Ugh. Two nights in a row of this again? Really? Sorry, but you can't call it a "2 Night Event" when you keep holding that event every week. It ceases to be an event! Events are rare! Assholes.
Anyway, hometown visit time. How bummed are we that this doesn't include a trip to Baghdad? With Selma's family offering Sean a goat head and some virgins for his trip home. Bummer.
First up, we are in Houston, Texas. The site of this year's NBA All Star Game. Side note: had a brilliant yet racist idea this weekend, shouldn't we combine the NBA All Star Game and the BET Awards? Seriously though, Ne-Yo did 3 songs before the game yesterday. 3! Plus, Kevin Hart was already there. Think of the savings.
AshLee lives here. Her and Sean bond over the fact that their fathers are pastors or possibly reverends. Sorry guys, no idea what any of those titles mean. But I assume they are the kind that are allowed to fuck women and don't fuck kids. Just a guess.
Sean calls AshLee a "frontrunner". Um, you do realize you're the one choosing here, right? If you want the underdog to win, it's your call. AshLee says she's never brought home somebody that she's "truly, madly, deeply in love with". She has brought home dudes she was just casually banging though.
AshLee's adopted, right? Ooh, that's tough. You can't do the mom test with her. Because if we were doing it, that would not be a good sign for Ashlee 30 years down the road. Her mom looks like Mike Ditka, and coincidentally, her dad is the long lost twin of Dick Butkus.
At lunch, AshLee is awkwardly honest with her parents, detailing her and Sean's various make out sesh's. Everyone is uncomfortable. Ditka then asks Sean if he's going to break AshLee's heart. Um, definitely. Sean quickly changes the subject to AshLee's abandonment issues and how she's a totally broken person. Nice one.
Sean and AshLee's dad get alone, and Sean pulls a bold maneuver. As he's being interrogated, he flips the script and basically calls the guy a bad father for letting AshLee get married when she was 17. Well done, sir. Butkus is immediately on the defensive - which is good because he used to play linebacker - and completely forgets that Sean is going to finger AshLee in the fantasy suite.
AshLee wants to get married right now. She's not kidding either. Obviously, this is not normal behavior, and quite scary. Who would've guessed the girl who was a child bride is fast on the ol' marriage trigger?
Next, we go to Seattle, Catherine's hometown. 10 bucks says hey're going to that stupid place where they throw the fish at you.
Instead, they get on a coin operated pig, which is basically just the kids version of a Sybian. That ends quickly and they head to...
Throwing the fish!!!!!!! Oh, TV, you are so predictable. According to my television viewing, this is the only place that exists in Seattle.
Catherine likes Sean's "big, beefy arms". What, no love for his bald nips?
I'm so confused by Catherine's looks. Is she hot? Sometimes. Is she kinda average too? Yep. I don't know what's going on. But she is Filipino, and quite frankly I've had some trouble with that in the past and feel like Sean needs to be warned. Let's just say they're not big on following through on things, like weddings. But I'm not bitter.
Sean has a jolly time with Catherine and her family, all of whom are women. They laugh, have a good time, and then for some reason Sean does push ups with Catherine on his back while Grams watches, pleasuring herself.
They don't show the Dad, but he has to be white. There is some strong Caucasian blood in this family. Which as we all know is totally the best kind of blood.
Catherine's sisters are horrified that she actually likes Sean. They thought she was going on the show as a goof. Well, Sean is going out with her as a goof, if that makes you feel better.
The sisters get Sean alone. They tell him Catherine's M.O. is to go all in with a guy, and then when the fun is over, she bolts. Yeah, tell me about it, sisters.
In short, they don't think Catherine wants to settle down. I think they like Sean more than they like their own sister. They start talking about "her moods". Jesus. Sean is suddenly facing the fact that he is dating Sybil (reference!).
Basically, Catherine's family sabotages her. God Damn Filipinos! I told you. You can't trust them!
All right, time to get back to the white girls, who are completely trustworthy. It's Lindsay, the boozy, wedding dress wearing, make out bandit. She's also a military brat. So we're at some army base in Missouri. In accordance, the producers setup their meeting in front of a fake cannon. Well done, location scout.
So far, every girl "brings out the kid" in Sean. Those are some beautiful pectorals for a kid.
Lindsay has a giant zit on her cheek. It's gigantic. She has the brain of a teenager and the skin problems to match. She might be entertaining in doses, but living with her? That's way too much. She's like Rebel Wilson, hilarious for a scene or two, but you're not asking her to play the lead.
Bit alert! Lindsay pretends to be a drill sergeant and makes Sean do army stuff. It's embarrassing for all involved.
Lindsay looks exactly like her mom. And I have to say, that's not the worst thing in the world because her mom does not look like anyone who has ever played for the Chicago Bears.
