Notes From A Hack

The Challenge: The Rise of Leroy

2012-02-01T22:01:00.000-08:00

Sorry, this is just a note to tell you that I can't recap the Challenge. I appreciate the requests to do it and would love to. However, I have a full time job and can't be devoting my life to writing about these stupid TV shows. Though that is my dream.

Huge upset tonight! Wes goes down in stunning fashion. He's gonna have a hard time talking shit in future challenges after his last 2 exits.

But I knew Leroy had a good chance to win after I saw him in the club lift Aneesa up over his head. That is man strength right there, because she is a monster.

Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 5

2012-01-30T20:24:00.000-08:00

Is this season over yet? It basically is, but they're forcing us to sit through 10 more episodes. The crazy thing is we're 5 episodes in and there are still girls who have no business even being here. I'm looking at you, Kasey S, Blakely, and that one girl whose name I don't even know.

We are in Puerto Rico - home of Jennifer Lopez, Ricky Martin, and every player in the Major Leagues. Nicki gets the first one on one date. She wants to know "what it would really be like to be alone with him without 10 other girls waiting to talk to him". Um, boring?

Bachelor Copter! It's out early. Oh, I forgot that Nicki was married before. I probably didn't remember because Nicki hasn't been mentioned in the last 3 episodes.

Nicki says she's with the man of her dreams. I don't know if he's the man of anyone's dreams, but he definitely puts me to sleep. Jokes!

Nicki is thick! She's fitting in a little too well in Puerto Rico. It starts raining and it looks like a commercial for the new Fiat.

She says that Ben is muy, muy, muy caliente. Caliente means "hard to look at", right?

If you saw Ben and Nicki from behind I honestly don't think you could tell which one is which. I actually think Ben's hair is getting shorter in the back and longer in the front. Maybe he's like Pinocchio and every time he tells a winery lie his bangs grow.

Nicki is 26 years old, she was married for 3 years, and now she's on this show with the man of her dreams. I'm no math major, but she's either lying about her age or she was in an arranged marriage.

In other hair news, you can actually see Kacie B's hair curling right in front of your eyes. It's like one of those werewolf movies, but instead of turning into a wolf she's turning into Buckwheat.

Before:

After:

Nicki gets the rose.

The next group date is announced, and they realize that Elyse will be getting the final one on one. She's gets excited, not sure why, it's obvious she's getting her ass sent home in the most humiliating way possible: by Ben.

For the group date, they go to a baseball stadium. I believe that's Kenny Powers' home park. They're gonna play baseball and Blakely is "super excited" because she's good at baseball. Apparently, she has a lot of experience from playing with the balls on her chest.

Chris appearance! He tells the ladies that there's gonna be a beach party with Ben..."but not all of you will be there". You can hear one of the girls say "that's meeeeaaaaannnn". You're on a reality dating show! There is no mean! There's no crying on reality shows. Okay, yes there is, that's kind of the whole point.

They have to play baseball against each other to decide which team gets the beach date. Too bad that lesbian is gone, one of these teams could've used her softball experience.

The Blue team throws up 5 runs in the first, and then the Red team puts up 3 on a throwing error...by Ben. Leave it to this asshole to even suck at this.

The Blue team starts shutting shit down though because Blakely is catching everything. She then does a chest bump with Jennifer in celebration. I'm surprised those two rocks didn't put holes in Jennifer's chest.

Courtney on Blakely: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?"

The game goes to extra innings. The Red team needs one out. Jennifer gets down to 2 strikes, and the Ump makes a very questionable ball call. But then mighty Jennifer strikes out. That means the winners are Kacie B, Courtney, Kasey S, Lyndzi, and the one girl whose name I don't know.

Blakely is so pissed that she accidentally lets her trashy southern accent slip out. She's kept that thing hidden like the thousands of abortions she's had after getting knocked up by VIPs at Hooters.

The Bachelor Copter lands and takes Ben and the ladies off on the rest of their date, causing the Blue team to break down in tears. Calm down, it's just Ben.

Ben says this to Kacie B: "All of the women that I've really fallen for in my life...have not loved me back". There's a shocker.

Kacie B gets called away and told she will be starring in a remake of Lady of Rage's music video, "Afro Puffs". She also gets the rose.

Then after Kacie gets the rose, Courtney "steals Ben away" for some extra alone time. Courtney: "Those girls have no idea what I'm capable of". Actually, I think they're pretty aware of it.

Courtney's side boob gets blurred. She then suggests to Ben that they go skinny dipping later.

Kasey S is the best looking girl with the least amount of air time in this show's history. And my credentials as a Bachelor historian cannot be questioned.

It's time for Elyse's date of doom. There's no way she's coming back from this. There's a better chance of Kacie's hair straightening out, of Kasey speaking two sentences in a row on camera, of Blakely's boobs being real, of Courtney having a pretty mouth, of Rachel being in her twenties...

Ben and Elyse go on a yacht. Bachelor Yacht! Ben is like Leo DiCaprio in Titanic, only the exact opposite.

Elyse says she's "done everything" in her life. That's because she counts "living on my own" as doing something.

She gave up her job to be here! She must have thought the Bachelor was going to be Brad again. HOLD THE PHONE, I just realized that Elyse is a personal trainer. So she gave up nothing.

Later, they have dinner. Ben brings up the obvious red flag "um, earlier you said you've accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish?". And then Elyse says the dumbest thing a single girl can say: "I'm sick of being single". Ben's testicles immediately shrink into his stomach.

Ben is so uncomfortable during this date it's hilarious. He has to dump her and he really has no nice excuse to do it. It just isn't there. He was praying she would do something stupid so he'd have an easy out but it really never came. He launches into his lame speech and does the deed.

Elyse wants to know what she did wrong. Ben tells her that it's her face. No, he tries to be nice. Then he forces her onto a dingy and she motors off, much like Michael and Walt at the end of season 1 on Lost.

I guess women always want to know what they did wrong because they've never had to compete against other women for a guy. It's usually pretty simple in the real world - just say yes. Guys love that in the real world! So it's completely foreign to her that he could just like the other girls more.

The girls are stunned by Elyse getting eliminated, but Courtney theorizes that "maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out". I love that hypothesis. Courtney also mentions that Elyse leaving "blew her panties off". Also blowing her panties off: any chance at more screen time.

Courtney decides to make good on her skinny dipping plan. She says "I don't know if he's ever skinny dipped with a model before". Oh, I hate that she calls herself a model, and as if this is some sort of weird naked swimming trophy all guys want. By the way, I don't think hand models should be allowed to call themselves models.

She's wearing a robe and Ben invites her into his place. They drink wine, and Courtney not so subtly shows him her tits. Literally. That's not a joke. SHE IS GOOD. This is what guys want to see. It ain't tricky.

After a lot of babbling, Courtney finally drops trau, they go in the ocean, and she jerks him off. She's playing for keeps, people. And by keeps, I mean keeps for a month to help her modeling career before she dumps him and sells the story to In Touch Magazine.

Blakely is nervous about possibly getting eliminated. I have to say, she has really turned herself around. I'm suddenly rooting for this plucky little slut.

It's funny, these girls get so nervous and then they finally get Ben alone and say exactly the wrong thing. Blakely: "I'm 33 and still single".

Blakely wisely goes back to her skanky instincts and gives him a full thrashing with her tongue. This hypnotizes Ben into forgetting about her age.

Courtney brags about her "secret" with Ben, and then proceeds to hint to all of the girls about skinny dipping. Poor Jennifer goes on and on about skinny dipping, not knowing what happened. Poor, sweet, innocent, dumb, fake red headed Jennifer.

Oh, Emily, No! She gets Ben alone, and apologizes for talking shit about Courtney. She wants him to know she's not thinking about her anymore and she feels awful about bringing it up. AND THEN, she goes, but Courtney is such a weirdo. I'd hate to see you end up with her, and on, and on. Unbelievable. And she has a PHD? In what, shooting herself in the vagina?

Courtney is very similar to Dr. Michael Mancini from Melrose Place.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

LYNDZI - she's sort of just floating by, almost an unknown quantity at this point

JAMIE - speaking of unknown, this is the girl whose name I never know

RACHEL - it's her 40th birthday!

COURTNEY - she acts all surprised

KASEY S - an enigma

BLAKELY - one more week

EMILY - WHAT??!

Shockwaves have just gone through the Handleman house. What the fuck? Jennifer gets eliminated? Really, Ben? Jamie is still here, but Jennifer is gone? That is madness. Complete madness.

Kasey S is a mute! She was born without a tongue. And she's still around? Nothing makes sense. Oh shit, Jennifer just asked what she did wrong.

This is really weird. Not because she got sent home, but because of who is still left.

If Ben were in the real world, Jennifer wouldn't even give him a second look. I am upset. That was hurtful. Fuck Ben.

Next week: Kasey S finally gets her moment, but someone had to die for her to get it. And later, there's a mutiny on the Courtney.

For the record, here is Ben making out with Jennifer moments before eliminating her:

Huh?

Demi Moore Has Always Liked Younger Dudes

2012-01-27T11:29:00.000-08:00

This is pretty amazing...

The Challenge Is Back!

2012-01-25T20:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what my favorite ongoing reality series is, but in the top 3 would have to be The Real L Word on Showtime, Bachelor Pad, and of course, The Real World/Road World Challenge on MTV.

This show has morphed from a little Battle of the Network Stars type experiment involving cast members from The Real World and Road Rules, into the entire reason those shows even exist. Now they are a mere farm system for The Challenge.

Part of what sets this show apart is that the "stars" are reality show careerists. They have no other lives but this show, and desperately need the money to survive until the next season. Making matters even more difficult, they blow their cash on drugs and boob jobs. So you don't have to worry about them not bringing it.

Imagine the Olympics if the contestants were encouraged to take steroids and fuck each other. That's the beauty of The Challenge.

There are 2 drawbacks to this season: No Kenny, and no big beautiful, incredibly handsome and beefy Zach.

A Zach vs. CT matchup is the Mayweather/Pacquiao of The Challenge. Two monsters going at it.

But it was not to be. I'm hoping cooler heads will prevail and that happens at some point.

On the plus side, CT is in the building this year. As is Dustin, the straight guy who used to do gay porn. He has to team up with the girl he went out with until she found out he used to suck wieners on camera.

They're a team because it's the "Battle of the Exes". It's pretty easy to pull off because everyone on this show has had sex with everyone else at some point. The CDC should probably be aware of this situation because they're probably creating some kind of super strain of herpes. If an epidemic does break out in America, I wouldn't be surprised if Paula is patient zero.

Wes is back after his embarrassing performance in last year's finale, where Kenny had to carry him on his back up a mountain. Johnny Bananas is back as well, fresh off his lawsuit against Entourage over the name Johnny Bananas.

Overall, it's shaping up to be an enjoyable season and I encourage you to get on board.

Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 4

2012-01-23T20:47:00.000-08:00

Who are the Bachelor producers going to pull out of their ass to claim they love Ben this week? Chantel? Shawntelle? Ames?

We are now in Park City, Utah. Why? Ben says he "wants them to experience the outdoors. The outdoors are a big part of my life". Not part of his life: hair maintenance.

The first date is with Rachel, the girl with bangs who says she's 27 but looks exactly like Cheryl Tiegs looks right now. This makes Kacey B cry, because she wishes she "could just be going to the grocery store with him right now". Man, she really loves produce. And also, boring guys.

Bachelor Copter! I could've made them millions if they would've listened to my idea of buying their own helicopter 10 seasons ago. You could start a whole side business, where real couples could pay to use the Bachelor Copter and go on Bachelor dates and then 10 other girls come along too and then the couple fights and breaks up and he doesn't give her a rose and ends up with a fame whore who dumps him 3 weeks later to go on the Bachelor Pad, fucks Wes, then gets cheated on and has to settle for Frog Voiced Kasey.

They fly to a river or something, and go on a boat. It's funny because they both say how romantic and peaceful and perfect it is and then they cut to a shot of 500 flies flying all around them and that trash filled river.

My guess: Rachel smokes 3 packs a day.

She has nothing to say and it's awkward. She's out boring Ben. I didn't think that was possible. Ben: "It's not that my guard is up with Rachel, there's just something, I don't know, something I can't put my finger on". Yeah, her pussy.

They try to make it seem like Rachel turns it around, but she totally doesn't. She seems like a huge dummy. He gives her the rose in a pure pretty play. In other words, her hot body and face saved her ass. Her personality is ugly, but that never trumps boobs.

Group date. Ben is poorly riding a horse. He looks like Billy Crystal in City Slickers but with a mullet. They are going fly fishing. Just what you want to see hot girls wear: waders. Although I guess there's something in them tugging on poles.

No surprise, Courtney is the best at it, tugging on poles, that is. I know it's not a popular opinion, but I kind of enjoy Courtney. She's embracing the evil. She knows who she is on this show and she is not shying away from it. I also like how aware she is that everyone else hates her and even tries to make them hate her more. Hey, in a season of Ben and Kacie B's, you take what you can get.

We have a Casey S. sighting! I don't think she's spoken a word until right now. She's kind of attractive to be so hidden away all this time. And of course we get two words from her and stupid Nikki interrupts. I want to get to know Casey S!

That's not an elephant in the room, that's Nikki's giant nose.

Sam the Sash gets alone time, and we haven't seen much of her either. But she says: "I have such crazy feelings for this guy, I feel like I should already have a ring on my finger". Easy there, it's Ben, not the Miss Palisades pageant.

Ben completely swats her down. She must be acting nuts when the camera is not around because Ben is as animated and mean as I've ever seen him. He goes "on the group dates you're very emotional and I wonder if you're here for me". So she makes this face:

Then Ben says it's time to end this right now. I really wish they would've shown what actually happened here, because we barely saw this girl and now Ben is straight going off on her.

Also, if he felt that way, why not dump her last week and keep Shawntel? Oh that's right, cause Shawntel was a plant.

It's kinda feeling like he could end the show now and just propose to Kacie B. They are a perfect match, probably because of their matching hair.

Courtney gets her alone time and screws things up by bumming Ben out with talk of "the process". No one wants to hear that! Stick to pretending he's attractive, he likes that.

Aw, but it was all a trick! She is the master manipulator! Because her pouting causes Ben to give her the rose to make her feel better. Wow. Courtney, I will never doubt you again. I will never doubt how pathetic Ben is again either.

It's so funny when Ben goes to get the rose for her, and she's just sitting, sipping her wine in that evil way that she does, so fucking proud of herself. God damn bitches.

The final one on one date is with Jennifer, the cute, yet possibly slightly chubby and friend zoney, fake redhead.

They go hiking. And then repelling down a crater down to water. I don't know why they have to get practically naked to do it but I'm fine with it.

Ben says that relationships are all about trust and falling into the unknown, and then as they drop into the water he completely lands on top of her. Well, I guess in a certain way relationships are about that too.

Jennifer is a sweetie.

This statement by Ben just made me yell at the TV "fuck you! who are you?!" He says to Jennifer: "You think you'd be able to handle a crazier lifestyle. The days aren't the same, I never really know where I'm gonna be or what I'm to be doing, I have to be very flexible with a relationship that's flexible".

What do you think you're God Damn Brad Pitt or something?! What does he think he's up to that's so crazy? He should be on his knees begging Jennifer to live his boring life with him.

As Ben is giving her the rose, he says some nonsense about how he wasn't sure about her. Again, he gives off the vibe that she's this boring accountant and he's this wild man with all this stuff going on. You fake own a winery, you're not the most interesting man in the world.

Afterwards, Clay Walker, who Jennifer informs us is "a superstar" is "playing a concert just for them", except there's a hundred other people there.

I have to admit, I've never heard of Clay Walker, superstar. But I think he's the guy with the cowboy hat on.

Cocktail party. Emily gets alone time and rats out Courtney. She starts to do it and Ben goes "I don't know who you're talking about, I know you're not gonna throw anyone under the bus". And then Emily throws Courtney under the bus.

And this angers Ben! He hates when girls talk shit. Ben: "It's probably gonna end up in your own demise".

Demise? Jesus, someone thinks highly of himself. Ben is morphing into a big headed, big haired monster. Hey dickface, don't let all these girls go to your head, they're here because it's a TV show.

In a surprise twist, Kasey S. reveals that she's on Team Courtney! She loves her, and tells Emily so. Kasey S. is a fucking wild card, people. We need more of her.

Kasey S. immediately goes and tells Courtney what Emily said about her. This is so crazy, it's like Kasey S. hasn't even been on the show until right now. And she may not have been, I have to check the tapes.

Courtney commences "Operation Mindfuck" on Emily, and it immediately pays big dividends. Emily is a single A player and has found herself in the bigs with an inability to hit the curveball and little to no self esteem.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

LINDZI - in case you forgot, crazy face is still with us

JAMIE - she's venturing into Kasey S. territory with her lack of screen time on this show

NIKKI - she's the wannabe Kacie B

KACIE B - and she's the real thing

ELYSE - another girl without a speaking role this week

BLAKELY - remember when everyone hated Blakely? Courtney's evilness has turned her into just one of the gals

KASEY S - welcome to the party! By the way, she might be the hottest girl there, how has this happened?

EMILY - she's still in the game and a catfight is sure ensue next week

Finally, Monica the Lesbian got eliminated. Amazing that she lasted this long after saying very loudly in episode 1 that she had no interest in Ben and wanted to fuck Blakely.

Luckily, she's from Salt Lake City, so this limo is actually just driving her home. Judging from her tears, I think when she's sober she doesn't know that she loves poon.

Classic moment: Ben says "we're going to Puerto Rico!" All of the women cheer, but Courtney, under her breath, says "I was just there 2 months ago". Ha! It was just like that Kristen Wiig character, "I'm the President of Puerto Rico, so..."

Next Week: Courtney throws down the gauntlet. And by that I mean she shows Ben her beaver.

Goodnight!

I Have Been Successfully Rebutted

2012-01-20T17:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I wrote a little bit about Newt and his 3 marriages. Today, Fox News has made me look like an idiot.

Dr. Keith Ablow has written an opinion piece about why Newt's marriages actually might make him a good president.

If you don't want to click, here is part of his reasoning:

I want to be coldly analytical, not moralize, here. I want to tell you what Mr. Gingrich’s behavior could mean for the country, not for the future of his current marriage. So, here’s what one interested in making America stronger can reasonably conclude—psychologically—from Mr. Gingrich’s behavior during his three marriages:

1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.

2) Two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married.

3 ) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

Conclusion: When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about whether we’ll be clamoring for a third Gingrich term, not whether we’ll want to let him go after one.

4) Two women—Mr. Gingrich’s first two wives—have sat down with him while he delivered to them incredibly painful truths: that he no longer loved them as he did before, that he had fallen in love with other women and that he needed to follow his heart, despite the great price he would pay financially and the risk he would be taking with his reputation.

Conclusion: I can only hope Mr. Gingrich will be as direct and unsparing with the Congress, the American people and our allies. If this nation must now move with conviction in the direction of its heart, Newt Gingrich is obviously no stranger to that journey.

Is this for real?

I've heard Dr. Ablow on the Howard Stern before. He did some normal sounding stuff. Then he came on again, complaining about Chaz Bono and how kids were going to see him and want to cut their penis's off. Because of that, I have to assume this is not satire.

It says that he is a psychiatrist and member of the Fox News Medical A-Team. But you may know him by his given name, BA Baracus.

I've Got Nothing

2012-01-19T23:11:00.001-08:00

I have nothing interesting to write about. I'm gonna do my Nicholas Fehn impression and just give you my skewed view of things.

I'm glad American Idol's ratings weren't that good. It's amazing how long America's fascination with singing competitions has lasted. Is this the beginning of the end? It has to be, right?

I saw the year end ratings top ten recently, and it was something like this:

1. American Idol
2. American Idol Results Show
3. Dancing With the Stars
4. Dancing With the Stars Results Show
5. America's Got Talent

That is a sad, sad list. I never would've imagined that America would be this interested in watching mediocrity. It's also interesting to note that this has coincided with the decline of the music industry as a whole and the rise of Lana Del Rey appearances on SNL. Nothing makes sense!

I watched the debate tonight. I'm hoping for a Newt march to victory. He proposed to his second wife while still married to his first, he proposed to his third wife while still married to his second. He broke up with the first wife after she got cancer, and broke up with the second after she found out she had multiple sclerosis. And this is the best the Republicans have to offer! Fascinating.

My question is: what does the job of governing Texas entail? It can't be much. I'm sure that's been said before but it can't be emphasized enough how dumb Rick Perry is.

The 49ers somehow are in the NFC Championship game this weekend, and I'm conflicted. I love them, I want them to win, but I don't really understand how this has happened. Also, I feel the same way about Alex Smith that I feel about Tim Tebow. He's not an NFL quarterback. So this winning season is great, but I fear it will mean 5 more wasted years with Alex Smith.

It's so odd how winning makes all the weaknesses disappear. The media can't fathom that a team wins despite someone sucking. And that's what the niners have done. They have the 29th ranked passing offense in the league, and they are the league's worst in the red zone. And yet, you know, because of how far they've reached, they're gonna go with the same crap ass QB next year. That's hard for me to stomach.

I've been back working on season 4. Hard to believe we're on the 4th season. This is now officially the most episodes of one show I've ever worked on. It's gone by in a blur of nut shots and puke.

I'm really enjoying "Revenge". I don't know if it's good TV, it's probably rather stupid, but it keeps me entertained. They're finally realizing the fact that the guy who plays Conrad Grayson is only good at playing a bad guy. He has no range except for "evil". He has to be a dick in real life.

Why is NBC doing that thing in the "Smash" promos where they go "and introducing Katharine McPhee". Yeah, um, she was on the biggest TV show in the world. Smash is going to get a quarter of those ratings. You're not introducing her, you're ruining her career.

Okay, have to go to sleep now...

Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 3

2012-01-16T21:30:00.000-08:00

In honor of Ben and the producers of this show, I'm gonna do a half assed job tonight.

The gals head to Ben's "other" hometown of San Francisco. There are a lot of people who live in San Francisco while operating their own winery in Sonoma: they're called liars.

Ben meets up with his sister to chat. They look exactly alike, except for his sister has less feminine hair.

Emily gets the first one on one date. It's hard for me to remember who she is, but it says she's 27 and getting her PHD. She's gonna be a Doctor of going out with boring motherfuckers.

For their date, they are going to climb on top of the Bay Bridge. As a Bay Area native, I will tell you I had no idea that this was allowed. There tends to be quite a few earthquakes, so this seems like a terrible idea. I seem to recall one time where the earth shook and that whole bridge almost came down. I recall it because I was shitting my pants at the time.

As they walk up, Emily panics. She should be applauded for having a survival instinct. Ben gives her a kiss on the bridge and thinks that solved all of her problems. The only problem it solved was that it switched her fear from heights to a fear of having to spend the rest of the day with this dude.

Just like the time Ben had a bottle of wine once, he's now gonna tell people he climbs bridges for a living.

Later, they have dinner. Emily tells a story about online dating and being matched up with her brother. Ben doesn't let her finish the story but I'm gonna have to assume she ended up banging her brother. He gives her the rose.

Ben announces: "I could very well spend the rest of my life with her". This guy would propose to a fucking cheeseburger if it touched his lips the right way.

Group date. 11 women, 1 douche in need of a haircut. In one of the worst product placements ever, the girls tell us about the all new Honda CRVs. A crap car for a crap season.

Ben keeps saying "my leap list". Apparently one of the things on his leap list was to fill a street up with fake snow and ski down it with 11 women in bikinis. That one probably seemed like a long shot when he was jotting down that ol' leap list.

Rachel gets some alone time with Ben. She's really sticking with those bangs, but her body is quite nice. However, if she's 27 then I'm too cool to be blogging about the Bachelor. And we all know that is clearly not true.

Brittney gets the next one on one date, but she's "torn and confused" about it. Uh oh. She wants to go home! This never used to happen until Ashley showed up. Now it's a string of Bachelors who people are openly rejecting. Amazing. No one ever said no to Brad, I'll tell you that!

I've seen enough and will be making predictions at the end of this.

Lindzi the awful horse girl gets Brittney's sloppy seconds for the date. Lindzi sort of looks like Rachel, but in that same way that Leighton Meester looks like Minka Kelly but Minka is so much hotter. Lindzi isn't good, and secretly has crazy face.

They go up to City Hall and the door is locked. Ben pulls out a key and opens it. Lindzi: "I don't know who this guy is, but he's kind of amazing". Bitch, he doesn't actually have a key to City Hall. You are on a television show!

They go in and some terrible band is playing, and they dance and kiss. Then they head to Ben's "favorite speakeasy". It has a password to get in and it's "horse, of course". Too bad he wasn't with horse faced Blakely cause that would've been even more appropriate.

Lindzi tells Ben that she was dumped by her boyfriend of 1 and a half years via text that said "welcome to Dumpsville, population you". Sorry, but either you did something really bad to deserve that, or you chose to spend a year and a half of your life with an absolute dick. Either way, you suck at least a little bit.

On this date Lindzi's hair is constantly in a state of just been riding in a convertible for 6 hours.

CUT TO: mysterious footage of a car driving on the freeway. A girl speaks to Chris on the phone, telling him she's almost there. She says butterflies are starting to kick in. Who is this mysterious girl the producers have introduced into the mix to try and add a sliver of intrigue to this show?

We hear the girl say "I was on Brad's season of the Bachelor". Um, that doesn't narrow it for me, Brad has been on the show 12 times. Shit. Who is this?

And finally they reveal it's...

Shawntel!

Whoa. Didn't see that coming. I like it. I wish it was Chantal, but beggars can't be choosers. She says she has "very strong feelings for Ben". Do they know each other? I don't know what's going on.

Before the night started, Courtney toasted to a "drama free" night. Then she proceeds to start a bunch of drama. The girls start to notice that she might be a psychopath. I give her a pass, only because she delivered the best moment last week when she sipped her wine and said "it's like...war out there".

Courtney tells Ben "we'll make cute babies". All right, that's a little much. She might have a case of the rotting ovaries and now she's forcing herself to be proactive for the first time in her life.

God damn Kacie B has some hair issues. Holy shit. She has to be part black. If Chris Rock does a sequel to that hair movie, she should star.

Very funny moment as Shawntel walks past all the girls wearing her dress. At first they don't even notice, then they're all "who was that?" And then the freak out begins!

Ben finally sees her and says "holy shit!" Again, do they know each other?! Please, someone tell us. Maybe Ben's side gig is at the funeral home.

Elyse has to be dragged away from Ben for Shawntel. She's so angry it's awesome. This is the face she makes...

Ben and Shawntel talk. Shawntel says "we've talked before". When? At one of those Bachelor cruises? At the Bachelor Pad auditions? There's too much going on behind the scenes in the Bachelor universe. We need a channel. Oprah's not doing shit with hers, hand it over, bitch.

By the way, this is not unprecedented. During Byron's season (which I'm sure no one watched but me), they introduced two girls from a previous season. One of them was Mary who ended up winning. And by winning I mean getting punched in the face by Byron and repeatedly getting arrested for domestic abuse.

After talking to Ben, Shawntel has to go hang out with the girls. And of course, they start yelling at her. It's amazing. "She's uglier in person", is one of the comments. "You fucking loser", is another. Women hating other women for no real reason? Say it isn't so.

Jaclyn, the monster face, feels like she's better than Shawntel. Uh, no you're not.

Courtney: "If Ben gives Shawntel a rose, I am out". Oh Courtney, I used to respect you.

Some of you ladies are going to have to comment below and tell us why exactly they are crying about this, because I am at a loss. It's a game show! There are still 15 other girls there!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

COURTNEY - she hesitates before accepting, and wants him to know that she saw him talking to "what's her butt" and it was "a lot". Ben has no idea what she's saying and just gives her the rose without responding

KACIE B - a frontrunner

ELYSE - I am not a fan, especially after seeing the face pictured above

JAIMIE - she got no screen time tonight

JENNIFER - her star is fading

KASEY S - she's blonde and I forgot she was still here

BLAKELY - neigh

MONICA - ???!!!!! How is she still here? Disturbing. This is the longest a lesbian has ever lasted on this show, not counting Jerry O'Connell's brother

NIKKI - haven't seen much of her

SAMANTHA - Sam the sash

Before he hands out the final rose, he attempts to say a few words. Erica freaks the fuck out and basically falls down. One of the girls tells her to "put her head between her legs". The reason she's freaking out is because she didn't put her head between Ben's legs and now she's outta here.

The girls blame Erica's situation on Shawntel. I don't think it was Shawntel feeding her tequila and Xanax.

After things get settled, Ben declares that he's not handing out the final rose, and all 3 of the remaining girls (Shawntel, Erica, and Jaclyn) are eliminated.

Dude! You kept Monica over Shawntel? That's madness. Erica breaks down into tears. Jaclyn storms out.

The most maddening part of this whole thing is how mad and defiant Jaclyn is. Has she looked into a mirror lately?

It's pure insanity that she thought that she had a chance. She makes Vienna look like someone that's attractive.

Ben walks Shawntel out. The rest of the girls are pleased he got rid of her, cause they know and fear the dangers of new pussy.

I'm not sure what Ben was thinking, or what happened with him and Shawntel in the past, but I'm guessing he sensed the animosity from the rest of the girls and didn't want to cause trouble. Probably the right thing to do. But some of the girls still left are ridiculous.

RANKINGS

1. Kacey B
2. Lindzi
3. Courtney
4. Emily
5. Rachel
6. Jennifer
7. Nikki
8. Jaimie
9. Kasey S.
10. Elyse
11. Samantha
12. Blakely
13. Monica

Goodnight!

The Real Mysteries of the Dragon Tattoo

2012-01-13T11:32:00.001-08:00

I haven't read the Dragon Tattoo books. Awhile ago, I was dragged to the theater to see the Swedish film version of it. And much to my surprise, I really liked it. It's a great movie, very well done all around.

I finally watched David Fincher's version of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". It's a good movie, and though I'm probably biased because I saw the Swedish version first, the Swedish version was better.

But that's neither here nor there.

The interesting thing for me is the ability to compare two movies, made around the same time, about the same book, from different countries.

That's probably happened a bunch of times, but I can't really remember some examples except for "Vanilla Sky" (though that wasn't based on a book). However, that's not as fun to look at because both versions of that movie are piles of shit.

In this case, the movies are actually good, and now the people in the American version are up for a bunch of awards.

This seemed odd to me. Yeah, Steve Zaillian did a great job of adapting the book, but some random dude in Sweden did the same thing a few years ago and did just as good a job. Did he get any Golden Globes?

And sure, Rooney Mara was great as Lisbeth Salander, but so was Noomi Rapace, where's her trophy?

The point is, doesn't it take away from the greatness of the acting, directing, writing, etc., if some Swedish people have already done it, and done it just as well if not better?

There's an even bigger factor to this: David Fincher was somehow able to pull this movie off using a budget of:

$90 million dollars.

The Swedish version managed to do it with:

$13 million dollars.

$13 million dollars! And I liked that movie better! Where does that extra $77 million go? It's gotta be the damn unions fault. Wait, sorry, I've been watching too many Republican debates.

But still, that seems pretty crazy. And if I was the head of a studio I'd be scratching my head, and moving to Sweden. Shouldn't there be a degree of difficulty here? Imagine what that Swedish director could've done with $77 million more dollars.

One other thing that bewildered me about the American version:

Swedish accents.

I was pretty surprised by this and wasn't expecting it. I was expecting the American version to have American accents. Does this story have to be set in Sweden? Does it matter?

And if it does (because of the ex Nazi thing), do people in Sweden talk to each other in Swedish accents?

And was Daniel Craig even doing one? How come he was allowed to be British? Cause it's not American and we can't tell the difference? Did the script say "all actors will speak in Swedish accents?"

These are questions I want to know.

Let me conclude with a quote from David Fincher himself, on his movie vs. the Swedish one:

"I thought it was wonderfully done, but when I read the book it was a different story I saw in my head to the film that I saw."

Really? Cause it looked a lot like the same exact story, just a lot more expensive.

Team Handleman Expands

2012-01-11T20:47:00.000-08:00

The decision has been made, and I have signed with an agency. Team Handleman now includes an agent, a manager, and a lawyer! Who am I? Trust me, I do not generate the kind of income that deserves this many leeches fighting for my scraps. How do they live? I don't know, they must have a million idiots like me for it to add up to any kind of living wage.

If you're a little surprised about this decision, well, so am I. Team Handleman has never really produced results. Actually, the only thing Team Handleman has ever produced is good stories for this blog. Another agent? What's the point? Why?

Well, here's my reasoning.

The argument against having an agent and a manager is the percentage of your income you have to fork over. That's really it. Other than that, there's no downside. But obviously, that's a really big downside.

Thus, the reason I decided to get an agent is because I don't care about money.

Okay, that's a lie. Of course I care about money! I'm not a dirty hippy. No one wants to be a part of the 99% if they have a choice. There isn't a person living in a tent who wouldn't trade places with Mitt Romney in a second. Heck, I'll throw on some magic underwear and praise Brigham Young right now if it means I get to live like Mitt.

But what I mean by not caring about the money is this:

I'm trying to have the best career I can possibly have. I'm trying to create my own shows and run them. I'm trying to be Jason Katims/Steven Bochco/David E. Kelley up in this bitch. Is that going to happen? Probably not. But I might as well give myself every opportunity to make that happen.

So the percentage taken out of the little money I make now isn't that big a deal...if it can lead to me making the big bucks in the future.

Again, probably not going to happen. But I'd rather not risk it and end up regretting it later.

And if it doesn't work out and they're taking 20% of my measly paycheck for writing one liners on MTV's "Teen Mom" dating show (which will inevitably happen), well then I will fire Team Handleman. It didn't work out, no harm done. At least I gave it a shot.

