any of the musicians that come on this show. How is "Nashville" not a bigger hit? Everyone else seems to know these people, yet no one is watching that show. Too busy shooting their guns, I guess.
Sean and Lindsay stand on a strange podium above the audience and just start making out in front of all of the hicks. Since it's Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve, they are fine with it.
The Group Date. It's an "outdoorsy" date. Sean once again tells us how he likes a girl who can wear high heels one day, and rough it the next day. Oh shut up with that. I have an idea, how about just let them wear high heels if they want? You know what the phrase "roughing it" means? It means "having a horrible time".
Of course, Selma is on this date. So he's forcing her to rough it yet again, cause as a good Christian, he hates dirty filthy A-rabs.
By the way, Selma looks way too hot and way too good for this. I would give up 72 virgins for one of her sluttiness in the fantasy suite. She does wear a shit ton of makeup though. Hey, it's better than having to wear a burkha. am I right?
The girls are split into teams and will compete against each other in "outdoorsy" events - like canoeing and drinking goat's milk. Losers have to go back to the hotel. Either way, Daniella is still a loser.
They begin with canoeing, and Selma wears a vest. Yes, I know what you're thinking, a lot of her relatives have probably worn "vests" before. That's exactly what you were thinking.
How dumb do you feel milking a goat just to get a chance to spend a few extra minutes with a dude? It goes against everything women believe in. That being said, if I were Sean I'd be paying extra special attention to their milking techniques.
The team of Desiree, Robyn, One Armed Mcgee, and yes, beautiful Selma win! Lesley, Asian chick, Daniella, and AshLee go bye bye. Lesley goes Jim Harbaugh on them and calls her teammates "weak". I love her. And she's right, they lost to a team with a half less limb.
The losers go back to the hotel, and Chris gives them another date card. They're getting a second chance. They freak out. Lesley, at least in my opinion, thinks this isn't the point. They underperformed out there! They don't deserve this.
Meanwhile, the winners are pissed! Robyn's all, what did we get out of winning? Um, pride of performing well? How about that, Robyn? Being the best at something?
Selma is pissed too. She says "when Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry". And that's why we racially profile.
While all of this is going on, Tierra is making up some bullshit drama. She writes a letter and feels like she needs to do something. Just stop.
Cut to Sean giving an interview. Tierra is suddenly there, sneaking up behind him. She puts her hands over his eyes, and very creepily says, "Sean!". It's sorta like Mama from the movie "Mama".
She tells him she's disappointed by getting the 2 on 1. "It was a huge slap in the face". I don't think she knows that this is on TV. Or she does, and she's an evil skank. I'm going with door number 2. Also, maybe she needs to experience an actual slap in the face.
Wait. I just realized something: this is gonna get her ass eliminated, thus opening the door for Jackie, who is actually skinny and good looking. Yes!
Back to the group date. Desiree gets alone time and complains about the losing team being there. Cause that's a good idea. AshLee quickly interrupts, and then does the RIGHT THING, and tells him that she's super into him and something special is happening. Leave it to the savvy veteran to play it right. She's like Ed Reed with boobies.
Asian girl gets alone time. And she reaches into her bag of tricks and forces him to walk outside to a weird street. That's her move. Sean tells us he just "wants to snuggle with her". Really? It seems like you just want to constantly not talk to her, cause that's what you usually do.
Sean tells her he "doesn't really have to worry about her". In the real world, saying that to women isn't exactly a good idea.
Daniella sees Asian sitting on Sean's lap. She cries. This is what menopause does to you.
Sean has to calm her down. She looks like his older sister. He's talking a lot of these girls up. I would be laying the groundwork for future dumpage right now. But that's me. I like to foreshadow shit.
Sean gives the rose to Daniella. Hey Asian Girl, how does it feel not being worried about?
This may be a stereotype, but Robyn keeps it real. I guess black people really are the best at doing that.
Finally, the 2 on 1. Time for Tierra to get seriously injured. Oh, but wait, they're saving the only redeemable part of this episode for...tomorrow night. Great. Tierra laughs like a maniac about how Jackie has no idea about her Pearl Harbor job the night before. Um, that didn't help you.
Maybe because I'm a guy and have thoughts and things, but if I were Tierra I'd be a little concerned about the fact that Jackie is hotter than me.
