Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep. 7

Where were we? Oh yeah, last week Sean's true nature came out in the form of The Nub vs. Lindsay. Is he the conservative, religious nice guy, or is he a horny scumbag like the rest of us? He got rid of One Armed Mcgee, so there's our answer. Which is good news for the fantasy suite episodes. This guy clearly wants to bang two armed whores.

Tonight, we begin with yet another prop plane...and a fully clothed Sean. Damn you! Think of all the fun we could've had with Selma on this plane. She'd be all, "I learned how to fly...but I don't know how to land".

There are only 6 women left. Meanwhile, Selma is alone and unloved somewhere in San Diego, dreaming of getting Sean back and using that plane to take out the Freedom Tower.

Okay, let's put Selma aside for a bit...

AshLee gets the first one on one date. Tierra bitchily sings "the cougar's back in town!". Which I don't think is a real song.

Tierra says that AshLee "is 32 years old. When I'm 32, I want to be married with kids and have my family set. Why hasn't she found somebody that she can settle down with?" Ah, youth. And concussions. And women. That's not really how life goes, especially for people who, you know, get jobs and stuff. Can't wait 'till she's 35, single, and her body runs it's natural course of looking like a fire hydrant. 

Oh, it should be noted that right before that last quote she said, and this is verbatim, "I definitely consider myself to be in top priority".

At long last, Sean gets half naked. He and AshLee swim to a boat. AshLee hasn't let her trust issues prevent her from allowing a doctor to insert huge fake cans on her chest. There's no way she didn't used to be a stripper. Sorry, you don't have a body like that just hanging around your psychiatrist's office.

You could fit all of the other girl's boobs (except for Tierra's) into one of AshLee's implants.

Sean asks her about the drama, so AshLee spills the beans on Tierra. Hey, he did ask. And he claims to be "grateful". He shows how grateful he is by rolling around in the ocean making out with her. Nothing shows a woman you love her like wet muddy sand in the vaj.

OH SHIT! Did I just predict the future??? The teaser shows that AshLee needs to tell Sean one more thing about her past. I am very excited. Let's see...

Okay, here we go. Sean says I'm about to meet your family, is there anything we haven't covered? Yes! AshLee tells us it might be a deal breaker. Strip-per! Strip-per! Hey, guess what her stripper name was? Ashlee. Didn't capitalize the L. So sexy.

She does a whole big preamble, and says she wants to get past it...then starts to tear up...then "15 years ago, I was in high school. I was having a hard time with my mom and dad...and I had a boyfriend...and I got married when I was 17".

Aw. Dammit! That's it?! So you got married while you were in high school, who hasn't? I actually went out with a girl who got married when she was 17. She's in jail now. I wish I was kidding.

AshLee very adorably does this thing where she yells stuff to St. Croix. Don't ask. But then she yells, "I LOVE SEAN!!!". Sean seems pleased, even though she was a teenaged bride, most likely a stripper, and also, very, very insane. 

Tierra gets the next one on one, which will be exploring the streets of St. Croix. She explains to the girls that this is unacceptable, because she's really into boating and that's what she wanted for her date. That's what I wanted too, I was hoping she'd go the way of Natalie Wood (references!).

On the date, Tierra says she's "hot and gross". Well, I agree with one of those things (it's the gross one).

Very coincidentally, a parade passes by them. And it's here that we learn that Sean can't dance. I'm not saying it's Elaine from Seinfeld, but it's that minus leg kicks.

Tierra isn't Indian, but she does have some sort of mark on her forehead.

At dinner, Tierra says to Sean: "I had very nice day...I did feel like there was a little distant from you". I'm not making this up, guys. Maybe the reason she doesn't talk to the other girls is because she can't form complete sentences.

Tierra tells Sean that she's falling for him. But it seems forced and weird, they weren't even really having a moment. Oh, then she realizes it's not working, and whispers that she's falling in love with him. But he doesn't hear her because he's too busy wondering what that forehead thing is.

The next morning, Sean "sneaks" into the girls room and surprises them. It's time for the group date with Desiree, Catherine, and Lindsay. Sean says he wants to see what they look like without makeup. Darn! We really needed to see Selma without makeup! What a missed opportunity. Remember Saddam in that video when they were hanging him? That's what I was thinking it would resemble.

Lindsay: "I don't take a lot of guys home". She fucks in cars a lot.

The other girls are mad because Desiree is hogging Sean. And by hogging him I mean she's talking to him and being a nice person.

Does Lindsay have a zit on her cheek or did that used to be a piercing?