But if it does happen, and I'm running shit, maybe it will seem worth it. Maybe they made it happen. Or better yet, once I get there, I'll fire Team Handleman and keep all that cash for myself!

They'll either help or hurt or do nothing, and then in every scenario I can get rid of them and that 20% was just the price of playing.

So there you go. For my sake, I hope you never hear about Team Handleman's follies again, but I highly, highly doubt it. They are agents, after all. It's in their nature to fuck with me.

Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 2

2012-01-09T20:47:00.000-08:00

Ben says he is "flying the girls up" to Sonoma, so they can understand a big part of his life. Maybe before you do that, you should talk to them once or twice, have a dinner or something. Oh, the producers are trying to spice this turd up? Got ya.

To understand Ben's life, the ladies are staying in a giant house with a pool instead of Ben's studio apartment.

The first date is a one on one with Kacey B. She's already thinking of their wedding day. Hold on, lady, you're not even his favorite Kacey.

There's wild speculation in the Handleman household that Kacey B. might be half black. That is unconfirmed, but if I can get a better look at her ass the rumor might pick up steam.

By the way, this could make for the greatest Bachelor finale of all time. She makes it to the final two and then Ben finds out she's half black, he cries uncontrollably on a balcony overlooking the ocean, and then proposes to the girl with pure Aryan blood.

It's not that Ben is bad, it's that he's nothing. If I wanted to watch average nobodies fall in love I'd have friends.

Ben gives barely white Kacey the rose, and then they go to a theater and watch old videos of Kacey. I have to assume she knew this was coming unless ABC somehow broke into her parent's closet. Then they show home movies of Ben as a kid. We get a look at his dead dad. Ben cries. Okay guys, now that you're all depressed, it's time for you to fuck!

Kacey seems like a nice gal, I have no objections to her. But I think they're setting us up for "our first date was amazing and I thought you were the one, but now after these group dates I don't feel special anymore and I don't know what to believe". I've seen it a thousand times.

Group date. 12 women. That's about 6 too many. Blakely's fake boobs (didn't notice those before) are successfully distracting me from her crazy Fire Marshall Bill teeth.

They are going to have to perform a play. First, they have to audition for a bunch of kids. The women seem horrified by this. There's a creepy Asian girl who is ordering them around. Ben must hate her cause she's Asian. And also because she's a girl with self esteem.

A little dude asks Blakely to jog in slow motion, which is awesome because of her tits. Next they should ask her to chew in slow motion.

I should note that psycho ass Jenna is on this date. I should also note that she's probably the prettiest psycho the show has ever produced. It makes her nuttery all the more entertaining.

The play is a fairy tale about Ben as the prince who as everything except for a princess. It's worse than that sounds. I feel bad for the girls. I think that one ugly blonde girl (Jaclyn) is playing the part of Shrek.

Ben says the play is something that "Sonoma won't forget for awhile". Not a lot going on in that town. I think the last noteworthy thing that happened in Sonoma was when Detective Linden finally moved there after solving the Rosie Larsen case.

Blakely and Monica are on this date together but they've seemed to drop the lesbian lover routine. Very disappointing. Oh, I almost forgot, big shout out to the commenter who informed us that Blakely actually works at Hooters. That's awesome, "VIP cocktail waitress". Ha. Get me my chicken wings, bitch.

Nicki is the two face of the group. I'm so confused, sometimes she's cute, sometimes she's not. I can't keep track. Whoa, she's ugly again...

Jennifer, the red head who I loved last week, gets some alone time. Ben sneak attacks her with a smooch. I don't like the way she kisses, she's a pecker. He might be awful too. I swear, 25 seasons and they haven't found a solid kisser yet.

Then Blakely gets Ben in the pool and sneak attacks him with a kiss. Return fire! Unfortunately, Jennifer sees this and doesn't know what to believe. Believe that this is the Bachelor, and you're on a date with 11 other sluts.

In a minor upset, Ben gives the rose to Blakely. Never underestimate surgically enhanced breasts and the manipulative skills of a Hooters waitress. That food ain't that good.

Jennifer cries over this. "I just hope he gives me time". You could do so much better! The winery is a lie! Look at his hair. Come on. You're an angel!

Sort of hard to understand, but I think someone (maybe Samantha) calls Blakely a candy striping hooker. She says everyone hates her, and her face is horsey. Can't argue with that. But you may remember Samantha last week by her given name, Sam the Sash.

The last date, a one on one, is with Courtney the model. I actually thought he was just going to ignore her and assume she was advancing to the final two. I would've been fine with it. Why even waste anyone's time?

When the girl reads the date card that says Courtney's getting the last date, Courtney says "how'd that taste coming out of your mouth". Whoa! That's some hood shit right there, where's my half black girl at?

Kacie B without makeup and her hair undid is not a pretty sight.

Ben brings his dog Scotch along and takes Courtney to the woods to rape and murder her, I mean, have lunch. Ben says it "feels like a normal thing, hop in the car, go out, it feels like a Saturday". I don't think I've left the house on a Saturday in 6 months.

Courtney is trying a lot harder than she needs to. Ben calls her "the full package". I think he thinks she's a car.

Shark Tank commercial! January 20th.

This date is the perfect example of "when you go on a date with someone, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative". She's not being herself. She's being who she thinks Ben wants her to be. She keeps saying "tell me more about you..." and then trying to stay awake as he rambles on.

I hate her.

By the way, everyone on this show is pretending like they've known each other for months. People are saying things like "I'm seeing a whole other side to you". You just met! You know no other side. This is the only side you could possibly be aware of.

While giving her the rose, Ben notes that Courtney has trust issues. She also has mouth issues.

Cocktail party. Some of the girls didn't get a date at all, and they are nervous. One of them is first impression rose/rode in on a horse Lindzi. Not to be confused with horse face Blakely.

Lindzi brags about driving a truck and how normally "dirt is my makeup". Shut up. You need to try actual makeup.

Blakely has come out of nowhere tonight to steal the show. Everyone wants to murder her. Well, except for Courtney, who calmly sips her wine and drawls "it's like a war out there". Models don't give a shit.

Jenna, at long last, tries to make her mark on this episode. She gets alone time with him and drops her coat on a candle. Maybe she only shines at cocktail parties. Uh oh, she's starting to lose it. She says she's like a guy. And then stammers and stutters and blurts out "I'm not a girl!"

I don't know. She's barely functional. Another girl comes out, which normally is a bad thing, but I think she saved Jenna from further humiliation.

The ladies all start talking shit about Blakely, which causes her to crawl into the fetal position next to some luggage and cry. Ben magically happens upon her. It's awkward, and he quickly leaves...only to find Jenna lying on a bed crying! It's funny, this is probably what it's really like to date multiple women. Just different rooms of tears.

THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

JENNIFER - yes, thank you

EMILY - didn't speak this episode

ELYSE - did speak, but only to bash Blakely

JACLYN - I'll say it again, the most unattractive person ever to appear on the show (Vienna is second)

ERICA - a member of the anti-Blakely faction

RACHEL - she's 50 years old with bangs, and still a thousand times hotter than Jaclyn

LINDZI - she's fucking lame

NIKKI - what face will show up next week?

KACEY S - the all white Kacey

SAMANTHA - leader of the anti-Blakely faction

MONICA - leader of the I want to lick Blakely's VIP area faction

JAIMIE - I dig her look, but she's not getting a lot of attention thus far

BRITTANY - I really don't like her face, but she hasn't said much

So Jenna is gone, as expected. She was only around because of the producers, and then she didn't produce too many fireworks this episode so there was no point in her sticking around.

A blonde girl also got eliminated, but I have no idea who she was. But the fact that she got booted and Jaclyn is still here is a national travesty.

As she leaves, Jenna remains calm and poised and dignified, and actually seems kinda cool. Just kidding, she cries hysterically and says "are you kidding me?" over and over. She also thinks she deserves love and has "always been trying to find it".

Next week: they go to San Francisco, which Ben also calls his hometown. How can you run your made up winery from San Francisco? Also, Ben's mysterious ex girlfriend returns and the girls lose their minds. That should be good.

Goodnight.

This is Great

2012-01-09T16:12:00.000-08:00

And the Best Picture Oscar Goes to Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

2012-01-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

Is this the worst year ever for "Oscar" movies? And by Oscar movies I mean the movies that are made to try and win Oscars and are released at the end of the year and send out screeners. Cause I've watched a bunch of them and they all suck.

Tonight I saw "Carnage". Sucked. Last night I watched "Tinker Tailer Soldier Spy". Sucked. "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"? Extremely sucked and incredibly sucked. "War Horse"? I don't give a crap about a horse. "Tree of Life"...fuck you!

Maybe people weren't that far off when they were touting "Drive" as a Best Picture candidate. I didn't like it, but in comparison it's looking pretty good. Same goes for "Young Adult".

I'm seeing "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" tomorrow. I'm sure it will be fine, but it feels a bit anti-climactic since Sweden already made a pretty damn good movie out of it. "The Descendants" was okay at best. So what are we left with?

Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol.

Should it win Best Picture? No...not in a normal year. But this year it should be considered. It should definitely get Best Screenplay. Why? Because who could think of that shit?

I don't understand why people who write small, intimate character studies always win the awards. That just doesn't feel that hard to do. But a robot/computer that can simulate a hallway so Tom Cruise can sneak around behind it? Not too many people are coming up with that. That is creativity. That is good writing.

Of course, 20 different people probably rewrote it a thousand times, but still...

The only drawback I can think of in the movie is Michelle Monaghan's bangs. The one thing they don't fix with CGI! Huge mistake.

I was trying to think if there was anything else I loved. The past couple years, I had a dark horse candidate that I thought were perhaps the best films of the year that weren't considered for anything. Both happened to be Russell Crowe movies - State of Play and The Next 3 Days. But I think Russell sat out this year doing Weight Watchers, so I have to look elsewhere.

"Bridesmaids"? I guess that's up there for me. And "Crazy Stupid Love". But those are comedies, so they must be spat upon by the Academy.

It's gotten so bad that people are even starting to act like "Midnight in Paris" was a good movie. It sucked! Stop it with that lazy ass crap.

But then I remembered there was a beacon of light. A ray of hope that dazzled me at the theater this year, perhaps more than all others.

So without further ado, my 3rd annual/Russell Crowe dark horse, would be considered for Best Picture if it was released later in the year is...

Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

This was a pretty great movie. And I say that as a man who hates apes. And I'm not just referring to James Franco.

I don't know how they pulled it off, it should've been terrible. It had every right to be. And yet, with apes and James Franco's lack of any discernible talent holding it back, it was awesome. More people should be talking about it when it comes to awards. And also Ghost Protocol.

In any other year, there would be no way. But this year? It's hard to believe there are 5 other movies that are honestly better than those two.

Let's just hope the serious films can get their act together and not ruin our holidays next year.

Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 1

2012-01-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

Before we begin, let me complain some more about the choice of Ben as the Bachelor:

The show is stuck in a horrible pattern. Every season they are feeding us these rejects. Look dummies, it's a given that the public will feel sympathy for the person who is dumped during the season before, but that does not mean we want them to be the next Bachelor. We feel bad, yes, but in our hearts we know that those people are damaged goods. The Bachelor should be a rock star. The type that men want to be and women want to be with!

The American people don't know what they want, and they definitely don't know what is good for them. Tell us who is awesome, and we'll probably follow. Create stars, don't recycle people who weren't good enough to be stars in the first place. This guy got rejected by Ashley! Do you understand...Ashley!

Okay, on with the show...

I'm already getting ready for scenes of Ben with his shirt off to try and convince us that he's appealing. Ben has moved back to San Francisco. Wait, what about "his" "winery"? Oh, he tells us he goes to Sonoma 4 or 5 days of the week building the winery. I have no idea what that means and I'm sure it's a lie. Pretty sure he works at Starbucks.

Look, there's Ben on a tractor. There's Ben carrying a 2x4. There's Ben standing on a porch. There's Ben walking through the winery. This all takes place with his shirt on, that probably means he doesn't have the goods underneath.

Ben: "I've never juggled 25 women". You haven't been with 25 women combined in your life, shut up. The only thing you're juggling are the lies about your winery business.

Wait, topless Ben on a kayak! Hard to tell, but the abs weren't encouraging. Let's just have it be Brad every season. His body never disappoints.

Because this is a 2 hour show, they fill time by pre-introducing us to a few of the girls before the official limo meet and greet. The only promising thing is how crazy they spell their names.

I love how they do these stereotypes for the professions - the nurse is in scrubs holding a baby, the blogger in New York is sipping wine outside while typing on her laptop, the business lady is staring at stock quotes and ordering someone to buy and sell, and of course the girl from Texas is riding a bull. All they are missing is the slut turning tricks at the Cat House.

Hard to listen to Ben without falling asleep, but what keeps me awake is staring at his nose and trying to understand how fucked up it is. Sometimes it looks normal, then he makes a face and suddenly he turns into a dragon.

Finally, it's limo time. Let's officially meet the gals...

RACHEL, 27. A blonde, milf type from New York. She has bangs, but they don't bother me as much as normal. But let's give it time. I should mention that she's taller than Ben.

ERIKA, 23. A law student, who looks good from afar but is far from good. She tells Ben he is guilty of being sexy. Leave it to a future lawyer to lie to his face.

AMBER B. 23. A nurse from Canada with giant boobs. She has too much personality for her own good. Settle down, this isn't SCTV (Canada jokes!).

ELYSE, 24. A dark haired personal trainer. She seems like a perfectly nondescript average girl. We might have a match.

JENNA, 27. The blogger/Carrie Bradshaw wannabe from New York. I don't know if she's really tan or part black. She embarrasses herself and misquotes Ben from last season. They make it seem as awkward as possible. Guess that's why she's a blogger.

You know you've picked the wrong Bachelor when the limos pull up and the girls scream in excitement and can only say words like "cute" and "adorable". You won't hear the word "hot" used in reference to Ben.

COURTNEY, 28. A model from Santa Monica. She's actually good looking enough to be a model. She's very comfortable with herself, which is nice to see. But she should be, she's pretty.

EMILY, 29. A PHD student with awful hair. I mean, awful. I didn't know they gave out PHD's in trailer parks.

SAMANTHA, 26. She's wearing a sash cause she was Miss Pacific Palisades. There's a chance she's just a psycho who got a sash printed up.

CASEY S, 26. She's taller than Ben too. Sort of pretty, probably the best blonde thus far.

AMBER T, 29. Hmmm, another 29 year old. What a shock.

HOLLY, 34. 34! I'm sure that's not gonna come up with the other girls at all. She's wearing a giant hat, not sure why. Maybe it's because she's bald from being so damn old.

JAMIE, 25. Another nurse. Her teeth are insane. Maybe Ashley did them for her.

SHIRA, NO AGE GIVEN?! That's not suspicious at all. Love it. She's an "actress". I'm frightened.

BLAKELY, 34. Her occupation: VIP Cocktail waitress from Charlotte. And did I mention she's 34? Wow. Someone is looking for a man to save her ass, I can't believe none of those VIPs in North Carolina she serves drinks to ever stole her heart.

It's bit time:

SHERYL, 72. The old lady on crutches who you've seen in the promos. Maybe she's there to make the two 34 year olds look a little less old. But it's not what you think, she introduces Ben to her granddaughter, who is:

BRITTNEY, 26. A slightly chubby blonde. What a hilarious gimmick, but I guess if you can get a commercial out of it, you do it. I'll tell you though, I'd respect Ben a lot more if he fucked granny.

NICKI, 26. A dental hygienist. Uh oh, I think we've had enough dental types on this show. She's cute, I guess. A case of the crazy eyes though. A bunch of these brunettes look alike, I can't tell them apart.

DIANNA, 30. She might have a bit of a weight problem, my sister is not going to be happy with me for saying that. "She's normal!"

JENNIFER, 28. An accountant. Also, a redhead. She's got nice eyes and a lame accountant gimmick of giving Ben a bunch of numbers. Just go inside, fire crotch.

LYNDSIE J, 29. A Brit with an even more fascinating nose than Ben's. She's out of control. Even her laugh has an accent.

ANNA, 25. Still a student. Very blonde. She thinks highly of herself, and out of all the gimmicks we've seen tonight, she somehow makes the funniest intro of them all. She walks up to Ben, slightly cocks her head, and whispers "Hi" in the funniest way. I might have to record that off my TV and post it cause you need to understand the greatness. Then she just walks right past him without saying anything else. Awesome.

MONICA, 33. Damn these are some old bitches! At least have respect for yourself and say you're 29. She's a dental consultant! Jesus, are the producers just calling Delta Dental and asking for lookers?

JACLYN, 27. She is not attractive and will go nowhere. Of course, that's what I said about Vienna.

SHAWN, 28. She has the boobs of a woman twice her age. She gives Ben a punch to the arm before she goes inside, very odd and funny.

KACIE B, 24. Okay, she's too skinny. This is a girl they showed earlier who loves Ben and wants to have 10 of his babies already.

LINDZI C, 26. She comes riding up on a horse for no reason, maybe it's because she spells her name that way and has to be lame at everything. She's cute, another brunette lookalike.

That's all the women. Alright, this has to be mentioned again: ALL WHITE GIRLS. What the hell? Ben is a racist! That is wrong. Come on, who doesn't like an Asian girl? You can't have one? Not cool, Bachelor. We need Kanye, Ben does not care about black people.

Ben goes inside to the cocktail party to talk with them and get entertained by the talent show we all know is coming. It only took 2 more seconds for me to hate that one girl's bangs. And I don't believe for a second that she's 27. However, she's good with Ben and she's definitely gonna move on.

Nicki is one of the lookalike brunettes who loves Ben way too much. She's divorced, but not bringing up now because she doesn't want him to think she's all used up, which of course, all divorcees are.

I desperately need some magazine or website to expose this wine lie for me. Why is everyone pretending like he's really doing this? I can't see too good, is that Frank Ford Coppola over here?

Ben has to play out this grandma bullshit and talk to her and her granddaughter, who I'm pretty sure has a chin implant, or is related to Jay Leno.

That Nicki chick is up in Ben's grill every second.

There's a girl with a tattoo on her arm with a heart and the key to her heart. I think I know a frog voiced gentleman who she should meet.

Dianna blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy and he has to guess what it is. With games like these, she could be a producer on The Bachelor Pad.

Bad hair Emily says "there's a gangsta side of me". No shit, Eminem. She takes Ben aside and does a rap for him, and it's as bad as you think it would be. But what are you gonna do, you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.

The model furthers her cause, but she also furthers her cause to be the girl who isn't there to make friends. She tells us she's better than the others, but the problem is that she is right.

A porky blonde girl tells Jenna that she feels nothing for Ben. She's there to party. Her name is Monica. She doesn't like Ben, but she's fallen in love with Blakely. Maybe this will be a good season after all. Wait a minute...lesbian Bachelor?! Get on it, ABC.

That being said, Jenna is being a complete crazy person about it. She must hate lesbos. Maybe she's a Republican. She starts talking like Mary J. Blige, "I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna shed no tears".

Jenna and Monica try to bury the hatchet but they're speaking different girl languages. Jenna: "maybe we can share a tampon sometime". Monica: "That's not classy". Nothing makes sense.

Ben has literally not been on the screen for the last 12 minutes. What a great choice!

Jenna breaks her promise to Mary J. and tears up, Ben notices and asks "are you crying?". She accidentally quotes Mary again "I'm fine, fine, fine".

Ben gives all the girls a head fake by giving the first impression rose to the horse girl, concealing his true feelings for the model. That's strategy. You don't wanna be the asshole that loves the model. Girls are not fans of that.

Funny, Blakely the VIP cocktail waitress has the worst Fire Marshall Bill teeth ever, and her lesbian lover Monica works in the dental field.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

JAMIE - the nurse with white teeth, kept her head down enough to get a rose

RACHEL - the bangs, but an early frontrunner, is secretly 40 years old

BLAKELY - let me show ya somethin!

EMILY - the gangsta rapper, congrats B Rabbit

KACEY B - she's gonna be the crazy person when we move to week 2, I feel it

KACEY S - barely spoke, she's a dark horse though

BRITTANY - Grandma comes through

ERICA - a bland brunette

SHAWN - she's gonna be in the friend zone

NICKI - another candidate for crazy status

JENNIFER - the red head, didn't say a word at the cocktail party, I'm a fan

ELYSE - brunette squad strikes again

SAMANTHA - they call her "sam the sash". Bad pick.

COURTNEY - the model, duh

JACLYN - possibly the most unattractive girl ever to appear on the show, this is an outrage

MONICA - her girlfriend is going to be so happy

JENNA - NOOOOOOO!!!

Terrible pick. Oh my God. That's the producer's call, such bullshit. He wanted nothing to do with her, but she's there for the drama. That sucks because there's a couple of girls I wanted to stay. Damn politics.

This season on the Bachelor...

Ben bores the pants off of everybody, so the producers are forced to inject drama via an ex girlfriend. Yay.

I look forward to taking this journey with all of you. Goodnight.

Diablo Cody is Better Than You, Just Ask Her

2011-12-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

Psyche!

I'm sneaking in one more post before the new year. The reason? Well, it's a Christmas tradition for my family and I to watch the screeners I got for being in the Writers Guild, and one of them was the movie Young Adult. It inspired me to be with you here today. Actually, just one scene from the movie inspired me. But I'll get back to that in a second...

Diablo Cody is somewhat of a controversial figure. People love her. People hate her. This is mostly because of the movie Juno. Some people thought it was amazing, others wanted to murder it.

I liked Juno. Some of the dialogue was annoying, but overall I enjoyed it. I skipped Jennifer's Body, because I hate horror movies even more than I love Megan Fox's boobies. And I hate The United States of Tara. I mean, I really fucking hate it. I feel like that show will be on in a rerun in 10 years and people will be like, "man, things have really changed in TV, I can't believe that was once acceptable". It wasn't! It was never acceptable!

Back to Young Adult, her third feature. I don't think you can call it a good movie. At best, it's okay, definitely not awful. Charlize Theron is great, and should win awards. But the movie, well, it shouldn't. But I admired it.

There is a crazy consensus in the film world that protagonists must be "likeable". Every meeting you ever go in you will hear, "make him/her likeable". It's stupid. Unlikeable people are fun to watch too, you know.

Plus, put a famous actor in any role and he/she will be a little likeable just because we know who they really are (on the flip side, put Katherine Heigl in any role and she will be immediately unlikeable). Was Tony Soprano likeable? Not entirely. Was it an awesome show? Yes. Why? Because assholes are interesting.

It probably took someone of Diablo Cody's stature to get this movie made. You and I couldn't sell this movie. So it's cool that she took the risk and made something about a bitch. And she did it in a non traditional movie way where there isn't a happy ending and things don't get neatly tied up. So good for her.

Let's be clear: this movie did not fail because it has unlikeable protagonist, it failed because it isn't funny enough. But that's a different matter entirely. Of course, studios aren't going to understand this and we're not going to get another unlikeable protagonist for the next 30 years.

I also think Diablo Cody is a darn good writer. Say what you want about her way too cute dialogue, for the most part, her story shit is on point. She knows what she is doing with structure, etc. Let me give you an example:

SPOILER ALERT

There's a moment in the film that felt false. It's when Theron's old high school boyfriend that she's trying to win over invites her to his newborn's naming ceremony. Because of some scenes before it, it felt like he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't invite her. And you're thinking, "oh well, that's a miss. I don't believe he would do that".

And then it turns out that he didn't invite her out of the goodness of his heart, and in fact, he didn't want to invite her at all. So then you go "oh shit, this movie is better than me. I thought I was smarter than it, and then it said fuck you, I know what I'm doing".

That's a little thing, but it's professional. It's smart. And it uses the audiences movie watching experience against itself.

That being said, there is a very big miss at the end of this movie.

The film feels autobiographical. I think that's fair to say, right? It's about a female writer, in her mid '30's, who writes stories about young adults. It's annoying to think that Diablo Cody believes that Charlize Theron is an accurate representation of her. Ha! But even more annoying, was this scene:

Charlize has left her life in the big city to come back to her home town to break up her old boyfriend's marriage. She's drank herself almost to death. She's left lives ruined in her wake. She's a fucking nightmare mess of a woman.

And then at the end she runs into a girl she went to high school with. A girl who used to worship her. Charlize tries to tell the girl that she's not what she thinks, and she's actually a terrible person.

The girls says (I'm paraphrasing here): No, you're not. You're a hero to us. You left town, you went to the big city. We're the idiots. We're living shitty lives in this shitty town, but you went out and were brave and tried to do great things. You're right about us, we suck. Everyone who lives in a small town in middle America is a dope. They're not "living"! They're pathetic and dumb. But not you, you're amazing, so keep doing what you're doing, cause you're better than us. Please take me with you!

That seems to be the message of the movie. Diablo Cody is a hero. It doesn't matter how big of an asshole she is (or rather, this character is), she's awesome for leaving that crap life behind and going for the greatness of the "big city".

Really?

It's great to have an asshole character and take chances, but then at the very end to completely excuse that behavior and make it seem like the nice people are the dumb jerks? You can do every bad thing you want as long as you leave where you grew up to chase your dreams of writing shitty books? Very odd.

If anyone else saw this movie, let me know if I'm completely off base in this interpretation. The rest of you, carry on with your new year's plans, you dumb small town loving idiots.

See You on January 2nd, 2012

2011-12-23T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna take a week off for the holidays and I'll be back on January 2nd. Why January 2nd? Because that's when the motherfucking Bachelor is back. I really hate myself, but the opportunity to make fun of Ben and his boring ass moles is too good to pass up.

It's been a great year on this blog because of you guys. Thank you all for reading and commenting and keeping me going, I really appreciate it. Even that crazy bitch from the Occupy movement who thinks we're all racists and part of the 1% was enjoyable for the first 15 comments. So thanks again.

See you in 2012 for the most dramatic end to civilization yet!

Sh*t This Guy Says

2011-12-21T10:26:00.000-08:00

The creator of the "Shit My Dad Says" twitter feed and the TV show wrote a post on Grantland the other day entitled "I Would Like to Help You Get Your Show Canceled".

He writes about his experiences doing that show and another one, both of which were canceled. While he mentioned a couple things I've written about in the past - the fact that great writers are often on terrible shows and terrible writers are often on bad shows - another part of it annoyed me.

I have nothing against this guy, he's probably really great, but it's pretty interesting that he got the opportunity to write for a show on CBS, and then when that was canceled he was immediately hired onto another sitcom. Why? Because of a twitter feed. Okay, understandable, but...

This is a twitter feed where he writes down what another person says!

These aren't even his jokes. He's a fucking secretary for his dad. And this gets him staffed on not one show but two? What are the networks thinking - why wouldn't they hire his dad? He's the talented one.

You Need to Accept Tom Cruise For Who He Is

2011-12-20T13:09:00.000-08:00

It was easy to see that Lebron James was going to be the next great player in the NBA. He's 6'8", 260 pounds, perfectly proportioned, with a 40 inch vertical and insane court vision. He is a freak. And it's the easiest thing in the world to see that he is a freak.

Tom Cruise is also a freak. But the problem is, Tom doesn't look like Lebron. He looks like a normal person. A normal, albeit, beautiful person. But he's not a normal person. He's an extreme, crazy person. So his freakishness, the fact that he's so different from you and I, is shocking. It's disturbing. But I thought he was like me! He's not like you! Or any of us! And that's not a bad thing.

I watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol over the weekend. I really enjoyed it. And I realized something: I always enjoy Tom Cruise in movies. I don't necessarily love all of his movies, but I always love Tom in them. He's fucking awesome.

For much of his career, a large percentage of the population also thought Tom Cruise was awesome. And then a little thing happened:

We found out about his personal life. His Scientology. His couch jumping. His laughing. The way he chooses his wife. His hatred of psychiatry. That time he yelled at Matt Lauer. His laughing. The fact that he isn't aging.

If it wasn't for all of that stuff, America would still be in love with Tom Cruise. And we should still be in love with him.

Tom isn't the kind of actor that you're supposed to identify with. He's not an every man. He's not Tom Hanks. He's not Paul "One Note" Giamatti.

He's the kinda guy who runs around on the tallest building in Abu Dabi. You don't do that, Tom does. So why should he have a normal life?

Just like we aren't 6'8" black men with a super human like abilities, we aren't Tom Cruise, so why should he be like us? I don't want Tom to be sitting around playing XBox and watching Friends, that's what I do!

He should be believing in aliens and arraigned marriage and silent births, he's Tom fucking Cruise! He's bigger than life. Not just in movies, in actual real life. That's pretty cool, in my book.

He's a movie star in the classic tradition. There was a time, it was right before Dustin Hoffman's ugly ass showed up, where movie stars were like this. They were better looking and more awesome than us. People went to movies for the very reason that these stars were different. And they knew that those guys were living completely different lives than them. That was almost the whole point.

And then a bunch of unattractive actors started getting cast as leads and then the whole thing became about the audience identifying with everyone on screen. They were representing us. And that's okay, I guess, but there's something to be said for the other way, Tom's way. For freaks. People who we can never hope to be like, or in some cases, even want to be like. Circus attractions. You're not Ethan Hunt, but maybe Tom could be, and that's why he's the perfect guy to play the role.

I can feel that you're not fully coming with me on this, so let me ask you something else: has Tom Cruise ever not brought it in a role? Has he ever been the worst part of a movie? Hell no. You've never read a review of a Tom Cruise movie that said "Tom seemed a little checked out". He's always checked in.

Tom attacks every role the same he'd attack Sigmund Freud with a baseball bat. He doesn't have any off days. You can't say the same for Brad Pitt or a lot of other pretty boys. This is what he does. Like Lebron, he was born a star. But unlike Lebron, he cares. He wants to be the best. At everything. And he is.

Great, But Can You Scrub Ashley From Our Brains?

2011-12-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

It sounds like we are finally getting the Bachelorette Everyone Wanted:

Emily Maynard is ready to find love again, and ABC believes she's the perfect choice to star on The Bachelorette: "Emily is America's sweetheart," adds the source. "Fans are going to be thrilled! Everyone loved her."

The Homeland Finale

2011-12-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

There was an interesting and slightly annoying article in the New York Times Magazine about the state of 1 hour dramas. The writer makes the argument that beginning with Lost, many serialized dramas are filled with twists and turns that ultimately lead to nothing and are pointless to watch.

I would agree with this article if it was just talking about The Killing. It's actually spot on if it were only about that show and had been written a few months ago. But instead, it's not just about The Killing, and includes other shows like Homeland. Comparing The Killing to Homeland is like comparing apples to home grown terrorists. They are not the same.

The Killing built it's entire series around "who killed Rosie Larsen"? It wasn't just that, but it was also "this is a show that takes one case and it examines it for a full season!" Well, when you do that, you gotta pay it off at the end of the season.

Homeland is different. There was no ad campaign "is Brody a terrorist?" or "will Brody do it?" And the fact is, we got that moment in Homeland. Brody strapped that vest on. There's no mystery left, a la The Killing. We know. We have answers.

Here's what she says the problem is:

Thus are we expected to while away a solid eight hours waiting to find out whether or not Brody is working for the terrorists. And once we discover the truth, what’s next? A whole different, far less compelling show begins, one about an ambivalent Marine turned terrorist who appears poised to sell out his family and his country for one little saucer-eyed boy. The provocative but empty premise of “Homeland” leads us into another jungle maze until we’re too exhausted to suspend our disbelief any longer.

I don't think she hates dramas, I think she hates STORIES. Yeah, that's right, lady, that's how stories work. All the shit is made up. Things change. The story changes. Things evolve.

If you don't like it, go watch House. That premise isn't "empty". It's full, you get the exact same story and premise every single episode and you never have to worry about Dr. House not figuring out what the disease is.

I worked on a show once where the big criticism of the pilot by the reviewers was "it's a really good show, but there's no way they're gonna be able to keep it up".

What?! You don't need to worry about the question of how we keep it up, that's my job. If you liked the pilot, that's what we were going for! And since we did something you liked, maybe you should give us the benefit of the doubt that we will be able to do it again.

I don't know what Homeland becomes after this season, but that's not my job. I'm just a viewer, and when I watch the show, I enjoy it. Yeah, that premise can't last for 10 seasons, and I'm fine with that. It shouldn't. But I'm invested in the characters, and I want to see where things go because I like where they've been.

All of that being said, I didn't love the finale of Homeland. I completely disagree with her criticism, but that doesn't mean the show is perfect. And I had issues for other reasons.

The first hour was amazing and great and what I wanted to see. The last half hour was a bit disappointing. In particular, the fate of Carrie. It felt tacked on and weird. That was never discussed before, was it? It was a fine ending, it just could've been set up better and not felt so out of left field.

Also, Brody's ending was a tad too neat. I wish his and Tom Walker's situation was a little more messy heading into next season. I want there to be shit lurking around Brody that can mess his world up.

Regardless, it was a great first season. I enjoyed the heck out of it, and I'm excited to see where things go in season 2. I think the writers have earned the respect to believe they can do 13 more excellent episodes. But that's just me and my wacky notion that stories are cool.

P.S. Fuck procedurals.

How Did This Happen?

2011-12-14T23:51:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, there was word of a "Three Stooges" movie. It was going to star Jim Carrey, Sean Penn, and Benicio Del Toro. In my head, it was going to be a biopic. I didn't think it could be anything else.

And it was to be directed by the Farrelly brothers.

As time passed, the big time actors dropped out and were replaced, and then their replacements were replaced. Now here we are, and instead of Jim Carrey, they got Wil Sasso. Instead of Sean Penn, Sean Hayes. And instead of Benicio Del Toro, Chris Diamontopoulos.

