Nope. Didn't elope. Might have to take a dating break. Cause women are the worst. Okay, enough with my personal problems, let's move on to the show, which I am right on time for...
We are in Canada, and Sean has a fricking shirt on. Stupid cold ass Canada. I bet his nipples are hard under that shirt! Dare to dream.
The women walk up to the hotel arm in arm, and you can see Tierra walks behind them, alone. And let's not sugar coat it, she is starting to look rough. Her face might be melting. And I think she's on the Kacie B. diet. That's the diet where you eat everything at the craft services table.
The one on one date goes to...Asian girl (Catherine). Thus making her the first Asian ever to visit Canada. There's an argument to be made that while Tierra is looking worse and worse, Catherine is looking better and better. Kinda hot. Maybe Sean should start worrying about her a little bit.
They go sledding. Sean is complaining that they are getting pelted with "ice flakes and snow flakes". Dude, isn't this your dream date? You're roughing it, after all. And indeed, Sean tells us that he loves that Catherine is still having fun. What if he chooses her and then when they are indoors at room temperature, she's a totally not fun, awful person?
They go to an ice castle that Catherine exclaims "was built for us!". Well, it was built for this date. It really could've been for any of the girls, but whatever. Sean says "it just clicks with you". Incidentally, the north pole is 50 clicks northeast.
Uh oh. Catherine starts to get real. Her voice quivering, she tells the tragic story of when she was 12 years old and a tree fell on her friend. Way to go, Sean, way to take the tree falling girl on an outdoors date. Asshole.
But seriously, the real tragedy is deforestation.
Group date. Shit. More canoeing. What is this, The Bachelor or the Lumberjack Games? Lesley annoys the other girls by jumping in Sean's canoe. Well, it had to be somebody. Selma, as is her nature, is angry. She prays for a shark or an IED to blow up Lesley in the canoe. But alas, Allah gets no praise on this day.
Next, Sean announces another "surprise". He wants them to join the polar bear club by jumping in the ice cold water and totally submerging themselves. Yep, there's no better way to find a wife than making women attempt suicide.
Selma, my girl, says the exact right thing: "I would do anything for a rose, but I won't do this. I just don't feel it's necessary to put my life at risk". Now THAT is a woman! I would give the rose to anyone who didn't do it. That's an independent, awesome person. Do you want a free thinker, or someone who is a sheep? Sean's from the south, so sheep it is!
They show the safety lecture the girls get, obviously covering themselves for the shit that is about to go down.
Selma tells Sean she doesn't want to do it, and he's a total DICK about it. He's like, "no, you should do it. I would encourage you to do it". Shut up! This is what you require of someone in order for you to like them?
Lesley: "I'm gonna get hypothermia for a rose". See? No. That's not cool at all.
AshLee is freaked out and doesn't want to do it. But she's a pussy and bows to the pressure and does it anyway. Selma is the best for taking a stand. Is everyone agreeing with me on this? Okay, good.
Time for a bikini check:
Lindsay and AshLee have amazing bodies. Tierra, well, you know what she's working with. Sarah has one and a half arms. Daniella has a big butt and sloppy boobies. Not good. Lesley is flat chested with an ample bootie.
Did I feel like a pervy asshole when taking that picture? Yes, yes I did. But I sucked it up and did it for you. And look at the positives: you can see Sean's nipples!
Tierra goes into (fake) shock. And for the second time this season, she is getting carried around by medical personnel. She either has hypothermia, or fatassliarmia.
Of course, 2 minutes later she is fine. But that's when the funniest moment of the season happens. She looks up at the camera and whines, "I miss time with him!". Here's what that looked like:
Desiree says: "Tierra doesn't look so good". Not cause of the cold, because of the mascara. Catherine: "She was disheveled". Ha. Catherine says "it makes me wonder about the other girls". So they immediately cut to the other girls laughing and cheering and having the time of their lives. Nice.
Tierra appears to put her nose/oxygen thing in right when Sean is coming into her room to see her. Not that we needed proof or anything.
I have to say, the bloom is off the Lesley rose for me this episode. I think she's lucky Tierra is there, or else the other girls would be hating on her more. She's very aggressive in getting Sean time, in annoying way.
You know who she reminds me of? Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Remember when he has that great day with Andie McDowell, and then the next day he tries to make it happen in the exact same way and she is turned off by it? Lesley is Bill Murray on that second day.
One Armed Mcgee gets him alone and has a surprise for him. A hook hand? Sadly, no. It's pictures of her family. Ooh! Sean's a lucky guy. Nothing like a photo album to give you a boner.