Catherine gets alone time. She has to be going home, right? Well, she uses her time to talk about her absentee father. He's all depressed and shit. He was abused and lives in China. When she was 14 he tried to commit suicide in front of her. It would be funny if he tried to get a tree to fall on him.

The tree. Never forget. 

Des gets alone time. Sean asks about her family, and of course she cries. Cause she grew up in a freaking tent! I'd cry too if my Dad was the Unabomber. Seriously, how do you not at least have a van?

Sean gives the rose to Lindsay. Whoa! That's a bit of a shocker. Sean said he was giving it to "the girl who hasn't wavered since day 1". Um...and that's Lindsay? She wavered, I remember, cause she was shitfaced and stumbling around. There was tons of wavering.

The final one on one is with Lesley. Uh oh, Sean is, well, he's wavering on her. The other girls are making strong cases with all of their personal tragedies and horrible lives.

Lesley is wearing a very padded bra. Does she know that we saw her earlier in that bikini? She makes a big long speech and then avoids telling Sean she loves him. Which, by the way, was smart. Because it seemed weird and cold between them and was completely not the right time. Sean is annoyed by her avoidance of things.

Lesley has dead person's eyes. That's different than dead eyes, I hope you understand and appreciate the distinction.

They very curiously cut the date very short. I wonder what we didn't see. They are either in love or he's not interested at all. He has to get rid of two people tonight. She has to be gone. And Catherine, right?

To "help" with Sean's decision, his sister shows up. I'm sure she'll have good advice since she has met none of the girls.

She basically tells Sean not to end up with Courtney. Who isn't on this season. But I guess he could understand that Tierra is basically Courtney. Except with a dent in her forehead.

They cross cut Sean and his sister with Tierra and AshLee arguing. Tierra randomly throws out "I'm 24, you're 32". Well, yes. That is true. Also, "girls are jealous. Men love me". Prove it.

Man, Tierra really hates 30 somethings. She also says that all of the girls have talked shit about AshLee too. AshLee asks the other girls about this, and then Tierra immediately says that she never said it.

AshLee complains about Tierra's raised eyebrow. Tierra cites the fact that she's never had botox. Cause she's 24, guys. Tierra's parents told her "Tierra you have a sparkle, do not let these girls take your sparkle away". And by sparkle they mean cuntiness.

Tierra: "I can't control my eyebrow!" Okay, she might have MS. That's not a laughing matter. 

Sean's brilliant solution is to get Tierra and have his sister interrogate her. By the way, his sister's name is Sipowicz.

He goes to get Tierra and she's crying. You can tell because she hasn't had botox. And also because she is a mess.

She pins all of her struggles on AshLee. You know, the girl who was raped and is kind to dying kids.

Sean has been completely suckered into this stupid girl drama. He says he's come to a decision and knows what he needs to do. This is what he says to Tierra:

"I know how emotionally taxing this has been on you...I'm crazy about you and I have been from the very first date. And because I care so much about you, I think it might be best if you go home now".

Well, yeah. And also cause you're the worst. He cares so much about her that he never wants to see her again.

He immediately walks her to a van, most likely the same van Desiree's family now calls home, and she gets in and leaves. Really? She didn't need to pack or anything?

Tierra, in the van, cries: "I hope the girls got what they wanted". Yep. They did. We all did. But I have a feeling this won't be the last we see of Tierra.

She reiterates her intention to never let anyone take her sparkle.

Sean talks to the girls about Tierra, "I had a moment of clarity". There's a first.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

DESIREE - not a surprise

CATHERINE - oooh. Not a good sign for Lesley. TIMBER!

ASHLEE - obviously. They tried to make this all dramatic, because of her fight with Tierra. Ridiculous. There was no way she was going home.

So Lesley is gone. At this point, it's not a surprise at all. 3 weeks ago, it would've been, but she really fell off. I even jumped off the bandwagon last week. There's just something soulless about her. And she's clearly not wild enough or dumb enough for him.

For some reason, Catherine loses it! I kind of love her response. She's like, "Lesley has more in common with him than I do!" Ha! Yes, thank you for your objectivity. I love it. She says she has no idea what Sean wants. Well, right now he wants to bang an Asian girl with daddy issues, and I don't blame him. I've been there.

Next week:  Hometown visits. Lindsay's Dad is in the military, so that's why she's a slut. Catherine's sisters don't believe in her anymore than she does. And Desiree's family is from the movie "Deliverance" and wants to fight, then possibly butt fuck, Sean. Awesome!

Goodnight.