Digest that for a moment.

The Three Stooges movie somehow went from three A listers to the "star" of Mad TV, the second banana from "Will and Grace", and a guy I've never heard of in my life.

This doesn't make sense.

Something else had to be going on. You don't lose Sean Penn in a movie and replace him with Sean Hayes. Those two do not go out for the same roles. Sean Hayes wasn't the understudy on "Mystic River".

There had to be more to this story than we were getting. And then the trailer came out a few weeks ago. I demand that you watch it:

There was more to the story, indeed. And that more was the fucking script. Look at this thing. You think Sean Penn was going to be in that? Benicio Del Toro? Jim Carrey, maybe, but not those other two guys. It's a disaster. Snookie's in it, for Christ Sake!

How did this go so wrong? I don't have any answers. But as soon as Wil Sasso was tapped to be the lead in something, the people in suits should've shut shit down.

The trailer also goes to show that movies cannot be topical. Maybe the Jersey Shore thing would've worked a year or two ago, but now? You might as well have Alf and Spuds Mckenzie in that thing.

I don't know if it was ever supposed to be a biopic, maybe I projected that, but that would've been a way better idea. The simple fact is that The Three Stooges don't work the same way they used to. And you know who else doesn't work like they used to?

The Farrelly Brothers.

They had 3 movies in them, that's it. On the bright side, that's two more than the Wachowski brothers had. People think nothing happened on Y2K, but one thing did happen: these dudes stopped being funny.

Maybe it was The Farrelly brothers decline in stature that is responsible for this? Were big name people eager to work with them years ago, and now the best they can do is Just Jack? Maybe.

In a way, it's a good match - two outdated comedy brands trying to make a movie in 2011. I'm not sure why anyone would pay to watch some D level guys fake poke each other in the eye when you can watch regular people hurt each other for free on the internet. But hey, maybe there's tons of Sasso fans out there that I don't know about.

A Brilliant Idea I Will Do Nothing About

2011-12-12T23:27:00.000-08:00

Jeez, I go out of town for two seconds and all hell breaks loose. I thought I could count on you guys, what happened? I told you, while I'm gone no house parties and no race baiting! Come on, you're better than that. Though I must say, that John Rambo guy made some good points.

I don't like to brag about this, but I'm now rocking 2 Kindles. To think, there are idiots out there with only one. Ha!

I bit the bullet and bought the Kindle Fire. It's not that good. However, I needed it in order to watch movies on the tortuous 5 hour flight. And yet, I still needed my old, first generation Kindle for reading in the bright Hawaiian sunshine. Thus, I'm the guy with 2 Kindles in the airport security bin. Do they each need their own bin? I still don't know and was embarrassed to ask. I'm pretty sure I'm the reason the terrorists hate us.

It was well worth it though because I read the shit out of a book all weekend. I'm not even sure where I heard about this book, and I'm shocked it hasn't been more heavily hyped. It's an "oral history", where the whole thing is just a million different interviews with people and the story is told through their recollections. The Saturday Night Live book was done this way, and this book is the story of MTV.

It's called "I Want My MTV: The Uncensored Story of the Music Video Revolution".

Obviously, it's about the creation and rise of MTV, and I loved it. Yet, it seems like no one is talking about it. It's as if the book about ESPN, which is done in the same interview style, completely overshadowed it. And the ESPN book is not nearly as good as this.

They talked to everybody. I mean, everybody. Anything you remember seeing on MTV that was noteworthy at all, is discussed. And I happen to be of the age where MTV rose up as I was growing up, so it was of particular interest to me. However, so did ESPN, and that one didn't do it for me. I guess sports highlights aren't as fun to read about as Tommy Lee's giant dick.

There's a tiny section about Prince that you could make a whole book about. He was in a meeting with a video director and some music execs getting pitched a video idea for Sheila E. He doesn't say a word the entire meeting. At the very end, he whispers "she should have drumsticks on her pants". Then he gets up and walks out. Everyone is left to scramble to figure out what the fuck he meant. Boy, I can relate to that.

It's very hard to describe the behavior of stars, but this book nails exactly how crazy and illogical and irrational they can be, and how different their world is.

Anyway, I recommend it for this holiday giving season.

But let's get to my brilliant idea that I will do nothing about.

So I'm reading this book, and they keep talking about music videos and little details that occur them. And it's killing me, because I HAVE to go watch that video and see what they're talking about. But I'm not near a computer and it's a pain in the ass and then I keep reading and they start talking about another video and the same thing happens all over again.

But this is a Kindle! It has video playing capability! As does the Ipad. Yeah, I could look up stuff every time, but it occurred to me: books don't need to be just books anymore. They're being read on God Damn computers. They should have links on them. There should be video. You should be able to tap a word and go watch whatever they are talking about. You know, like how the internet works.

This MTV book would've been made a thousand times better if it was like this. "No, I don't remember the scene in Poison's "Talk Dirty to Me" where C.C. DeVille falls off the riser, let me touch this sentence so I can refresh my memory". How awesome would that be? C.C. deserves to be revisited!

You're probably saying, "but it only works for this book". You are so small minded. Are you kidding? This works with tons of books. Like, for example, the ESPN book. They talk about the first broadcast ever, that happens to be on youtube. I'll watch that. Or Craig Kilborn's catchphrases, I'll watch that too.

Or how about The Da Vinci Code? You know how many links to Wikipedia would be on that shit?

What else? Malcolm X biography? Boom, links to his speeches. Any history book would be transformed with this. Any sports book. I'm changing the world here! I went to Hawaii and blew all of your minds. You thought it was a vacation? I just made a billion dollars.

Thank God I'm too lazy to do anything about this. Good luck, people with a work ethic and ambition.

Aloha Means Goodbye

2011-12-06T23:39:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, my parents took us on a vacation to Hawaii. I remember swimming in the pool, luxuriating, and thinking: "One day. One day I will be able to afford this vacation for myself".

Well, today is that day. It only took 35 years.

It's been a long year, and I am very excited to be able to get away and chill the fuck out for a second. I need to regroup because the thought of 30 more episodes next year is difficult to wrap my head around right now. So maybe this will help...or maybe it will make me not come back, which would be even better.

It took a long time for me to pull the trigger on this trip. While stuck in my sad office, I decided I needed to ignore my fear of flying and plan a get away when we had time off. When I settled on Hawaii and started looking, I began having dreams of being in a plane and crashing into the ocean.

I swear to God. I'd fly and everything would be fine, and then a giant wave would come and we'd go right down into it. I have issues.

It sounds crazy but it really freaked me out, so I put a halt to the planning. I seriously wasn't going to go because of dreams! Considering the fact that I recently had a dream about a naked midget who had Jared Leto's face and an erection that went above his head, maybe my subconscious isn't the best thing to take tips from.

But then I was stuck in some insane traffic coming home late one night from work and decided to go ahead with it anyway. I'd rather fly into a wave then get stuck on the God Damn La Cienega/405 the rest of my life. So here I am.

I wanted to write this down here so when my plane goes down, I can at least be remembered as some kind of pussy Nostradamus.

All I ask is that when you watch the Bachelor, you think of me. Except for the upcoming Ben F. season, please don't associate me with that.

Occupy Handleman

2011-12-06T22:51:00.000-08:00

Got a couple of interesting responses to my post on the Occupy movement.

Hulga said...

I definitely am down with the Occupy movement after watching our economic system get further and further out of sync with democracy. I don't want to wait for it to get so bad that the middle class is gone forever and the poor are even more desperate.

The level of corruption on Wall Street isn't clear (for good reasons) and so the changes that need to be made are murky and it's hard to point fingers at specific people and institutions. However, it is easier to point fingers at the protesters for being dirty, homeless, young or whatever. The mainstream, corporate owned media has definitely supported this position.

If you want to learn more about some of the demands of Occupy, here is a good place to start. http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2011/nov/25/shocking-truth-about-crackdown-occupy

Also remember that Occupy just started in late September. It's going to take time to establish a specific agenda and leadership. Anyone who agrees with the basic philosophy that the corruption driving politics and banking has to end, needs to help create the necessary changes rather than passively sit back and criticize Occupy. Our collective future depends on it!

And:

Anonymous said...

"Let the smart people talk" is exactly how we got in this global financial mess. The poor, the marginalized, the uneducated, the homeless... they have no voice. Nobody gives a shit about them.

Including you. I guess if people want social and economic justice they should get a job and go buy it, right?

I guess the point I was trying to make was that if you continue to allow "the uneducated, the homeless" to talk on television, you are going to lose a lot of support from the masses. They are not good representatives to communicate the message, and thus, they are bad for the message.

As I wrote previously, I was watching a live broadcast from Occupy LA with a reporter randomly asking people questions. And it made me hate them. If you're really for the cause, I would think that you would recognize that that's not a good thing.

I also don't think it's helpful to be super defensive about it. I believe in a lot of what you are saying, but I also know that there are tons of idiots out there. I think it's fair to point that out.

The Netflix Albatross

2011-12-04T22:51:00.000-08:00

We all have at least one.

The movie on Netflix that has been in your queue, or even worse, at your house for months if not years. You tell yourself you want to watch it, yet when it comes down to it, you opt for something on the Hub or SoapNet or grossest of all, you decide to have interactions with your significant other.

For a long time now, my biggest Netflix albatross has been Zodiac, starring Robert Downey Jr., Jake Gyllenhaal, Mark Ruffalo, and directed by David Fincher.

I really wanted to see Zodiac. I mean, seriously I did. I grew up where the movie takes place. I like Fincher. I've heard it's great. And yet, it has been at my house since April. I just couldn't pull the trigger and I don't know why.

Wait, I do know why. It's the running time listed on the sleeve: 2hrs 40 minutes.

3 hours?! Of Jake Gyllenhaal? Eh, I think I'd rather settle in for 6 episodes of The Wonder Years I've already seen.

I don't know why that is, but it is. Which is why I'm always skeptical when people talk about how TV is going to change. Things won't just be randomly on. You'll be able to go on the internet and just pick what you want to watch when you want to watch it. Well, I clearly do not like doing that. I love the surprise of the Guide. It's like a box of fucking chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

I don't want to be premeditated in my viewing. I have 23 episodes of Jeopardy on my DVR. I guarantee you I will not press play on any of them. But if it's 7:03pm and I hit the Guide and Jeopardy is there, you're damn right I'm getting in on round 1.

Back to Zodiac.

My sickness is what it took to finally crack the code. I was lying around feeling sorry for myself and stuffed up and realized: I have the time to watch this movie, and better yet, I can then mail it back and get something else that can sit here unwatched for 7 months.

And you know what?

Zodiac is great.

I really enjoyed it. It's really 2 movies. The first part is about the Zodiac killer's murders and the investigation, and the second part is Jake Gyllenhaal's obsession with the case and his efforts to figure it out. This turned out to be perfect because while I was watching I decided to give myself an intermission. I stopped at the hour and a half mark to make some popcorn and watch some football. Then I watched the rest.

And that scream you just heard was Fincher cutting his dick off. "That's not the way it was meant to be seen!"

The challenge of making this film was enormous. A 3 hour movie about an unsolved case in the '70's? And yet, they pulled it off. I was never bored. I was looking stuff up on the internet, I wanted to know more, and the acting and everything was top notch. Although I'm still confused as to whether Ruffalo is actually a good actor or we're still nostalgic about his performance in You Can Count on Me. There's a chance he actually sucks.

Anyway, I recommend it. In fact, I was starting to think "hey, maybe I'm a huge Fincher fan and never realized it 'till now. I love Se7en, The Game, The Social Network, This..." Holy shit, I'm Fincher's bitch!

Then I remembered Panic Room and Fight Club and calmed down. But still, the guy knows what he's doing.

So now that I've knocked Zodiac out, it's time to look at some of the other stalwarts in my queue. Bad Santa holds the record at 6 years. 6 years! It's been in my queue longer than my nephew has been alive. Some others:

Finding Neverland
The Great Buck Howard
Surrogates
Prizzi's Honor

At this pace, those probably aren't going to get watched. But I have a feeling Surrogates might not live up to the hype, so fuck it.

Not Sure I'm Down With This Whole Occupy Thing

2011-11-30T23:18:00.000-08:00

My regular viewing of back to back episodes of "Friends" was rudely interrupted last night by the local news. Apparently, the LAPD was set to invade the Occupy LA encampment and start arresting people and spraying them with poison.

And there's nothing the local news loves more than the possibility of a live voluntary manslaughter.

I ended up watching the coverage for over an hour, mostly because nothing was happening. I love when the poor reporter has to just keep rambling when nothing is happening.

They always try to over hype every little event. This is mostly seen during high and/or slow speed chases. That's 4 hours of driving and 2 seconds of action. But for those 4 hours they'll be like "his hands are not at the 10 and 2 positions!". "He is really tailgating right now, you really should be 10 feet for every increment of 10mph you are going!"

So this live reporter was walking among the protesters trying to make it seem exciting even though the cops were nowhere in sight. At one point, there was yelling and running and a mob formed, and it was because a CNN truck was parking and there was a homeless guy sleeping in the spot.

That's what I'm missing Friends for! And it was gonne be "The One Where Courtney Cox Sucks at Acting Like She's Crying!"

But it was pretty interesting because all the guy was left to do was walk among them and ask questions. He would just randomly stick a microphone in people's faces and ask "why are you here?"

Not a single one could form a coherent sentence in reply. Not one. And I watched and I waited, and it did not happen.

I thought it was fairly revealing since it wasn't some edited together package to make people look bad. This was completely spontaneous and random, and not cut together with an agenda. And I have to say, the reporter wasn't even going up to the people who looked like cousins of the Unabomber.

I don't want to go all Newt on these people but it's not shocking they don't do well in job interviews. Clearly, a lot of these folks were out there just cause they didn't have much else to do.

I don't doubt there are well intentioned people doing well intentioned things, but unfortunately when you get a big group together in a camping environment, things are gonna start getting tea party level stupid.

Perhaps it's time to move things from the "living on the streets" phase to the "let the smart people" talk phase.

I admire anyone who is willing to go out and express their first amendment rights. Unfortunately, I have an aversion to living outdoors, not bathing and other people. But I'm happy someone is out there doing it.

And they've done well in terms of changing the conversation, etc., but man, it might be time to go home.

Everything That is Awesome/Awful About the Internet

2011-11-30T23:14:00.000-08:00

In one website.

I Haven't Puked Since 1987

2011-11-28T18:50:00.000-08:00

And I don't plan to. But as is Thanksgiving tradition, after hanging out with my young nephews over the holiday I've been knocked on my ass by a bug of some sort.

They were sick on Thanksgiving, one of them was throwing up constantly, and now they've stuck me with it. What is it with these kids and carrying around illnesses? Their parents become immune and then perfectly innocent uncles get victimized. Not cool.

The government would like us to believe that AIDS was spread by a gay flight attendant. Not true. It was some kids who had a play date with a bunch of monkeys, and then the monkeys fucked them.

The bummer is that I finally have some time off and have to spend it laying in bed and being miserable. Although in fairness, that was pretty much what I had planned regardless of health.

I don't recall the circumstances of my last puke. I don't know what I ate or what the problem was, but I remember sitting up in my bed in the middle of the night and vomit launching out of my nose and mouth simultaneously. Come to think of it, a pasta dinner may have been involved cause I've had an aversion to fusilli ever since.

It was horrifying. I made a vow at that moment that I would never puke again. That still stands today, and is the reason I'm known as the Cal Ripken of ralphing.

But I am hurting right now. I just hope I can keep the promise I made to myself so long ago. You know what they say, you sit out one day with a barf and the next thing you know you get Wally Puked, er, Pipped.

Finally, A Republican Who Makes Sense

2011-11-25T11:01:00.000-08:00

Very good weekend reading here.

Who is Marshall Brickman?

2011-11-22T13:37:00.000-08:00

A documentary about Woody Allen premiered a few days ago on PBS and it is really good. You can watch it online here.

Surprisingly, Woody cooperated with the movie and is interviewed throughout. Because of this, there isn't much about the whole "fucking his daughter" thing. The focus is on the movies and his process, and if you like his work, that's what you want to hear about.

It also does a nice job of glossing over all of the garbage that came between Deconstructing Harry (which I think is highly underrated) and Match Point (which is overrated).

But one thing that the movie didn't do that I would've liked is talk about Marshall Brickman. He was a co-writer on Sleepers, Annie Hall, and Manhattan. He's interviewed in the documentary, but it's just to fawn over Woody's greatness. There's nothing in there about their collaboration, how it came about, and his contribution to those films.

Annie Hall and Manhattan happen to be Woody's most critically acclaimed and successful movies. Seems like a pretty big coincidence that this other guy helped write those two and hardly any of the rest. Isn't it natural to suppose that something about Brickman's contribution helped make that happen?

I have no doubt Woody is a genius. And making a movie every year is insane. But perhaps collaboration, or lack thereof, is the reason so many of his movies have been, well, crappy.

Just look at Midnight in Paris, which despite the fact that it somehow did well at the box office, is an incredibly lazy movie. It had potential, but every scene took the least interesting/enjoyable route possible. It just feels like these movies are spit out of his typewriter in one shot and then go directly in front of the cameras. And after watching the documentary, that seems to be exactly what happens. Unfortunately, making good movies are a lot harder to do than that.

It's the George Lucas syndrome. The Star Wars prequels sucked because George wrote them by himself and no one had the balls to tell him Jar Jar Binks was a bad idea. In the same way, there was no one to add jokes and story and goodness to Cassandra's Dream, Scoop, Hollywood Ending, Small Time Crooks, Whatever Works, Celebrity...

Marshall Brickman was the key! Well, maybe not the key, but at least he was an opposing voice to say "hey, before we go shoot this first draft, how about we read it over again and punch it up?"

It's too easy when you're working by yourself to go down some bad roads. It helps to have someone there to challenge you and keep you on the genius track. Woody has missed that.

Anyway, I just thought this would be explored a little more since the rest of the movie features Woody as a one man dynamo. And it's so clear that the few times he wasn't, the best art was produced. But that's a minor quibble, cause the rest of the documentary is pretty darn enjoyable.

The Possible Expansion of Team Handleman

2011-11-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

Recently, my agent left the agenting business to do something totally different: become a manager. What's the difference between an agent and a manager? Well, nothing.

Okay, not completely nothing. A manager is supposed to be more involved in your career, he/she will read your stuff, give you notes, and guide you more than an agent does. An agent makes your deals, a manager is more of a partner in crime. Also, a manager can "produce" things. So if I sell a show, my manager can attach himself as a producer. An agent isn't allowed to do that.

None of this really matters, but basically now I have a manager and no agent. The guy is still doing the same shit as before though, so it doesn't really make a difference to me. Hopefully, the new company he is at has better resources and a better profile than his previous spot, although that probably doesn't matter that much.

After this happened, some agents have come out of the woodwork wanting to represent me. It appears the ratings of the show I'm on have earned it some respect in the industry, and now they think they will be able to make money off me because of it.

I know I've said this many times, but I find this to be very strange. I'm doing the same shit I've always done, but I lucked out and got on a show that people like and now people magically think I know what I'm doing.

What bothers me is that none of these business people - agents, studio executives - seem to know what is going on at shows.

There are morons on hit shows, and there are geniuses at awful ones. And yet no one who can do anything about it knows the difference. Thus, a moron who writes on Parks and Rec will get whatever job they want, and a genius on Mike and Molly will be shunned for the next 2 years. It's a flawed system.

But whatever, I'm benefiting right now so I need to take advantage of it. The question is: do I really need more of Team Handleman? Do I want to give up another 20% of my meager earnings?

I don't know.

On the one hand, I don't want to limit myself. I want as many people finding me work as humanly possible.

On the other, that's probably a myth. The fact is, agents haven't really ever gotten me anything. Almost every job I've ever got was through friends or connections. And with all of the sad stories of Team Handleman's ineptness in the past, do I really need more idiots involved in my life?

Which brings us to another problem, my bitterness. Some of these same people wanting to talk to me have rejected me in the past! They didn't want me when I was writing low rated Mexican jokes. And now here they are. Where were you when I needed you, motherfuckers?!

But there's also another part of me that still thinks like I did 10 years ago: that agents can actually help. It's a crazy notion, and I cling to it when things get bleak.

Alas, I can't complain. This is a good problem to have, I'm just not sure what to do and I don't want to blow it. With any luck, the next show I write for will be awful and I can be left alone and die penniless.

Where's Steve Buscemi?

2011-11-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

I'm a big boxing fan, so I ordered the Pacquao/Marquez ppv fight last weekend. However, there was a problem. Steve Buscemi was sitting ringside and he was all I could look at.

It was impossible to concentrate on the fight because the sight of Buscemi's face glaring at me was so disturbing. We all know that Buscemi is a different looking guy for someone who gets leading roles. But actually, Buscemi is a different look guy, period. In a crowd of faces, his pale whiteness shines through.

During the fight I tweeted "you may be able to pick out steve buscemi at the pacquiao fight because he's the whitest, most awful looking man in the world"

But I was pissed because I figured no one else was watching to fully appreciate it. A replay is on right now so I took a picture of it. See if you can spot Buscemi...

I promise you that is not photo shopped.

The Bizarro Joe Paterno

2011-11-16T12:37:00.001-08:00

I've hated Joe Paterno for the last 10 years. I hated Bobby Bowden too. I hate any coach who can't retire and holds on just to set meaningless records and preserve their "legacy".

An 80 year old man cannot possibly be in charge of 100 college athletes. Heck, a 50 year old man can barely do it. That's an unmanageable amount of personalities, and it's actually 3 times that amount when you count their parents, who are even worse.

My hatred for Paterno really picked up steam when he began "coaching" from up in the press box. Then I found out he didn't even go into the locker room at halftime to talk to the team. Sorry, but you're not the coach. You're an old figurehead that the team feels sorry for.

Maybe it's because I would retire tomorrow if I could that I have such a thing about old people not quitting, but obviously it came back to bite Paterno on the ass. Perhaps the same motivation that drove him to hang onto that job is the same one that ended up being his undoing. But it turns out, the best thing he could've done was leave 10 years ago. You can only screw things up by hanging around and being alive, just look at 2pac compared to Snoop. 2pac is one of the greats of Hip Hop, Snoop has a sitcom in development with NBC.

Well, there's another 80 year old who doesn't want to give it up. But in this case, he is being forced out without a scandal necessitating it. His name is Regis Philbin.

Regis is leaving this week. I know this because I've been watching Regis and Kelly ever since Soap Net had the nerve to switch Beverly Hills 90210 from its 8am & 9am time slot. Assholes.

Has anyone been watching Regis and Kelly lately? It's pretty fascinating and I'm surprised it isn't being discussed more. The reason:

Regis doesn't want to leave. And even more interesting, it seems like Kelly can't wait to get rid of his excitable ass.

There's a weird tension every morning. Regis talks about what he's going to do next, and Kelly gently tells him he'll be fine. Normally, the person in Regis' situation would be talking about spending more time with his family or relaxing, but no, he clearly wants to keep working.

Unlike Paterno or Bowden or most 80 year olds who don't know when to let go, I'm actually rooting for Regis. He's not hanging out in the press box picking up bullshit wins while doing nothing. He's still got it.

And I don't like Kelly. She was a natural at this morning talk show thing, or at least she used to be. But I think that the every day grind has ruined her. She's faking it now. Her energy is fake. Her stories are fake. She's run dry, and now she's acting. And if any of you watched All My Children in the early '90's, you know that acting is not her strong suit. It's just too hard to come in every morning for an hour and talk about the wacky stories from your life. No one has that many wacky stories.

But Regis does!

Have you met any 80 year olds lately? They shouldn't be driving, much less be on TV. But Regis is an exception. If he was really done, he'd be too tired to fight it. But ever since it was announced that they were getting rid of him, he's made it uncomfortable for Kelly and the fat, 40 year old female audience every day and I like it.

Maybe it is time for him to leave. You don't want to go out too late. But Regis is still throwing fast balls and he's meant to do that show. He's great at it. I just hope that 90210 goes back to its old time slot so I can go back to not caring.

The Kindle Fire

2011-11-15T21:26:00.000-08:00

I'm a Kindle man. Always have been. This is something that I am occasionally mocked for. I guess it's cooler to have an Ipad. But there's one thing the Kindle can do that the Ipad can not:

You can fricking use it when you go outside!

I live in southern California. That means the weather is nice all of the time, which means that's where I like to read. I have multiple decks!

When you switch over to the E-Reader world, you do not do it halfway. You go all in. Thus, how in the hell could I ever switch to the Ipad if I like to read outside? It can't happen. If I were to switch, all reading would have to end. Well, not on my watch.

Now there is a new Kindle out. The Kindle Fire. In fact, it came out today. But this Kindle is "better" than the other Kindles. It's in color. It has a screen like the Ipad.

This is a problem.

Can you read it outside?

That's the only question I have. I don't give a shit about the dual core technology, or all the movies and TV shows, or God Damn apps, none of it! I only need one thing: to be able to read outside.

So you'd think that someone might tell me the answer to that question. But no. I've read every review, every blog, and no one has mentioned it. No one.

It's the one and only valuable commodity the Kindle has over the Ipad. No matter what the Ipad can do, it couldn't match the Kindle's ability outside. And yet, this is ignored.

I think some of these geeks get too caught up on a bunch of garbage no one uses. Stick to the basics, people. The Kindle will never be the Ipad. But it can be enjoyed on my deck, and that's the important thing. Or at least it used to be.

This Is a Republican Front Runner

2011-11-14T16:21:00.000-08:00

How are we supposed to take these people seriously? I'd feel better about all of his attempted blow job rapes if he at least knew his shit.

161 Pounds

2011-11-12T10:07:00.000-08:00

Diet update. I've lost 14 pounds (started at 175). And you know what? Other than the lack of pooping and Pepsi it hasn't been that hard. I really don't see that big a difference between now and my old, fat self. I look the same, though my belly has shrunk a bit.

Here's the list of things I didn't eat that I normally would have over the last month:

Spaghetti, rice, garlic bread, potatoes, soda, lemonade, cookies, ice cream, triscuits, wheat thins, grilled cheese, blts, muffins, donuts, and ribs.

I want to thank whoever recommended probiotics, that may have pushed me over the top. However, we can't be sure, because there were some extenuating circumstances this week.

I was engaged in some nerve wracking negotiations and also had several meetings, and you know that always helps my flow. Plus, I basically did not eat on Wednesday or Thursday because I was so worked up. So maybe it was a combination of those things and the yogurt.

I'm pretty much at my goal weight, and you know that means: time to do as all dieters do and balloon back up to fatter than I was before. Thanks for you help and concern.

Steve Jobs Was a Jerk

2011-11-08T22:45:00.000-08:00

In the hype leading up to the release of the Steve Jobs book it was always stressed that it would be a no holds barred account of his life. Jobs wife reportedly told the author Walter Isaacson not to whitewash anything.

And there was this exchange between Isaacson and Steve Kroft on 60 Minutes:

Steve Kroft: I think it’s a tough book.

Isaacson: It’s a book that’s fair. I mean, this is a real human being.

Kroft: He had lots of flaws.

Isaacson: He was very petulant. He was very brittle. He could be very, very mean to people at times. Whether it was to a waitress in a restaurant, or to a guy who had stayed up all night coding, he could just really just go at them and say, “You’re doin’ this all wrong. It’s horrible.” And you’d say, “Why did you do that? Why weren’t you nicer?” And he’d say, “I really wanna be with people who demand perfection. And this is who I am.”

Coming into the book, I didn't really have an opinion on Steve Jobs. I had an Apple IIc growing up, and then, like most people, I was out of the Apple universe until I came back for the Ipod, and then a Mac computer, and then the Iphone.

I was expecting to learn about a difficult genius who revolutionized computing. Instead, I learned about the world's biggest asshole.

Steve Jobs wasn't just a petulant man with a lot of flaws. He was a monster.

There wasn't a page of this book where I didn't hate Steve Jobs more than I did on the page before it. It's incredible that anyone accepted this behavior or he's revered the way he is. But I guess that's how awesome the Iphone is.

I haven't seen this interpretation before, but I honestly haven't read a book about someone I despised this much. Usually you root for the guy you're following, good or bad. But not here. He's constantly doing things that are unforgivable: impregnating a girl, claiming the kid isn't his, calling her a slut, sabotaging his own company, telling people their work is shit, freezing out his "friends", stabbing people in the back, stabbing people in the front, stabbing people just cause he can. There is nothing redeeming about this dude. Nothing.

Oh yeah, there is one thing: he made boatloads of money making gadgets.

I guess when all is said and done, that's all that matters and all people will remember.

But I always think of the people who actually had to put up with this shit on a day to day basis. The fact is that if any of us, even the most Apple adoring assholes, had to have Steve Jobs as our boss, we'd want to murder him. And I don't think that can be forgiven just because the Hanging With Friends App is so fun.

I guess his accomplishments made him great, but even some of those are a bit questionable.

I knew that Jobs started Apple and then was pushed out in the '80's. And from what little I knew this seemed like madness. Jobs was the genius! They screwed everything up! But now that I read the book I know that it was all his fault. He's the one who screwed everything up.

And then he didn't even learn from those mistakes, and repeated them again with his next venture, NeXT. He was a maniac to work with, and it wasn't even working.

The only parts of the book I liked are when Jobs and Bill Gates get together, because Bill Gates was the only guy who could look him in the eye and tell him he was a dick. I read the Paul Allen book and didn't like Gates that much. But after reading this one, he's my new hero.

Which brings me to another misconception: Jobs would frequently say this about Bill Gates:

“Bill is basically unimaginative, and has never invented anything, which I think is why he’s more comfortable now in philanthropy than technology. He just shamelessly ripped off other people’s ideas.”

That is the Pot calling the kettle a turtleneck wearing wannabe hippie. He did the same thing. Steve Jobs never invented anything.

The genius behind Apple in the beginning was Steve Wozniak. His invention of the Apple I and the Apple II is what carried that company for a decade. Jobs big thing was the original Macintosh, which he stole from the same place Gates stole from, Xerox.

The genius behind Pixar was John Lasseter. Jobs deserves credit for investing his money in it, but he wasn't the reason it became successful. Far from it.

His whole career was letting other people come up with things, and then trying to put his spin on it. For 2/3's of his career, he couldn't even get that right.

He wasn't a perfectionist, he was a man without an original idea.

He was pretty much a failure until 10 years ago. That's a testament to his drive and wealth. He kept getting chances at the plate, and he finally knocked one out of the park. Because of that, he will always be remembered as an innovator and a genius. But to me, he'll always be a jerk.

Eddie Murphy Will Never Be Funny Again

2011-11-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

There's been a lot of Eddie Murphy talk lately because of his new movie "Tower Heist". Uncharacteristically, Eddie's been making the rounds of all the talk shows promoting it, and there's been a bit of an Eddie revival going on. People think the old Eddie might be coming back.

Well, he isn't. Old Eddie died in 1992.

There is no bigger Eddie Murphy fan than me. He's probably the biggest reason I ended up in comedy, him and the fact that I'm willing to talk about my poop schedule with a bunch of blog reading strangers.

I used to do Mr. Robinson sketches of my own in my living room. I was 8 years old. "Can you use ransom in a sentence, boys and girls? I ran-some ladies dog out of her yard and now I got him".

I owned the "Delirious" VHS and cassettes, two forms of media people I work with have never heard of.

And then, of course, there were the classic movies he churned out: "48 Hours", "Trading Places", "Beverly Hills Cop", Beverly Hills Cop 2", "Coming to America", and "Boomerang". Sometimes people forget about "Boomerang", but it is one of my favorites. It's also the end of Eddie Murphy as I choose to remember him (although "Distinguished Gentleman" has its moments).

The real end of Eddie Murphy came with "Beverly Hills Cop 3". It's really the perfect movie to demonstrate the difference between the old Eddie and the new, deceased Eddie. It's the same formula we've loved in the past, but instead the guy playing Axel Foley is no longer funny.

And after that? Well, "Vampire in Brooklyn", and it was looking like Eddie was going to fade away and he'd have to reinvent himself somehow. But instead, he went back to the well of wearing makeup and playing different characters in "Nutty Professor".

The movie made a lot of money, but only because it's impossible for a mass audience to resist a film featuring a black comedian in drag. Regardless, Eddie was back. But not really.

I remember seeing that in the theater and feeling very uncomfortable. I did not laugh once. It was sad. There was something different about this guy. He wasn't Eddie Murphy, but he was trying like hell to be. Over trying, really. He was like the Busta Rhymes version of Eddie, just a lot of yelling and histrionics.

That's been the guy we've seen in crappy movies ever since.

For the last 15 years, he has mostly done stuff for kids. And his fans have held out hope that some day the old Eddie would come back. This notion has reached a fever pitch lately as he has said that he wants to do more R rated comedies, and possibly get back into standup.

It doesn't matter. It won't work. You can't just get it back when you're 50 years old and have more money than you'll ever need. When you lose it, you lose it. Especially when you're no longer hungry. The edge is gone.

If people want to see classic Eddie Murphy, they should rent one of his old movies, cause that's as close as they're gonna get.

This idea of great comedians losing it fascinates me for some reason. They are almost like boxers. There's a certain point where age and success catches up to them and they can't be great anymore.

Billy Crystal is a shot fighter. Bill Cosby got punched in the face too many times. Chevy Chase is about as coherent as Muhammad Ali.

But Eddie's a little different than these guys, because he's not just funny. He's got talent coming out of his ears. So he can do stuff like "Dreamgirls".

