This is the end. And that means "a historic 3 hour finale", or so says Chris Harrison. Not sure what's historic about it, they do this shit twice a year. But they will announce the next Bachelorette, so that's something. Not history, but something.
Chris also promises "late breaking news" and says it's a "Bachelor first". A wedding date? I would hope it's more than that. Well, I guess if it's not him telling us that he's already broken up with his new fiance, than that would be a first.
We return to Thailand. I'm disappointed in all of you for not recognizing my Ames' jokes last time, so I'm not doing anymore of them. That is your punishment.
Sean's family arrives, and to no one's surprise, they are all shirtless. Actually, they are wearing shirts, but I'm sure they'll take them off soon. Oh great, they've told his 4 year old nephew that they are there "to pick a girl". He's gonna be remembering that when he's at the Mustang Ranch in 14 years.
Catherine arrives. Interesting that they've almost never had an Asian on the show, and then when they do, she gets to the final two. The lesson, as always, is white dudes like Asian girls. Cause they have small vaginas.
Also, check out the muscles on Sean's bro-in-law! Damn, that family is one big gun show.
Catherine tells Sean's mom about her whole "give Sean a note" strategy. She says on the 3rd week he reciprocated with a note of his own that said "I love the way your nose crinkles when you smile". That's when she knew that they have "a similar sense of humor". Hilarious! These two should take it to The Improv with that crinkle material.
Catherine tells Sean's dad that she's "consumed by him". That's a fantasy suite reference. Consumed = cunnilingus.
Lindsay is up next. Sean's dad tells Lindsay that they've "seen pictures". I immediately google "Bachelor Lindsay Naked". No idea what sites Sean's dad has access to, but I came up empty.
I just have to take a second here and express how dumb it is that Lindsay is here. Out of all the girls, she's at the end? I mean, she's nice and cute and all, but really? Final two? I'll take Lesley, Desiree (without the bangs), AshLee, and of course, Selma Al-Awlaki before her. And I don't mean that as a personal taste thing, more of a those are serious girls kinda way. Lindsay is a 12 year old.
Sean's dad totally wants to fuck both of them too.
Sean's mom interrogates Lindsay. Lindsay pretends that her and Sean have all these great conversations, leaving out the fact that they just make out all the time, and they're both incapable of great conversations.
Sean's family is the nicest family in the world. You could definitely see why he would get extra freaked out by Desiree's brother. Who needs to bring that shit around? Also, they grew up in a tent. That should never be overlooked.
Sean calls Lindsay "the piece that I've been missing...and then there's Catherine". It seems like it's gonna be Lindsay. Which again, is nuts.
It's sorta sad that we have to continue with this charade that he's equally in love with both women. It would be better if he said, "I love one and hate the other, now watch as I go out with them and try to guess which one is which". Seriously, how much more fun would that be to watch?
At long last, Sean puts on his gayest blue tank top.
I'm pretty sure that's the same one that Emilio Estevez wore in "The Breakfast Club".
"I'm so excited to be on this raft with Sean". Oh, Lindsay. As Sean starts giving out info about Thailand, Lindsay hears the adult voices from Charlie Brown.
Lindsay: "Sean and I have the same sense of humor". He must've used that same nose crinkle line with her. That's just comedy gold. Hey, if they have the same sense of humor, how come Sean didn't get her "wearing a wedding dress on the first night" bit?
Lindsay is 5'1", or as I call it, the very upper range of The Handleman Wheelhouse.
Lindsay: "That's why we're always kissing but that's how he can really express himself to me". And right now, Sean is expressing to her that he has a huge erection.
Sean has shed the blue tank for a pink V-neck. Okay, I have to say it, who is his costumer...Ames?!!
It's time for Catherine's date. 11 episodes later, I still haven't figured out if Catherine is good looking. What do you think Sean will wear? Purple deep V? Yep! Ames is on fire.
They ride an elephant. As opposed to their time in the fantasy suite, where she rode the bologna pony (i might be running out of dick jokes).
Catherine: "The next time I see him, he might be on his knee". Because that's how he'll thank Ames for all the great clothes?
How do you explain this behavior to the girl you do pick?! This is why these relationships don't work out. You can't unsee this shit.
