Sean the Boring Bachelor. After the Final Rose

Okay. Live studio audience. Chris Harrison. And out comes Sean. He is beaming. He says how in love he is. It seems like he means it.

I know the question you are all asking. And the answer is yes, Sean sorta did change his haircut. He's got a mini-Flock of Seagulls thing going on now. I think he's gotten a lot skinnier or something. I hope he didn't lose any of his pec fat.

Lindsay comes out. This should be delightfully uncomfortable. I'm not a fan of her florally dress, but she looks pretty good. She asks Sean what happened. Um, he liked another girl more than you. That's the basic summary.

Sean claims he didn't know who he was gonna pick until that final week. If I were Catherine, I wouldn't be too pleased to hear that. When I go on dates, I'm always sure to mention how there's another girl that I like but I can't figure out who I like more.

Lindsay asks him when he knew, and he says, very stupidly, "it was after our final one on one". Ouch. You can't say it was earlier or else she'd be like, "but you had sex with me!" So that's the answer you have to give. She follows up with, the obvious girl question, "what specifically on that date?" And he brushes it aside, "it wasn't any specific thing".

Lindsay says she's grown up so much. She's 25 now, you guys. She can rent cars now without adult supervision.

Lindsay leaves. Catherine comes out. You can tell me if the ring is any good, I can't tell. Sean's kinda looking weird...

Too much lipstick and too much skinniness. You're a meat head, dude, run with it. 

Sean calls Catherine his "best friend". Okay, that's a lie. She's not your best friend. You've known her for a month. That's an insult to your frat bros, at the very least.

I hate the way Catherine talks when she's talking seriously. 

I take it back. I hate the way Catherine talks.

Chris says Sean has "turned into a ballbag". I'll let that stand for itself.

There is no wedding date yet (of course not). The big announcement is that their wedding is going to be on TV. That's not a Bachelor first, that's actually a Bachelor third.

What a weird thing to announce as big news. "Yey. It's ABC programming!"

Chris asks if she's moving to Texas. Sean does a big dodge and says life is full of curveballs. So it sounds like he's moving to LA.

You know why this worked? Because Sean is a born again virgin or whatever. Only people who are waiting for marriage to have sex are this eager to get married. It won't work with people who get to have good ol' fashioned single person fun. There's no reason to get hitched.

Okay, time for The Bachelorette announcement. It is...

DESIREE

Wow, Lindsay gets fucked twice. She kind of got hosed, no?

Thankfully, Des is sticking to the no bangs look. Even better, we're getting the brother next season! That's gonna be fun for me.

On the other hand, it's kind of a bummer. Selma was my first choice, obviously. And I think AshLee would've made better TV. And Lesley is better overall. But whatever, at least she's better than Jillian.

Desiree says she can "handle" 25 men. Tent chicks are whores.

Until the summer...goodnight!