He can still be an actor, and entertaining, he just can't be funny like the old Eddie was. And I don't know if it's racist, but he used to be handsome, and now he has morphed into donkey from Shrek. So there's also that.

I've Plateaued

2011-11-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

We are coming up on a month of the great diet experiment of 2011. Things haven't changed much since I last reported. I'm pretty sure there's only one thing to blame for this:

Pooping.

I can't poop! What happened? This has been a struggle since I made the change and I can't figure it out. I'm eating a high fiber breakfast, drinking more water than I've ever drank in my life, exercising regularly, eating tons of fruits and vegetables, I'm leguming it up, people!

I can't figure it out. I'm seemingly doing everything you need to do in order to poop constantly, and yet...nothing.

The only great poop day I've had is when I had a big meeting and I woke up and absolutely shit my brains out. It was a rare double header - one at home, one at the studio. That's how much was backed up, and it took being a pussy about talking to people to make it run for the exits.

It's possible that my body got so used to not having fiber or water that it's chemistry has changed. Isn't that what happens to heroin addicts? Pepsi and white bread were my smack and I can't go back.

It's a working theory.

I'm giving this 2 more weeks.

Joke Stealing UPDATE

2011-11-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago I wrote a post about joke stealing. I said that yes, joke stealing goes on, but it's pointless to call people out on it because it's very difficult to tell where joke stealing ends and similar ideas begin. It's better to just do great jokes and let the rest take care of itself.

Recently, a show has come on MTV that is quite similar to the show I work on. A lot of people ask me about it. It's silly to claim that it is copying us or anyone else, because our show is similar to a lot of shows that came before us. Including stuff I've worked on in the past. What I'm saying is, none of this is original shit. A dude standing on a green screen showing clips has been around since the invention of green screens.

What I find interesting though is not that the show on MTV is similar to ours, but that they don't seem to care.

Every show I've ever worked on has been extremely vigilant about not wanting to do jokes that other shows have already done. It's bad form to tell the same joke Letterman did 4 days ago. Comedians have more leeway on stage because they aren't being filmed, so it's harder to bust them. But when you're making a TV show, the evidence is on tape (or hard drives or whatever they use now). And the last thing you want is someone watching to go, "Kimmel already did this".

So it's pretty surprising to me to see a TV show that simply doesn't mind doing things that have already been done. Granted, internet videos are a tough thing. Everyone uses them. The same ones go around and many get played everywhere. It happens and it's no big deal.

But you know you're gonna get compared to us. Especially assholes on Twitter, they live for this kind of stuff. So wouldn't you want to avoid it? We certainly do.

So for those wondering, I don't care about that show. I am very happy that people can watch both and decide for themselves. We don't want to do anything they've done, I just find it amazing that they don't feel the same way.

I Don't Want Tim Tebow to Suck, He Just Does

2011-10-31T23:45:00.000-07:00

Reporters and football experts on TV keep asking why Tim Tebow haters WANT him to fail. I don't WANT him to fail, I KNOW he will. See the difference?

Even today, after he was horrendous yet again, they all do some variation of "Why do so many people want Tim Tebow to fail?"

Want? I don't want. I'd love for him to be a great player, but he isn't. And since he isn't, there's no reason for him to be playing. But since he is playing and he isn't any good, I know that he is going to fail.

Stop demonizing people for being correct about a player's ability. There's no evil intent, there is only what is quite obvious on the field.

He's a running quarterback who isn't good at running. That's not a solid combination. Stop saying he's "super athletic". He's a slow white guy. The only thing slower than his running speed is his throwing motion.

To plagiarize from my tweet yesterday: Tim Tebow is just like God, on Sunday he doesn't do shit.

I don't want that to be true, it just is.

Comments You Missed

2011-10-31T21:51:00.000-07:00

For whatever reason, random people stumble on old posts on this blog and occasionally make comments. Usually those comments are angry at me about something I've written, and you don't get to enjoy them because the posts are from so long ago.

Well, I'm here to keep you updated. My favorite angry comments come from my favorite subject to blog about: bangs. Apparently, some women (and men) get very offended by my assertion that bangs are awful and they feel the need to tell me about it. And then, because I cannot help myself, I occasionally feel the need to respond.

Here are some comments you missed:

Anonymous said...

Zooey fucking Deschanel. You want to tell me she's not hot? I'm a guy and my girl doesn't have bangs, but I want her to get some. You can't judge so harshly on people. Some girls can handle them. How about you show a picture of your body flab and small penis. See if the girls like it

Anonymous said...

My Boyfriend is begging me to get bangs. Mad props to the guy talkin about your small dick. I'd do Zoey Deschanel in a heart beat, bangs and all. Good luck with finding something to like about yourself...I'm sure that'll fix the whole hard core judgement "i'm so angry I have to blog about women's hair" thing.

Anonymous said...

Mean is just a crutch unfunny people use. Good luck with this comedy thing.

Li said...

oh you'll hate this. i found your bangs rant from another blog that i found when googling "feist bangs." cause i'm a bangless girl considering bangs. but you made such a good case! (and i think i choked, laughing). i only wish i knew where you were from and how old you were so i could figure whether or not age and geographics were a factor in this. bc if you are in, say, colorado. then i won't have to really worry about it, because it could very well be that fashion hasn't caught up to you yet...

I replied...

Well, as my profile clearly states, I'm 35 and live in Santa Monica, CA, aka Los Angeles aka the forefront of bang research and technology. This ain't no Colorado.

Anonymous said...

Hipster/Nerdy/Artsy/Geeky/ Intellectual types- LOVE them. Pricks- HATE them. Hooray for attracting hot interesting men!!!

I replied...

no, they actually don't. they just pretend to because they can't get attractive women.

Alia said...

Funny. The only times I've been complimented on my hair, by random guys, were the times I had bangs. My roommate's guy friend told her that he liked my bangs, and he'd never even spoken to me before, so he had no reason to lie.

...That's what you get for generalizing so much.

I replied...

that's what you get for believing people who are just being polite.

Not Good TV News

2011-10-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned awhile ago, the best TV pilot I read this year was "Awake" by Kyle Killen. He's the guy who wrote my favorite pilot of last year, "Lone Star", which was a giant 2 episode success.

Well, things on "Awake" might be headed in an even worse direction. Deadline reports:

Five episodes into its 12-episode midseason order, NBC’s drama series Awake is temporarily shutting down production to allow writers to catch up on scripts. The unplanned hiatus, which is expected to last a couple of weeks, is being done upon request from Awake creator/executive producer Kyle Killen and executive producer/showrunner Howard Gordon. It will be used to plot out the rest of the series’ first season.

“This is a creatively challenging show as anyone who has seen the pilot can imagine,” Gordon said. Awake stars Jason Isaacs as a detective who finds himself living in a dual reality after a fatal car accident, one where his wife survives and one where his son does. The series intertwines his two lives, each with its own family dynamic, workplace and a different psychiatrist for the lead. “Because we’re not on a tight delivery schedule, it wasn’t an expensive shutdown and just gives us an opportunity to get it right,” Gordon said, adding that the reaction from both NBC and Awake‘s studio 20th Century Fox TV to the already produced episodes has been positive.

Gordon also noted a similar shutdown for rewrites on his previous series, Fox’s 24, in the fall of 2008, which allowed the writers to reshape the second-to-last season’s creative direction. Like Awake, 24 was a midseason series, giving the producers more leeway scheduling-wise.

This is disturbing. How do you not have shit planned out? Maybe from Killen's last experience he thought a full season is only 2 episodes.

It's weird though, because I've been going through this process myself recently, and every executive I've met with has asked me very difficult questions about the future of the series. You can't completely bullshit your way through this process. And in this show's case, which is complicated to begin with, you'd think there'd be a definitive plan not just for season 1, but season 2 and beyond.

And I hate, hate!, that they're using "24" as a comparison. During that first season, I yelled at anyone who would listen "they're just making this up as they go along!" There was no plan on that show at all and it killed it for me. They turned characters who clearly they had no intention of being "bad guys" early on into super villains. It was obnoxious.

This is the danger of doing a pilot with a great hook. All of your great ideas are in the pilot, so what the hell are you gonna do in episode 2? And the hundred after that? On the other hand, you go in the room with "Cheers" and you're clearly in it for the long haul.

I hope they figure this "Awake" thing out, because it's a pretty cool idea, and a different way to do a (gasp!) procedural. Pull it together, people.

"He's F-ing Perfect" Script Review

2011-10-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm seriously thinking about quitting Hollywood. I'm not kidding. This script was a thousand times worse than I thought it would be, and it's honestly made me rethink everything I'm trying to do as a writer. I'm embarrassed for this business. I'm nauseated that this person is going to get rewrite jobs and agents and managers and assignments from this. I simply can't believe it, and it infuriates me.

Let's go back to the beginning...

In my last post, I bitterly ranted against a screenplay entitled "He's Fucking Perfect", that sold for a million dollars.

I didn't know anything about this writer when I read the story about the sale. I looked up her name on IMDB and her only credit was Adam Mckay's assistant. Well, upon further digging, it seems that Adam Mckay and Will Ferrell are on board to produce this script. Ahhh, now things are making a bit more sense. But only a little. I have to assume that the only reason this sold is because of them, and because "Bridesmaids" was successful.

There were a lot of great comments on my post, including one from a person who had actually read it. Well, this weekend my friend Jamathew sent me the script, mostly because he enjoys seeing me get really, really angry.

After reading it, I have to say I respectfully disagree with many of your comments. First of all, the protagonist does not compare with Goldie Hawn in "Overboard". Goldie Hawn spends that entire movie getting her comeuppance. And we can believe she's actually changed, she's not at all the same person she was at the beginning of the film.

Secondly, I do think this is exactly the kind of movie Kate Hudson would do. And I did not find the script "funny" or "fresh". Here's my review:

One of the things that made me mad about this script before I read it was the premise: a girl who acts as a vetting service for her friends by cyberstalking the guys they are dating.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but the script doesn't have the balls to commit to this premise. It's definitely there, but it's not like that's her job or anything. Yet it is a key part of the story, and the problem with it remains:

That's not a real thing. Everyone with a computer can do this on their own, they don't need their friend to do it for them. It's never explained why she is better at using google than anyone else. Her special ability appears to be going on Facebook.

Adding to the annoyance of it here is the term that is used for what she does for her friends. They constantly refer to it as a "check up". As in, will you do a check up for me on him? It made me uncomfortable just seeing that phrase. She was probably trying to avoid the characters saying "can you google him?" because it would reveal how obvious it is that anyone could do it.

And while I thought that was going to be the thing I hated the most about the script, it wasn't. There was a secret other thing lurking beneath this premise that I have railed about in the past.

It's a Three's Company episode.

The whole movie is watching a main character lie to the guy she likes and pretending to be someone she isn't. And this is no slight to the writer, really, but I cannot stand any movie that relies on this.

A perfect example of this is that Adam Sandler movie where he pretends Jennifer Aniston is his ex wife in order to get with Brooklyn Decker. "Just Go With It". We all have to sit and wait for an hour and a half for the inevitable truth to be revealed. Boring. We know it's all gonna come out eventually, there's no other outcome in these kind of movies.

And yet, they still get made all the time. I don't get it. It's unwatchable to me. Just tell the truth! This never works!

But beyond this issue, that may or may not be personal to me, the writing in this script is bad. It's fucking amateur hour. I mean, there is some promise, but clearly this is a young writer. If this were a grad student's screenplay, it would be acceptable.

But no, it sold for a million bucks. Thus, we must judge it a little more harshly.

The jokes aren't sharp. It's amazing that this is okay in the feature world, because it wouldn't fly on any show I've ever worked on. This girl would not do well in a writer's room, and it's hard for me to wrap my head around this quirk in the business. Here's this person who is now a success, who wouldn't be able to do what many struggling writers do well on a daily basis.

Some other issues with the writing:

There are cut away jokes in this script, it's like a bad version of 30 Rock. And there's no consistency to them. There's a few in act one, and not really any after that. They stand out like a sore thumb, or more accurately, a crutch. A way to wedge in jokes, and then when she didn't need to do that anymore, she stopped using them.

Once again, I'll say it: this wouldn't pass muster at 30 Rock, or Family Guy, or a lot of other TV comedies, so why does it work in movie land?

I lost count, but I think 5 different people have birthdays during this script, all to setup opportunities for people to give other people presents.

The word boo-ya and ex-squeeze me are used, and even worse, multiple characters use the phrase "gettin' your BLANK on". For example, "yeah, I'm ready to get my hungry on". I thought it was okay, though unpleasant, when one character did it. But then another and another did it and it was weird.

When you write a Three's Company style premise like this, there is always a scene at the end where all of the lies come out. It should be a big block comedy scene where craziness ensues and we see our protagonist ruined. This is done in this script in the laziest, joke free way possible.

This scripts exists in some alternate reality where loving reality shows is this crazy unique thing that no one does. Maybe it's set in 2003 and I missed it. Here's an action line from the script:

Jack turns on “The Bachelor”. Charlie looks dumbfounded, it’s
one of her FAVORITE guilt ridden reality shows

The writer tells us, the reader, to put a specific song on to listen to while reading her dumb words. Thankfully, she only does this once.

Every bad sitcom joke that has ever been done is here. Also, she constantly uses "hip" words to "hip up" the script. Food trucks! Tweeting! Youtube! Bikram Yoga! The Black Keys! Iphone Scrabble! A&E's Intervention! Bon Iver! It's like every girl in LA who I hate helped punch it up.

Sample dialogue:

Ok, so if you go into Google docs,
I started a file for us to share
info we find out. It’ll mostly be
me using it, but it’d be cool if
you start following him on Twitter,
read all his posts, see his
Twitpics, that sorta thing. And
then Foresquare, Yelp, and Linked
in, just to keep up on him.

One more:

CHARLIE
What are you listening to?
MADDY
Black Eyed Peas.
CHARLIE
Are you Ferg-a-licious?

The word "creepy" is used 18 times.

Every God Damn scene between the girls involves smoking weed. It's obnoxious and so showy. WE GET IT: Girls: they're just like us!

It's practically a Cheech and Chong movie for no reason. I went out with a girl who smoked a ton of weed and it was never in your face like this. It's like some crazy overcompensation because they are girls. Fuck off.

One last thing: at no point does any character in this movie do something that a real person would do.

I sort of feel bad about shitting on this script, but then I remember she got a million dollars for it and is more successful than me, and it makes me feel a lot worse.

An underlying problem in Hollywood is that in truth, there's only like 3 great screenplays every year. And they have to make a hundred movies. So everything else is like trying to polish a turd. Comparing this thing to "Crazy, Stupid, Love" is absurd, they're barely even the same art form. This is one of the 97 others, and I can't even believe it's one of those.

I should mention one caveat to all of this. A few years ago there was a script that made the Black List that made me almost as angry as this one did. And, as coincidence would have it, it was called "I Want to Fuck Your Sister". And people loved it. Everyone loved it. So this could totally explain why I haven't sold anything and Kate Hudson wants nothing to do with me.

On a positive note, this script may have changed my life. I have a meeting coming up with some new members of Team Handleman. They are in the feature business. And I will bring this script up to them and get their thoughts. If they hate it as I do, I will have some hope. If they love it, I'm moving to Wyoming and getting out of everyone's way. That might be for the best.

Bitter Friday!

2011-10-21T15:14:00.000-07:00

Nothing can quite annoy me as much as a big money spec sale. I should probably be happy that studios are doling out big piles of cash for scripts. But no, instead I like to turn my anger on the writer who sold it. It's a grand tradition, that usually peaks when the Black List comes out.

Well, there's one I just read about that made me especially angry so I thought I would share it with the group.

Yesterday a lady writer sold a script to Fox for a million bucks. The title?

"He's Fucking Perfect"

I hate it already. Putting a swear word in your title is the hackiest shit in the world, and of course, assures you a spot on the Black List. So obnoxious. Every script I write now is gonna be entitled "Piece of Shit, Motherfucker". I have to assume that any writer with a bad case of Tourrette's syndrome can get rich.

But let's get on to the details, surely the premise will completely redeem this...

He’s F***ing Perfect is the story of one woman who regularly Facebook-stalks the men her friends are dating, acting as a vetting device for them to weed out losers. Things take a turn when she gets a friend to dump her new guy in order for the woman to steal the man for herself, because in her search she found him to be “f***ing perfect.”

First of all, any movie involving Facebook automatically sucks. That's not cinematic. Plus, it's COMPLETELY MADE UP. No one does this. There is no one in the world who uses Facebook to vet dates for their friends. People just do it themselves. No one is embarrassing enough to hire their buddy to do it for them. What a bullshit gimmick.

Secondly, I guarantee you that Kate Hudson will love this script. There's no way she isn't starring in this garbage. I think they forward scripts like this right to her house.

Another thing that bothers me about this premise is the protagonist. I keep getting told by agents and executives that the movie going audience doesn't want an "unlikeable protagonist".

That's only half right. What they don't like are protagonists like this one. The girl who will do anything to get a man. The girl who screws her friends over for a date, even though she looks like Kate Hudson. The girl who does awful things for 80 percent of the movie, then does the right thing one time at the end and expects us all to love her.

That's what we hate! And we also hate Kate Hudson or Katherine Heigl or Jennifer Garner or any other girl who would be perfect for this.

What we all enjoy is a protagonist who is just all bad and doesn't want us to love her/him. You know, like Tony Soprano, or the millions of other characters that have worked on television for the last 15 years.

The audience doesn't want an unlikeable protagonist if that protagonist is SUPPOSED to be likable. Get the difference?

Now, you may have noticed that I specifically mentioned that this writer is a lady. I pointed that out because I just wanted all of you women out there to know who is writing this shit. It's you. Sure, men write misogynist/women will do commit acts of evil just to score a man crap all the time. But you do it too.

Finally, you might be asking: what are this woman's credits? Maybe she has a giant track record and that's what really got her the cash for this questionable premise.

Well, I'm glad I made up that you asked. Because this woman has zero credits. That is, zero credits as a writer. But she does have a credit as something else...

She's Adam Mckay's assistant.

She was so good at getting that genius his coffee and answering his phone calls, that some of his genius rubbed off on her. Makes perfect sense.

And this is why when anyone asks me about "getting into the business", I tell them to be an assistant. If you get the right assistant job, it almost won't even matter what you write.

We have some script readers who occasionally read this blog now. If any of them are out there, have you read this script and is it as bad as I think it is?

Thanks.

One Great Thing About Occupy Wall Street

2011-10-19T06:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not that familiar with this Occupy Wall Street thing. It seems a tad unfocused. But what I am familiar with is the conservative's response to it, and I am enjoying that very much.

It wasn't that long ago that the conservatives had a group of rabble rousers protesting stuff, stuff that seemed a tad unfocused. And boy were they sensitive when "liberals" had the nerve to mock these true American patriots, who were doing the most American thing you can do.

Some of us were evil enough to claim that this new tea party might involve some racism. You know, cause they were suddenly so worried about the debt even though they were nowhere to be found when a white guy was President.

Well, now the shoe is on the other unwashed foot and Wall Street is occupied. So of course the Conservatives are defending the most American thing you can do, right? Uh, no.

They are saying that the protesters are Communists, Nazis, and White Supremacists.

Now, you'd think with this tea party example fresh in all of our minds, they'd be a little more open minded about the whole thing. But no, instead they went with immediate hatred and disdain, ridiculing it for pretty much all the same things you could ridicule the tea party for.

I don't understand this thinking. How do these people automatically know which side to be on? Is there a newsletter that goes out? Couldn't they have easily gone the other way, and claimed it's more evidence that Obama is fucking things up?

I've been on a quest the last couple of years to figure this all out, and I still have no answers. Basically, I don't understand why anyone would want to live their life strictly on partisan grounds. Everything we do is great! Everything they do sucks! It seems like a crazy way to think of the world.

Do they know how hypocritical it is? Do they care? Why can't they stray from their "team" and take things on a case by case basis?

Have you ever spoken to one of these conservatives? They all argue in the same exact way, and it's impenetrable. There is an army of these brainwashed sheep, and it is scary as shit. They're not terrorists, but their minds are about as open as the Taliban.

Moving on, I watched part of the debate tonight. I've seen some of the others, but for some reason this one blew my mind.

I was convinced that afterwards all of the pundits would be laughing off Rick Perry. But no, they claimed it was a "comeback performance". Comeback performance? The guy is a barely functioning adult. I can't believe he's been a Governor for 11 years. He can't speak in sentences.

Before he got into the race, I was sure he was going to be the nominee. I hadn't heard him talk before, he just looked the part and was the Governor of Texas and used to talk about seceding. People who hate black people love that.

But he is not good. And then there's Newt. If Rick Perry could say everything that Newt says in these debates, he would win easily. But sadly for Newt, he is Newt, and there's too much baggage there. And by baggage I mean affairs.

The fact that Michele Bachmann has made it this far is frightening. Herman Cain is just making stuff up. And Rick Santorum is the kind of guy who saved himself for marriage, but like all Christian virgins, didn't count the times he did anal.

There's only person on that stage who you could see as the President. And proving just how insane everyone else is, that man wears magic underwear.

Mitt has to come out of this. I don't know how anyone else could. And it's sorta sad for them, because he's clearly not a true conservative. He's the kind of guy I would think the tea party would hate. He's from the (ick) north. He's into government health care, or used to be. He showers.

I'm almost starting to believe the theory that they don't want to beat Obama. Being in power didn't work too well the last time. They've been way better off with Obama as the President. There's so much more to yell and scream about.

If they give him four more years, there's a lot better chance to sweep everywhere in 2016. But if they get in now, they'll have to actually do stuff. And that's where they get into trouble.

Screenwriter Spotlight

2011-10-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

I know it's cliche to cry about screenwriters not getting any credit, but it's pretty crazy. Especially since in TV it's the directors who are so interchangeable. When the Best Director category came up on the Emmys, I realized I had worked with every single one of them back on Dharma & Greg (I'm old).

Yet in film, the directors are "geniuses". No one really cares about who wrote what, even though that's the basis for everything in the movie. Very illogical.

Anyway, I was watching the movie Limitless recently - which was a very okay movie - and as per usual I looked up the writers on it. One of them was Leslie Dixon.

I had never heard of Leslie Dixon, and neither have you. But it turns out, she's been writing movies for exactly 25 years, with 13 produced features under her belt. It's amazing to have that kind of career and yet we don't know who the hell she is. Alas, that's the way it goes for a movie writer.

What has she written besides Limitless?

She did the remake to Heartbreak Kid, which people did not like but was actually not the worst movie I've ever seen. She wrote Hairspray, the Reese Witherspoon movie Just Like Heaven, Freaky Friday, and Pay It Forward.

That's not too shabby. It definitely would pay the bills. But before that, she wrote:

The Thomas Crowne Affair with Pierce Brosnan. She seems to specialize in these remakes, and while the other ones weren't too great, I love the Thomas Crowne Affair. Very clever movie, with a sick ending.

Before that, she wrote Mrs. Doubtfire. That's the one that probably set her up for the last 15 years.

But let's go back further, cause she also wrote the great Patrick Dempsey vehicle Loverboy, and the Bette Midler/Shelley Long comedy Outrageous Fortune.

Sandwiched between those, she wrote a movie I've seen over a hundred times. A little film called Overboard, starring Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.

Now let's bring it back, where did we start? Oh yeah, Limitless. Isn't it crazy that the same chick who wrote Limitless, also wrote Overboard? That's range. If I ever met this woman, there is only one question I would want to ask her. Just one. It would be:

Did you invent the rotating shoe shelves for Goldie Hawn's closet in Overboard? Cause that shit was genius.

How I Lost 10 Pounds on the Irwin Handleman Diet

2011-10-13T23:43:00.000-07:00

On my birthday every year, a group of my friends gather in San Diego and we play beach sports. This year, one my friends arrived and he looked like his body had been transformed. He was never in bad shape, but suddenly he had muscles.

He immediately asked me if there was anything to eat - he had just driven 2 hours - and I looked around. There was a box of Klondike bars in the freezer, and we each pulled one out and had one. It was delicious.

Not too long after that, he wanted another one. And since it was my birthday, I said what the hell and had one too.

Then we started in on some chips and salsa...

The next day, he didn't want anything. And that's when I found out that he's on a diet. Yesterday was his CHEAT DAY.

Here's the thing, yesterday was not my cheat day, it was just Friday. So while this maniac is eating nothing but egg whites, black beans, chicken, and more black beans 6 days a week and then taking 1 day to eat whatever he wants, I'm in for 2 Klondike bars any time I feel like it. His cheat day was my day.

At the time, he had been doing this diet for 7 months, and gone from a size 34 waist to a size 29 and lost a bunch of weight. He's still doing it 6 months later. I went over to his house recently and he opened up a cabinet to reveal cans of beans as far as the eye could see. The man must play symphonies out of his ass, but hey, it works.

I was intrigued by this diet because I wanted to start eating a little better and get back to my fighting weight. For the first 22 years of my life, gaining weight was a problem. I was always tiny. But once I started working for a living it went all down hill. And by down hill I mean to my gut.

I'm 5'10" (5'9" if you are accurately measuring). I used to hang out in the 160 pound neighborhood. In my steady working days, I'm now 175.

He told me all about his routine and it sounded awful. My issues with food are well known around these parts. I don't eat black beans. And I really don't eat egg whites, so that was out. And his cockamamie diet doesn't include fruit. At all. Fruit! This was everything I was against. A life without peaches is a life I don't want to live.

For many months, I contemplated what could be done. I don't enjoy trying new things. My two biggest issues were:

Breakfast
Drinks

As I said, I don't eat eggs. I don't drink milk. I don't eat oatmeal. I don't like anything other than white bread. I don't like water.

Something had to be done. So I decided to turn my weakness into a strength. I decided to go all fruit with it! All fruit, all the time. Nothing but fruit. No one ever got fat just eating fruit. And there's no opposite of scurvy.

And best of all, I was willing to sacrifice one thing. I'd drink water. No more Cokes, delicious Sunkist, or even glorious, glorious Lemonade. Just water.

For a week I went on an all peach diet. All peaches all the time. Also, grapes and strawberries and apples. Throw in some chicken or steak and that was every meal.

This was a bad idea. For the first time in my life, I almost got sick of fruit. The horror!

A change was needed. So I bought a book called "Eat This, Not That!". It's very simple. And the best part about it is it takes stuff that's in every Supermarket and tells you what's healthy and what's not.

The big change came with English Muffins. I used to eat normal English Muffins, but the book said the best kind you could eat was Light Whole Grain. I tried it and it wasn't the worst thing in the world, so that's what I eat now.

For my pooping needs, I got a cinnamon fiber cereal the book suggested, and I'm able to throw a few spoon fulls of that down with no milk.

Spaghetti lunches are gone. So is my precious white rice. And bread. I'm a chicken and vegetable man. Lots of carrots and broccoli. And salads.

And I don't give myself any cheat days. I cheated for the last 10 years.

The two things I couldn't quit were Wishbone Italian and Kraft BBQ sauce. I don't give a shit, I need those bad boys just to wash things down.

To be honest, I haven't changed what I eat that much, as my diet was fairly retarded to begin with. But the toughest thing is still the water. I don't like it. I need a flavorful beverage. And I can't do diet. It's a no win situation, people. I'm sticking it out with water for now, and the peeing 15 times a day that comes with it.

But that's actually another helpful thing, because in addition to the eating I'm also exercising, which includes piss ups.

If you watch my show, you know that piss ups are just a healthy way to live. It's very simple, every time you pee, you do 10 pushups. With all this water running right through me, I'm turning into Herschel God Damn Walker.

10 pounds have been lost. It's been a month, if it lasts another I'll be shocked. It's totally not worth it.

Reading List

2011-10-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

Boy, you guys sure came through. Thank you all for your reading suggestions. It was awesome to see so many books I've never even heard of. That's the one thing that sucks about all of the bookstores closing down, it's much harder to stumble on something that isn't on the best seller list. It's also one less place for me to loiter.

Someone mentioned Unbroken, and I think I wrote a blog about how I read that. I've also read Tina Fey's book, all of Chuck Klosertman's stuff (not that big of a fan of his fiction), Hollywood Animal (love that book), and I'm Dying Up Here.

Jackie recommended Jay Mohr's book, which I haven't read (though I have read is book about working on SNL, which I enjoyed). I'm glad she brought this up because I've recently started listening to his podcast. So here's my recommendation for you guys: listen to Jay Mohr's podcast about how he got the part in Jerry Maguire, and about the time Jennifer Aniston was a crazy bitch to him.

It's actually sort of frustrating to listen to because he goes on all kinds of crazy tangents. But if you can wait it out 'till he gets to the meat of the stories, they are worth it. I particular enjoy how Tom Cruise is exactly how you'd think he'd be, but in a kind of awesome, super hero way.

I definitely will read the Steve Jobs book when it comes out. And I always see that Freakonomics book and think "I should finally read that". But I think I'm gonna begin the proceedings with that Don Simpson book, only because there's about a 100% chance that I will love it, as I do all things about Hollywood. And I need a sure thing.

And from there I will go down the list and see how many of these I can knock out. Thanks again, great picks, can't wait to be sitting on a beach and not working and reading this stuff.

What Should I Read?

2011-10-11T18:23:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for book suggestions. After finishing Paul Allen's autobiography, everything else has been a let down. Not that that was so amazing, I just can't find anything new that seems cool and holds my interest.

I'm a fan of Mark Bowden (Searching for Pablo, Black Hawk Down) and he has a new book out, but I read about half of it and it sucks. Also, I tried Confidence Men and didn't like it.

So now I turn to you. I like non-fiction. Could be entertainment/writing related, politics, sports, I don't know. If you've read anything recently that blew your mind, regardless of what it was, I would like to know about it. However, I'm not that big on reading novels (like that James Patterson guy, the Reacher books, etc) so there you go.

Thanks.

Unorganized, Semi-Coherent Thoughts About "Drive"

2011-10-10T15:43:00.001-07:00

Ryan Gosling is busy. Seems like he was on a 1 movie a year pace and now he's had 3 out in the last 3 months. I haven't seen The Ides of March yet, but I did see Crazy Stupid Love, which was great. And this weekend, I saw Drive.

Drive has been getting great reviews (93% on Rotten Tomatoes) and I've heard many people say it is one of the best films of the year. I disagree. A lot.

I mentioned Drive a month or so ago because I read part of the script. My problem with the screenplay was the premise: There is no such thing as a guy who is a freelance getaway driver!

That should've been a stopping point right there for the writer. This gritty, realistic crime story I'm writing a hundred pages about is a made up thing that has no basis in reality. Fuck it, it's character!

If you're so bad at committing crimes that you need the best getaway driver in the business, you need to find a different career. Maybe more planning should go into your caper before calling up a stranger you've heard through the criminal underground is really good at outrunning the cops.

People tried to ease my fears about this by telling me that the movie "really isn't about that". It's "just a thing at the beginning". Uh, not really. It's kind of the movie. And I hate how people can just look past that and say it's great anyway. How can you ignore it? It's pure nonsense. The central "job" of this career is a lie. It's like doing a movie about a town that has outlawed dancing. It's craziness.

Even if you dismiss it though, it's still about a guy who works as a mechanic who is an awesome driver. What does that even mean? How is he an awesome driver? Don't you have to be in a racing circuit to do this?

Well, the movie never tells us. They never say how he's so good at driving, where he acquired this skill, or how he's used it - other than being a get away driver for hire. Which again, doesn't exist.

Oh yeah, he is a movie stuntman. He's basically a crash test dummy. But I'm sure that's like a real career that you have to do for a long time and pays legit money. But whatever.

Getting beyond that, here is my real problem with the movie...

SPOILERS AHEAD

The entire film is based on this premise:

Ryan Gosling, a loner who doesn't take unnecessary risks, risks everything for his next door neighborhood he recently met, Carey Mulligan.

Okay, that's not bad. Only one problem, why Carey Mulligan?

You'd think if this guy will do anything to keep Carey safe, there must be something pretty amazing between them.

Too bad they don't say more than "hey" to each other.

Oh, it's minimalism? Is that what you call it? I call it a get out of jail free card. The hard thing to do would be to write dialogue. Having two star actors together who, because we've watched movies all of our lives, know are gonna fall in love, just gaze lovingly at each other is the easy thing to do.

He had more of a relationship when he was Lars with the real girl. They had more interesting conversations than he has with Carey Mulligan in this movie.

I get movies that are slow. Movies without a lot of talking. That's fine. But this was beyond that. This was uncomfortable and not representative of real life. There are long stretches where he is asked a question and just stares without saying a word. That doesn't happen. People don't do that. And people that do do that, are fucking weirdos who don't get Carey Mulligan.

She says "you want some water", and he stares at her for a good minute and a half, and then says "uh, sure".

Love!

He's in love now! She's in love now! That's all it took. They have no connection other than physical, I guess. And even that is questionable. Do they have anything in common? Nope. What do they talk about? Well, water and how refreshing it is. Not even that, just the offer of water and the acceptance of it.

Oh, but one time, she touched his hand.

Love!

So for that hand touch, Ryan decides to do stuff he's never done before, like get himself killed. His whole deal in doing these (fake, bullshit) jobs is "I give you 5 minutes" and "I don't know you and you don't know me". It's all about taking as few risks as possible.

But not for this girl who just gave him water. Now it's all thrown out the window. Now he's doing stuff that will obviously get him killed or caught. But it doesn't matter, because she is worth it. She must live on. It doesn't even matter if they are together, he was so impressed by her generosity with H2O that he will do anything so that she survives.

The entire film revolves around his love for her, and yet, there is nothing to establish this.