Even though Lindsay is 24, her mom thinks she's definitely ready to settle down. Things are different in the middle of the country, guys.
They're really playing up the "Lindsay's Dad is a scary Army General" thing. Taking a step back, it must be really fucking hard to look these father's in the eye and ask their permission to propose, when you know you have no intention of doing so. I mean, yikes.
Her dad gives his blessing, sort of. But remember, this is a guy who gave his blessing for the Iraq war, so it doesn't mean much.
Okay, it's Desiree and her crazy brother time. But for some reason, this backwoods, tent living, country bumpkin is in Los Angeles. Hey, we don't do that Deliverance shit around here, missy. I'm not sure why they're meeting here, but I guess when you're homeless you can say you live anywhere. That is the not often discussed silver lining of homelessness.
Desiree's bangs are operating on a cartoon level right now. I almost feel like it's a direct slap in my face, like she's taunting me with them. No one can seriously think that is a good idea.
They go somewhere that is described as "Desiree's house". It looks like a nice house in LA - I have no idea what's going on. Is she rich? Is this like, low income housing or something?
Sean has said "I feel like we're a couple" on every single date.
Okay, something very strange happens. A guy shows up and he's a really bad actor and pretends like he's Desiree's ex-boyfriend and still loves her, etc. Oh God, it's another bit. I hate it.
She must be getting him back for that prank earlier. This is such bullshit, because they used it in the promos and built it up. Did anyone buy this for a single second? They even go out to commercial on it. This is the worst, everyone knew immediately that it was a bit, right?
And we come back from commercial, and guess what? She goes "this is Nick, he's an actor". Using that term a little loosely there, aren't we? He will never work in show business again.
Finally, the tent people arrive. Desiree's Mom, Dad, and brother Nate. They're immediately confused by the indoor plumbing and frightened by the mirrors. Desiree's parents seriously look like they've lived in a tent for a long ass time. Poor things. I was just about to say that it's kind of cruel to put them on TV, and then I remembered Honey Boo Boo.
Oh boy, Desiree's brother is a tough guy. He's tells Des, "don't fall for nobody". I guess you learn hard lessons in a tent.
The asshole brother gets Sean alone and starts saying stupid things. Probably cause he was raised in the woods and you can't do book learnin' there. You can tell Sean is frightened by this dude. He's like, "I'm crazy about your sister". And dumbass goes, "but you're crazy about a lot of girls, right?" He's all aggressive. This is the kind of guy who gets mad when you use a fancy word, like, "clarity". "Why you talkin' over my head for?!"
Nate (quoted exactly): "I think you just a playboy, you know, you just havin' fun with the circumstances, you know, just, whatever comes along, have fun there, on to the next one, have fun there". Ugh. This is the kind of motherfucker that owns guns. That's why we need to take them away. Because of Nate.
The theory must be thrown out there: Desiree and Nate used to have sex with each other. They were all alone. In a tent. Under the moon light. The song, "Des and Nate, sitting in a tree..." came from somewhere.
They go back to the dinner table and it's awkward. But they're acting like the brother has had normal moments in the past, which he obviously hasn't. Her parents start talking about the weather, which seems reasonable considering the weather probably really affects their lifestyle.
Sean says that it's coming down to Catherine and Desiree. Coincidentally, those are the two families that fucked the whole thing up. I think he likes Des a lot more than Catherine though, so that's my pick. Let's see...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Just as Sean is about to give out the first rose, Desiree requests to talk to him alone. They go outside. She wants to clear up the whole "my brother might be the next Adam Lanza" thing. She cries and apologizes a lot, which she should have. She should've done it the night before. Okay, back to the roses...
ASHLEE - She may be crazy, but at least her family isn't
LINDSAY - You can't be a serious person and keep giving Lindsay roses. If she wasn't here right now, she'd be somewhere showing her tits for beads
Sean picks up the last rose, then puts it down and walks out! Oh, the drama. Perhaps he was going to send Des home and then the talk made him rethink it? By the way, doesn't the fact that he's struggling with this decision mean that it's all coming down to AshLee and Lindsay?
CATHERINE - Whoa!! In fairness, we are getting "hot" Catherine tonight. She looks good.
Desiree has to be pissed. How could she have known that introducing Sean to her psycho brother/lover with rage issues would back fire. Then again, maybe Sean just didn't feel like getting murdered.
Des tells him he's making a mistake. She's 26. She feels at least 10 years older than Lindsay. You know what they say, tent years are like dog years.
Tomorrow: Hold the phone! This isn't a real episode. It's a "Sean Tells All" thing, or something. This is what it's come to, ABC? Just show reruns of Suburgatory! Should I write about this tomorrow? I feel like I don't have to. Thoughts?
Next week: Lindsay looks hot in her bikini. AshLee says crazy things. And Catherine isn't seen.
Stay safe out there. Nate is coming for you. For all of us.