Oh no. Jackie gets alone time and uses it to talk shit about Tierra. Why? Don't these girls learn? She tells Sean that Tierra had the nerve to think a guy at the airport was "cute". How dare she! When you're with someone, everyone else in the world is ugly. Everyone knows that.
Sean gets Tierra alone. Wait a minute. Don't we know that she's gonna stay because she's the one that gets injured later? This sucks.
She tells Sean her sob story about going out with a guy who was in rehab. And then he died. While they were together. Hmmm. This brings up a lot of conspiracy theories. Did he die at the bottom of a staircase? I'm sure whatever hell he has gone to is a lot better than being with Tierra
Is anyone else thinking that this alleged boyfriend's name might've been George Glass or Lennay Kukua?
Sean falls for it and gives her the rose. Poor Jackie. Didn't you hear her, stupid? Tierra thought another guy was cute! Total deal breaker.
Cocktail party. Desiree surmises that Sean gives roses to girls who are "having a hard time". Yep! Exactly. So hurry up and sprain an ankle or get AIDS or something. It should be noted that Desiree has her bangs pulled back, and she looks a hundred times better. Come on, you guys. Admit it!
Desiree hints that Tierra is awful. If I'm the Bachelor, I'd be taking this pretty seriously. Has there ever been a girl that the other girls hated who was actually cool? I mean, besides Courtney.
Oh, now this making more sense. It appears that Jackie was very sweet. All of the girls liked her. So now they're extra pissed at Tierra.
Tierra: "I wish I was a fighter...cause I would beat the shit out of these bitches".
She goes to sit alone by the fireplace. Robyn and Lesley go over and confront her. They feel she's fake for the cameras. Tierra fires back. And she says the word "threatened" in that really annoying way where she enunciates the "ened" part.
She also says something interesting: "If I want to go get engaged, I can go get engaged, there are plenty of guys in the world". That's true. I was handing out diamond rings a year ago like they were candy. Sadly, that is not a joke.
Tierra: "I will bite. I am a Scorpio and I do bite". She knows that she's not physically a scorpio, right?
I'm sorry, but this is bullshit. Sean knows that Tierra is bad. There's no way he doesn't.
Sean gets her alone and asks what is going on. Tierra says that everyone is attacking her. He asks who specifically. And she makes a major mistake by saying "all of them". I mean, if everyone hates you, then it's you. The Bachelor record speaks for itself.
Sean asks Lesley why Tierra is bad, cause he's too blinded by Jesus and pussy to see it. He says everyone is vague about the reasons. Well, what about that cute guy incident? Lesley tells Sean that when Tierra is around the other girls she is cold and not nice. Aw, you poor things.
It seriously felt like this episode should've been over an hour ago. I can't believe there is still 25 minutes left.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
SELMA - little known fact, her uncle planned Lockerbie
ASIAN GIRL - he's not worried about you
LESLEY - marry me
ASHLEE - even though that's all caps, please note the L is even more capitalized
SARAH - haven't seen much of the one armed bandit for awhile.
DESIREE - or Desiree. They've both fallen back
That means Robyn "Do You Want to Taste Chocolate" is gone. But Sean loves black girls! Well, now it's all white and all right. I thought she'd last longer though. Especially with Daniella and Asian girl still there.
On the rest of this season: Tierra gets pneumonia and dies. Even AshLee talks shit. Tierra says "men love me!" Which is awesome. But then it sorta devolves into the Tierra show, which isn't so awesome. At the final proposal, Chris Harrison hands Sean a letter. Gee, I wonder who that's from.
Okay, two things before I go...
I think we have the best batch of girls left in the history of the show. Lesley - you know how I feel about her. Selma - despite her predilection for destroying America, I love her. Desiree is a sweet girl, not my type, but perfectly okay. AshLee is hot and nice even though her ovaries are all dried up. Asian Girl isn't offensive at all. And Lindsay gets better every week. Does anyone remember it being better than this??
And finally, tomorrow. We're doing this again. Here's the thing: I have a date. So if you check for the post immediately after the show and it's there, that means the date went terribly awry. If it's not there until Wednesday, I eloped. I see it going one of those two ways and nothing in between.