Counter argument: "...but it's about his loneliness and finally doing something for someone else"

Here's my problem with that: how in the hell has he never been in love before? He falls in love at the drop of a hat! He literally helped a single mom out with her car and then immediately decided that his life was worth sacrificing for hers.

You're telling me in the last 30 years no other girl knocked his socks off? What's so special about this girl? It took about 2 seconds for him to go head over heels. That's not the characteristic of someone who has walls up and never lets anyone in and wants to be left alone. This is the characteristic of Kate Hudson in every romantic movie.

So what I'm saying is, I didn't like it. Everything in it is false. It didn't have the goods to deliver a real relationship, so it cheated one with "looks" and music and "indy" bullshit. It developed the style of an art film to cover the holes in its premise.

Here's hoping The Ides of March can make it 2 for 3. If not, there's always Lars and the Real Girl 2.

ESPN Needs a Rival

2011-10-06T13:10:00.000-07:00

The most important show on ESPN is, and has always been, Sportscenter. And it is now garbage. I mean, it's awful. Just horrendous. There aren't enough synonyms for "suck" to describe it.

Let me provide an example. I used to watch Sportscenter every morning, and they'd just keep replaying it every single hour. I watched it to see the highlights. That's it. I wanted to see the plays and the games and the scores I missed. Isn't that why everyone watches it?

Well, on Wednesday I caught the morning Sportscenter. On Tuesday, there happened to be 4 playoff baseball games. That's a pretty rare occurrence. They couldn't fit them all on TV, and one of them ended late in the night.

The only final score I knew was in the Yankees/Tigers game. Other than the MLB playoffs, there really wasn't much going on. The NFL is Sunday and Monday, college football is Thursday and Saturday. So there were no other results to report on.

Okay, here's what Sportscenter provided me in the hour I watched:

The Yankees/Tigers game was the first highlight. It's well known that ESPN bows down to the east coast and the Yankees (and Red Sox) in particular, so this is what I expected.

The highlights did not show every scoring play, but they did show an above average (but not all that great) catch by Curtis Granderson 4 times. In fact, if Granderson would've played the ball right, it would've been a fundamental catch. But he took one step in at the crack of the bat, and ended up having to jump up and catch it. He turned the mundane into the (semi) spectacular.

After that, they went to their baseball "expert" where they dissecting the game further. This included showing the Granderson catch a couple more times.

Instead of doing the obvious thing and showing us the highlights/results for the other games, they checked in with Tiger Woods LIVE on the golf course. Unfortunately, it was Wednesday, and the tournament didn't start until Thursday. So they proceeded to show us Tiger standing around at a tee box, doing basically nothing.

Up next? They went to their football "expert" to discuss Sunday's Patriots/Jets game. Gee, how shocking that a Boston/New York football game would get this placement on Sportscenter.

This led to some NFL injury news, and then we had our first commercial.

Keep in mind, there were 3 other PLAYOFF baseball games the night before and they haven't told us what happened in any of them. Was it really more important that Teddy Bruschi tell us that Wes Welker is off to a hot start this year?

After the commercial, it's time to talk about baseball...NOPE. Actually, we need ESPN's college football "expert" to tell us about the upcoming games on Saturday. Thank God, we only have 3 more days in the week before those are played.

Okay, finally we get the Cardinals/Phillies highlights. This includes another talk with the baseball "expert" about that game. Two down, still two to go.

Is this driving you crazy yet? Well, I haven't even gotten to the best part. Guess what's next:

Check back in with Tiger!

Yep, he's still there, not swinging a golf club, probably cause the tournament doesn't start until tomorrow.

Did you think that was the best part? Because it wasn't. This is it. We hit the half hour mark, and guess what it's time to show:

The Granderson catch again! They showed the Yankees highlights for the second time before showing the other games a first time! You know, just in case you forgot what happened with the most important team in baseball.

Is this fucking radio programming now? They're just thinking in terms of 15 minute day parts? Insanity.

The funny thing is I don't even have a dog in this hunt. I haven't even been paying attention to baseball this year. Besides, my team is the Padres. I was just mildly curious about those games and it was still driving me nuts. If the Padres were in the playoffs (a miracle, I know) and they had won and they weren't showing it, I would've stuck my fist through the TV.

How are you not gonna show my team in an hour Sportscenter? How is that even possible? Yankee fans have no idea what this feels like. They're also front running assholes.

The thing is, this is business as usual on Sportscenter now. This is how it is all the time. The other night the Cardinals and Braves were in historic elimination games on the final day of the regular season. One of the games went extra innings. About as dramatic as you can get.

When did that get shown on that night's Sportscenter? 30 minutes into the show. Why? Because the Red Sox were in an elimination game that same night.

I know what they're argument is: but fans have the internet now! They know the results! And they can watch the highlights any time they want!

Bullshit. Yes, we can get the results, but guess what crap ass highlights we have to watch? YOURS! Yours, ESPN, and your highlights are shit. Why? Because you need to spend 5 minutes with Tim Kurkjian's Peter Brady voice telling us that Albert Pujols is seeing the ball well right now.

Who cares what actually happened in the NFL game, let's hear some ex ball player with a 3rd grade education who has had 19 concussions talk some more. Yeah, that's good TV.

And you know what? I don't want to go on the internet to seek these highlights out. You've got 10 Sportscenter's on in the morning, you can't find time for the ACTUAL GAMES?!

Meanwhile I'm running around showering, putting clothes on, and cramming a shitty breakfast down my throat while the TV is on. So help a brother out. Show me what happened so I don't have to spend my afternoon doing it when I'm supposed to be writing jokes about a guy getting hit in the nuts.

This shouldn't be hard. But after their success and complete dominance, they started to outsmart themselves. And I've seen this a lot on TV shows. The people running things start thinking they need to do more. You don't! Do less. Show the great plays, that's all we want. That's why your channel has billions of dollars in the first place.

The fact is, Sportscenter has sucked for 10 years, probably because they don't have any competition. ESPN is a monopoly, and as always with monopolies, the customers are losing.

Fox briefly challenged in the ESPN awhile ago, and they failed. They didn't do it right. They tried to do something regionally, and it has to be national.

We need a national sports channel that is willing to do what ESPN won't do: show in depth, comprehensive highlights for all of the teams...and that's it.

Maybe you're saying: but what about ESPN News?

Fuck ESPN News! That's even worse. Kurkjian is over there running his mouth too. And it's the same short shifted highlights from Sportscenter in the same east coast bias order.

No, someone entirely different needs to try their hand at this. The same idiots have been doing this for too long and they have gotten lazy. We need a fresh take. I never thought a sports network would lose sight of the games mattering the most, but here we are.

ESPN, eat a west coast, Yankee and Red Sox and Patriots and Jets hating dick.

Who Watches Two and a Half Men?

2011-10-05T06:36:00.000-07:00

I bit the bullet on Monday. I watched Two and a Half Men. I was tired of hearing how awful it was and I wanted to see for myself.

And sadly, it lived up to the hype. The awful hype. It is really, really bad. Like, unequivocally bad.

I know it's cliche to trash the show but I was actually pretty surprised. Because many years ago, I wrote a Two and a Half Men spec script. And when you do that, you have to watch the show a lot and kind of study it. While I recognized that it perhaps wasn't for me, I didn't think it was that bad.

So when I say now that it's garbage, it's coming from a place of comparison. I saw it before, and was okay with it. It's gotten worse, a lot worse.

I'm also not a big fan of it's bizarro sitcom opposites - Community and 30 Rock, two single camera fast paced shows with "hip" references. I'm not some champion of that. I like a good ol' fashioned 3 camera sitcom as much as the next hick, if it is done right.

But this shit, jesus. Here was the plot of the episode I saw:

The half man finds out that Ashton Kutcher (a handsome billionaire. Aren't all billionaires on TV handsome? You don't see too many ugly billionaires in fiction) dropped out of high school. So the kid, who is stupid, like Woody Boyd level stupid, decides he's gonna drop out of high school too because he must be too smart for it.

Now, that's fine, I guess. But taking a step back, the other premise that is ongoing is that Ashton's billionaire character has bought the house from Charlie (who "died"), and is now allowing Charlie's brother and son to live there with him.

In what world does this make any logical sense. You think Mark Zuckerberg has some stranger roommates living with him? I must've missed that part of the Social Network.

But let's move on, it's stupid to get caught up in sitcom logic. After all, this is also a world where Jon Cryer has a full head of hair.

The real question is: who is watching this show? It's the most watched comedy on TV, so someone is. Who? Old people? No, it does pretty well in the 18-49 demographic.

Is it the fly over people we always pretend to care about?

Is it you?

Is it CBS? Is the network so popular that people just kind of gravitate towards it no matter what is on?

Is it the same people who kept According to Jim on for 20 seasons? Did they pickup that unserved audience?

Is it the comedy competition? A lot of people don't want to work so hard when watching comedy, like you have to do with Community. Sorry, not all of us are picking up on your Flowers For Algernon references, nor do we want to. We're all glad you're so clever, but how about sprinkling in a few jokes and characters we could give two shits about?

It's probably some combination of all of these.

But I think this Ashton deal is worse than people realize. The show was acceptable with Charlie Sheen, it made sense. The premise was simple and somewhat relatable. Now it's in crazy land. The Ashton fix wasn't a fix at all. It's fatally flawed.

So here's my fearless prediction: the ratings will start falling this year. Not in a huge way, but a fall. And next season they will collapse, and the show will end. Because what I saw on Monday wasn't a show with a Kirstie Alley kick in the pants, I saw a show that was running on fumes. Bearded, beautiful fumes.

Backup Quarterback Syndrome

2011-10-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

Matt Cavanaugh is the greatest quarterback in San Francisco 49ers history. In 1984, the year they went 18-1 and won the Super Bowl, he threw zero interceptions.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, he was also sitting on the bench as Joe Montana's backup.

But that's the exact reason why he was the greatest. He could do no wrong. And when he actually got into a game, he had a golden arm. That season he threw 4 touchdowns and no picks. Extrapolating that to a 16 game season, that works out to something like 100 touchdowns and no interceptions.

That was the Matt Cavanaugh in our heads. It seemed like he could do that.

And that's the backup QB syndrome. It happens every year. There's always a guy who seems like he could be the savior, even when you don't need one. The backup always is filled with possibility, while the guy on the field is a known, limited, boring quantity.

Here are some famous ones:

Billy Volek, Doug Flutie, Bill Musgrave, Gary Kubiak, Scott Mitchell, AJ Feeley, Tommy Maddux, Jason Garrett, Elvis Grbac, Matt Schaub, Kevin Kolb, and Tim Tebow.

There's one name we need to add to that list:

Chris Christie.

Chris Christie is the Republican Matt Cavanaugh.

And I guess after today, he's gonna stay on the sidelines with the clipboard. And that's probably a good decision, because you can't fuck up on the sidelines. He gets to stay perfect, a conservative voter's fantasy: He'll never raise taxes, never allow a Mexican to cross the border, and always hate black people.

When the truth is that if he ever got in the game, the Republican base would find out that he's into gun control, he believes in science, and worst of all, he's constantly staring down his receivers before making a pass. Sorry, that last one was about the actual Matt Cavanaugh.

The fact is, when most backup QBs get their shot at the starting job, they end up looking like Rick Perry.

And that's why the real genius in all of this is Sarah Palin. If you think she looks retarded now, think of the retardedness we'd see if she was actually running. Right now, this is Sarah Palin looking like she has potential. How fucking scary is that?

The field is a mess. You know it's bad when Herman Cain has moved to the front of the pack. Leave it to the Republicans to get behind the most racist black guy there is. They could never like a regular black guy, it has to be the guy who wants all Muslims deported.

I think it all comes down to one thing: they know Obama can be beaten, and they're scared to death to put their money on a Mormon.

So they're testing every non-Mormon out to make sure they're not complete fuckups before they take that plunge. And thus far, Pawlenty, Bachmann, Perry, they've all been a bunch of Scott Mitchells.

Friendly Reminder

2011-10-01T15:43:00.001-07:00

"Homeland" starts tomorrow night (Sunday) on Showtime. Should be good.

One Other Depressing Thing About Going Back to College

2011-09-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

I had a good time in college. I wouldn't say I had a life altering, amazing time. A lot of that was due to my difficulties with the ladies. It wasn't until later that I became the Clooney type I am today.

And when I went back a couple weeks ago I realized the real problem: I was born too early.

I didn't have a cell phone in college, and I don't remember anyone having one. It was only after I moved to LA that I got my Motorola Startac.

In school, email was just starting to be a thing. There certainly was no social media. Texting was years away.

How did we live? I have no idea how things happened. There's certainly no way we could've produced the show we did without facebook, twitter, and most of all, texting. Everything was done through that shit. Without it, we would've had to have been there a month instead of a week.

I realized that if any of that stuff existed when I was in school, it would've been a completely different experience. There are obvious reasons for this, but the most important one is that on the phone, I am a God Damn retard. But I am a texting savant.

A world in which I don't have to call girls, just write funny things to them? Yeah, I'll take that. That's my strength, people! Talking on the phone is my biggest liability, and that's how I used to have to operate in the pussy trade.

It's like Cyrano De Bergerac, on the phone I'm the dude with the big nose. Through text, no one is the wiser.

Clearly, I was born into the wrong era. When I told the 20 year old assholes I work with that paper and pen were needed to get phone numbers in my day, they looked at me like a fucking caveman, or even worse, the old man that I really am.

It's all texting now. Whenever you see a girl buried in her phone typing something out, and you see it every second of every day, they are engaged in some stupid conversation with a guy who doesn't deserve to be talking to them who is trying to fuck them. And it's working.

My cousin just started college, and he's my Facebook friend. Every day I see all the new "friends" he's made at school, and they are all smoking hot chicks. I want to fly out there and punch him in the scrotum. It's not fair. He's not cool at all, that shouldn't be happening. If it was 1995 he'd be as miserable as I was. But thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, he's Sean Parker.

So to sum up, I'm a grumpy old man and I hate every one.

The New Real World, Featuring "The Beast"

2011-09-28T23:08:00.000-07:00

The new Real World started tonight. They're in San Diego. That's how long this show has been on, they've been to San Diego twice. But it's a totally different part of San Diego!

This always brings up the question: why do people even live in cities where the Real World refuses to go? They'll hit New York or Chicago 10 times before we see a Real World Cleveland.

As you know, I'm a bit of a Real World buff. I've seen every season (except for that gay one in Brooklyn that we don't count as a real season because they refused to cast any attractive straight people that I could live vicariously through. Don't forget your straight audience, assholes). And lately, very quietly, things have been pretty great. Casting that guy who never wore a shirt and used to do gay porn really breathed new life into the franchise.

Also, it has exposed the weakness of Jersey Shore. Jersey Shore is basically the same show except with fake Italians and a cast of roommates that never changes. However, The Real World has a different cast each time. So while Jersey Shore features the same shit - Ronnie and Sammie fighting, Snookie's pussy - every episode, The Real World allows us to see different people fighting and different people's pussies. It refreshes itself, and that is a good thing.

And there's another thing that makes The Real World especially fun to watch these days: The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. We know that after the season ends, some of these people will be graduating to The Challenge. So it's like watching college basketball, and imagining who will go on to dominate the pros.

Well, it just so happens that this season of The Real World features the equivalent of Magic Johnson at Michigan St., Michael Jordan at North Carolina, or Lebron James in high school. I think his name is Zach, but I just call him, The Beast.

The Beast is, quite literally, a beast. He's enormous. Maybe 6'4", 225 pounds. He's an ex football player, with the body of an Adonis. Oh, and one other thing, he's as handsome as the day is long.

Who the hell is this guy? Where did he come from? Why don't they always cast people like this if they're available? The man is beautiful. He's like Tom Brady, but with abs of steel and a better taste in women.

In short, I love The Beast.

But now I want this show to hurry up and be over so I can see him on The Challenge. We've all dreamed of a future CT vs. Ronnie smackdown, but this might offer us something even better.

Obviously, CT is the clear favorite, because of his resume and also his inability to reason. But we've got a whole season to watch and analyze The Beast, and who knows, he may prove to be a formidable foe. I look forward to finding out.

There's another guy on this new season who might actually equal CT in insanity. Unfortunately, he's not built like The Beast. If there was only a way to combine his mental illness with The Beast's size and beauty. But I guess God already did that, and he called him CT.

Darn It, Forgot Another One

2011-09-28T23:06:00.000-07:00

I really let you guys down. There's another new show I forgot, and it premiered this week instead of last. It's a comedy on ABC called Suburgatory, and despite that title, it is actually very good.

It fits my qualifications of not trying too hard, and limiting the wackiness. Check it out.

2011 TV Show Guide UPDATE

2011-09-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

A Bachelor/Bachelor Pad free Monday? What am I supposed to do with myself now?

Well, after writing about what I planned to watch last week, I figured I'd write about what I actually watched.

THE GOOD

REVENGE

Not sure how I forgot to mention this since it was on my list. Unfortunately, I left my Fall TV Preview edition of Entertainment Weekly on the plane and that rocked my world.

Regardless, it's a new show on ABC. Very weird pilot. In some ways, it almost not suitable for broadcast. I've never seen green screen shots look so fake and awful. It seemed like a presentation for execs only rather than a real TV show.

And then I saw the credits and realized that it was directed by Philip Noyce, who is a big time feature director. Not sure why he mailed it in, maybe he thought that a show about a girl getting revenge couldn't possibly last for more than one episode.

But it was saved by the story. Mike Kelley created the show, and he did one of my long forgotten - and canceled after 1 season - favorites, "Swingtown". He knows what he's doing. And the pilot was well constructed and interesting. I'm on board, for now.

One other interesting thing about this show: Madeleine Stowe. Where has she been? I guess her and her husband Brian Benben quit Hollywood or something and now she's back. And the crazy thing is: she looks exactly the same. She may have had her head frozen somewhere, cause it hasn't aged. Not sure the same is true for Benben, we'll have to wait for the Dream On remake.

Oh, and there's another actor who I love who I haven't seen in a million years: Henry Czerny. He got hot about 10 years ago as a bad guy, and he was a great one. You may remember him from Clear and Present Danger (directed by Phillip Noyce!) and the first Mission Impossible. He's awesome, great to see him on TV.

One problem with this show: the lead girl is not hot enough. I don't say that simply for boner reasons, I say it because it is a factor in the plot.

UP ALL NIGHT

In fairness, I did not see the pilot, and I know a lot of people didn't like it. I saw the second episode, and while I didn't think it was that great, the show has potential.

A possible factor in the pilot not being good: they reshot it and changed the jobs of Christina Applegate and Maya Rudolph's characters. Maybe that hurt things.

I liked the tone of the show, especially when you compare it to Wil Arnett's last piece of garbage, Running Wilde. In this one, there isn't so much forced wackiness. It seems like he and Applegate are just relaxed and enjoying each other. Maybe they've produced so much crap in the past they've finally reached "who gives a fuck?" stage. Seriously, one more failed series and they're entering Christian Slater/Eliza Dushku territory.

I have hope.

PAN AM

I guess I'm a sucker for soap operas. Here's another one where I don't see how this is a series. But I really don't see how this is a series. Every episode stuck in a plane? That doesn't seem like a good idea.

The pilot was solid though. Professional. In contrast to Revenge, the lead girl in this is freaking beautiful. And the guy pilot is good too. And Christina Ricci's giant forehead plays the part of the runway.

However, the flight attendants as spy thing seems awful, but what else is there to do? It's a show about flight attendants!

THE MERELY OKAY

THE PLAYBOY CLUB

Everyone hated on this show and I expected the worst. It's not that bad. It's not good either, but it's no Charlie's Angels, that's for sure. Compared to Charlie's Angels this is Mad Men.

This one is sorta like Pan Am where it's like, okay, interesting era, interesting occupation, but what's the show? I don't think they know what it is.

Case in point: the plot of the pilot episode was essentially the same as the murder/cover up plot that they did in Friday Night Lights when every fan cried foul because it was such a terrible idea. And that story was the pilot of Playboy Club! They have nothing.

But I will watch episode 2.

TERRA NOVA

This was 2 hours, with way more dinosaur action than I expected. I thought that was just going to be on the periphery, but it was like watching God Damn Jurassic Park.

This thing has a giant budget, and it's fun to look at. How can you even really compare it to anything else? But is it an awesome show? Not yet.

It's trying to be Lost with a little bit of Walking Dead (dinosaurs = zombies) mixed in, and it's neither. But maybe it can improve.

THE GOD AWFUL

CHARLIE'S ANGELS

Holy shit. What the hell? I mean, really.

This is easily the worst show I watched. It is so bad. And after the meetings I've been on recently, with seemingly very smart people, you wonder how a piece of shit like this gets through the system. I guess when you have a built in audience with a title, you don't have to earn all the things that original idea shows do.

Poor Minka. Oh, Minka. Sadly, I realize now that Minka absolutely cannot act. The genius of Friday Night Lights, and her boobs, made her look good. But this show exposes all that is wrong with her.

And the other Angels aren't cute! How do you get that wrong?

It's Spreading

2011-09-22T16:57:00.000-07:00

Last Week

2011-09-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

MONDAY

5:30am. Wake up. I haven't woken up before 9 in years. Not a great start to the week, but I had a plane to Arizona to catch.

So I get to the airport an hour before the plane is supposed to take off. I start to go up the escalator to security, and the fat black lady who works there says "you gotta check yo bag". And I'm like, "what?". "You gotta check yo bag".

I tell her that I've flown a million times with this bag and I've never had to check it in. She says "put it in the thing and we'll see". And I put my bag in the thing that measures if a bag is small enough to be a carry on. It fits in.

"See, the wheels are sticking out. You gotta check yo bag".

Finally, I give in. And then I have to wait in the long ass check your bags in line. I'm starting to freak out. If I miss this plane, I will never hear the end of it.

After I get it checked, I head past that bitch to the security line. I get through and begin my search for Gate 44G. It turns out, Gate 44G is not in my terminal. You have to go down an escalator and outside, where a little bus comes every 5 minutes to take you to 44G.

I wait.

The bus comes, and we proceed to drive ON THE RUNWAY. We hit a million stop signs where we have to wait for giant airplanes to pass through. Apparently, when you're on a runway, airplanes always have the right of way. It didn't say that in my driver's test.

And the thing that's driving me the most crazy: everyone on this bus has no urgency whatsoever. They could give a shit. I'm the only one who is jumping out of my skin. A guy looks at me and smiles, just sort of shrugging his shoulders like, "what can you do?" I'll tell you what I can do, I can never not fly Southwest ever again.

We get to 44G. It's a tiny outpost of a building about a mile away from the normal terminals. Boarding has started. There is no airway thingy, we have to walk outside and walk up some stairs to the plane like it's 19 fucking 65. I start to consider the possibility that I've been sucked into my TV and in the second episode of Pan Am.

My seat is 16A. I think this is a first class, or at least, business class seat. I get in the plane, and it's so tiny that 16A is the last row of the plane. And it's A because there is only a single row of seats. There is no B.

A second fat black lady is the lone flight attendant. She might be the same black lady from earlier. Every time she walks by my seat, her ass catches me in the back of my head.

We take off and I swear to God our cruising altitude was not more than 5,000 feet.

9:30am. Arrive in Arizona and go immediately into a production meeting. Just about everyone got there before me and I walk in as they are already going through things. Not a good feeling.

10:30am. We go to campus to shoot some bits. It's weird being back. Mostly because it's almost exactly the same, except now I'm 35 years old, over weight and sad.

The day goes well. The kids seem happy that we are there, and the bits go as planned.

5pm. We decided to do a twitter bit where Daniel announces where he is going to be on campus and he will give people who show up an opportunity to talk to him.

A mob scene ensues. After an hour of some great stuff, it's time to go. But how do you leave a bunch of waiting, eager college students?

You run for your life.

8:30pm. We finally finish shooting some other bits.

9:30pm. Eat dinner.

11:00pm. Get back to my hotel room and look over some stuff that's been edited and give notes.

11:30 Receive word about the Bachelor Pad results. Apologize to you guys for missing it in a blog post.

12:00am. Pass out.

TUESDAY

9:00am. Arrive on a location off campus to shoot another bit, involving a cast of thousands. Well, a cast of twenties, at least.

It's a complicated stunt and it takes a few tries to figure it out. Eventually, we have success and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. But only because no one died, which easily could've happened.

11:00am. Get back to hotel and go into our make shift writer's room. Pitch jokes to fill holes in the show.

Some people go out on another shoot, while me and others stay behind to work on the script. Things are starting to get intense.

5:00pm. Arrive at a bar to shoot another bit. It's getting difficult to be around so many hot 20 year olds. Luckily I have my own room to masturbate in later.

7:00pm. Get back into writer's room and go over the script again.

8:30pm. Fancy dinner. We eat at a place in downtown Phoenix that Oprah has given her stamp of approval. And dammit, Oprah is right. It's places like this that make it impossible for Oprah to maintain a reasonable weight.

11:00pm. I finally return to the spot of many a glorious night...Mill Avenue! Unfortunately, on this night it is dead. I think maybe the kids don't go down here to party anymore. Is it possible that things could've changed after 14 years?

I get a cocktail and avoid taking shots as best as possible. It just isn't the same. With two more brutal days ahead, I head in for the night.

WEDNESDAY

8:00am. Shoot our last bit. It's in a classroom, a classroom I once had for my Human Sexuality class. Those were good times...except when we had to watch that birthing video.

Get Jamba Juice. Berry Lime Sublimes taste the same everywhere. The American dream is real, and it is chain food establishments.

9:30am. Back to our hotel room and the post production room. Edit all the bits we've shot in the last couple of days. (NOTE: In every case, I'm not doing any of this by myself, everyone is involved and pitching in. I am just one of the worker bees)

12pm Eat a horrible lunch. I hate sandwiches, that makes lunch very difficult on me. I barely eat at all, which was stupid because I didn't get another bite of food for 10 hours. I definitely would've bit the bullet, or rather, the gross sandwich if I had known.

4pm. Head to the theater for rehearsal. It is ugly on the outside, old on the inside, but huge and impressive. This is gonna be insane. The giant screens look great, and the green screen looks exactly like the one back home.

Complicating matters: we are doing our first ever LIVE redemption. It's a big production, bigger than anything we've ever done. And anytime you try something you've never done, it must be gone over in mind numbing, tedious fashion.

8:30pm. Rehearsal has no ending in sight, so I have to sneak out for an interview with the ASU newspaper.

This is my triumphant return to the school. I used to walk around here anonymously, and now they are asking me about my "career". Unfortunately, I can't soak it in because rehearsals are still going on and I'm nervous and full of adrenaline and talk a million miles a minute. I might've said something racist, I barely remember. But they couldn't have gotten anything good out of me.

You know how the best revenge is living well? Yeah, I'd rather have fucked the hot girls while I went to school here instead.

9:30pm. Rehearsal comes to a merciful ending.

10pm. Dinner near the hotel with most of the staff. At last, another meal, and I take down a steak and 3 ears of corn.

1am. The previous day, we were told about a big house party, called the Rage Castle. We loved that name, Rage Castle. It became the joke of the week. We had to go.

We gather the troops and head over, and it is a complete bust. No one is there. We find out in a tweet the next day that the rage castle was moved "to Tommy's house last minute". Bummer. Fucking Tommy.

THURSDAY

8am. Back in post production to put the finishing touches on the edited pieces. It's a grind.

11am. Head to the theater for rehearsals.

1pm. Walk to the ol' Memorial Union for a quick bite. I am reminded of the old days as I see a hot girl at the downstairs Burger King. I don't talk to her and avoid eye contact just as I did when I was 19. Those were good times.

2pm. More rehearsals. It's coming together. Especially the live redemption, we might actually pull it off.

A huge line is forming. Everyone is excited. The end is in sight.

8pm. The first show goes off without a hitch. Then that crowd exits, and we load a second crowd in.

10pm. The second show goes even better with a drunken, raucous crowd. And they love it. It's like Showtime at the Apollo with inebriated white people.

11pm. It's over. We did it.

Oh, except for one thing...

Midnight. We drive home. From Tempe to Los Angeles. 6 hours. Well, it would've been until we discover that the freeway IS CLOSED in Phoenix. We're stuck for an hour, before getting off and getting on down the road.

I have my first ever mental breakdown, and almost get out of the car and roll my non-fitting on American Airlines suitcase down the freeway back to ASU.

6:30am. Arrive home. Go to sleep.

1:30pm. Go back to the office to work on next week's show. Ah, the circle of life.

7pm. Go home. It's time to relax...by writing a bunch of blog posts.

And tonight at 10pm on Comedy Central, you will see the fruits of all my labor. Here's a preview.

Tosh.0
Get More: Tosh.0 Videos,Daniel Tosh,Web Redemption

A Week Later, I Watch the Bachelor Pad Finale

2011-09-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

Because this is old news now, I'm calling this a half recap, a "half-cap".

The four remaining couples - Holly & Michael, Vienna & Kasey, Michelle & Graham, and Ella & Kirk - go to Vegas. They have to perform a challenge that involves dancing on a wall. The couple that comes in last gets eliminated.

This makes no sense. After all these weeks it comes down to a weird wall thing that no normal person has ever done before? Wouldn't it make more sense to do the newlywed game here? As a test of who is the best couple? Now all of the sudden it's like the fucking Olympics? Bizarre. It's like if the winner of American Idol was decided by the person who could throw a 90 mph fastball. It's not Cirque Du Soleil Pad!

I guess they'll just make up anything to get these idiots to Vegas. A Cirque Du Soleil show is involved in every iteration of the Bachelor franchise. It's almost like the Bachelor Copter at this point.

The "judges" for this made up competition that has nothing to do with anything but will nevertheless be a deciding factor in the show, are (huge surprise!) Trista, Jason Mesnick, and Ali. Holy shit. Trista and Jason only make appearances on this show and do nothing else. So embarrassing. She had more dignity when she was an NBA cheerleader giving hand jobs to Tim Hardaway.

And also? These are the judges! Hardly nonbiased. And what the hell do they know about this wall dance? This whole show is rigged! They're making a mockery of the Pad.

This is really, really awful.

In the early episodes, they had the kissing contest, that one where they had to hold onto each other the longest...those were interesting. This is nothing. It means nothing, it looks like nothing. What the hell happened? They ran out of ideas after episode 2? You mean to tell me the people who produce this show aren't creative geniuses? I don't believe it.

Damn, Ella's gotta big lower half. That's why it's been confusing how no guy on these shows ever likes her. We never got a look at that trunk. It ain't pretty. See, and Holly, she has a great lower half. You can't underestimate this factor. TV is only showing us half the story with these bitches.

Oh my God, the judges have the nerve to tell these people what things they could've done to improve their "performance". Shut the hell up. THIS IS NOT A REAL THING and you know nothing about it anyway.

Michael and Holly win. Ella and Kirk go home. Why? Because they're not good at dancing on a wall. This show is supposed to be about horny half naked morons in a house, not who makes the best air dancing troupe.

Oh wait, this just got even better. Now Michael and Holly, because they won, get to pick the couple to go against in the final, and eliminate the other couple. So the wall dancing effectively eliminated TWO couples. What was all this strategy for? They should've been working on their dance steps 50 feet in the air.

Who are Michael and Holly gonna choose? Well, the smart pick is Kasey and Vienna, because who would vote for them? But since they are butt buddies with Graham and Michelle, of course it's gonna be them.

Kasey and Vienna got screwed because they finished second, according a panel of Ali, Jason, and Trista. Did anyone think this through at all?

Makes me sick watching Graham Bunnz make a speech about friendship over money, when he's the guy who sold everyone out to Kasey in the beginning. Shut up. And you're not a professional basketball player and you never were and you're totally losing your looks.

No big surprise, Michael and Holly don't choose Kasey and Vienna. I hate being on their side, but I have to be, because this is some stupid shit. They played it well the whole time, only to have it be undone by choreography.

PART II

Everyone from the Pad is reunited live on stage. And first things first, Chris starts questioning Ames and Jackie. Are they still together? Ha ha ha. Yeah, they're together like Julia Roberts and Rupert Everett in "My Best Friend's Wedding".

Jackie is confused. She was blindsided. She didn't get out of bed for a week. Hey, in fairness, neither did Ames. But he was in bed with a young Thai boy at the time.

I still got it.

Gia with the horrible bangs and hair color. She must go to Ashley's guy.

It's weird, Vienna had a nose job but she looks exactly the same. Yet her profile is a little different, a little better. But straight on, she's the same old frightening to look at Vienna.

The audience is just openly booing and hissing Vienna. Enjoyable. Maybe Jake did accomplish his goal, he is now off the hook. He's still gay as shit and a dork, but off the hook nonetheless.

Kasey issues an apology to Jake and says, "clearly there are two sides to every story". A clear recognition that he now understands that girlfriend is a psychopath.

Finally, the real moment America's been really waiting for: after showing some clips where Justin "Rated R" makes fun of Kasey's voice, Kasey says he doesn't like to talk about it, but he has a speech impediment. Chris jumps on this, obviously dying to finally discuss it. "You have a speech impediment?" But Kasey doesn't give any more info. There you go, everyone, he's not deaf. And he's not a blood relative to a frog. He has a made up speech problem.

Kasey is not proud of his performance on the show. In particular, how Vienna treated him. This is interesting, because I have an inside scoop: my friend spotted Kasey and Vienna in Santa Monica last night and they were holding hands and together and happy as can be. So I guess he realized he can't do any better. I still say he should go for a hot deaf girl who can't tell the difference.

William has spoken more on here than he did the entire season.

Blake has more makeup and product on his face than Erica. Scary. Have you ever seen a dentist like this? My dentist is a 60 year old Jew.