Kind of a smart move though. She showed him she means business, and isn't faking death and shit.
It doesn't take Captain Obvious to inform you that Tierra is secretly getting ready for the rest of the group date, even though she's supposed to be recovering in her hotel room. The other ladies aren't pleased. Lesley calls her a "Tierrorist". Hey! Don't say the T word in front of Selma, the actual terrorist.
Lindsay gets Sean alone. He says: "we can just spend all our time kissing if you want". Pretty serious about looking for a wife, this guy.
Sean gives the date rose to Lesley. I guess Sean isn't as smart as Andie McDowell.
Uh oh. Sean is feeling conflicted. Sweetie, that's not good for your porcelain skin. He goes to grab One Arm to tell her the bad news. Apparently, he was spooked by those family photos. What the hell do I know? I thought it was a smart move, turns out Sean is looking for a four limbed whore with Munchausen Syndrome.
He tells Sarah. She's hurt. She looks God Damn adorable all of the sudden. He breaks her heart all the while Tierra is dreaming up her next concussion. Maybe Sean isn't the religious goodie goodie he was portrayed to be.
Sarah: "It's always the same, you're an amazing girl. I know how special you are. And I want to connect with you so bad, but I don't". Ouch. I'm in on Sarah. I'll suck the shit out of that nub. Let's go.
Here's the possible sad truth though: she might be a little dumb. You kind of forget that someone with a physical problem might also be dumb, but it does happen. At least that's what I've been told.
The final one on one is with Desiree. And the bangs are back. Big mistake. I'd rather go out with a nub then bangs. Truth.
They rappel down a mountain. Cause this show is a Mountain Dew commercial. They try to make it seem all dangerous and scary, and then they stop midway through and start making out. Danger!
Later, they go to a teepee. Desiree tells Sean about her awful upbringing, apparently she grew up in a tent. That's not a joke. If you're wondering if any of these girls had a good childhood, the answer is, if they did they wouldn't be on The Bachelor.
Let's just be thankful that a tree never fell Desiree's childhood tent.
Sean is loving every word out of Desiree's mouth. She grew up roughing it! She gets the rose.
Somewhere, there's a Sioux family on a shitty reservation wondering what happened to their teepee.
Cocktail party. Selma gets alone time. She's starting to feel the pressure of not having jumped in the icy waters. To make up for it, she goes against Mohammed and kisses him. Remember, cause she's not gonna kiss him on TV? Well, she's over that. It should be noted that someone sent me a youtube video where you can clearly see Selma's tits. Religion is a flexible thing, even to a member of the Taliban.
Lindsay gets him alone and says she's not gonna kiss him this time. And they laugh and laugh, cause it's so ridiculous that the town slut wouldn't kiss someone.
Sean asks her to tell him something about herself. Lindsay's answer: "I sleep naked!" What a fun lady. Sean responds: "I respect that". This is going like most of my dates, only classier.
AshLee gets alone time. She has a present for him. It's a blindfold...or something. It's some weird, dumb thing. I don't know. She doesn't like the unknown and it's really hard for her. Sean plays along, and blindfolds her. Hold on, I think this means that AshLee is a freak in the sheets. She's suddenly a fucking loon! So you know she's good.
Sean carries her with the blindfold on and she's crying. Good Lord. I have to be honest, I'm in love with multiple women on here. These eliminations are going to get brutal. Besides Tierra and Daniella, I want everyone to stay.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
(it's kind funny how obvious it is that Sean had to eliminate the girl with one arm in a special, less assholey way)
LINDSAY - she's gonna give him mono
ASHLEE - crazy town
Oh my God, I'm nervous. Please be Selma, please be Selma. But it's gonna be stupid Tierrra. NO!
TIERRA - DAMMIT
I'm seriously pissed. Do you not see how hot Selma is? Do you not understand how fun my Al Qaida jokes are? This is a nightmare.
For Tierra? Really?
Meanwhile, she's gonna get stoned to death for kissing you!
Oh, and Daniella's gone too. Blah blah blah, who fucking cares. Let's get back to Selma.
She had the guts not to jump in the water, okay? Do you know how cool and rare that is? Fuck Sean. I hate him now. That's bullshit. The easy thing was to jump in like everyone else and have Sean like you. But she stood up for herself.
Wait. She lives in San Diego. I go down there all the time. I have to make that happen. Does anyone know if they put those terrorist watch lists on the internet? Maybe I can get her address off of that.
Next week: AshLee sabotages Tierra. Tierra is above everyone else and she's also not perfect. Sean is crazy about her. And also, crazy.
Goodnight to you. And Goodnight, Selma. I will find you.