Sean's mom is right, if you're in love with two girls and you don't know who to pick, then you definitely should not propose to either of them. Which means, I think, that he doesn't propose, and the big announcement later is a proposal. That's my prediction, write it down! Oh, I just did.
At the end of their date, they hug, then Sean puts his hand on her ass, she says "I love you". Sean responds "Thank for today". Catherine takes Sean's reaction badly, and thinks she's about to get her ass rejected. She calls it a horrible goodbye. Wait until tomorrow.
Catherine seems unaware of how the show works.
But I feel like it's very healthy that she is doubting what's going to happen. Unlike AshLee, who was just 100% positive that she was the one. You should have doubts! There's another girl, and people get burned every season.
Back from commercial, shirtless Sean! I'm gonna miss those almost too big to be on a man pecs.
Neil Lane arrives to show Sean the rings. Word to the wise, when it all goes south it is very hard to get anywhere close to fair value for an engagement ring. I learned that the hard way. Let's just say, I ended up with my engagement ring at a coffee shop where an Armenian man gave me a wad of cash in a rubber band. Good times.
Lindsay wears silver. She believes she's about to get engaged. Catherine wears gold. She believes she's about to get dumped. Sorry Lindsay, but silver is for second place.
They cut to the studio audience, and the crowd likes Catherine a lot more than Lindsay. Poor Nubs McGee, everyone is clapping and she can't participate.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
The first limo pulls up, and it's...LINDSAY. She voice overs: "Today is the best day of my life". It's way better to live your life with some doubts, kids. Save yourself the humiliation. Be jaded and miserable like me, it's way better.
Also, silver means second. I can't say it enough. You can't wear silver and expect to win it all, that goes against everything we know. On the bright side, another 5'1" chick is back on the market. I can't complain.
Sean gives her the talk, along with some Tony Soprano level breathing. He says "this is the toughest thing I've ever had to do". You can practically see Lindsay having a heart attack. You're 24 and hot! You'll be fine. Until you turn 30.
Whoa. Sean mentions that he does love her. That's gonna go over well when the Catherine regime takes over.
Lindsay tells him to stop. Which I respect. Then she asks "is it me?" Which I don't.
Ha. Lindsay (in a very calm voice): "I'm gonna go...cause this is my nightmare...this is just really, really painful. I didn't see this coming". See, that's your problem. You should see more stuff. You're 24!
If Chris Harrison isn't seizing the opportunity to bang every rebound chick on this show, then he is not a real man.
In the limo, Lindsay: "I know this feeling. I've felt it a hundred times". What?! She sure falls in love a lot. "Dangle everything I've ever wanted right in my face and then take it away! Yes! Please do that!" That's kinda funny.
"I just did not want to be hurt this way". Well, you came on a show where 24 girls get hurt. The odds were not in your favor.
Back to Sean at the altar of love. Chris comes out to give Sean a letter from Catherine. Nice. Maybe he'll get dumped and we'll be back at square one. Does anyone have Selma's number?
At this moment, they cut back to the studio audience and the ladies all groan and say swear words. Cause they love love, you guys!
By the way, we already saw Catherine in her gold dress. We know she's gonna show up. The letter is just more about how she loves him and wants to be his wife. Look who is confident now. That would've been awesomely awkward if she was the one getting rejected. "Hey, great letter, but the thing is...Lindsay is 24 and a hot idiot".
If Nubs McGee had made it to the final and was wearing a gold dress, what's the over/under on how many Oscar Pistorius jokes I would've made?
Sean gives his big speech. He doesn't want to say goodbye to her anymore. Hey, remember when he told AshLee that he didn't like this girl at all?
Do you think we've come to the point now where in the back of these girl's minds is, "I'm gonna be on Dancing with the Stars!" Of course we have.
Sean proposes. She says yes. Then asks if this is for real. Real? Well, it's TV.
Instead of Sean's family, he should've asked me about asking a Filipino chick to marry you. I would've had some helpful tips. Number one being, don't do it.
They ride off on an elephant.
And that's it. I'm gonna do the After the Final Rose in a separate post. Just have to say, I think this was one of the best Bachelor seasons. Not because of Sean, because of the girls. This was easily the best group of girls they've ever had. I can't think of another season where there were so many legit candidates to go all the way.
Selma for Bachelorette!