Blake calls not taking Melissa on the date to Mammoth "the best decision I've ever made". Well, he was talking about taking Holly, but Chris made it sound like it was a burn on Melissa.

And Blake announces that he and Holly are moving in together in South Carolina. Everyone there looks depressed with jealousy. Why can't it be them? Cause you're all damaged goods with plastic surgery and failed careers.

Then there's a filmed bit where we see Blake propose to Holly. So fake and weird. Why did they do this? Just say what happened, filming it makes it seem completely retarded. It almost feels like The Bachelor wants to take credit for this. Like, we may have some failures, but Blake and Holly is a success story that we produced!

The final 2 couples come out. And they pretend that Michael is just finding out that Holly and Blake got engaged. There's all kinds of prompted audience shots of looks of surprise. It's really bad. Michael has to act, and this whole show is going down in flames. They keep trying to make things more dramatic, but the realness is good enough.

Okay, seeing Ella post op for the first time. Taking it in. Yikes. Crazy lips. Crazy boobs. Everything seems bigger. It's like looking at her through a magnifying glass. A magnifying glass that makes things bigger and uglier.

Graham is wearing a bow tie. Even worse, he's still with Michelle.

Michelle breaks down about her dad dying. Is that just a ploy for the cash?

The funniest part on the show, the couples beg for votes and explain why they "deserve" the money. They talk about what they brought to the challenges. Yeah, kissing someone with a blindfold on took talent! That deserves a cash reward!

Everyone ignores the fact that Michelle's dad died of a horrible bone cancer and instead vote for Holly and Michael. And now they have to do that thing where they each write down either "share" or "keep". If they both pick "share", they share the money. If they both pick "keep", they don't get anything and it's split amongst the housemates. If one person picks share and the other picks "keep", the one who picked "keep" gets all the money. Get it?

Now, they knew this was coming because they did the same thing last year. So my theory is that they did this whole fake engagement bullshit to make it seem like there's a chance Michael will choose "keep". That's the only explanation and definitely what happened.

No surprise, they both choose share. All ends well. Except for with Michael, who will now die sad and alone with only his money and what's left of his hair to comfort him.

And then they bring out stupid, boring Ben F., the next Bachelor. And America turns the channel.

Sorry it was so late, goodnight!

I Finally Admit I Was Wrong About Bangs

2011-09-19T15:00:00.001-07:00

Ashley has never looked more beautiful.

2011 TV Show Guide

2011-09-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

It's a tradition like no other: every September I look through what I plan to watch as the new TV season starts. Usually, 70% of those plans fall through due to cancellation (rip Smith), disinterest (Hawaii Five-0), or Zooey Deschanel (New Girl).

But alas, we do it anyway. Every year there's renewed hope that somewhere among these offerings is a "Lost" or a "Boardwalk Empire" or anything on CBS I'd be willing to watch for more than 2 seconds.

Before we get started, one thing should be noted: I realized last year that I cannot watch procedurals. I tried Hawaii Five-0, and while I respect it, a "monster a week" format just does not interest me. It's essentially the same episode every time. I need arcs!

Without further ado, this is the 2011 Irwin Handleman TV Show Guide. Let's begin!

SUNDAY

Sunday is by far the strangest day of the week for my TV viewing. The reason: HBO. It doesn't follow the traditional schedule for programming shows. Thus, some times during the year Sunday is the greatest night on TV, and other times, it's weak. Also, football. Sunday night football is a staple in the Handleman household, as is 60 Minutes. So what else is there?

RETURNING SHOWS

THE AMAZING RACE

Ever since my buddy Victor won this show, I've been a regular viewer. It's all right. I'm not a rabid fan, but it's not a bad way to spend 40 minutes (it must be watched with the ability to fast forward) while eating some of my traditional Sunday night barbecue.

BOARDWALK EMPIRE

I fucking love this show. Many people bailed on it because it started slow. But trust me, it got good. Really good. Let's hope the 2nd season continues the momentum that was building last year.

THE NEW GUY

PAN AM

A very interesting development this year is the big networks trying to rip off Mad Men. There are a few period dramas where there were none before. I guess they're not understanding that Mad Men gets shitty ratings. No one watches that show. But hey, Entertainment Weekly talks about it so it must be a hit! And how can middle America not jump on board a show about stewardesses in the early '60's?

The show is based on a real stewardess and her experience back in the 1960's. Historical events, like the JFK assassination will play apart in the character's lives. Gee, sounds familiar.

But I will give it a shot.

WHAT I DON'T WATCH BUT PROBABLY SHOULD

THE GOOD WIFE

I guess this show moved time slots, because I know it used to be Tosh.0's competition. We used to always scheme on how to take down that God Damn Julianna Margulies. But now, it's on Sundays.

I was kind of excited about this show when it started, but I watched the pilot and 2nd episode and wasn't impressed. However, it has gotten really good and people rave about it. I think Six, the handicapped quarterback from Friday Night Lights showed up and things got interesting.

Still, I'm not watching it. It's Sunday! There's too much to do.

THE SUNDAY MIND BLOWER

Desperate Housewives is still on the air.

MONDAY

Monday Night Football has always made this a difficult night for half the year.

RETURNING SHOWS

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER/2 AND A HALF MEN/HAWAII FIVE-0/DANCING WITH THE STARS/HOUSE/CASTLE

I don't watch any of these shows, and I'm pretty proud of it.

THE NEW GUYS

TERRA NOVA

This is our "Lost" hopeful of the season. There's always one. Spielberg is involved. So is time travel, dinosaurs, and that scary older guy from Avatar.

It's about a group of people from the future who go back in time to escape overpopulation and a polluted world to start over in the age of dinosaurs. That's a tough premise to pull off on network TV.

This show would probably be the most hyped of the season if it weren't for one thing: a plagued production. A lot has gone wrong in the making of this show, and it's got the label of "bomb" that it can't escape. But hey, so did Titanic and, well, Avatar, and those did okay.

I will be watching this. I want to see if they can pull it off, and how this can be a weekly show on Fox.

THE PLAYBOY CLUB

The other Mad Men show. I have no idea why everyone is hating on it. I'm a sucker for this genre shit, and I will be giving it a shot, Eddie Cibrian be damned!

THE NEW GUYS I DON'T CARE ABOUT

HART OF DIXIE

Summer from the OC paired up with the creator of the OC? Sounds like a CW's executive dream team! Unfortunately, it's not 2004 anymore, bitch. And Josh Schwartz can blow me.

2 BROKE GIRLS

This is a sitcom that people seem to be high on. It's from the famed writing duo of Michael Patrick King (the Sex and the City guy) and Whitney Cummings. I'll get to Whitney in a bit. But I won't be watching cause it's a comedy on CBS.

THE MONDAY MIND BLOWER

More people want to watch George Clooney's girlfriend ballroom dance than watch just about anything else on TV.

TUESDAY

Tuesday is bleak, people. Well, except for one shining beacon of light. A ray of hope in comedy. An unstoppable force of nut shots and puke.

RETURNING SHOWS

Tosh.0.

THE NEW GUYS I DON'T CARE ABOUT

NEW GIRL

Zooey Deschanel. Enough said.

LAST MAN STANDING

Tim Allen is back! Too bad it's not 1998. And have you seen a rerun of Home Improvement lately? Yikes. That show didn't even hold up while it was still on the air.

This was one of the worst pilot scripts of the year.

MAN UP

ABC has devoted a comedy block to this and Tim Allen's show. Look everyone, it's men who are pussies! I don't know much about this one, but it's about three 30 something guys who have trouble being real men...or something.

UNFORGETTABLE

I'm so bummed they didn't stick with their original title, "The Rememberer". That was my favorite title of the year, possibly of all time. Finally, a show that needs Marilu Henner as a consultant.

WHAT I DON'T WATCH BUT PROBABLY SHOULD

PARENTHOOD

I've heard this is good, and it's by the guy who did Friday Night Lights. I just never got into it.

THE TUESDAY MIND BLOWER

Sara Michelle Gellar is still alive.

WEDNESDAY

RETURNING SHOWS

MODERN FAMILY

This is more of a polarizing show than people think. Some people love it. And the people that love it make the people that don't like it, hate it even more. I'm fine with it, though I don't watch it regularly. And it bothers me that they use the same mockumentary crutch that is used on The Office and Parks and Rec. Those gay guys are good, but I hate that Mexican kid.

THE NEW GUYS

UP ALL NIGHT

Christina Applegate? Okay. Wil Arnett? Sweet! What could possibly go wrong? Oh yeah, their previous attempts at sitcoms.

I've heard good things though, and I'm giving this one a chance.

THE NEW GUYS I DON'T CARE ABOUT

FREE AGENTS

Hank Azaria and that funny lady from Step Brothers star in an adaptation of a British show. Doesn't look good.

THE X FACTOR

Pretty shrewd move by Fox. "We love American Idol, but it's only on for half the year. Let's just do another American Idol and call it something else. Genius!" No thank you.

THE WEDNESDAY MIND BLOWER

The show H8R is "from the mind of Mario Lopez..."

THURSDAY

RETURNING SHOWS

30 ROCK/THE OFFICE

I find these shows pretty much unwatchable these days. 30 Rock in particular. It's just a joke factory with no backbone, no believability, and nothing to come back for.

The choice of James Spader to replace Carell on The Office was pretty bold, and pretty great. Maybe it can be "Kirstie Alleyed".

PARKS AND REC/COMMUNITY

"Hip" people tell me that these are the funniest shows on TV. If that's the case, then we are in deep shit.

It's very interesting that the host of The Soup, Joel Mchale, would end up on a sitcom that exists only to make pop cultural references. There is probably more of an ongoing plot of The Soup than Community.

And Parks and Rec has really funny people on it and is okay. I'm not a regular viewer, but I enjoy Adam Scott and Poehler. But again: mockumentary crutch and too much 30 Rock style wackiness.

THE NEW GUYS I WANT TO CARE ABOUT BUT CAN'T BECAUSE THEY ARE PROCEDURALS

PERSON OF INTEREST

This is from some of the people who did "Lost", and stars Ben Linus and the guy who played Jesus. The premise is like Minority Report. Might be good, but it's a different bad guy every week type of show.

PRIME SUSPECT

I love Maria Bello. Unfortunately, it's a procedural too.

CHARLIE'S ANGELS

I really love Minka Kelly, but for different reasons. This show is going to be awful, and we all know it. But at least Minka is single again!

THE SHOW I WANT TO MAKE FUN OF BUT CAN'T BECAUSE MY FRIEND IS WRITING ON IT AND I HAVE TO ROOT FOR IT EVEN THOUGH THE COMMERCIALS MAKE THAT REALLY HARD

WHITNEY

Oh, Whitney. This is a tough one. Let's be honest, the commercials and advertising for this show are brutal. Isn't marketing supposed to help matters? It's doing the opposite.

NBC is clearly super high on this show, and yet everyone else who sees snippets of it hates its guts. Why the disparity? Are they overestimating Whitney's appeal? Is it secretly awesome when you watch the entire thing? We'll have to wait to find out.

The thing is though, I've learned you can't always trust a pilot. It's such a flawed process. The NBC executives are chiming in with a million notes. Everything is scrutinized way too much. But now they have an amazing writing staff and a little bit of freedom to make the show they want to make. Not a show that is designed to "test well".

Here's my beef with Whitney Cummings though, which has nothing to do with this show in particular but involves plenty of bitterness:

Whitney Cummings has 2 sitcoms on the air. This one (which she stars in and 2 Broke Girls, which she is producing). She also has a talk show in development at E! Now that's fine, I'm not a hater. That's wonderful. But here's what I do have a problem with:

She is an executive producer on all 3 shows. An executive producer! It would be one thing if someone had developed a show, and then chosen her to be the star. That would've been great and totally understandable. But no. These networks are choosing her to executive produce these shows, to be responsible for their quality.

What track record does she have? Who is she to be an EP? She's never been on a show in her life, much less been a writer or a producer on one. Oh, she told a couple of roast jokes? That qualifies her to be the next Chuck Lorre or Greg Daniels? Then Lisa Lampenelli must be Aaron fucking Spelling!

The fact is, I have a better track record than Whitney does at making a successful show. So do a million other writers. This doesn't make sense. She doesn't know what she is doing. She is a stand up comedian, she is not a show runner. I am angry.

But anyway, good luck with your show! I hope it's a giant success! And the crazy part is, because of my buddy, I actually mean that.

THE THURSDAY MIND BLOWER

The amount of current starring cast members on Grey's Anatomy right now. There were less performers in Cats.

FRIDAY

THE ONLY SHOW ON FRIDAY THAT MATTERS

SHARK TANK!!!

SATURDAY

TV takes the night off.

THE SHOW I'M MOST EXCITED ABOUT

HOMELAND (it's on Showtime)

It stars Claire Danes and Damian Lewis, and is about an Iraq POW who everyone thought was dead, who comes back as a hero but might've been turned into a terrorist. The trailer for this show is amazing.

It premieres on October 2nd.

MIDSEASON SHOWS TO (POSSIBLY NOT) WATCH

AWAKE

This was the best pilot script I read, and it's by the guy who did my favorite show from last year, the ill fated Lone Star. I miss you, Lone Star.

For some reason, they're saving it for midseason. Sadly, it is a procedural. But I will be watching this one to see if they can actually do more than 3 episodes of it without the whole thing falling apart.

WORK IT

Awake was the best, Work It was the worst. This is the show about 2 guys who dress as women in order to be pharmaceutical reps. You read that correctly. Somewhere, Tom Hanks is rolling around in his chin fat.

Enjoy...and let me know your favorites or if I missed anything.

Buckle Your Seatbelts

2011-09-18T09:37:00.001-07:00

Flurry of posts ahead. I'm back.

ASU Insanity

2011-09-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

We're having a great time at ASU this week, it should be a crazy show. The students appear happy to see us. And they expressed it by chasing after Daniel in a frenzied mob.

I had no idea Captain America was a Sun Devil.

Sorry About the Bachelor Pad Finale

2011-09-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't make it. What can I say? I forgot that in Arizona, prime time starts at 7 and the local news starts at 10. What a retarded, old person state. Fact is, I probably wouldn't have made it anyway. I worked from about 7am to 10:40pm. So I would've had 20 minutes.

But I've heard things...

First of all, and most importantly, Kasey finally acknowledged the frog voice! How brutal is it that this moment, a moment that I've been waiting years for, happened and I missed it? Life just isn't fair.

So he says it's a speech impediment? Is that real? You can have an impediment that makes you sound like a deaf guy? I guess I think of that as more of a stutter type of thing. But okay. When I get back from this trip I'm going to do some heavy research into this.

Second of all, I heard Ella's boobs are gigantic and she looks good. So I guess Erica's dad has his first success story.

Third, Holly and Michael shared the money, but Holly and Blake are engaged, and the engagement thing felt staged and weird. I'm going to have to watch to confirm, but sounds lame. Still, I think they deserve each other, and they did seem genuinely infatuated last week. I'm a believer.

And fourth, Jackie can't figure out why it didn't work out with Ames? Really? You can't put your finger on that one? He had to run off on one of his solo missions to the Far East and you're still drawing a blank?

Okay, that's it. Hopefully I'll get to watch soon. I apologize again.

One last thing: I know it was just 9/11 and everything, but that being said: fuck American Airlines and every fat black lady that works for them. They suck.

Also, being back on my old college campus is depressing. I can't believe I'm this old, and I can't believe I went to school with these maniacs.

Bachelor Pad Emergency Notice

2011-09-11T20:11:00.001-07:00

Well friends, we've got our selves a tough situation. I am going to Arizona tomorrow for the Tosh Campus Invasion. I'll be there all week shooting bits and then taping the episode.

So?

So the Bachelor Pad finale is tomorrow night. All 3 hours of it. And I don't know if I'm going to be able to watch it.

I don't know what to say, it's a tough one. My best guess is I will be able to see the last part of the finale, maybe from 10-11, and I'll do what I can with that. Sorry, my other job pays a little better than my recap duties do.

See you from Arizona tomorrow....

Society Should Live By These Rules

2011-09-09T14:19:00.001-07:00

Quick Bachelor Pad Update

2011-09-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

It's been a brutal week. And not just for me (hope to have updates soon).

People magazine has come out with some big Bachelor Pad bombshells. It appears they have been timed to hype up the finale on Monday. And it's working.

First, they are reporting that Blake and Holly are engaged. That's right, America's sweethearts are finally together forever. Aren't you so happy for them?

Hey, I told you I saw love there. Some of you didn't believe it, you thought Blake was playing "the game". But that dude was glowing when he was around her, no idea why, but he was. And allegedly, it's for real.

The other piece of news is a whole lot worse. It concerns Ella. Our dear, adorable, mom murdered right in front of her, Ella.

Since the show ended, she has met with the true villain of Bachelor Pad. The person who is the most evil on the entire show. I'm not talking about Kasey, I'm not even talking about Vienna, I'm talking about Erica's plastic surgeon father.

Fuck that guy!

Unfortunately, Erica is just coming on these shows to whip up business for her Edward Scissorhands father. And Ella is his latest victim.

She has had 5 surgeries since the show, including her boobs and face. Why? What about just taking care of your kid? Or tracking down the man who shot your mother? Find the real killers, don't find a new face!

So sad. Anyway, we will all see the results of Dr. Giggles' handiwork on Monday. Let's just hope he didn't give her the Erica lip job.

Luis, The Custodian UPDATE

2011-09-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

Last I told you, Luis the Custodian was halting his work to come play in our weekly pickup games. Well, there's been a situation.

Luis joined us again recently. We were playing as usual - he was forgetting who he was supposed to guard and not running up and down the court. But suddenly, we realized that Luis really wasn't trying. In fact, Luis wasn't moving.

We called for him, "Lewis!". But he wouldn't move. It was right in the middle of the game, and yet he wouldn't come play. We've put up with his lack of effort before, but this was ridiculous. And that's when we saw it...

The apartment Manager. He was upstairs where the court is, giving prospective tenants a tour.

And that's why Luis wasn't moving. He was hiding. He had his back to the manager, trying his best not to get seen. I'm not sure if he did get spotted, but our yelling "Lewis! Lewis!" over and over again probably didn't help.

After the manager passed by, Luis just walked off the court without a word and took his garbage can with him. And he hasn't been seen since.

Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 5

2011-09-05T20:35:00.000-07:00

Bachelor Pad, a Labor Day tradition like no other...

If these motherfuckers don't vote off Vienna and Kasey this week, they are as crazy as Melissa's crying face.

After the last vote, Chris comes in to tell them they have to "couple up". Oh, I thought they already had to do that. He hints, "by the way, the person you choose, you might want to get to know them". Thanks to the latest developments in teaser technology, we know that they are going to do the newlywed game tomorrow.

Well, everyone already has a partner, so really it's just Erica and Blake realizing they have no other options. Sorry buddy, Holly's not going with you, I think she knows Michael a little better.

Erica claims that she's much prettier than Holly and "a lot smarter". As a rule, no one with fake lips is prettier than any girl with real lips, that's how anti-fake lip I am.

Kasey says that he and Vienna are going to win easily because "she's my girlfriend, I've known her a long time". Well, not that long. I mean, didn't she break up with Jake on TV not that long ago and cheat on him with like a hundred guys? And then he says "it's so close, I can smell it" then puts two fingers up to his nose and takes a whiff. At least one of his senses works.

The Nearly Wed game begins. First question: how many dates does your partner need before making whoopee?

Kirk guesses 5 for Ella and he's right. And then, in the best moment of tonight's show, Vienna guesses "22". 22!!! What the hell? She is truly bat shit crazy. The correct answer, according to Kasey, is 7. That bitch put out in the fantasy suite for Jake, that was date 2 at most. Date 22, fuck off.

Another question: which part of your body do you think your exes miss the most about you?

Vienna says "boobs", Kasey says "teeth". Ha! Teeth. That's Vienna's best quality, he finally got something right.

If your partner could sleep with one other person in the house, who would that be? Holly answers Blake. Michael holds up his sign, and it says "me/Michael". I don't think he understood the question. But even if it was the question he thought it was, he'd still be wrong.

Who is your partner's least favorite person in the house? Everyone says Blake. Well, except Holly.

How many people has your partner had sex with? Graham says 7. What? That seems like a small number for that dude. I wouldn't be surprised if he had 7 in that house.

How old was your partner when they lost their virginity? Blake says 16 and Erica got it right. Then Kasey says he was 21! Of course he was, and it was with a hooker or a someone who knows sign language. Or Miss Piggy.

Graham announces that he was "7". Ahhh, so that's what going on. Their strategy was if there's a number, they just say 7. Smart. Also, if it's about a guy, they say Mike, and a bunch of other "codes". Dammit, I can't believe they actually thought of that, and neither can the producers.

But on the last question, Michelle forgets the code and blows it. That's the level of intelligence I was expecting. On the tiebreaker though, Blake and Erica miss it and Graham and Michelle get it right. They win. Hooray for cheating.

The Bachelor Copter arrives to take Graham and Michelle on their date to see...Paramount Pictures in association with Dreamworks present the feature film "What's your number?", starring Ana Faris. Graham has heard it's "extremely good". Seamless integration.

Back at the house, Vienna and Kasey get in another fight. They're like the poor man's Sammie and Ronnie, and that's sad. At least Ronnie has the decency to knock people out and be entertaining. Supposedly, Vienna wouldn't have sex with Kasey so he ripped the infamous promise ring off of her finger. I guess he thought that promise involved coitus.

Vienna says "no means no!" So Kasey starts listing all of the people Vienna has banged. Not sure what that proves, but I think he means that if girls have sex with some men, then they have to have sex with all men. Makes sense.

Kasey has to beg Vienna to "snuggle" with him. He says "it's not easy dating her, but I love her". Then they cut to an odd black and white shot of them in bed, Kasey on top of her, and she says "let's just get it over with". This show has taken us from the fantasy suite to the reality suite. And that reality involves sexual assault.

Erica and Blake get to go on a date because they were in 2nd place. Their date card says "your mission is romance". Erica plans to "seduce him", and tells us that she's horny and hopes to end up in the "missionary" position. She's about as subtle as her clown mouth.

It's so funny to watch Blake, who thought he was making all of these moves, end up with Melissa and now Erica. Try to remember, dude, you were rejected by Ashley. Your game is weak, but you can root the hell out of a canal.

They sit down at dinner and discover 2 roses at their table. That would be so awesome if Chris came out and said "you will get these roses and be safe from elimination, but only if you have sex tonight". Now that would be good television.

But no, they get to save another couple from elimination, but not themselves. They think this puts them in a strategic position, but why would it? They are the only ones who are getting eliminated tonight.

I'm enjoying this awkward date. Blake is so uncomfortable. Erica is so proud in her whoredom, and I have to say, I respect it. Don't hide, girl, get yours.

Blake keeps trying to tell her that they should go home, and she keeps saying that they are going to spend the night and "bond". With girls like this, you cannot say it too explicitly.

Erica says "you need to take these pillow lips for a test run". She wouldn't be more blatant if she was holding a giant sign that said "Let me suck your dick!"

Ella is so pretty.

So many good Erica quotes:

"Blake tells me that me telling the girls that I was bringing my sexy lingerie is like if he told the guys he was bringing condoms...and I agree and I wish that he had"

"You're worried about your reputation, and that's annoying"

Erica says that she's not the one who needs to worry about her reputation. She's right, she will be known as a sex crazed, balloon lipped hooker and nothing can change that.

Blake and Erica start spreading the word about their roses. Kasey jumps all over it and says "give us the roses and you will be safe. I guarantee it". Why would they even tell him? Just go behind their backs and turn everyone against them, so stupid!

Then everyone gathers and they announce their decision. They give the roses to...Kasey and Vienna!

What the fuck?!? God dammit, I am so angry right now. Why are these people so dumb? Nothing makes sense. I could give a shit about Kasey's stupid dying grandma, Ella needs to put a roof over her son's head, and Kirk needs the mold removed from his house.

Vienna makes fun of Ella for telling her sob story, and explains that she would never tell her story, and then proceeds to tell her story.

Blake and Holly make out at the house in front of Michael, that's a little rude. But also makes Michael go talk to Graham and cry about it, and talks Graham into voting out Blake. Dumb.

Blake finds out, and goes to Holly and pleads his case, so then she has to go talk Michael into keeping Blake! Yeah, that should go well. "Not only am I banging your arch enemy, I need you to keep him here another week so I can keep banging him". There's a conversation you never think you'll have to have.

I kind of like Blake and Holly as a couple though, they seem like they really like each other.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It's all down to Holly, she's the deciding vote because Michael has left it in her hands. Her new boy toy, or single mom Ella and disease ridden Kirk?

And the couple going home is...BLAKE AND ERICA.

Nice job, dick. The Kasey guarantee isn't what you thought it was, huh? Retard.

Next week: the season finale. And I'm guessing it's 3 hours long. That's gonna be my real Labor day. Shit.

I Wish I Was Smart Enough to Have Written This

2011-09-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

A recently retired, and supposedly well respected Republican staffer wrote an amazing piece on the state of politics. I started reading it and getting angry, because I wish I had wrote it. I agree with every word. Especially this:

How do they manage to do this? Because Democrats ceded the field. Above all, they do not understand language. Their initiatives are posed in impenetrable policy-speak: the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. The what? - can anyone even remember it? No wonder the pejorative "Obamacare" won out. Contrast that with the Republicans' Patriot Act. You're a patriot, aren't you? Does anyone at the GED level have a clue what a Stimulus Bill is supposed to be? Why didn't the White House call it the Jobs Bill and keep pounding on that theme?

And this:

The media are also complicit in this phenomenon. Ever since the bifurcation of electronic media into a more or less respectable "hard news" segment and a rabidly ideological talk radio and cable TV political propaganda arm, the "respectable" media have been terrified of any criticism for perceived bias. Hence, they hew to the practice of false evenhandedness. Paul Krugman has skewered this tactic as being the "centrist cop-out." "I joked long ago," he says, "that if one party declared that the earth was flat, the headlines would read 'Views Differ on Shape of Planet.'"

But really, you gotta read the whole thing. You can check it out here.

Luis, The Custodian

2011-08-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

I play in a regular basketball game every Saturday. It's a loose collection of guys, who show up and play at a court that's inside a large apartment complex. Everyone knows each other and it's all very pleasant and there aren't arguments or fights like you have to worry about at normal pickup games.

Very recently, we've had a new guy start showing up. I first saw him wheeling around a trash can. That's cause he's the apartment complex's janitor.

He stopped outside our court, watching our game. After a game ended and we took a break, he came onto the court and started shooting. And then he motioned like, "can I play?" We said "sure".

He played. In his jeans. With a heavy work shirt on. Luckily, he removed the giant ring of a hundred keys from his pants first.

His name is Luis. And I get kick out of the fact that all of the white dudes I play with call him "Lewis".

Over the next couple weeks, he became a regular. And we hated it. Not cause we're anti janitor, on the contrary, but because Luis doesn't hustle. He doesn't play defense. He forgets who he is guarding. He claps for the ball and then doesn't pass it back. On many possessions he doesn't even cross half court. He's fat and out of shape, our game might be the only exercise he gets all week, aside from chasing around his 5 kids. And that's not racist, cause he actually has 5 kids cause one day he brought them.

Now when he comes to work, he makes sure to wear jean shorts and a wife beater, and three less necklaces than he usually wears. He comes ready to play.

Well, this weekend, he didn't show up. And we were happy. Until...

Right before we were about to start playing, the manager of the apartment complex made an unexpected appearance. He walked onto the court very sternly. I thought he was coming to tell us that he fired Luis. Or better yet, Luis tore his ACL.

But this is what he said:

"Hey guys, it's fine that you all play here and everything, but the last few weeks you've left a bunch of water bottles and trash on the court, and we can't have that. So make sure you clean it up up here when you're done"

We were speechless. None of us knew what to say. I mean, it's impossible that the court would have garbage, we play with the God Damn janitor! He brings his giant yellow trash can with him on the court. It's almost impossible for us not to throw shit into that ridiculously sized tub.

But if we said that we'd rat Lewis out.

Of all the things that manager could come up to tell us, it's amazing that it would have to do with garbage clean up. It seems like that would be the one thing we had in our pocket. It's like being best friends with the chief of police and not being able to get out of a speeding ticket.

But we stayed quiet. We so wanted to say something, it was our chance to rid our game of Luis forever! But it was not to be, because if there's one thing our group lives by, it's the omerta code.

Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 4

2011-08-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

Long day of shooting today, I apologize for my lack of energy...

If you recall, last week ended with Chris saying "Kasey" and then the screen going to black, Sopranos style (by the way, how angry would David Chase be if he knew anyone was comparing Bachelor Pad to The Sopranos?). Which meant that Kasey was staying and Jake was going home. That's where we pick things up.

Jake says some parting words, and Kasey says "kick rocks, dude" a lot. Not only does he talk funny, as well as talking in a mumble you can't understand, he also uses strange expressions like "kick rocks" and "alligator blood". It's a jumbalaya of incoherence.

Oh, the look on Vienna's face, so annoying. She really deserves to have bad things happen to her. Even worse things than the nose God gave her. Michelle does a strange chicken walk in celebration. Even when I hated Michelle before, I at least respected her alpha dog status. But seeing her now as Vienna's brainwashed bitch, it's just sad. It's like if Dick Cheney took a job as Obama's secretary.

The competition this week is the much vaunted Kissing Contest. You may remember that they did this last year and Gia cried, because of her beloved boyfriend who she later cheated on with Wes (and then later cried when Wes cheated on her with Vienna. Ah, the circle of sluts).

Anyway, a person gets blindfolded, and then gets kissed by everyone else. The blindfolded person then rates who kissed them the best.

Chris gleefully announces it, and then immediately Kasey and Vienna announce that they're not doing it. Neither is Michelle, because apparently when they implanted her boobs they exported her brain. Her empty head is now being operated by Vienna.

Blake feels like this is his event because he is a whore for money. He will kiss or fuck anyone for cash, and proves it by tonguing down Holly (right in front of her fiance), gross ass anorexic Melissa, and Ella. But remember, he probes young women's mouths for a living, he's a dentist.

Oh, wait. Vienna is doing this. This is where I feel bad for the guys. They claim they're holding back because of Kasey, but we all know it's because she's hideous.

Ella looks like the makeout queen. Michelle claims she's not doing this because of her kid, but I love the fact that Ella doesn't give a shit. Fuck that kid, I'm gettin' mine.

Ha! The girls are all grossed out by Kasey's awful breath. Dude, maybe he seriously has an ear, nose, and/or throat problem. Something is not right up in there, I'm telling you, this has to be yet another symptom.

Hold the phone, so I guess no one was serious about not doing this except for Michelle.

All of the guys know which one Erica is because her giant boobs can't help but rub up against them. Also because her lips are not made of actual lip.

Chris announces that the final vote was not even close. An overwhelming majority voted for...Ella and Blake. And that's kinda the way it looked. Ella says "my son would be very proud". Yeah, I'm sure he's gonna tell all of his friends all about how his mom caught mono on national TV.

I wish Ames had been here for that competition. No one can awkwardly kiss someone and make me so uncomfortable the way he can.

Ella gets to choose one person for the date, and she picks...Kirk. They drive off in a Ferrari, and of course cheese ball William is jealous. Not of the date, of the car. How is he still here again?

Blake is a complete douche snake, but I sorta feel bad for him. He's got Melissa yapping in his ear about taking her on the date. She's a psycho, but he has to hang onto her just to stay on the house a little while longer. What should he do? I say screw it, pick Holly, enjoy your life for 2 seconds, and go home. You're not winning this thing anyway.

Back on Kirk and Ella's date, they trade sob stories about near death experiences and mothers being shot in front of children. It's sad. I have to say, if these two won I wouldn't be mad at all. Ella has moved into the #1 position of my who would I bone list.

They go on the Bachelor Balloon and make out.

Back at the house, Erica busts out her boobs and some massage oils to try and convince Blake to choose her for the date. This is actually a smart move. Blake needs someone else to be coupled up with, and Erica would provide an alternative to Melissa. As Blake says, she makes a compelling argument.

Finally, it's time for him to choose. Melissa? Erica? Holly? He chooses...Holly. Thank you. It's drama time, this is what the Pad is all about.

Melissa: "That's fucked up...You made me 800 promises! You pinky sweared!" Oh well, if he pinky swore, that's legally binding.

There's kind of a funny scene where Melissa goes bonkers, and starts complaining to Michael. And Michael goes, "I was engaged to Holly!" As in, I was engaged to that girl and you met Blake two days ago, are you really the wronged party here? And then Melissa goes nutty on some yogurt.

After no one in the house will tell Melissa what she wants to hear, she goes back to see Blake. But he makes her wait 5 minutes while he finishes brushing his teeth. And they show the entire 5 minutes as she just stands here, watching him brush. It's nice to see the producers taking some creative chances with comedy...but don't push it.

Blake and Holly take a jet up to Mammoth to go skiing. Holly can't ski. Well, Melissa can't think rationally but she's still here, so deal with it.

Man, Blake is seriously in love. He's talking about her like she's "the one", and then they cut to a shot of him aggressively wrestling her to the ground. What is this, Clan of the Cave Bear?

This is probably the best case scenario for this show. Here you have two people starting up a relationship, going on actual romantic dates, while one of them has an ex back at the house getting pissed about it. These are the moments we live for.

Back at the house, Michael is freaking out. It's 2am, and they're still not home. And guess what? They're staying the night in Mammoth cause Holly doesn't want to leave. They edit it in such a way that infers that she takes it doggystyle from Blake.

The next morning...behold the power of going out with someone else: suddenly Michael is all over Holly and professing his love. Now he keeps saying that she's "irreplaceable". Shoulda thought of that before she got taken to pound town in the snow.

Holly: "you said you didn't want to be back together". Michael: "did anything happen?" Holly: "well..."

By the way, Michael is sporting a pretty bad comb over.

Kind of a relief to have an episode without too much of Kasey's talking, cause that requires a lot of reading of subtitles.

I want to like Holly, but her face keeps getting in the way.

Looks like it's going to be between Kasey and William for elimination. Kasey announces that he has "a really sneaky strategy" to make everyone vote for William. We then see him go up to Kirk and Ella and say:

"I'm not trying to sell a story...but just know that the money is necessary for my grandma to live"

Ha ha ha! His grandma is too big to fail, people. What a sneaky strategy. Who could possibly see through that? Oh yeah, these people can't, cause they're idiots.

On the girl's side, Melissa is going home, the first no doubter so far. Everyone is tired of sleeping with one bunny rabbit's eye open.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

The two people going home are...

WILLIAM and MELISSA

These people are certified loons. Really? You believe the Kasey grandma story? That's all it takes? I think we should be allowed to murder Kasey's grandma.

You know there are a bunch of evil fucks on this show when it takes this long to get rid of Melissa.

Funny shot of Melissa crying like a full blown retard.

Very disappointed: they didn't do the masked man ending this week. You have to stick to that bit, that's what made it good.

Sleepy time...

TV Recommendation: 24/7 Mayweather/Ortiz on HBO

2011-08-28T22:39:00.001-07:00

I'm a huge fan of the 24/7 series on HBO. It's a documentary style show where they follow two fighters in their training camp leading up to a big fight. The amazing part of it is that they are able to produce an episode every week, almost in real time. It airs on Saturday nights, and if something big happens on the day before, it will somehow be in that episode.

Even more amazing: the quality is ridiculous. The camera work and stuff they do is better than documentaries that take a year to produce. It's top quality shit.

Now normally, you'd think that this show would be just for people who like boxing. And it probably is. But the first episode of the Floyd Mayweather/Victor Ortiz was on last night and I think everyone would like it. It re-airs all this week so check it out.

Three things:

1) Floyd Mayweather is great television. He is a Vienna level reality TV star. You don't have to love boxing to love watching Floyd act crazy. There's a great sequence with Floyd and 50 Cent. Apparently, they are "best friends". And there's a funny moment where Floyd is talking about how much he loves 50 while 50 sits in front of him eating popcorn and not paying attention. You kind of have to see it.

2) Miss Jackson. She is going to be the breakout star of this edition. Who is Miss Jackson? Well, she is Floyd's fiance, and a possible clone of Robin Givens circa 1989.

You have to see this girl. As soon as she came on screen I said out loud "where do women like this come from?!"

She's beautiful, in a weird, perfect way. She also seems highly intelligent. Oh, and she's wearing a million dollar diamond ring given to her by a guy who punches people in the face for a living and can't stop getting arrested.

There is no way these two can be a couple, and yet, they are. Or they say they are.

Miss Jackson. I'm fascinated by her, and hope she gets a lot more screen time.

3) A big reason Floyd is so compelling is because of his dad, Floyd Sr., and there's a huge, awkward fight between them at the end of this first show.

Sr. is certifiably nuts, but he's a pretty great boxing trainer. He trained Floyd when he was little, but then Sr. went to jail. So Floyd's uncle Roger (who was also a great boxer) became his trainer and is still his trainer. Floyd has never lost a fight.

Now Sr. is out of jail, and he's trained Oscar De La Hoya among others, but Floyd Jr. won't take him back. He's sticking with Roger, and there's a three way love/hate triangle between them.

If Floyd is Vienna, Floyd Sr. is Kasey, but only because like Kasey, he has to be subtitled for us to know what the hell he's saying.

A Great Season of The Challenge Rivals Ended Last Night

2011-08-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you any of you took my advice and watched MTV's The Challenge: Rivals this season, but I hope you did. Cause it lived up to the hype.

First of all, let's talk about CT. CT is a guy who first appeared on The Real World. He's from Boston, and he's a large, intimidating man who reacts to everything by immediately throwing punches. He's sort of like the white Mike Tyson, except for even more frightening.

In fact, he's been unable to stay on board these challenge shows because he always resorts to punching people and they kick him off.

For example, he was on a few seasons ago and he threw a vicious right hand to this little guy Adam's eye...

This season, because it was rivals, he and Adam had to form a team and work together. CT managed to restrain himself, and would repeatedly ask Adam "are we pals yet?" and Adam would never give in.

But the real legend of CT occurred last season, which he wasn't even on. They brought him out especially for a final elimination. Two guys - Johnny and Tyler - were going to compete head to head and the loser went home.

So in a big surprise, CT comes out. Each guy had to strap his back to CT's back, and then the object was to drag the other guy to the other side. Whoever beat CT or lost to him the slowest, won.

I'm sure when they were planning this competition they thought it would be an exercise in crawling. It's not easy when there's a 220 pound man attached to you. Well, they didn't plan on CT.

Because in the greatest display of strength since Lamar Odom carried Khloe Kardashian over the threshold, he literally picked Johnny up like a backpack and walked with him.

There were no magic moments like that in this season, but there were some highlights. One of them was when about 4 of the guys (and by the way, all of the guys on this show take steroids and are big and strong) lifted this big statue thing and put it in a girl's bed as a joke.

When she told CT about it, he went over and picked the statue up, BY HIMSELF, and removed it. I guess this is how strong you can be when you have no ability to get a real job.

And then in the second to last episode - where he got eliminated - he put a Ronnie Lott style hit on Johnny and Tyler. They went flying, and he just stood there. It was awesome...

With CT gone, it seemed like the ending would be anticlimactic. Quite the contrary. This show has prided itself on making the final elimination challenge increasingly insane, and they outdid themselves here.

They basically had to climb up a mountain, but midway through, had to eat until they puked and then sleep out in the cold - one person was allowed to sleep for an hour while their teammate had to stand on a tiny rock. 2 of the teams gave up.

And then it was down to Team Johnny and Tyler vs. Team Wes and Kenny. As you know, Kenny aka Mr. Beautiful is my boy. He's handsome, he's funny, and he's a badass. He should be more famous, the fact that teenage girls would rather hang posters up of Rob Pattinson is the surest sign yet that America is on the decline.

For most of the season he has not been doing well. Wes was carrying them. But that all changed in the finale.

Wes had some sort of something bulging out of his knee. He was crying and screaming like a baby. Then Kenny, in a CT like Herculean move, picked up Wes, put him on his shoulders, and CARRIED HIM UP THE MOUNTAIN. Where's your book about that, John Kraukauer?!

We really need to start making this a sport. At the very least, it's a thousand times more entertaining than baseball. So if you watched it, please leave comments about your impressions of the show. If not, you probably have a life and you suck.

Ben F. Is the Next Bachelor

2011-08-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm hearing.

How terrible is this? Just the fact that we still have to call him "Ben F." is a pretty bad sign. He wasn't even a standout of the Bens!

This dude is boring. I mean, really, really boring. He brought nothing to the table. All he did was not be weird or gay. That's not an achievement.

What happened to getting guys with some personality? At least Ryan would bring some craziness. What would he be like with 25 girls? He's so desperate he'd fall in love with all of them and wouldn't want to eliminate anyone. It's still not good, but it's something.

Or Bentley...25 women who all hate his guts but secretly love him because women love assholes. That would be kinda cool, at least something to write about every week.

This Ben guy showed no ability to do or say anything funny or interesting. He was a nothing. And to prove it, he couldn't he even get Ashley.

I'm seriously questioning whether I continue on with this show this season. And I don't write that to try and get you to comment "stick with it!" or anything like that. It's just, this is awful. I don't know if I want to devote 2 hours to this every week.

Ben F. commits the worst sin of all in reality television: he offers nothing to make fun of. He's bad TV.

I'm going to have to seriously think about this.

Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 3

2011-08-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

I just learned that Vienna got her nose job done by Erica's dad, who also performed Erica's nose job. That's interesting. Guess we know why Erica is on Team Vienna, her dad needed the business.

We start the proceedings with crazy ass Melissa yelling at Blake. He played her. Yeah, he did, it's a competitive reality show, that's kinda the whole point. Also, they didn't cast you because of your looks, they cast you because you're out of your God Damn mind.

Melissa goes to Holly with it, and says she saw Holly and Blake flirting. Holly tries to calm Melissa down by explaining that she's a whore with all of the guys, so you can't blame Blake. She does have a point.

Kasey is extra unintelligible tonight. He says this about Jake: "we just want him to go home, but he won't go home. He's got alligator blood". Kasey has a frog voice so it's only natural that they're enemies.

Today's competition involves synchronized swimming. Vienna's excited because she was on the swim team in high school, and did dance and cheerleading. I'm guessing she was a base.

Chris: "who doesn't love synchronized swimming, right?" A nation of TV watchers just raised their hands.

Huge surprise: Erica is a piece of shit, she can't do anything. She can't dive. She can't dance, she can't follow directions, she can't talk without me wanting to punch her in the face.

Michelle says that "synchronized swimming is a lot harder than it looks". Actually, it looks really, really hard.

The guys wear speedos, and the girls cheer. They love looking at dick, apparently.

The judges are a synchronized swimming lady, and David and Natalie - last season's Pad winners. And after watching the girl's routine, I realize the producers ran out of competition ideas after the 2nd episode.

The guys are way better than the girls, with Jake and Michael the standouts. Erica remarks that Jake has a "large package", and says she is "secretly rooting for him". I guess we know what she looks for in a man.

The winner is...Michael, which probably spells doom for Jake. And for the girls...Michelle. Aw, poor Vienna. But she did stuff in high school! That has to count for something.

Whoa, Erica is really coming hard for Jake now. I guess she doesn't care that much about her dad's nose job business.

Uh oh, Vienna was impressed with Jake's synchronized swimming skills (and possibly his penis) and compliments him. Kasey is pissed, "she's being too nice!" He literally gets out 2 words to Vienna about it, and she breaks out into a crazy hissy fit "you swore to me that you would protect me and all you've been doing is getting mad at me about everything". I guess having "guard and protect your heart" as your catchphrase has its drawbacks.

They keep talking about protecting her. Why does Vienna need so much protection? She thinks she's fucking Obama or something. To go out with this girl you have to be in the Secret Service...and deaf...and probably blind.

For her date, Michelle chooses Graham, Kasey, and Blake. Last week, Blake fucked a girl for a rose. I'm not sure Michelle will be as compliant, plus, she's Graham Bunnz Bunn's girl.

Michelle pulls Blake aside to get to the bottom of the Melissa thing. But instead, she just talks the whole time. She says you need to fix it or else you're in trouble. He just goes along with it, instead of explaining that Melissa is a crazy bitch, probably because Michelle is a crazy bitch and wouldn't understand.

Michelle gets Graham alone and explains to us that she has a crush on him but isn't sure if he "is that into me". Ha. DeAnna felt the same way right before he dumped her blinky ass.

Graham uses the "I'm still not over my breakup with ex who is on All My Children" defense, and basically gets Michelle to agree to a just sexual relationship for now. Hey, when you're a single mom and a known psychopath, you readily accept the minimum.

Michael chooses...Ella, Vienna, and Holly. They go horseback riding, and have to wear helmets. Vienna complains the entire time, and even Ella, the nicest girl in the world, can't take it anymore.

There's a funny shot of Vienna bopping up and down on her horse, with her helmet and fake tits flying every which way. She needs little helmets for her boobs.

Poor Blake. Now he goes to Melissa and tries to make things better so he won't get voted out. He sucks it up, and of course tricks her into liking him again. She's like an even less attractive Ashley.

Michael and Holly have a moment together. I have no idea what's happening, but it appears that they love each other so much that they want nothing to do with each other.

Jake tries to pull Blake into his alliance to vote off Kasey and Vienna. Blake is skeptical. WHY??? What do you have to lose, you moron? It's either you or Jake out this week, so wake the fuck up. Jesus, I say no more dentists on this show. They suck.

I love watching Jake flirt it up with Erica. Score! You got the girl who the guys have deemed the most unattractive in the house. Finally, he takes the plunge and kisses her. Or, she kisses him. This is what she says:

"I definitely have good lips, that I maintain with getting injections every 6 months, and I'm a good kisser".

What's the record for most amount of money spent on someone's face and having it still look like that?

Michael gives Holly the rose, and then for no reason Bret Michaels shows up. I can't handle when reality shows cross the streams. Holly can't believe that Bret told her she's beautiful. Has she seen his show? Cause he tells the nastiest skanks in the world they're hot every second.

Take one guess as to what song Bret sings...

Yep, you got it.

There's a moment in the show you have to see. I know I talk about Kasey's voice a lot, but this one takes the cake and I have to mention it. He says to Vienna:

"I know how stressed you've been how stressed we've both been"

He says it in one breath and I had to rewind it 3 times to decode it.

He gives a speech, and then hands Vienna a box and the first thing she blurts out is "I don't want it to be an engagement ring!" Kasey is completely deflated. It really was rude and lame. And then he reveals a promise ring and she giggles "okay!". If I was Kasey, I would immediately take that ring back...and then get my ear, nose, and throat checked out by a board certified doctor.

Oh no! Kasey sings! It's so uncomfortable. Holy crap. I can't describe it. How does Vienna sit there and listen to that? He sounds like Michael McDonald having a stroke after suffering a hearing problem.

It appears that the worm has turned and Melissa might be gone. It's her or Erica, so Erica goes around trying to make sure it's not her. She spies on Melissa, and does a crab walk that she thinks no one can see, but her giant ass is about 6 feet in the air.

Erica does a brilliant job of making Melissa lose her mind. Actually, it's not that brilliant because it's the easiest thing to do in the world. Here's my list, from craziest to a tiny bit less crazy:

Melissa
Michelle
Vienna
Erica
Holly
Ella

Vienna is third on a list of crazy. Think about that.

Melissa cries to Jake. He says "let me guess, they're being mean again". From anyone else, that would've come across as sarcastic. But from this dweeb, it's as sincere as can be. Melissa wants to quit, but Jake tries to calm her down because he needs her to vote for Kasey.

I need to mention that William is flying so far under the radar that it's amazing. He hasn't said a word for 2 episodes, doesn't have a girl he's aligned with, and yet has never been mentioned as possibly being voted out.

Chris announces that tonight everyone will vote for one guy to leave and no girls.

Kasey believes he has all his ducks aligned to get rid of Jake. And he and his loyal stooges - Graham, Michelle, Holly, and Michael vote for Jake.

But as the vote is going on, Kasey and Vienna suddenly get word that people are (gasp!) voting for Kasey to go home. He is shocked that everyone could be so cruel and that Jake could be such a manipulator! Yeah, eat it, you frog voiced fuck.

Jake pulls Kasey aside and says it's down to us and good luck, etc. Oh man, I wish I was Jake right there. Cause if I was him and had the votes, I would've said "Kasey, it's been a good run. Unfortunately, you're going home tonight, but I promise you, I'm gonna stay here and fuck your girl".

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

And the man going home is...

JAKE

Wow, they had me going there. And it was a strange "Sopranos" style ending. As soon as Chris said "Kasey", it cut to black. And then they showed the masked guy frolicking in the pool. Very strange.

Shit, I thought they had Kasey's number tonight. What a bummer. Never thought I'd be pulling for Jake in anything, but that's why the Pad is great. Fortunes turn on a dime.

Goodnight.

The Blog Reaches Its Apex

2011-08-21T18:13:00.001-07:00

I got an interesting email this weekend. It was from Nick from The Bachelorette...

Of course, I immediately got scared. What did I say about this guy? What awful jokes were made? Is he one of the ones with a dead parent, because that would be bad.

So I quickly looked back at my recaps and I wasn't that mean to him. He didn't really do anything that embarrassing, so I was forced to make a few innocent jabs about his frosted tips and soul patch.

It turns out, he is a fan of the blog and wanted to let me know that he has checked out a lot of Bachelor blogs, and thinks mine is the funniest. He also said that he got rid of the frosted tips and the soul patch, though he stopped short of giving me full credit.

Needless to say, this is the most satisfying moment...in blog history!

I think we've all suspected at various times that some of these people were reading this. There was a nasty commenter a few weeks back I'm almost positive was either Ashley or even more likely, her evil bitch of a sister. But now we have actual confirmation that someone from the show was reading.

Nick also would like you to know that if he's invited to be on The Pad 3 next summer, he definitely will do it. So I think we all need to adopt him as our favorite. I almost want him to have an affair with Vienna just so we can ask him what the hell it is about her. Or at the very least, tell us what is wrong with Kasey's voice.

Irwin's Book Club: "Stories I Only Tell My Friends"

2011-08-17T23:06:00.001-07:00

I've been doing a lot of reading on my break, and I just finished another book. It was last on my list for a reason - I didn't think I was gonna like it. I've never really thought much about Rob Lowe, and thought it was odd that he would have a memoir.

But it turns, he's the perfect guy to have one.

As I read it, I kept getting reminded of another famous man's life. A man who bounced through history, repeatedly ran into people who would later become celebrities, and stumbled into amazing circumstances.

Rob Lowe is Forrest Gump. A slightly less retarded, great looking Forrest Gump.

It was hard for me to get into the book at first. As I said, I wasn't that gung ho about reading it. And Rob's use of present tense drove me nuts. It was an odd present tense too, he doesn't really stick with it. He starts chapters with, "I'm sitting on a plane, flying to Aspen, and thinking about how pretty I am for a man". But then he goes back to past tense for awhile, and then returns to it.

But soon, the book grabbed me, mostly because over and over again, he'd talk about some pretty girl he was checking out, and 3 pages later that girl turned out to be...Diane Lane! Or...Janet Jackson!

Every part of his life is like that, so you keep reading to find out who the hell he is talking about each time. This is my favorite one, but trust me, there are a million paragraphs like this:

"I decided to enter the school's annual "Turkey Trot", a big deal at Malibu Park. How fast can a race be with the words "turkey" and "trot" in its name, I figured. Turns out the answer is very, very fast. I was smoked by a kid a grade lower. The guy was a rocket; I mean he ran like he was Superman. Turns out he would actually become Superman, playing the Man of Steel on Lois & Clark, alongside Terry Hatcher. Dean Cain wasn't an actor then, he wasn't even thinking about being one."

It becomes so silly after awhile that it had me laughing. "We went swimming and she was so pretty, like a mermaid. And then I told her, 'Look, Darryl Hannah, are we gonna have sex or what?'"

But it wasn't just when he got famous that he had these run ins. His childhood buddies were the Sheens - Emilio and Charlie, and The Penns - Chris and Sean. His first movie was The Outsiders along side Tom Cruise, Matt Dillon, Swayze, and Ralph Macchio. And it just continues from there.

I enjoyed hearing about Tom Cruise and how insane he is, and that Swayze was twice as intense. Tom Cruise and Rob actually have tons in common, but it's pretty obvious from reading the book why Tom became a giant superstar and Rob did not. And the reason is that Rob is a human being. Sort of.

It's a fun read. It's interesting to see what it's like being young and famous and great to look at. Every story involves a movie you've at least heard about if not seen. If you love "the business", particularly 1980's movies, the behind scenes stuff is very cool.

But the problem with the book is that he refuses to delve into any negative territory. It's all positive and sunny to Rob now.

He is clearly avoiding things we want to hear about. For example, why did he really leave "The West Wing"? He provides some insight, but does not divulge any info on his relationship with Aaron Sorkin.

And the sex tape thing. It's barely dealt with. He glosses over it and moves on. Isn't that the type of huge event you'd devote a chapter to? It was a pretty big deal.

There was so little on it (and other things), that I started looking it up on my own on the internet. I googled "Rob Lowe sex tape", and I quickly found it, and it was not what I bargained for.

If you don't know the story, the night before the Democratic National Convention (Rob is into politics, and was a Dukakis man), Rob had sex with 2 girls, one of whom turned out to be underage. I remember seeing screen shots of it as a kid.

So anyway, I load up this video and I immediately see...2 dicks! 2 wieners staring at me. One of them belongs to Rob.

I do some more research, and it turns out there was a second part of that sex tape, and the other part is Rob boinking some model with a buddy of his. This part of the story is not mentioned at all in the book.

My favorite part of the sex video is when the girl makes Rob's friend get off of her by saying:

"I need a 10 minute break, guys, my cunt is tired"

Classy, classy lady.

Also, after he goes to rehab and gets his life together, he says that he learned to say no to things and take a stand against bad scripts and bad projects. Yet if you look at his career since that time, it's been pretty much nothing but bad scripts and bad projects.

But there's one thing you cannot deny, his work ethic. This guy works. Constantly. He's never not working. He loves acting. He loves the business. And he loves banging chicks with his bros.

I'm probably late to the party on this book, but I recommend it.

(BLOGGER'S NOTE: All quotes from Rob Lowe's book were written by me, except for the Dean Cain and cunt thing)

Do Not Question the Tea Party

2011-08-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

Cause they won't be able to answer.

I Formally Apologize to "Internally"

2011-08-16T15:03:00.000-07:00

Well, miracles do come true...

I wrote this last week about pitching.

Well, despite my awful attitude and total negativity, I am stunned to tell you that they bought that shit. It's a 1 hour drama, of all things. Which is strange for many reasons, but go with it. So there you go. I'm 1 for 20 on pitches, the formula works!

To be honest, I didn't want to tell you this news. I feel like I'm jinxing it somehow or I'm bragging, and that is completely not my intention. But for those of you longtime readers, I have gone on at length about all my failures in this business, and I just wanted to share with you that sometimes okay things happen.

I do not want to come off as a success in any way, cause I'm not. At least not yet. And as I told my sister today, there is a 99.9% chance this thing never sees the light of day. That's not me downplaying things, that is the fact of the TV development process.

But it's at least a little reward for all of the work I've put into not only this thing, but the million things before it I wrote up and are now getting dusty in my closet.

I will keep you posted if anything ever comes of this, and even more so if nothing does - I can learn what it feels like to be rejected on a higher level! Thank you for your support. And thank you, internally.

Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 2

2011-08-15T21:30:00.000-07:00

Really? Only 2 hours this week, Bachelor Pad? You don't think your show deserves to be as long as "The Godfather" anymore? Here we go...

Not a good start tonight, as it begins with a voice over by Kasey and no subtitles! What the hell? That's a horrible way to kick off a TV show. I have no idea what he's saying, but it's something about how he hates Jake for no reason.

Chris explains to them the game they are playing. They will be throwing eggs at each other. So basically this show is just summer camp. It's called "Target on Your Back", and the men all have, well, targets on their back. They turn their backs. And Chris asks each girl "who are you least attracted to?" and the girls have to throw an egg at that person. If they hit, they get a point.

Gia goes first. And she knows how to wear a bikini. I can't tell who she hits, but I think it's Blake. Melissa hits William. Nicely done. He must feel like he's at one of his standup comedy performances.

Princess Erica hits Kasey, and he is offended. Here's what I can interpret from what he says:

"I got hit with an egg for being unattractive. I mean, come on, I got the hottest girl in the house as my girlfriend, I mean obviously I'm not unattractive"

Wait, Gia is your girlfriend? Claiming that Vienna is the hottest girl in the house is even crazier than some of the songs he wrote for Ali. If she's the hottest, how come she got a nose job immediately after the show ended?

I should mention here that it doesn't even matter if they hit the target on their backs. Any egg to body connection at all counts. So, it's sort of a badly titled game.

2nd question: Who least deserves the $250,000 dollars?

3rd question: Who do you want to go home this week? And everyone throws their eggs at Jake. Way to hold your cards close to the vest, ladies.

The last question is a tiebreaker between Jackie and Melissa: "who is the dumbest?" And in a great moment, Jackie throws it as hard as she can at William's head and misses wildly. But I love her passion.

Melissa goes next and pegs the shit out of Graham Bunn. Bunn doesn't need brains.

Melissa wins, so you know that means...bulimics are okay at throwing!

Now it's the guys turn to throw. Question 1: Which woman do you think would cheat on you if you were dating?

Jake immediately throw it at Vienna...underhand. Why does he always get great opportunities and ruin them? He also tells us that he believes she cheated on him with "three men". The way he says it is so gay, yet so obviously true.

Oh, apparently the producers are making them all throw under handed.

Kasey brags that he "plays baseball". I guess he means softball since they're throwing underhand. And of course he misses completely. Can't hear, can't throw, can't speak coherent English. And after his comments about how hot Vienna is, can't see.

WAIT!!! Hold the fucking phone. Blake steps up and throws an OVERHAND strike. So what's going on? I guess it was just the usual Jake and Kasey being their normal, sucking selves.

Every guy is throwing every egg at Erica. It's brutal. That's no way to treat overweight royalty.

Here's a shocker: Ames isn't good at this.

Another question: Who are you least attracted to? Graham hits Erica. So does Blake. So does Kirk. So does William. So does Michael - and he throws an overhander, Nolan Ryan style fastball. Holy shit. That was a head shot, if this were baseball she'd be charging the mound right now.

Erica does make a good point, saying the other girls are skinny with fake boobs, and she's all natural with real boobs. Yeah, and also fat.

The craziest part about this, and no is mentioning it, is you didn't have to answer correctly. It was just about connecting with the egg. Any one of those guys could've seen Erica taking a pounding and just thrown one at Michelle for fun. They didn't. They're like the Honest Abes of the "Target on Your Back" game.

Jake tells us that he "feels like I might be going home". Really? Is that because every girl answered that they want you to go home next? Was that your hint? The constant eggs smashing against your back?

It hasn't been explained yet why they wouldn't vote Kasey off. You break up the power couple, Vienna is left floundering, hell, she might even quit. It's the obvious move to get you closer to the money. But I guess that's why these idiots are so desperate for money in the first place.

Michael gets to choose 3 girls to go on the date with. He picks Michelle, Erica (sympathy pick), and Holly. They go to a haunted insane asylum for some reason. Maybe he should've picked Vienna and she could've given them a guided tour.

Not sure what Michael sees in Holly. She has that kind of face where you suspect her parents were brother and sister, or at least first cousins. Or related to Ames in some way. Michael gives her the rose, of course.

This has always been the fundamental flaw of this show. They win "dates" but in a lot of cases, there are no romantic feelings between the people. They're trying to make it sorta related to The Bachelor, but these people, in general, either don't like each other or already together.

Michael pours his heart out to her. He cries. Man, he really, really loves her. She's not that into him. Maybe it's because of his odd black leather jacket and super deep green V.

Melissa picks her 3. Blake says that he knows she likes him, but there's "no way I want any part of that. She picks him, his twin Kirk, and Kasey. Melissa tells Kasey her plan to save him tonight, if he'll save her next week. Shit. There goes my plan.

But wait, there's still hope, because Blake announces that he's willing have sex with Melissa to get the rose. Money makes people do strange, disgusting, anorexic things.

Blake and Kirk look more alike than Chad and Brad. Blake is pulling a full Bentley. He is disgusted by her, yet is forcing himself to touch her.

Vienna is the biggest bitch that has ever been on this series. I mean, really. She is awful. Thank God Kasey is deaf so he doesn't have to hear any of this.

While she talks shit about Jake, Jake tells us that he's going to ask Vienna for help. He is so stupid. Although, he could parlay her terribleness into some sympathy from the girls.

Kasey is wearing a strange Don Johnson number on the boat. He's got a pink shirt with a gray mesh looking jacket. It's as bad as his voice.

Blake makes his move and kisses Melissa. Afterwards, they both go and throw up - he because he's disgusted, she because she just had a meal. Blake describes himself as a prostitute.

And Melissa gives the rose to...Blake! Ha, ha, I don't think Kasey is going to take too kindly to that. That puts a crimp in his whole svengali attitude. Just imagine for a second Kasey trying to say the word svengali.

Blake laughs at Kasey's stupidity, and then forces himself to have sex with a girl he despises. You sure showed him.

Gia makes a helpful chart for Graham to see that he should kick out Vienna next. He's sort of receptive to this, but it's hard to tell, because he's from the south and a moron.

Blake lies in bed with Holly and they mock Melissa. Melissa searches for him, finds him, and then lies down with them, completely not getting it. It's delightfully awkward. Blake says she's unstable and it's not hard to see why she's still single at 32. Well, at least she's not as ugly as Erica.

Jake goes up to Kasey and Vienna and asks them to save them in the most annoying scene ever. Kasey is sitting up there like he's somebody. He's like "why do you deserve to be here?" Jake announces that he's going to donate every penny to charity, and Kasey says "you expect us to believe that?" But he says it in the frog voice that he has.

Vienna laughs and says she knows he's in debt and needs the money. But I think Jake is also following my plan, because the other people are seeing this and hating the two of them.

There is no reason not to vote them out!!!

In an interview to us, something amazing happens. Kasey shows off his "guard and protect your heart" tattoo on his wrist, and makes the heart beat by flexing. Then he says "it's guard and protect time..." then looks into camera "are you ready?" He thinks we think that tattoo is cool! Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

It turns out Vienna claims to be upset that the Bachelor producers have "forced" her to be here. Uh oh, now you've angered Chris Harrison. He's like, the doors open, please leave if you want. And of course she doesn't.

Then Chris announces a curveball: all the guys are safe tonight. Two women will be going home. Ha! Vienna loses her mind. Jake is stoked. And I can't believe I'm on Team Jake, it's the greatest reversal in Bachelor history!

Vienna tries to rally everyone to protest against the Bachelor Pad! "You guys sit down right now and say we're not doing this because this is cheating". Easy there, Norma Rae. No one is following.

Kasey's like "let's go home, let's go home". So is she going home? Uh, no.

Gia laments that everyone, especially Michelle, believes Vienna's bullshit. Michelle tells Jake, "there's a good chance you're not gonna win so you should just leave right now". Ah, there's the evil bitch we remember. It's funny to see such a nutball get completely manipulated by an even bigger nutball.

Gia talks with Kasey again. But unfortunately, fucking Graham Bunn went to Kasey with what Gia and him talked about. Unbelievable. I thought Graham and is Buns were one of the good guys.

Graham pleads innocence, but then says "yeah I told him you were trying to break up the power couple". Uh, that's not innocence. Then he interviews, "yeah, I told Kasey everything". Dude! I mean...dude!

Gia's gonna walk off the show now. And I don't blame her. But this sucks. Irwin is gettin' upset!

Gia cries to Chris about how everyone is strategizing and she can't take it. Well, I will say that Gia was doing a lot of that too, and a lot of the talking behind people's back, so I guess she's mad that it didn't work for her. And honestly, I don't know why it didn't. Would you rather be on Gia's side or Kasey's? Maybe Gia is too easy to understand when she says words.

Gia cries in the limo, and says "Kasey is supposed to guard and protect, and the only thing he's guarding and protecting is himself". I'm sorry, but that is awesome.

This is so stupid, I can't take it anymore. They're all talking about voting Ella off. Or Jackie. Retards! How do you not see how obvious this is?

Ella frantically searches for a guy to couple up with, and chooses Kirk. He's game. I love how this show is forcing people to hook up with people they have no interest in. Instead of Bachelor Pad they should call this Rape Pad.

Psychologists should study this show and attempt to explain how human beings need leaders. There is no other explanation as to why these people are just blindly going along with what Kasey and Vienna are saying. There is some sort of fear of stepping up and taking responsibility for things. They love being told what to do. Anything to not have to make decisions.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

And the woman kicked off is...

JACKIE

Poor Ames. Who is he gonna hook up with now? There is only one obvious choice, Jake.

I can tell you in what order people are going to get voted off if there's no revolt. Do you think any of them have figured that out? No, probably not.

Ames claims he fell in love with Jackie like no one he's ever fallen in love with before. And oh yeah, he is wearing pink pants.

And then he runs after her limo and joins her, leaving the show for love! I think I know where the honeymoon is going to be...in a young Asian boy's pants. That was kind of amazing. Well, Ames is a hopeless romantic. And by hopeless I mean there's no hope for him actually liking vagina ever.

At the end of the show, the masked guy makes himself a midnight snack. I don't know why, but I'm okay with it.

NEXT DAY UPDATE: Ames and Jackie are no longer together. Gee, what a shock.

Sunday Mailbag: My Turn to Be Bitter

2011-08-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

I received a comment today that I wanted to write about:

Publish Your Comment said...

With the references to Reno 911, Taxi and Herbie I take it you're familiar with Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant (in fairness you should have tossed in the Night at the Museum movies which have grossed > 1 billion dollars). What's your take on their latest tome Writing Movies for Fun and Profit?

I read their book a month ago for two reasons: 1) I love screenwriting books. 2) I hate those guys, don't understand their success, and wanted to see what they had to say for themselves.

Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant are probably best known for starring in "Reno 911" on Comedy Central. They also did a sketch show on MTV called "The State" that people pretend to like.

Also, Thomas Lennon gets a lot of "best friend" roles in movies these days, like in "17 Again" and "I Love You, Man". He played the guy who died of autoerotic asphyxiation in "Cedar Rapids".

Meanwhile he and Garant have huge, I mean, enormous, careers as screenwriters. They get just about every comedy movie writing job, and also sell TV pilots every year.

Now, you'd think with this free pass to do whatever they want, they'd have an amazing track record. Let's take a look:

Their first foray into screenwriting was...

"Taxi" (2004) starring Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah.

This is better known as the movie that murdered Jimmy Fallon's acting career. It starred Giselle Bundchen as a criminal mastermind. It is one of the worst movies in recent years and used frequently as a punchline.

They followed that up with...

"The Pacifier" (2005) starring Vin Diesel.

Here's what Richard Roeper had to say about it: "It's so awful. This reminds me, every once in a while on television they'll show failed sitcom pilots that never got picked up by the networks, and this has the feel of something like that."

Wow. O for 2. Okay, well maybe the third time is the charm...

"Herbie Fully Loaded" (2005) starring Lindsay Lohan.

The movie that killed Lindsay Lohan's career, well, along with crack cocaine and lesbianism. Seriously? Herbie Fully Fucking Loaded?

The craziest part about this is, this wasn't even a studio assignment. They went to the studio and said "we want to do a Herbie remake".

Maybe the fourth time is the charm...

"Let's Go to Prison" (2006) starring Dax Shepard and Wil Arnett. And I use the word "starring" very loosely.

Jesus.

After all of this, they were still in high demand. And that's when they finally got their hit...

"Night at the Museum" (2006) starring Ben Stiller.

This movie made craploads of money. Just insane amounts of money. Was it good? I don't know anyone that would claim that. But families went to see it, so there you go.

That's 1 for 5, and even the one is debatable, it owed much of its success to Ben Stiller and special effects.

And they took this giant hit and churned out two more brilliant scripts in 2007...

"Reno 911" Miami" starring themselves.

"Balls of Fury" starring Dan Fogler. (BLOGGER'S NOTE: Dan Fogler is a short fat guy who Hollywood predicted would be the next Jack Black, and then he starred in a movie written by Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant and was never heard from again)

The fact that these guys are multi, multi-millionaires is the exact reason why everyone in Los Angeles writes screenplays.

So they wrote a book about screenwriting. And it's the weirdest screenwriting book I've ever read. Why? Because it is not written for beginners. All of their advice seems to be for writers who have already sold a feature, if not multiple features.

Most people would assume writers at that level don't really need advice.

There are no helpful instructions on actually writing a script. It's just like, yeah, make sure it's in the proper format, whip out 3 acts, and then you sell it for tons of cash! That's it.

But there are some interesting nuggets about dealing with producers and the studio, and getting notes, doing rewrites - stuff that you don't hear about that much. I also liked that they wrote in a very informal style. Typically in screenwriting books, it's in a very high brow, non-approachable way that is difficult to put into practice when you're actually sitting down to write.

These guys are somewhat funny, and you know that they are the real deal. They are doing it. So it's kinda cool to hear about what is going on in the business now. They are not some dude you've never heard of telling you that "Witness" has the greatest structure in movie history.

There is also some good insight into how some of their many failures happened. I know as well as anyone how easy it is to be involved in something that turns to shit. I completely get it, and it happened to me. But at a certain point, with all of the chances these guys have had, where is the proof that they are good?

Look at the South Park guys. Their TV show is well respected and very popular. They did a movie, a movie that starred puppets!, and it is well respected and very popular. Now they're doing a Broadway show, and it won every award and is a huge hit. They are great, and they have the shit to prove it.

Why don't these guys have one thing that demonstrates what they can do? Yeah, Reno 911 is an okay show, I guess. But it's sort of improv. And Night at the Museum and the sequel raked it in, but is that a movie anyone in the comedy or film world looks back fondly on?

It just goes to show once again that the reason why it is so difficult to break in the movie writing loop is that when you finally do get in, and you know how to play the game, it's very difficult to be kicked out.

Advice From a Failure

2011-08-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

If I ever write a book, that's what I want the title to be. "Advice From a Failure".

I've been putting a pitch together the last couple weeks, and I'm always worried that I haven't done enough to prepare. I have a process that I always do, that I'm very comfortable with, and that I think works. If I do all of those things, I feel confident that I'm ready to go.

And that's when it hits me:

I have never sold a pitch.

My process is based on a losing formula!

Clearly I'm doing something wrong. But what can I do? It's all I know. And then I read about people that are selling things similar to my things. And usually someone like Jerry Bruckheimer is attached. I need Bruckheimer. That's the secret. That's the missing part of my formula.

As I was driving to my first pitch the other day, I had a realization. I'm going to walk into a room and tell a story of make believe to a man in a suit. That's sort of weird. And yet, that's what I came here for. Well, not really. I came here to sit in a darkened room alone and send stuff in and not have to talk to people ever, but that turned out to be a fantasy.

Here's how this actually goes:

I write up the pitch. I start with an introduction, a logline of the show, how I came up with the idea - why it's personal to me, essentially, and then I give a more detailed account of what the show is, how it works as a series, etc.

Then I go through the characters, a brief, hopefully amusing description of each. And finally, I talk through the beats of the pilot.

I read this out loud to myself many times, making sure it makes sense and I can say it to other people without wanting to throw up.

A lot of times when you write stuff, it's great on the page, but when you say it out loud it sounds retarded. So saying it repeatedly helps make it sound more conversational, and you can start memorizing it.

I think many writers memorize their pitch, I don't. Well, not completely. I go in there with my script, and talk through it without looking as much as possible. I'm not a God Damn actor. Come to think of it, maybe that's a good idea. Maybe I should hire an actor to play me and read the script that I write. That seems like a Curb episode.

"Hello everyone, my name is Irwin Handleman". "No, you're James Franco" "For the purposes of this pitch meeting, I'm Irwin Handleman".

So back to my drive in. Under the best circumstances, I have taken my pre-pitch nervous stomach poop in the comforting confines of my remodeled bathroom and my Toto washlet. But it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes the nerves don't kick in until I arrive, and then I have to take one of those awful, crowded bathroom, is the guy I'm pitching to in here right now listening to my poop? poops.

I go up and check in, and meet up with a member of Team Handleman. He is oblivious to the fact that this is actually hard work. So while I want to feverishly check my notes and make sure I have everything straight in my head, he's talking to me about his Krav Maga class.

Finally, we are called into the meeting. My agent makes small talk with the execs, and I usually try to jump in and say something funny and that always ends badly.

Then they look at me and say "well, what have you got?"

This is the cue to begin pitching. Now, usually there are multiple people in there. There is the decision maker, and one or two of his or her underling execs who two weeks ago were getting them coffee or cocaine.

This is my ideal situation.

Because the decision maker guy will just look at me with no expression on his face, a thousand year stare developed from listening to 10,000 hours of stupid show ideas like mine.

But the young execs, they're just happy to be in the room. While I talk, they smile and nod and write things down, and generally act interested. You know, like polite human beings with manners.

I focus on them. They make me feel better after I occasionally glance at the dude who doesn't give a shit.

Afterwards, I will make a self deprecating comment about my ability to pitch. And they will lie and say, "no, you were great!"

And then there will be an awkward silence. You see, when big time writers go in, many times the execs will buy the show IN THE ROOM. The pitch will end, and they will say, "Interesting UFO idea, guys from Reno 911. We love it, and we want it, we'll call your people with an offer".

But when I finish up, they stammer and say, "okay, well, we've got a lot of stuff to look at, but we will discuss it internally and let you know".

That's a phrase I've come to despise: "discuss it internally". Nothing good ever happens internally. Internally is where everything bad that ever came out of Hollywood starts from. Internally are a bunch of men and women who never wrote a thing in their lives who have to answer to people who can fire them, and taking a chance on a guy who didn't write genius stuff like Reno 911, Taxi, and Herbie Fully Loaded is too much of a risk.

Alas, I still give it the old college try, because what the hell else am I supposed to do?

The Perfect Picture to Go Along with the Republican Resume

2011-08-10T22:57:00.001-07:00

That is such a perfect picture. I love it. It really captures her. You can't really blame her husband for banging dudes. You stare into that gaze long enough and not even Jesus himself could pray the gay away. The man turned water into wine but not even He could turn assholes into pussies.

But seriously, folks.

It's kinda crazy that a magazine would do that to a presidential front runner. But I guess it's that darn liberal media bias they are always crying about. You know, the liberal bias that controls talk radio and has the number one news talk network on TV. Oh wait, that's not right at all.

The New Yorker has a great story on Bachmann, and if you want to know what she's all about, definitely read it. When I read it, I tried to imagine what parts Bachmann would be angry about, but I think she'd be pretty much fine with all of it. The guy reports straight from things she's said and done, and those things are very, very scary. Well, unless you think black people had it better when they were slaves.

That's your Republican presidential dark horse, folks!

Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 1

2011-08-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

3 hours? 3 hours?!!! My excitement for this show really took a hit when I found out the premiere was 3 hours. I love Bachelor Pad as much as anyone, but this is at least an hour too much.

But what can I do? This is the business I've chosen...

In the house:

JUSTIN "RATED R". The wrestler from Ali's season. We all know he's evil, and perfect for the Pad.

JACKIE. She's from Brad's second season, and would've been way better than Ashley as the Bachelorette. But you could pretty much say that about anyone.

MICHELLE "MONEY" MONEY. Brad's second season. She could've skipped the Bachelor all together and just gone straight to the pad, that's how much she brings to the table. This show was created for her.

Immediately, she does what she does best: cries. Her dad has colon cancer, she's doing this "for him". Yeah, it has nothing to do with not getting any acting gigs, right?

GIA. Her second tour of duty on the pad! I love Gia. She tells us that she broke up with her boyfriend to go out with Wes, who was known to be a complete asshole, and he ended up cheating on her with Vienna. With Vienna! What a slap in the face.

Does Vienna look way better in person or something? I don't understand what is happening with this girl. It makes no sense. Well, Gia hates Vienna's guts now, so there's that.

VIENNA. See above. She's horrifying, and I'm just talking about her looks. But she's even worse than that as a person.

She announces that she's no longer with Wes, and has found someone that can "guard and protect my heart". Oh shit! That is great.

KASEY "FROG VOICE MCGEE". My favorite bachelor guy ever. Is he deaf? Is he speaking English? No one will ever address it, so I must continue to speculate.

Because he's now going out with Vienna, he hates Jake. I mean, really hates him. And he kicks things off with, what I believe, is the quote of the night (and we're only 4 minutes in):

"I'm gonna go take a Jake, and rub my Pavelka. That's what I think of him".

That's what you think of him? I gotta be honest, I still don't know what you think of him from that statement because that is pure crazy talk and I love it. I didn't even know Frog Voice had a pavelka.

JAKE. He hates Vienna. Not sure why, I think she refused to suck on his pavelka.

Bachelor Pad has really upped its special effects budget, cause they're making it look like Jake is able to fly a plane.

ERICA. She calls herself "The Princess", either because she was on Prince Lorenzo's season or because she wears a tiara.

She appears to have had some plastic surgery, or at least, a gallon of botox and collagen.

She claims that she will be able to use her "sex appeal". It would appeal to me to never think of her in a sexual way.

GRAHAM BUNN! He pulled a Constantine before pulling a Constantine was cool. He was on DeAnna's season, and was way too attractive for her and had no interest, so he dumped her before the rose ceremony.

They show Graham playing basketball, and I'm reminded that when he was on the show he claimed to be a "professional basketball player". Sure. He's much skinnier in the face now, and apparently has just ended a serious relationship that I'm being told was with a girl from All My Children.

ELLA. The single mom from Jake's season. She's hot. I was always a big fan. She tells us that her mom was murdered in front of her by her step dad. Not sure why that's relevant, but it's an FYI.

She's doing this for the money. As opposed to rest of these people, who are doing for the camaraderie.

HOLLY. From Matt the Englishman's season. I barely remember her, and she looks different. She got engaged to one of those breakdancing white guy identical twins named Michael (the other is married to DeAnna - lots of incest on this show), and she recently called off their engagement. Which leads us to...

MICHAEL. So this should be awkward.

BLAKE. A newbie from Ashley's season. He must be so stoked to be on TV around girls who are actually good looking.

It's funny how all these people know each other. Graham says to Michelle "I've heard good things". Uh, I haven't heard one good thing.

Blake on Erika: "I don't know, she's a little thick. Not for me".

AMES. The token gay guy.

When Gia enters the house, Blake and Ames are standing together. Blake goes, all horndog, "I hope that's Gia". And Ames just kind of awkwardly looks at him, not saying a word.

Oh, I forgot that Rated R's arch nemesis was Kasey. And he scores are second quote of the night!:

"Kasey sounds like a frog, and Kermit the Frog went out with Miss Piggy, and I'm gonna break them up"

It's not just that he talks like a frog though. He also talks really fast in a strange mumble and he's very hard to understand. That shouldn't be overlooked.

They are basically taking a page out of the Challenge Rivals playbook, and just bringing enemies together under one roof. CT should be in all of these shows. Who doesn't want that?

ALLI. Not Ali the Bachelorette, but Alli of the giant, James Caan shoulders, Alli. Everyone in the house likes her, but she's MY arch nemesis.

MELISSA. Crazy blond bitch, that's all I remember about her.

Holly is falling in love with Blake, and it's funny because he looks exactly like Michael. She has a type. Keep her away from that twin brother.

KIRK. From Ali's season. And he looks exactly like Blake too! Jesus, I cannot tell them apart.

WILLIAM. Oh thank God, the comic relief is here. There's gonna be no shortage of laughs now that we have a professional comedian in the house.

They have to subtitle Kasey! That's what I'm talking about.

Chris asks Jake why he's doing this, and he's absolutely stumped. He makes up something about getting closure. Did you want to get closure with Heidi Montag and Big Pussy on VH1's "Famous Food" too? Cause you seem to be on whichever reality show will take you.

An hour has passed. And all it has been are introductions. Amazing.

After Vienna's big buildup about what a monster Jake is, he comes into the house and is quite pleasant to everyone.

Ranking the girls in the order I would have sex with them:

1. Gia
2. Ella
3. Jackie
4. Holly
5. Michelle
6. Ames
7. Erica
8. Melissa
9. Alli
10. Vienna

Kasey has put on 30 pounds of muscle in order to beat up Jake. He's like Jennifer Lopez in "Enough", except J. Lo can speak English and hear.

As with last season, there's going to be a competition, and then the girls will vote a guy off, and the guys vote a girl off. They need to get "coupled up" for the contest.

Immediately, some coupling up occurs. Inexplicably, Graham is hugging it up with Alli. Gross. Blake admits that he's sacrificing himself and hanging out with Melissa.

Kirk says he had too many drinks and ended up with Erica. At least he came with an excuse, I respect that.

Oh no! Ames and Jackie are hooking up. I guess of all the girls, she looks the most like a 15 year old Asian boy. But as part of a strategy, he's coupling up with Michelle and Jackie's with Jake. I woulda thought Jake and Ames would be "partners".

The guys are strapped into a harness, and then the girls have to wrap their legs around the guy and whoever hangs on the longest, wins.

Gia is the tiniest girl there, and William drops her very quickly. Comedians aren't known for their strength. Holly goes down next. Graham drops Alli, of course he does. Her shoulders alone weigh 100 pounds. Melissa is next. Then Erica. Kirk should be commended for holding onto that giant princess for that long.

Michelle drops. 3 couples remain. And they've been holding for 30 minutes. Ella drops. And now it's the Kasey vs. Jake showdown we've all been waiting for.

Jake's leg has turned purple from being up there. Side note: we hung Daniel in a harness for a bit a few weeks ago, and after 5 minutes he wanted down. Those things are extremely uncomfortable.

This is good, because they both want it so bad. And Jake wins. Vienna is pissed, her man let her down. She chose the wrong stallion. That's how freakishly intense Jake is. It's that kind of discipline that has allowed him to remain in the closet his entire life.

Guess what, everyone? We're only halfway through!

Vienna goes up to Kasey "I was expecting a little more from you". Holy shit. Both of his legs were turning black. Then she calls him an asshole, and "you promised we wouldn't fight on camera". I assure you Kasey is subtitled for this whole argument, even though they have him mic'd.

Jake and Jackie get to go on a date, and then they can hand a rose to someone else, and they will be safe from elimination too.

Kasey and Vienna scramble to form an alliance. I should note here that it's not very clear why certain people are friends. Apparently, Graham and Michelle are friends with Kasey and Vienna, so they are a voting block. Then they get Michael, Kirk, Alli, Holly and Erica. But they need Rated R on board.

Rated R realizes they need him, and he loves being in this position. He tells them he's in...and then immediately tells the others what's up. Unfortunately, Alli is there, and she immediately goes back and tells the original alliance. These people are really bad at "playing the game".

Jake and Jackie go on their date. He tells her the story of he and Vienna's breakup. It goes on way too long. For some reason, "Jake has to talk to Vienna". Really? Hasn't it been more than settled? I believe there was an entire TV special devoted it.

Jackie suggest they give their rose to Vienna so they can talk, and just for that I might have to move Jackie down on my sex list.

Rated R says that if Jake gives Vienna the rose it "would be the biggest mistake in Bachelor Pad history"!

Jake: "By me saving Vienna tonight, she'd see the guy I really am". Holy fuck.

You should really hear Gia's version of the Trojan Horse story. Sorry, the Trojan Elephant story.

And Jake gives the rose to...Vienna. What a psychopath. Gia loses it, and so do I.

Jake gets Vienna and Kasey alone, and lays out this huge apology. Basically the only reason he did all of this is to make himself look better to the Bachelor audience. That breakup special scarred him, and he had lots of people accusing him of being an abusive boyfriend. It's almost like his agent told him to do this.

Everyone keeps saying that Vienna and Kasey are "running the show", but I don't get how anyone likes them.

Gia scrambles and gets Deaf Boy alone and tries to make a deal. Froggy keeps going "you and I have alliance, you and I have alliance". They promise not to vote for each other.

You would've thought that Michelle would be an alpha dog in the house, but she is not. Vienna is a beast. And Gia is behind her. But she should be using the fact that she's a thousand times better looking a little more.

The Vienna alliance say they are voting off Gia tonight. But I don't know if they know about Froggy. Gia's alliance say they're voting off Alli. Alli doesn't know why, other than the fact that she completely sold them out yesterday.

All the girls were planning on voting on Rated R. But, these geniuses finally realized that if they did that, Kasey and Vienna have an easy road to the end. So Kirk thinks he's some kind of mastermind for coming up with the plan to vote off Kasey. They have 4 votes, they need 5. The 5th? Gia. Will she turn on him? Will he turn on him? Let's find out...

And the two people going home are:

RATED R and BIG SHOULDERS!

Wow, I guess Kasey has "integrity" after all. Gia and Froggy stuck to their alliance, even when it didn't look like they would. I am very pleased, I didn't want to see Gia go home. But they're still idiots for keeping Kasey.

This season: Blake double dips, Kasey has a promise ring, but comes to his senses, and Vienna is the worst.

But if next week is 3 hours, I'm not doing this again...

WAIT. For some reason, at the end the Mask Guy from Ashley's season sneaks into the house and takes a poop. Bizarre! And appreciated!

The Republican Resume

2011-08-05T18:38:00.000-07:00

John Q. Republican
555 Hicksville Road
Sister Fucker, Alabama

EXPERIENCE

HELD DEBT CEILING HOSTAGE (2011)

Caused the United States to lose its AAA rating
Blamed it on a black guy

FAILED TO GET OSAMA BIN LADEN (2001 - 2008)

Took credit anyway

PRETENDED TO CARE ABOUT THE DEFICIT (2008 - PRESENT)

Blamed it on a black guy

CLAIMED HEALTH CARE BILL WAS A COMMUNIST/KENYAN CONSPIRACY EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ORIGINALLY THEIR IDEA (2009 to PRESENT)

Blamed it on a black guy

STARTED TWO WARS THAT WEREN'T PAID FOR (2002 - PRESENT)

Dick Cheney: "deficits don't matter"

THE BUSH TAX CUTS, ALSO UNPAID FOR (2002 - PRESENT)

Dick Cheney: "deficits don't matter"

TURNED SURPLUS INTO DEFICIT (2001 - PRESENT)

Dick Cheney: "deficits don't matter"
Blamed it on a black guy

WORST ATTACK ON AMERICAN SOIL SINCE PEARL HARBOR ON THEIR WATCH (2001)

"Osama Bin Laden is determined to attack on American soil"

EDUCATION

General Equivalency Diploma

SPECIAL SKILLS

Ability to communicate with Jesus
Huntin'
Fishin'
Palin

I Have a Dream

2011-08-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

I just turned in a script to my agent, and now the worst part about being a writer happens:

The waiting.

I have to wait for a response. And since I'm nobody, and Team Handleman is Team Handleman, that could be a long wait.

So after toiling away for about a million hours and setting a deadline for myself and turning it in, I now have to wait for judgment. Because reading a script should take as long as writing one.

And since I'm not a respected writer of any sort, that judgment could be a "didn't work" or a "back to the drawing board" or, as my previous manager once said, "you didn't get it". Oh, how I wish I had the clout that forced them to like anything that I shit out of my computer. That would be the best. That's George Lucas status, where you just write one draft and say "Here's the next Star Wars, there's a jive talking alien in it" and everyone goes "sounds awesome!"

It's times like these when I remember a book I read awhile ago. It was called "The Man Who Heard Voices", and it's about M. Night Shyamalan. It was written while Night was writing and directing his instant classic, "Lady in the Water".

It's funny to read now because the author assumes that "Lady in the Water" is going to be brilliant. At that point in history, Night was practically undefeated. All of his movies had been hits, though "The Village" was a bit disappointing.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, there's a great part of the book before the movie goes into production. It's when Night is just finishing the screenplay, and it describes the process of him turning it in to the powers that be in Hollywood.

And this is where we get to me and my dream, because Night was living it. Here it is:

He lives on a bunch of acres of land, with a separate building away from his house where he writes. And when he is done with a script, this is what happens:

His assistant puts several copies of the script in a briefcase, and gets a first class ticket to Los Angeles. When he lands, a car is waiting for him. The car takes him to the head of the studio's house.

Once there, he delivers the script to the head of the studio, and no one else. No one is allowed to touch the script except for the intended recipient.

Then the assistant goes to Night's agent's house, and does the same thing. And then to a very small circle of other big shots around town.

This is on a Saturday or a Sunday. And this is where things get awesome.

The people who have the scripts are now inside a 3 hour window. They have 3 hours to read the script and tell Night what they think. He knows when they've received the scripts, and he is waiting for their call 3 hours from that time.

Afterwords, the assistant goes and picks up the scripts, gets back on the plane, and comes home.

And that, my friends, is the dream.

I should note, after "The Happening" came out, Night now generously gives the heads of studios a thousand hour window to read stuff, and isn't surprised when they don't call back at all.

Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, The Finale

2011-08-01T20:49:00.001-07:00

Jeez, it seems like just yesterday I was writing about this show. Oh yeah, it was yesterday. I'm surprised there wasn't more outrage about the guys tell all. But then again, maybe I just give a damn.

Fiji. Two men. One finds happiness, the other proposes to Ashley.

We meet Ashley's family, including her tatted up better looking sister. For some reason, Ashley "trusts her sister's advice more than her parents". Yeah, I wouldn't be taking life lessons from the girl with a sleeve of flowers on both arms and a ring of fire between her tits.

Ashley's sister looks like Kate from "Lost", if Kate was raped by an awful tattoo artist.

JP is up first. He seems to be doing well with the family. There's a quick shot of him telling a joke where Ashley appears to be looking down her shirt at her boobs. Look all you want, honey, there's still nothing there.

Ashley's psycho sister gets alone with Ashley and their mom, and after JP was a complete hit with everyone, she claims that JP isn't the one. The reason? Because when she asked if JP made her laugh, Ashley said "I make myself laugh". Yeah, great reason. I got news for you, every girl thinks they're the funny one in the relationship.

Ashley starts crying, and her sister is like "why does that upset you? Why does me telling you the guy you're in love with sucks and you have no chemistry whatsoever bother you?"

Ashley's sister claims that she's "much more rational". That's scary.

I guarantee you if this sister was around in episode 2 she would've declared Bentley the perfect man for Ashley.

Ashley's brother has a severe sweating problem. He looks exactly like Derek from the Real World/Road Rules Challenges.

The sister gets JP alone and immediately tells him that he's not the one for Ashley. What a fucking bitch. Where's William when you need him to roast someone? He could put her in her place with his cutting wit. "JP was hoping he'd be meeting EMILY'S sister right now".

JP is very nervous, it's like being interrogated by Sipowicz.

She's concerned about their age difference. Guess what, Ashley's sister? I'm concerned that you have a giant Geisha on your left arm, you cunt.

She tells JP that Ashley wasn't being herself with him, and that she saw more of a connection between her and Brad. Well, honey, Brad was a thousand times too good for her. Your sister isn't Emily, so this is the best she can do. And I'll add, it's pretty good for her.

Ashley calms JP's fears by telling him "I am heavily influenced by my family". Oh great, thanks for that.

And rightfully, JP is pissed at Ashley for not going "my sister doesn't know what she's talking about, I don't care". Yes! Leave now! Run away while you still can.

It's so sad and pathetic how reliant Ashley is on what other people think. She has no ability to think for herself.

Ashley's sister once again tells us how much more rational she is. I don't think rational people tattoo a skull necklace around their neck, you fucking piece of shit.

Hey, Ed Hardy called, he wants his shirt back. Oh, that's just your tattoos.

Finally, Ashley calls her sister a bitch, but while doing it, Ashley tells her that she's saying the things she's thinking. What?

Apparently, the sister's theory is: Ashley's been wrong before about a guy, so she will never find love ever again. Oh, is that how love works, Nicholas Sparks?

Ben's turn on the chopping block. Talk about a guy who is hilarious? With his slow, monotone, stories about picking grapes, Ben is a laugh riot.

Oh shit, dog talk. They both have dogs, and talk in a dog voice. I'm uncomfortable.

Ashley's sister seems to love Ben. Wait, I think I've figured this out. She's anti-Semitic. She hates Jews. I think her real name is Bombshell McGee.

Guess what? Ashley's sister is divorced. Really, Ms. Perfect? You're a failure, I never would've thought that. You're so rational and all.

Okay, we're done with the family. It's on to the last date. Ben goes first. And the Bachelor Copter makes its final appearance of the season.

And they're taking yet another aerial tour of Fiji. Jesus, Ashley could do a topographic map of the island at this point.

They get into a strange pond and spread mud all over each other. Pretty sure that's how you get malaria.

Later that night, they hang out in a hotel room and Ben tells her that he loves her. They kiss. Non passionate kisses. Ben: "I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight". I think he's trying to tell us they banged.

JP gets sloppy seconds. He's still shaken by his encounter with her sister. JP says she was wrong, but Ashley is defending her because she can't have opinions of her own.

They're having this odd conversation where JP is having to argue that they won't be an old, boring married couple. The sister has completely made this up and put it in their heads and now they're talking about it like its happening. He's 34 not 54, damn.

JP confesses that he's madly in love with her. Yeah, we were pretty clear on that about 5 episodes ago. I wonder if JP plucks his eyebrows. They are very little.

JP kinda got screwed here, Ben got a mud bath. JP just had to sit and talk to her. Brutal.

Later that night, they go to the hotel room. Are they on the same bed that Ashley got her ass worn out by Ben the night before? That's what I'd be wondering. JP gives her a journal or something. This is an ominous sign. I'm pretty sure that finalists are about 0 for 11 when giving gifts before the proposal. You think the Elias Sports Bureau has these kind of stats? Hell no.

That ring guy they use every time is here. How great is his gig? He gets a trip to an awesome island resort twice a year. Maybe he's bad luck though. He must have the worst success rate of any engagement ring seller in the US.

JP's nipples are sorta weird.

Ben's ring looks like a nickel. He's confident. JP is not. They don't even show if JP got a ring. This has to mean that JP is gonna "win". I'm sticking with him. Ben is too boring to get a woman.

They get on some little planes to fly to the proposal sight. It's like their flying to Fantasy Island, with Ashley being the midget and the fantasy is Ashley saying no.

The first man out of da plane is...

BEN

I knew it. They were really pushing Ben hard this episode. But I never bought into it. It almost feels like the sister was told what to say in order to mess with our minds. In fact, that is what happened. JP was too obvious, and they needed something to fill 2 hours.

Ashley starts to talk, then starts to cry, and dumb Ben doesn't pick up on it and says "before you start, I'm totally confident..." He gives a big speech, and then gets on one knee...

This is so mean. Why do they make them do this now? Just awful. So rude. Ben goes "will you marry me?" Ashley lets him sit there on one knee for way too long before finally pulling him up.

Well, JP breaks the "giving a gift before the proposal" streak.

Ashley starts to say "it's not easy" but he cuts her off and doesn't want to hear it. He walks off, she chases after. She tries complimenting him, which is the worst. And he's like, "I don't need you to sugarcoat it". Good call.

Ben says you can't leave something like this on good terms so don't even try. He says he's in "utter shock". Man, he really thought this was gonna work out.

And then, in a very funny way, he says "JP's a wonderful guy, I'm sure you'll have a nice life together". I can't describe it, but it was very sarcastic. He kinda did Eddie Murphy's "white guy" voice there.

Ha! They make Ben leave on a dinky little rowboat. Talk about insult to injury. Oh wait, it has a motor. Well, at least there's that, Ben.

The boat heads off to nowhere, it's like the last scene of season 2 of "Lost", when Michael and Walt leave the island.

JP flies in. They are really drawing this out, must be to give Chris Harrison is contractually obligated 2 minutes of screen time.

JP gives his big speech, and then Ashley breaks "character" and reveals that she's been wanting to tell him she loves him for "forever". I guess forever means 3 weeks ago when Bentley dumped her.

JP proposes, she says yes. And then the sounds of REO Speedwagon swell as they kiss. "I can't fight this feeling anymore..."

Hey JP, guess who Ashley's maid of honor is? You have to deal with that whore for the rest of your life. Enjoy that.

Great news, this season is over! In even better news, Bachelor Pad next week!

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

2011-07-31T22:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not doing a whole thing on this, but before I get started:

Holy crap, Bachelor Pad look amazing. They showed a preview during this and it was great. Jake/Vienna/Frog voice love triangle with Gia thrown in the middle? Yes, please.

This show is 2 hours long, which is about an hour and 45 minutes longer than it needs to be. Just give us Bentley, that's all you need to do.

The guys look the same, for the most part. Constantine looks chubbier.

I swear, every "girls/guys tell all" episode features someone you never thought twice about who suddenly goes off. Tonight, it's Nick, the fake blonde personal trainer guy. I think he snorted some coke before the show, and has just decided to shit all over everyone. Maybe he should've tried talking during the actual show.

William is there, and still a dick. It's very uncomfortable when they play back his highlight reel. Even if you don't like Ashley, it's still painful.

Very funny moment when Ryan tells the guys that he read 3 books about what questions to ask Ashley. I can't believe that such a romantic way to get to know a woman didn't work out. He's a crazy person.

The crowd loses their minds for Ames. I just don't get it. I mean, he's gay. That's not even up for debate. I look forward to his work on Bachelor Pad though, where he supposedly "couples up" with Jackie from Brad's season.

NO BENTLEY.

This show is officially a fraud. I've asked this before and I'll ask it again: when they sign these guys up to do the show, how is there not a clause in their contract that stipulates that they must appear on the men tell all? This makes no sense.

The one interesting thing on this season is a completely unexploited. I'd rather see Bentley on this show right now than watch the finale. Just awful, awful producing. Pathetic.

Oh, but don't worry, because Michelle Money just happens to be there, and she's the one that sent the infamous warning text messages to Ashley. Great.

Michelle regales us with her theories on men and women and forbidden fruit.

Ashley is there and almost immediately cries for no reason.

She's still trying to defend herself to the guys about liking Bentley more than them.

Ashley says that she judges people for "what she knows about them and I'll never change that". Oh, you're not gonna use what you don't know about them? Congratulations on taking that brave stance. But by the way, you did know about Bentley. Michelle is right there in the stands, and she texted you that he was not there for the right reasons. So shut up.

Holy fucking shit, they bring out God Damn Jason and Alli and Blinky DeAnna. Why must they do this every time? This is what happens when they make them fill 2 hours.

Ashley: "I didn't come into this thinking oh I'm super hot and everbody's gonna love me". Well, that's good.

DeAnna says "impordant".

Wait a minute! William gets the hot seat, Ryan gets the hot seat, Ames gets the hot seat...and not Constantine?!!! What the hell is going on? The dude made it to the final 3, was the first guy ever to make it that far and then dump the Bachelor/ette, and they did not ask him one single question.

I don't mean to be dramatic, but that is completely outrageous. Does anyone know what they're doing on this show? They wasted the first hour doing montages, then the last half hour with ex Bachelors, and yet had no time for the guy she basically dumped Ames to keep around and then dumped her?

Thank God this shit is ending tomorrow, people.

Before I go, I have to say it one more time: the one thing this season had going for it was an Ashley vs Bentley showdown, and they never made it happen. It's like Survivor not declaring a winner, or Celebrity Rehab not having Steven Adler. What a waste.

See you tomorrow night, when we finally can move on with our lives...

Gosling Update

2011-07-31T10:43:00.000-07:00

I watched "Crazy, Stupid, Love" last night and thought it was great. Whenever you see a movie like that it makes you wonder why all movies can't be at least that good. It just doesn't look that hard. And that's probably why the guy who wrote it is getting $500 grand a week to punch up scripts, but for some reason, that doesn't really work.

Anyway, in my last post I wrote that I was surprised that Ryan Gosling got cast as "the player" because I thought the role would go to someone who is good looking.

Well, much to my surprise, Gosling completely won me over! I love him.

And it got me thinking, we always reward these actors for playing "ugly" or "retarded" characters. That's what wins Oscars. But really, that's easy to do. It's easy to go from good looking to ugly. The leap from Dustin Hoffman to retarded isn't that far.

But the real challenge for an actor, is to be unattractive and act handsome. Seems impossible, but Gosling has pulled it off.

Ryan Gosling can pretend to be good looking. I don't know how, but he can do it. Now that's impressive. He should win every award, because I don't think it's been done before.

If only he could teach Taylor Lautner how to do it, we'd really have something.